Do Dumpers feel pain?

[mi-amor]

assuming good person = feelings...........bad person = no feelings

 

good person dumper over it / good person dumpee over it = relief, some pain / relief, some pain

 

good person dumper over it / good person dumpee wanting more = relief, some pain, pity / no hope, lots of pain

 

good person dumper not over it but wanting to be / good person dumpee wanting more = some relief, pain, some pity / false hope, some hope, lots of pain

 

good person dumper not over it but wanting to be / good person dumpee not over it but wanting to be = relief, some pain, / relief, some pain

 

good person dumper not over it with replacement / good person dumpee wanting more = temporary relief, temporary no pain, eventual crash, second thoughts / some hope, lots of pain

 

good person dumper over it with replacment/ good person dumpee wanting more = happiness, pity. / no hope, unbearable pain

 

bad person dumper over it / good person dumpee over it = nothing / relief, some pain

 

bad person dumper over it/ good person dumpee wanting more = nothing / no hope, lots of pain

 

bad person dumper not over it but wanting to be / good person dumpee wanting more = who cares ass hole / stupid hopes, lots of pain

 

bad person dumper not over it, with replacement / good person dumpee wanting more = who cares ass hole / stupid hopes, lots of pain

 

bad person dumper over it with replacement / good person dumpee wanting more = nothing / no hope, unbearable pain

 

just passing time on, cant think of anymore LOL

[Lillyk]

LOl.. that was hilarious! I am cracking out at work lol.. I think I might belong to either one in blue

[Zack808]

I am a dumper because I felt it was the best decision for me. When you start to realize your gf isnt really there anymore, emotionally, physically, mentally I had to make a choice. Did I want to be miserable or did I want to face the pain of leaving and being happier later down the road. It was a hard decision. I was so depressed and hurt months before I broke up with her. The last moments I had with her was a let down and I couldnt take it anymore. Of course it hurts for the dumper. In my situation, I had to do what was best for me. It's been a month but each day gets better. You start to realize a lot of things that you were so blinded to see. I guess its true, love can be blind.

[EQD]

Little known fact but if you pull of the skin and flesh of a dumper or incinerate them in flame for a sustained period they come out looking like this:

 

image removed

 

its really cool.

And really thats just their skeleton thats made of something like titanium. When they sung 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' as a child--well--they really meant the last part, but lied about the first because sticks dont hurt titanium.

 

Yes... because as a dumper (which is apparently a 'breed' of human now) doesnt really have emotions or operate in any normal social way or even subscribe to the fact they are living breathing entities like everyone else.

 

 

 

In short... OP, dumpers are people too. And unless you defy the odds sooner or later (unless of course you havent already) you too will dump someone, and then you'll understand that you feel a great variety of things in the aftermath. Most of them unpleasant.

 

 

But the simple fact is a breakup is usually an ordeal for both parties. Dumpers are people too.

 

 

 

 

oooollllldddd ttthhhrreeeaaaddddd

[uj2004]

If they do, they hide it well.

 

I got an 'I miss you' email from my ex after more than 4 months no contact (after 2.5 years together, plus a 10 month friends only gap). I replied with the same 2 weeks later when I actually read the email.

 

Rang her a few days later, and she asked me one question total in the 10 minute call. Was very cold, wasn't interested in what I was up to, nothing. Found out she was living with the guy she started seeing after we split too.

 

Never heard a word from her again, so I must assume she doesn't care one bit.

 

She seemed to after the breakup, wanted to stay friends, continued to wear the necklace I bought her when we first started going out too. Once I went NC, she didn't fight for my friendship much at all.

[EQD]

look... the problem with being nice to a dumpee is that we dont know if they will take it as a sign of hope that we will come back.

 

so to stay on the side of caution its important not to give or entertain false hope.

they likely do care, but if they show it then the already fragile situation of the dumpee will be fingered and agitated. The dumpee could get hurt alot worse when the dumper finally makes it clear that they arent coming back after the 'mixed signals' the dumpee thinks they were giving out.

 

Its in both parties best interest that the person who isnt interested make as clean and honest break as possible to promote healing from moving on.

 

Face it. A dumpee isnt going to move on if the dumper keeps calling and playing nice with them everyday. Coupled with their feelings of wanting to be reaccepted and back with their ex they will usually always get their hopes up much higher for a reconcilliation only to feel betrayed when the dumper adamantly defends their decision to leave in the first place.

[EQD]

^^and if i could rep myself i so freggin would!

[Hobbes]

I rep'd you for it, it sucks but you are right. Oh and lmao for the post before, that got me.

[larryburst]

That's awesome and well done. i think its very true. however, i think we have to get ourselves out of the mindset that we can ever begin to read our exes minds. they are their own people... if you were a good bf/gf, and if enough time has passed for the initial relief to dissipate, i think dumpers usually do feel pain. The type of pain (remorse, regret, pity, guilt) is very situational: depending on how the break up was, if there is a replacement, how much time has passed, actions of the dumpee, reminders, what support there is, length of relationship etc.

