Do Dumpers feel pain?

[BigKK]

you sound like my ex! She bottled everything and imploded in my face one day! People need to learn to communicate

[Looking up]

I think my ex could give 2 s about me and really don't care or pain. She set herself up with family and so on to help her. But really she acts like 3 years plus never happened. Honestly if I were to die she still would not care. She has turned in the most coldest person on the face of the earth.

[SooSad33]

To Confscared: You were good to pick up how you were not very 'emotionally available' with him.

I think this is most likely due to the fact of your past. You said in the beginning that you had a rough previous relationship? This can very much so, in turn affect the one you just had and this recent one could also have been a 'rebound relationship'?

Those are one's you get into very shortly or just before a break-up and where you are NOT healed in any way from your last relationship yet- usually long-term ones, especially.

[cutebubbles012]

Wow, these posts are very enlightening. Thank you for the posts.

 

It has been 2 months post BU for me and I am still trying to understand my ex & what is going through his head. I have been on strict NC since he broke up with he. I ignored his text 5 days post BU, i didn't even wish him a happy birthday...

It's hard because he works in the same building as me and we run into each other at least once a week.

 

I just pretend he doesn't exist but he clearly looks uncomfortable or flat out avoids me (ie. is about to walk into the cafeteria and walks back out when he sees me there).

 

I don't understand why he's avoiding me. I mean, if he is so confident with the choice he made...it shouldn't be a problem whether or not i am in the cafeteria.

 

I don't think he is going through the same amount of PAIN i felt or am feeling. I would like to believe he is to make myself feel better but i don't think he is.

 

Will he realize it down the line? I really don't know...

[tadpole3]

It depends on why the dumper dumped. I dumped because he was interested in somebody else, but trying to hold on to me as long as he could until he found out if this other woman was interested in him. "Lifeboat" so to speak. I became an option while he was my priority. So yes, the dumper can be in extreme pain and miss the ex due to the circumstances. Actually I guess I miss what I thought we had, obviously not what was going on. And now realizing who he really is, I doubt he is in any pain or regret at all. He will just move on to the next "victim".

[sharky988]

It depends on why the dumper dumped. I dumped because he was interested in somebody else, but trying to hold on to me as long as he could until he found out if this other woman was interested in him. "Lifeboat" so to speak. I became an option while he was my priority. So yes, the dumper can be in extreme pain and miss the ex due to the circumstances. Actually I guess I miss what I thought we had, obviously not what was going on. And now realizing who he really is, I doubt he is in any pain or regret at all. He will just move on to the next "victim".

 

You were really a forced dumper -- psychologically, you're aligned with the dumpee and he's aligned with the dumper (hence his feeling less pain).

[kz91]

I wouldn't call it pain, I'd say guilt more or less because they're hurting the other person.

 

Even if they do feel pain, it's nothing compared to the pain that the other person is feeling. I mean if the dumper cared that much, they wouldn't do it in the first place, would they?

[SooSad33]

Same thing here Tadpole- Ex had another interest as well as me- 3 mos ago,

Strange how he was accepting texts from me after cpl weeks- to calling me now n then and came over cpl of times.

Week b4 last he instigated all the texting all week then last wed, he showed up here after a meeting- to see how i was.. ya okay.?

Last night though, i sent him a text saying sorry for ever bothering him, i won't do this any longer, Goodbye and will miss him (cause i do and he knows it). Either way it did say Goodbye to him. Cause few wks ago, I did admit i texted him during my 'weak times' and shouldn't have.

I got NO reply to what i sent him last night.

So- maybe he'll say nothing to me now.. poor boy HE did this.. not me.. ty

[tadpole3]

Hi SooSad, That's right HE did it. My -ex even had the nerve to tell me, well she is not interested so everything is okay. Really? REALLY? So OUR relationship was going to be controlled by HER? I became an option? You've got to be kidding me. I don't think he even listens to what he says. So if SHE could control OUR relationship, is it just time before the next one comes along? NO thank you.

Even knowing that he is a lying, manipulative narcissist, I miss the companionship. I miss sharing all the little things we shared. It is a big loss in my life so I do grieve. But I don't ever want him back.

I hope you find the strength to keep NC. You deserve someone who is devoted to you. Good luck and keep posting here instead of texting him!!

[SooSad33]

Pain & hurt. Yes, the companionship many miss as well. I really do miss HIM. He was a BIG part of my life. I had him in mine for 5 yrs. NOT ready to say goodbye though will be hurting for a good while yet.

It is a real LOSS. In many ways.

