Being the Omega Wolf

[FD19582]

The omega wolf sits at the very bottom of the social hierarchy of a wolf pack. It sleeps away from the rest of the pack, eats only after all the others have eaten, and is picked on and scapegoated by the other wolves.

 

I feel like I've occupied an analogous position to the omega wolf in the social groups I've been part of in my life. They claim to be friends, but don't make me feel like I really matter that much to them. If I say something it's ignored or brushed off. I don't get invited to group outings. If I try and make plans to do something, either no one is interested or I get blown off (but if someone else does there's an enthusiastic reception). In the past I used to just suck it up and hope that if I "paid my dues" I'd eventually be accepted by the group, but that never happened. Now if I see the signs that I'm being relegated to omega status in the group, I simply cut ties and drift away -- I'd much rather be alone than be in that position again.

 

Which is where I find myself today. I have no close friends whatsoever and the only socializing I do is either with family or occasional outings with coworkers. If and when I try to make friends again, what can I do to ensure I don't end up as the group omega?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Tough to say. Do you contribute to discussions, are you talkative and upbeat? Some people are just very cliqueish and if you don't fit into the snooty standards they have then you get relegated to omega status. Just keep trying...find things that interest you. While I never felt relegated to omega status, I have found that many of the people I thought were my friends never really came through for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

[Day_Walker]

If you know that you will resort to the "omega wolf" position as you call it then you must take active steps to ensure that will not happen. In essence make more of an effort and put yourself out there.

[Wolf_22]

Back at the end of high school, I was in this exact same situation.

 

Word of the wise:

- Find people who show interest in the things you find interesting.

- Keep all senses open to possible red flags (i.e. - "blowing you off", "scapegoat tactics", "lying to you", etc.).

- If you come accross someone who exhibits these red flags, only go as far as "acquaintance status" with them (at most), and not that of the next step "friendship status." In other words, don't relay on them for anything and NEVER depend on them or expect some sort of expectation of any sort from them.

 

Hope this helps. True friendships are hard to come by nowadays with everyone being so dispersed anymore--not only by physical location, but also by ways of being people in the sense of things like priorities, futures, ambitions and or hobbies, etc.

 

It's mad and difficult world we all live in anymore!

[FD19582]

Tough to say. Do you contribute to discussions, are you talkative and upbeat?

 

I'm not very talkative; I worry I might talk too much or say the wrong thing and be rejected, but on the other hand I know not saying anything isn't good either. I don't seem to know how to navigate between the two extremes.

 

My social interactions all follow the same pattern so I know there's something I need to fix -- I just wish I knew what it was!

[waveseer]

Accepting yourself is the key to solving your problem. I am intelligent, but I don't always say intelligent things. I am socially aware, but I sometimes come off as uncaring. I can accept myself including all of my shortcomings and personality defects. So when I interact with others there isn't so much at stake. If they don't like me, it's okay, I like me.

[Kantriakhor]

I like being the omega wolf in some circles, especially at work and other casual acquaintances where I'm called if needed and left alone to my own devices otherwise.

[FD19582]

I wanted to bump this to thank everyone who replied and give an update on where I'm at right now.

 

I don't see things changing for me anytime soon, so I've come to a decision. I'm sick and tired of trying and trying to fit in and not being accepted. If I'm going to be disliked no matter what, then I can at least be disliked for a reason.

[Brightest Dark]

Because I'm shy I've always preferred to have one good friend than lots of friends. I'm busy so don't tend to socialise a lot - except for when I go to some concerts and events with one friend. I guess I kind of know how you feel - although a lot of the time I am happy being on my own. Of course I wish I had a boyfriend. Or I wish I had a better close friend who was really my best friend. I think as we get older friendships drift away though for a lot of people.

 

Not sure how to avoid the Omega Wolf position. Maybe try and avoid being friends with big groups of people - although I guess guys have more of a tendency to be in big groups than girls. Maybe find some a girl to have as a friend.

[Kantriakhor]

If I'm going to be disliked no matter what, then I can at least be disliked for a reason.

 

Using a pariah-status to justify doing something wrong isn't the wisest course of action you could take. By doing so you are actively choosing to do something wrong and then choosing to be shunned, negating any remorse or empathy you could receive as well as any progress made toward having a circle of friends.