 

i think we ask ourselves whether or not dumpers feel pain, in a way, so that we can relate to them on some emotional level within ourselves. we want them to feel what we feel. Its a very rare situation for people to either get closure or reconnect out of pain, and rarely is it shared.

 

i think, rather, the question should be: "do dumpers feel gratitude and forgiveness?" at least for me, thats a much more calming question.

[JonasWaingaro]

look... the problem with being nice to a dumpee is that we dont know if they will take it as a sign of hope that we will come back.

 

.

 

I agree but, and a huge but...er so-to-speak, if the dumper would be honest none of this would happen. They become incapable of honesty. Man up, tell the truth. But they don't, they hem and haw and give mixed signals. It's ridiculous. Yeah the dumped jumps on everything, every little phrase. The dumper eats that up. It's like a delicious candy, one isn't enough. Just give the dumper one more tasty ego boost. Mmmmm, candy.

[coolchick64]

I agree but, and a huge but...er so-to-speak, if the dumper would be honest none of this would happen. They become incapable of honesty. Man up, tell the truth. But they don't, they hem and haw and give mixed signals. It's ridiculous. Yeah the dumped jumps on everything, every little phrase. The dumper eats that up. It's like a delicious candy, one isn't enough. Just give the dumper one more tasty ego boost. Mmmmm, candy.

 

Exactly. It's not the contact. It's the confusion and doubletalk. They don't want to level with you because then they won't get their fix. Or maybe they can't level with you because they don't know what the **** they're doing in the first place.

[LillyLooWho]

Very good assessments! Spot on IMO.

[gsxr104]

Well put, Casy13.

[LillyLooWho]

My ex told me the other day that he felt horrible and empty after he broke up with me. Therefore, after a couple of weeks of misery, he started dating in order to stop feeling so bad. He met someone after a couple of months. He told me that he had to move on so quickly because he felt so bad. Sounds like he didn't process the pain, just pushed it aside.

[Hobbes]

Sounds like he didn't process the pain, just pushed it aside.

 

Exactly! Wonder how often this happens - at least if there was a strong bond and a long relationship.

[quirky]

Well, I am the dumper (twice)- though more similar story to Rob100. I actually think I hurt much more than my ex. I feel more rejection, resentment, lack of trust and disappointment than him. I gave him no reason to feel all these. Because I didn't promise things I wouldn't deliver. He had become very passive so I left him, then came back promising change, it was more words in the end so I left him again.

[quirky]

My ex told me the other day that he felt horrible and empty after he broke up with me. Therefore, after a couple of weeks of misery, he started dating in order to stop feeling so bad. He met someone after a couple of months. He told me that he had to move on so quickly because he felt so bad. Sounds like he didn't process the pain, just pushed it aside.

 

Yes, some people can only do that..It doesn't help long term I don't think, it's just a distraction, a quick fix.

[golfer1]

I just wanted to say WOW!!!

 

This has given me so much insight as to what I 95% know is going on with her

 

Thanks

[FriendnorFoe]

sometimes the truth hurts, some posts I read are bs. but are somewhat comforting, others I know are true but it cuts like I knife cause inside I already knew it, it just took somene else to point it out. Investing so much time, effort, money, love ect, to have that gone literally overnight is so overwhelming.

 

I remember initially it was like it was too much for my brain to process and it almost kinda shut down in a way. Slowly and individually things surfaced to make me feel like crap after that.

 

I never did the begging and pleading thing, I only have spoken to her three times in 9 months and any relationship repair or salvagability was not mentioned. Sometimes it makes me wonder what would have happened if I didnt go hardcore NC right after, if I didn call her to try to work it out, but in reading others stories it probably would have done nothing.

 

Although I was dying inside, I believe I deserve alittle respect in her eyes for accpeting her decesion, but ultimately I guess not only does it not matter but I shouldnt care about that either.

[allgood]

i think their as confused as us sometimes

1 day after the breakup my ex texted me saying "if we were meant to be together we would be"....i texted a nasty text back saying she confusing the hell out of me.....

 

but she couldnt promise not to see the guy that caused the break up for 1 day... there i was at a lookout 1 day after the breakup phoning her after her work and she was going out with him within 1 day...... feels awesome

[J_L_F]

anyone ever think of it from like a sexual standpoint? The dumper gets in a rebound and the sex is nothing compared to the dumpee's.. I wonder if that would make the dumper feel any regret or anything

[J_L_F]

I'm just saying.. our sex was amazing.

[leda]

In my experience, 95% of the time there is a third party involved. When that happens they dumper knows that what they are doing is wrong and so they have to make their ex into a monster so other people will focus on that instead of their lying and cheating. It's not unusual for them to start to hate their ex because they have to live the lies they tell.

