Do Dumpers feel pain?

[cutebubbles012]

Its funny how ppl always realize things when its too late.

 

you're right about everything u said above. There will never be any satisfaction. I guess its a hard thing to accept at this point when I am healing...

 

I am sorry about your experiences. I hope that you are healing and moving forward. *hugs*

[Brokenheart99]

Trust me, it's hard for me too. We all accept things at our own pace and on our own time. So at this point, id like to believe in even a small way that my good actions will shine through and that at some point he will miss me and regret. That the world and people aren't this jaded yet. Perhaps I will hold onto this feeling for a while longer. That's just me, I guess. Only time will tell what will truly happen, but sadly I think I know my answer. And I guess I'm coming to terms with the fact that he won't regret. And if he does, it just wont be anytime soon. Sometimes it seems, he just needs to figure things out on his own. At least that's what I need to believe for now, hah. Hugs

[mbee]

I do agree wholeheartedly that if you were truly good to your partner then they will remember you in a good light. That alone gives me comfort. True, my cheating, manipulative and unremorseful ex may never change, show regret and be there for me... but I know he knows how I treated him. When we talked last week he told me that he felt I was the one person who loved him the most in his life. He said this while still being disrespectful, lacking remorse and just being a jerk. I know the pain he's feeling right now isn't from losing me. If it was he'd be treating me like a queen and bending over backwards for my love. He's sad because he messed up his own life, he once again cheated and hurt someone and if he truly does believe I loved him the most, then he knows that he did that to someone who deeply cares about him. These are things I have NEVER done to anyone else and am glad that that's a guilt I don't have to carry with me.

 

I do think some people change. It just doesn't happen often or when we expect it. I've seen friends and friends of friends change. I've heard of some CRAZY stories where someone was a cheater, alcoholic, commitment phobe, etc... and that person changed. However, these stories stand out because they aren't the norm. But yes sometimes dumpers do feel intense remorse and regret, but it does take time, a lot of time. I think especially when they know how much the dumpee loved them. There is likely that feeling that the dumpee will always be there as an option. I know 100% my ex feels that way about me. He knows I don't fall in love easily, rarely get intimate with anyone and knows from prior experiences that I stay hung up on a person for sometimes years. So I'm sure for him he feels like I'm an option for awhile. There are just too many possibilities of the amount of pain a dumper feels. Remember too that just like everyone else, people may not be able to comprehend their pain. That's why time helps. It gives both parties enough time to figure out how they feel. As dumpees we can figure out if this relationship was worthwhile, if we would want the person back and can cope with these feelings. Dumpers get what they ultimately wanted, see if the grass is greener, live their single or new life with someone else, and ultimately have time to figure out if this is what they want for themselves. This self-analysis usually takes months and even years.

 

And all I can say is that it's best to not assume you know what your ex is thinking. When I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I thought my ex-ex before him hated me. He was a selfish jerk, who broke up with me, and we had this toxic friendship and cut each other off. I called him a couple of times while I was with my current ex just to catch up. We were both polite to each other, but he seemed to want nothing to do with me or just not care. Well after things with my current ex ended, he's become one of the people I go to for comfort often. He has a girlfriend and I am so not interested in him, but that time we didn't talk where I thought he didn't care... well he did. He missed me a lot, regretted how things ended, and was in pain. He did change but saw I was with my current ex and thought I was happy and finally found the ONE for me.

 

It's just not worth the time wondering if your dumper feels pain. You can read every comment on ENA, or listen to sweeping statements about how your ex has moved on and doesn't care but ultimately NOBODY knows how your ex feels except your ex. He/she could be in pain, but you just wont know. There are too many differences involved.

 

All you can do is remember how amazing of a partner you were, appreciate what you had/thought you had and move on. The last thing I said to my ex, is that I loved him deeply but will give him what he ultimately wants, and will stay out of his life. Letting go, just isn't strict NC. It's letting go of the fact that you just wont know what's on your exe's mind anymore. It's letting go of the bitterness and those feelings of wanting karma to strike. It's learning to forgive and finding happiness within yourself and not on what your ex is feeling.

 

If it helps when my ex told me he was deeply depressed and couldn't get out of bed last week, I didn't feel happiness or joy that finally he was sleeping in the bed he made for himself. I felt sad for him and even sent him some materials that might help him with his depression. And I'm hoping that's a sign that I'm letting go. Honestly, it's likely your ex misses you and thinks of you, but past that, there's no reason to analyze. Our future is now one that doesn't have them in our lives. We have to move on and start the scary but necessary process of falling out of love with our exes and opening our hearts to something else.

[Brokenheart99]

Very well said mbee, what you said is entirely true. I feel like I'm still in the stage where I want him to regret or have karma make him feel some degree of pain or regret(nothing terribly bad, deep down I want him happy). I wonder what stage if grief that puts me in? =\ it'd be nice to at least know I'm progressing thru the stages, hah. I'm coming to terms with it slowly I suppose.

[cutebubbles012]

Me too brokenheart99...i wish i could get to that stage but i am STILL not there....even after 2 months. 2 months seems like a long time to me.

 

Sometimes i wish i could just take an eraser and erase everything from my memory...

[Brokenheart99]

Haha cute bubbles I knkw what u mean =\ ever seen that movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind? It's kinda that idea where he finds a way to remove all his past memories. As much as it sucks, I think, that theses experiences define us, teach us, shape us, and ultimately each experience takes you one step closer to the one we are supposed to be with.