[LanceVanceDance]

I think you just need to find a group of people with whom you truly get along, share the same values, etc. It's not easy to find, so make sure you go out and regularly talk to people you don't know. Friendships develop over time so don't ever make someone feel like you're pressuring them to be your friends.

 

If someone gives you one of the "red flags" you mentioned, I agree you should just treat them like acquaintances and make sure you don't consider them friends; do not rely on them, expect anything from them, or even initiate contact.

[FD19582]

By doing so you are actively choosing to do something wrong and then choosing to be shunned

 

That choice was already made for me. Why should I be friendly to people if it's just going to be taken advantage of or thrown back in my face?

[Kantriakhor]

That choice was already made for me. Why should I be friendly to people if it's just going to be taken advantage of or thrown back in my face?

 

Because should act on their own intiative and not others'

[greywolf]

I wanted to bump this to thank everyone who replied and give an update on where I'm at right now.

 

I don't see things changing for me anytime soon, so I've come to a decision. I'm sick and tired of trying and trying to fit in and not being accepted. If I'm going to be disliked no matter what, then I can at least be disliked for a reason.

 

Maybe it's your bitter attitude that puts people off.

[FD19582]

Maybe it's your bitter attitude that puts people off.

 

Oh believe me, I know I'm bitter. When you get nothing but rejection and humiliation and failure, year in and year out, it has an effect on you. It eats away at you bit by bit until all you have left is anger and resentment.

 

It's a miserable way to exist, and I wish I didn't have to - but what choice do I have anymore?

[Kantriakhor]

Oh believe me, I know I'm bitter. When you get nothing but rejection and humiliation and failure, year in and year out, it has an effect on you. It eats away at you bit by bit until all you have left is anger and resentment.

 

It's a miserable way to exist, and I wish I didn't have to - but what choice do I have anymore?

 

You have the choice to make the most of life. My father raped me for years, abused me in every way, by most people's reckoning I should either be broken, enraged, carrying on his abuse to others but I chose not to.

 

You have freewill, there's always a choice and you're just choosing to be bitter.

[mfan]

what choice do I have anymore?

 

You have the choice to be independent. Eventually you'll probably zero in on that choice. First you tried fitting in, then you tried rebelling, but I think once you get tired of these, you will decide to be your own person without doing things to elicit reactions in others. You'll do what you like, not what other people like or what other people hate. You will "coincidentally" also become more interesting to other people at that time, and then they will show interest in you.

[Johnathan]

you know, i do feel your pain on this one. i've dealt with alot of this BS too in some of the groups I've hung out with. One thing that helped me is to develop a 'DGAF' attitude about it. First you have to accept that this is the way it is, that these people will probably not change, because they have egos, and also because they likely have a longer history with their buddies than they do with you, and that's something you just dont have control over. But then you can just DGAF it. (don't give a ****). I've gotten pretty angry about this issue, and I use that anger to my advantage....by not caring so much about what comes out of my mouth, even if it may offend someone out there, and to basically stop being overtly "nice" and stop being such a suckup. That is actually one of the things that relegates you with the group, is being a bit of a social pushover. I've used my anger at the situation to stop being that way...and to start being more of a leader...and while it might not get you way up the totem pole with those people, it can at least earn you more of their respect.

[Johnathan]

Maybe it's your bitter attitude that puts people off.

 

depends on how you use that bitterness. I've come to realize you can use it for better or for worse.

 

 

 

BTW, I don't think omega is the word you're looking for. An omega male is actually respectable just in a different way.

 

from link removed:

 

In Animals:

 

Two Rams are butting heads while the female watches. The winner who mates is the stongest and therefore the Alpha Male.

 

Wait...A third ram runs out of the woods and mates with the female while the two males are fighting. THAT is the omega male.

 

 

The word you're looking for is "oddball" or "dud"

[FD19582]

I've been feeling really low for a while thanks to learning that some people in my life weren't who I thought they were, and that seeped through into my writing. I took a few days to sort out my thoughts and how people replied to them and came up with a response.

 

You have freewill, there's always a choice and you're just choosing to be bitter.

 

Just saying "don't be bitter!" is a bit like telling a guy in a wheelchair to "get up and walk already!" Something he experienced put him there and sheer force of will isn't gonna be enough to undo what happened to him. If he ever wants to walk again, he's got to do something. What did you do to get past what happened to you, because I don't think it was so simple as waking up one morning and deciding that it wasn't going to haunt you anymore.