I wonder IF they feel anything close to what we do, in terms of loss of each other, the relation & time spent together.. etc???

[Brokenheart99]

I think a big part of what dumpers feel is guilt, they feel bad for hurting us. I think in some ways they miss the companionship and perhaps worry about their future. But by the time the dumper has dumped you, they have already come to terms with their feelings. It's not surprising for them as it is for the dumpee. I know when I have dumped in the part, I feel bad for hurting them. then I feel relief for being free of them and the situation. The biggest thing i feel tho is guilt and i feel bad. If I feel regret, I feel it later =\ that regret always lasts for a long time though depending on the situation.

[SooSad33]

Can't 'miss' the companionship when he's got someone I don't- I'm goin it alone. days.. weeks of pain.

I will never understand how anyone can move on so fast to another person/relation when they were with someone long term (5 yrs)?

And even though he's with this 'other one' now, he's been fine with communicating with me, came to see me few times, even middle last week- caught me off guard! But i sent him msg - pretty much sayin Goodbye- will miss him and won't bother him anymore.

Cause i realized i can't handle this. knowing he's not with me, it's like torture. Less the better.

That feeling makes your gutt ache/boil. hate it!

[cutebubbles012]

I think a big part of what dumpers feel is guilt, they feel bad for hurting us. I think in some ways they miss the companionship and perhaps worry about their future. But by the time the dumper has dumped you, they have already come to terms with their feelings. It's not surprising for them as it is for the dumpee. I know when I have dumped in the part, I feel bad for hurting them. then I feel relief for being free of them and the situation. The biggest thing i feel tho is guilt and i feel bad. If I feel regret, I feel it later =\ that regret always lasts for a long time though depending on the situation.

 

So the consensus is that other than GUILT, they feel nothing more? Regret later? Is that only if the next relationship doesn't work out?

 

I read somewhere on ENA that 80% of the time, dumpers have someone else lined up before they break up. That would mean that missing the companionship doesn't exist either.

[Brokenheart99]

So the consensus is that other than GUILT, they feel nothing more? Regret later? Is that only if the next relationship doesn't work out?

 

I read somewhere on ENA that 80% of the time, dumpers have someone else lined up before they break up. That would mean that missing the companionship doesn't exist either.

 

a lot of it depends on why you broke up. but im guessing if they were deep in love with you and hurt as much as the dumpee did, they wouldn't be breaking up with u. it sucks, trust me, im on the dumpee end here. but as being both, its what ive seen and what ive done. im sure they feel other things as well, i cant imagine they dont feel love etc, but those seem to be on the backburner while the dumping is happening. if they let their love and smitten feelings override, they wouldn't be able to do the difficult task of breaking up. relationships are stupid, we should all be penguins in my opinion.

[SooSad33]

I'm STILL trying to understand what, exactly my ex may be feeling around now. it's been around 3 months now, since this all began.

He HAS, after our first 2 weeks of NC, kept contact with me, called a few times and came by few times. Now, I am slightly confused for why he'd even go that far? (other than an occasional text w/e).

I think he's come by here because he kinda 'missed me', like he admited last month...

I in ways, feel he is 'confused' as well, with what's happened. Although he went and 'persued' another interest, (which brought things to an end- cause he got caught), I wonder IF he was in ways NOT ready to totally let me go, cause I felt something like that, in ways with way he was acting.. near the end.

And, now... in the last month with these interactions and all... I'd think IF she was all that, then why is he still keeping contact with me? Why did he come by..again to see me?

This is why I think he's NOT totally over me (hard habit to break, maybe?).

[SooSad33]

But, yes I'm wondering IF dumper's end up...sometime, feeling close to the hurt WE feel? With the total LOSS that has occurred.

Do they ever have some 'tears' over our relationship ending after a LTR? (whether they have a new person or not..)

Also, when? Days later.. a week later?

Is it only a cpl of times?

Do they still feel a little of the 'loss' months down the road?

[iam42]

feelings of loss (and even of love and attachment) are secondary to the decision to discontinue the relationship. think of leaving a job that you've loved for a promotion or for a period of travel or to start an educational program. leaving the job can be hard, bittersweet, but these feelings are tempered by the excitement of what's ahead and the belief that leaving the job was the RIGHT thing to do. the dumper will only come back when 2 things happen simultaneously: the feelings are there AND the belief that coming back is the right thing to do.