 

It's only later in their life that they will start to admit that the relationship and their ex wasn't that bad. Most would rather take a butt whipping than admit it to their ex though. It's a combination of pride, ego and guilt.

 

95% of the time? Really? That's staggering! I hope that wasn't the case with my ex, but I'll never know if it was. My ex and I fizzled out after nearly five years together because I left the country for a few months for a job. We tried to keep it going via chatting online but it just kinda trailed off. And then he told me he's happier alone and needs time and space and I immediately asked if it was someone else. He said it wasn't, that he was just depressed and his life sucked and he wanted me to focus on doing what was best for me to, whether or not it involved him. Fast forward a few months of unreturned emails, little or no contact, us in different states. It's been a year and I'm still wrecked over him. I was his first real girlfriend and he was only 20 when I met him. I guess he changed a lot and grew out of me. He didn't even formally dump me. The coward. He waited until I left the country to avoid responsibility for my pain.

 

I don't think he feels half the pain I feel. I hope he does though, because it's torture. He probably felt pain, but processed it much more quickly than I did. In fact, he told me "After I dropped you off at the airport, I cried all the way home thinking about what my life was going to be like without you. I was sad for a few days. But then I got on, because you know, you can't be sad all the time."

 

Maybe some people (sorry to be sexist here, but particularly females), tend to wallow in that pain a little longer, whether the dumpee or dumper?

[EQD]

I agree but, and a huge but...er so-to-speak, if the dumper would be honest none of this would happen. They become incapable of honesty. Man up, tell the truth. But they don't, they hem and haw and give mixed signals. It's ridiculous. Yeah the dumped jumps on everything, every little phrase. The dumper eats that up. It's like a delicious candy, one isn't enough. Just give the dumper one more tasty ego boost. Mmmmm, candy.

 

 

i dont for one second think that even with honesty the dumpee would just 'accept' the idea the dumper isnt coming back if the dumper stayed in touch actively.

they ARE being honest by dumping the person in the first place. its saying 'i DONT want to be with you and i DONT think we should be together anymore'

 

but despite this the dumpee will dangle around and suffer with 'do they want to come back?????' whenever the ex comes in contact.

 

SO... .the BIGGEST dilemma of a dumper is that we WANT to be nice, we WANT to be friendly (in most cases when there arent other serious issues surrounding the breakup besides sheer incompatability) BUT.... how do we do it without hurting the other person later on?

I'm not going to call you and hang out with you when you are all sad and missing me, romantic feelings and feelings of rejection still hot and new and EXPECT you just to detach and be 'ok' with being friends because earlier i said 'we will never get together'

because you can misconstrue actions.

 

A dumpee wanting a dumper to stick around and be in their life is usually only saying that because its a crutch for them, its a glimmer of hope at reconcilliation. And that will make you feel GREAT... for a while. But in the end its just going to seriously and severely screw you up when the dumper either takes you back because their feelings arent healed yet either--then they will likely dump you AGAIN because the problems that caused the breakup are still there....

OR.... they will start dating someone new to your absolute dismay. because YOU havent had time to separate yourself from the fact that you arent a couple anymore.

 

After romance there must be space, there must be distance in order for the dumpee to detach and move on.

 

Dumpers are doing you an absolute and amazing favor (albiet it hurts like hell its alot better than the alternative) by putting a cold wall between you and them. Because dumpees are usually the emotionally chaotic ones who will make irrational decisions about what level of contact they think they should have.

 

 

AND.. dont forget. dumpers usually face alot of guilt over the pain they know they are inflicting on others. i did. every single time i believe. it sent me into depressions and caused me to avoid relationships for fear i'd have to hurt someone again.

breakups are never ever ever easy unless its after a long long sordid battle and the end is more of a relief than anything.

 

Dont demonize dumpers just because they hurt you. They are people too, they have inner conflicts, they feel guilt, they get depressed and question their decision. Its all expected. And for your sake and their sake they have a huge responsibility to keep to whatever decision they made because really they arent just making it for themselves, they are making it for you too.

[mi-amor]

anyone ever think of it from like a sexual standpoint? The dumper gets in a rebound and the sex is nothing compared to the dumpee's.. I wonder if that would make the dumper feel any regret or anything

 

firstly, any rebound equals dysfunction, including the sex. set in stone.

 

secondly, comparing on every level is inevitable in any kind of new relationship for both the dumper and the dumpee.

 

sexual comparisons will be made whether the sex was good or bad.

 

some will find the sex better, which could lead to never thinking about the ex in a sexual way ever again except to think how poor it was.

 

some will find the sex more disspointing, which could lead to fantasizing about the ex including replaying certain "moments" over and over again for a while. this isn't good news and the new relationship probably wont last.

 

eventually with time sexual memories and fantasies will fade and when a compatible lover is found they will disappear all together.

 

fantasizing is commonplace for both dumpers and dumpees if the sex was good, regardless of the cause of the break up.