 

I don't want to be the way I am, but I can't seem to let go of the past. I can't shake the feeling that everyone who ever did me wrong would be getting away with it if I did.

 

You'll do what you like, not what other people like or what other people hate. You will "coincidentally" also become more interesting to other people at that time, and then they will show interest in you.

 

"Be yourself" in so many words. I worry that there's something innate to me that makes me unlikeable and being myself is the problem, not the solution.

 

Two Rams are butting heads while the female watches. The winner who mates is the stongest and therefore the Alpha Male.

 

Wait...A third ram runs out of the woods and mates with the female while the two males are fighting. THAT is the omega male.

 

I think I like that definition better - the guy who gets it done while everyone else is busy fighting over petty stuff!

[Kantriakhor]

Just saying "don't be bitter!" is a bit like telling a guy in a wheelchair to "get up and walk already!" Something he experienced put him there and sheer force of will isn't gonna be enough to undo what happened to him. If he ever wants to walk again, he's got to do something. What did you do to get past what happened to you, because I don't think it was so simple as waking up one morning and deciding that it wasn't going to haunt you anymore.

 

First off, how dare you compare yourself to someone bound to a wheel chair? What makes you think you can compare yourself, someone with full use of their body, to them? They can't just walk because they are physically incapable of it, they didn't choose this, and no matter how hard they may want to walk, they may never be able to.

 

Your situation is a matter of choice, you're choosing to keep feeling this way and you're choosing to believe you're helpless. It won't be easy but you can change your moods and can choose how to react to situations. It's easy to be negative, requires no effort to throw a pity-party like you've been doing, but it takes someone with real character to rise above it. Perhaps you lack that quality but don't ever demean the physically disabled by comparing them to you, a person who refuses to change how he reacts to life's events. We all go through tough times and sometimes we fall but we can always choose to get back up, you're choosing not to and using self-pity to deflect the fact that you can change.

[FD19582]

First off, how dare you compare yourself to someone bound to a wheel chair? What makes you think you can compare yourself, someone with full use of their body, to them? They can't just walk because they are physically incapable of it, they didn't choose this, and no matter how hard they may want to walk, they may never be able to.

 

I don't have full use of my mind. I didn't deliberately choose to see all the life threw at me as either a personal affront or proof I was defective or unworthy - I just reacted the only way I knew how. Now I'm left with a deep-seated fear of people and suspicion of their motives in interacting with me. Seeing people first and foremost as sources of pain will cripple you just as surely as any physical injury. That was the point I was trying to make, not that all attempts to change were impossible or pointless. In retrospect, maybe I could have made that clearer.

 

Your situation is a matter of choice, you're choosing to keep feeling this way and you're choosing to believe you're helpless. It won't be easy but you can change your moods and can choose how to react to situations.

 

You're right. I'm not helpless, just wounded. I do have a choice, and I choose to begin healing and to begin seeing the world as something other than a painful and treacherous place. Simple desire isn't enough, though. It might be necessary, but it's not sufficient. Undoing years of fearful and suspicious ways of thinking, so ingrained as to be automatic, won't be done by wishing, but doing - hard and painful doing. But I don't know where to begin.

 

I'm not saying I can't, I'm saying I don't know how.

 

It's easy to be negative, requires no effort to throw a pity-party like you've been doing, but it takes someone with real character to rise above it. Perhaps you lack that quality but don't ever demean the physically disabled by comparing them to you, a person who refuses to change how he reacts to life's events. We all go through tough times and sometimes we fall but we can always choose to get back up, you're choosing not to and using self-pity to deflect the fact that you can change.

 

If you see me as just some self-pitying whiner with a martyr complex, that's fine. And if you see me as a guy who's finally decided that he's sick of being a stunted human being with a grudge against the world, that's fine too.

[Kantriakhor]

I was sexually assaulted by my father for my entire childhood, forced to strip and eat fecal matter for his amusement, you may have been through hell but I can guarantee people go through worse, hopefully you'll see the good things in life and in people, but if not then it's your own choice.

[Lonewing]

I am the alpha...and the omega. And the beta.

 

For you see, I learned long ago that I am my own wolf, a lone wolf, and I run with my own pack. And I am my pack, and I run free. I need nobody.

 

Someday someone will be with me because they like me and my pack - or I will be one they want with them in their pack - but I will not be there if I am not my own wolf.

 

You jsut have to be confident in yourself.