 

I don't know. the idea of someone no longer wanting to be with me for ANY reason seems reason enough to let them go - even with much suffering on my part. if someone needs to plan, steadily pull away, call in the reinforcements, set up new romantic interests, tell me trite platitudes just to get away from me, then GOODBYE. and the idea of guilt-tripping them back into an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship makes me

feel bad - for them and for me.

 

just like staying can be the biggest demonstration of deep love, so too can letting someone go. I let my last ex go because I loved him so much, and I stayed away because I love me too. feel better, friends.

[cutebubbles012]

Do i think dumpers feel pain? I think they suffer in silence for a little bit but then i think they stick with the decision knowing it was the right choice.. And ultimately they may be happy. Do i think they come back? Usually. But it doesn't happen the way everyone thinks it does on here and it may not mean they want to come back as a lover.

 

What do you mean by this? That they come back? Just to see how we are doing years down the road? or to apologize?

 

Again i feel this is just their selfish way of trying to ease the guilt.

[markie6]

+1 yep and don't forget the good old ego boost when things don't go their way or they get dumped in the future

[cutebubbles012]

Well, at that point like you said, its too late. (Unless both parties happen to be single).

 

The one thing i've realized after this break up is that i'm stronger than i thought i was. Definitely more capable than i give myself credit for. I just wish i came to this realization earlier in life when i was much younger...

[secondchance67]

Whether or not they feel pain, or feel anything for that matter, is inconsequential to you and your healing.

 

This line of thinking may be comforting when you read thru the responses, giving you some insight and reassuance that you are missed, thought of, etc... but at the end of the day, whats done is done, the decision was made and you are left with the rest of your life ahead of you.

 

Concentrate on you and your healing, your life, your future and what you will do with it; concentrate on rebuilding your self esteem, self love and strengthening relationships with those that really matter like family and long term friendships.

 

Sooner or later, you will come to the realization it is time to leave the "dumper" and anything to do with them firmly where they are, in your past and rearview mirror.

[cutebubbles012]

I guess those of us posting on here just wish that those that hurt us face some sort of consequences for their actions. (ie. by also feeling pain like we do)

 

The universe? Karma? i don't know if i believe in any of that...

[iam42]

it's hard to wish pain on someone one loves. i don't generally. and i think it's ok for someone to leave a relationship for his/her own reasons. what is harder to come to terms with for me is poor treatment within the relationship: lying, cheating, emotional neglect, financial exploitation, abuse, etc. it is deeply troubling for me to have an enduring attachment to someone who didn't treat me well.

[cutebubbles012]

it's hard to wish pain on someone one loves. i don't generally. and i think it's ok for someone to leave a relationship for his/her own reasons. what is harder to come to terms with for me is poor treatment within the relationship: lying, cheating, emotional neglect, financial exploitation, abuse, etc. it is deeply troubling for me to have an enduring attachment to someone who didn't treat me well.

 

I don't wish pain but i wish he could know what he did and how hurt i am feeling.

 

At the end of my relationship, he did pull away and i feel like he wasn't completely honest with me. That's all i wanted. The truth. So i guess that qualifies as lying...

[Brokenheart99]

Trust me cutebubbles, I totally know how you feel and feel exactly the same way. It's pretty normal to be honest. Somehow through all the pain, rejection, we want them to feel something, we want vengeance, we want justification, sadly and I don't know that I've fully accepted this yet either, but I just don't think it comes when you want it or if at all. It does way later when you are over it. That's how it's always been for me at least. My ex before last pretty much cheated on me, it took me a year to get over him, with every fiber of my being I wanted him to regret, to feel remorse, to miss me, to realize and value me etc, u name it, I wanted it. It never came. A year later, he calls me casually dropping so many hints and sweet messages, but I'm over it now. It's how it always seems to work out sadly. It's like a Hollywood thing I think where your ex realizes before you are over him that you were great, he wronged you etc. I'm sure they feel guilt, they miss u occasionally, I'm sure they feel loss of companionship, but it's not the same like we do and it's definitely not enough to change their mind. =\ It sucks, I wish it were different. Boy, do I. I was an amazing girlfriend, there are probably three things I can count on my hand that I screwed up on, during our three years, so I always thought/think the same, that he will regret and realize at some point a long time from now. Sadly I guess it's starting to see he won't. Best friends for nearly 4 years and a promise to remain "friends" afterwards and I've gotten one text since we broke up. People just say anything it seems during break ups, to ease their guilt, break free of the situation, not hurt you as much. Their actions always prove otherwise =\ I'm not trying to be negative, im sure they feel something, we as the dunpee just dont get the satisfaction of seeing it while we are healing. every relationship and dumper is different though.