 

But yeah I def know how u feel, I'm still in the same boat. 2 months isn't that long, even though it feels like it. Think about how long it takes for your mind to fall in love, so it will take equally long if not longer to fall out of love and let go. It's kinda like weight, so easy to gain, so hard to lose. Hah

[cutebubbles012]

Haha cute bubbles I knkw what u mean =\ ever seen that movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind? It's kinda that idea where he finds a way to remove all his past memories. As much as it sucks, I think, that theses experiences define us, teach us, shape us, and ultimately each experience takes you one step closer to the one we are supposed to be with.

 

But yeah I def know how u feel, I'm still in the same boat. 2 months isn't that long, even though it feels like it. Think about how long it takes for your mind to fall in love, so it will take equally long if not longer to fall out of love and let go. It's kinda like weight, so easy to gain, so hard to lose. Hah

 

lol. the weight analogy made me laugh. Thanks for that

 

Yes, i know that movie. But u are right. These experiences make us stronger. I guess they are the tests we need to go through to get on the path to where we are supposed to be.

 

I'm sure we will realize it years from now but right now, its hard to accept.

[Brokenheart99]

Hahha =p gotta find the humor in heartbreak right?!

 

And yeah tell me about it, I wish there was a cure for heartbreak. Gogo science! We can find a pill to cure gonorrhhea, but nothing for heartbreak or weight loss yet? Seriously I needa start donating my money to the right causes from now on!

[cutebubbles012]

Hahha =p gotta find the humor in heartbreak right?!

 

And yeah tell me about it, I wish there was a cure for heartbreak. Gogo science! We can find a pill to cure gonorrhhea, but nothing for heartbreak or weight loss yet? Seriously I needa start donating my money to the right causes from now on!

 

lol. you are funny.

 

Hope you are having a good day despite all this.

 

i don't know about you but I don't look forward to the weekends as much now that I am single...kinda said but true.

[SooSad33]

lol Broken.. good one!

 

Having a few rough moments last few days here. Emotionally exhausted.. just can't let this all go.

OMG- HOW can the 'other side' just up and go after a LTR they were in.. seriously?

 

They would hopefully feel 'something', someday over this?

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah weekends are never fun, especially knowing ur ex is enjoying his and living it up Bleh. I hope you're having a better day too, thank you! Somehow I believe in karma, even if I'm not there to see it, by personal experience alone I feel it exists, so I take solace in knowing that one day it will happen to them. Will it be as satisfying then as it would be now? Probably not, but gotta hold on to what u can, right? Here's to being single! =P at least we can flirt as much as we want

[cutebubbles012]

Yeah weekends are never fun, especially knowing ur ex is enjoying his and living it up Bleh. I hope you're having a better day too, thank you! Somehow I believe in karma, even if I'm not there to see it, by personal experience alone I feel it exists, so I take solace in knowing that one day it will happen to them. Will it be as satisfying then as it would be now? Probably not, but gotta hold on to what u can, right? Here's to being single! =P at least we can flirt as much as we want

 

He hehe. You are so funny and I like you seem upbeat about all this.

Yes, the positives of being single and free!

I will no longer stop myself when I have the chance to flirt it's fun.

Don't have to date the guy. Practice

[Brokenheart99]

Aw thank you! Don't worry I'm pretty down about it all as well, I had/have a really hard time with it all, I still have my really bad days and wish it could all be different. But idk, I just have to try and be normal if I ever wanna be normal one day, right? Fake it till you make it there you go, practice is good! Always comes in handy, plus flirting lifts your spirits!

[SooSad33]

Today seemed to be a 'really hard day' sigh

Think i just want to goto bed now and sleep (try) a few hours.. hopefully.

 

This **** in Life sucks! I still Miss Him!

[spinape]

Dumpers feel pain if they were at a point fully in love with you. If they wanted change and didnt see it, they will grow past what the relationship has to offer. They will heal quicker, but will still feel some pain associated with memories and the qualities they liked

[SooSad33]

So even though we were together 5 yrs, he's almost 'over it' as we broke up 3.5 mos ago..?

He has admitted he 'misses me too'.

I suppose he will of course, with amt of time we spent together, he'll also 'remember' some good stuff we had.

 

Sigh.. I so miss him.

[SooSad33]

When someone leaves, it's like so 'final'.. all of a sudden, done!? That's it?

It is VERY hard to deal with.

I guess this is why so many out there (dumpee's) can't believe how some ex's (dumper's) can up n go onto another relationship so darn fast!

Like what WE had was.. 'nothing'?

As WE (dumpee's) sit day after day in pain over the loss of ALL we had together- especially 'Long term'

[MajinGuu]

ANYWHO...after this break up in May, 2 months since the break and 21 days of NC i start to wonder - DO THE DUMPERS FEEL PAIN, and if they do is it possible they feel it JUST AS MUCH OR EVEN MORE as the DUMPEE?

My ex told me, despite the fact that she was the dumper, that she was depressed from the day I decided to go NC, she thought of me every day and missed me, she kept texting me and finally told me she loved me and wanted me back.

[SadMellyDelly]

I am the dumper and I feel immense pain because I felt like I had no other choice

[theface71]

No they do not feel pain...relief, joy, and excitement about starting a new chapter in their life yes but not pain. The only time they felt pain is when they were in the relationship and the only cure was by leaving...