How common is having a FWB?

[jhinesis]

So--is this common? I don't mean a buddy, or someone you call up just to have sex and then leave. I mean a friend--who you hang out with and do friendly things--spend time with, on purpose, because you like them as a person ---and also have sex with them?

 

Does it ruin friendships or do they ever turn into more? Does it matter if the "friendship" came long before the sex or if the two started out dating(non-exclusive, casual dating). Thoughts?

[waveseer]

I can't have nsa sex with a man I really adore because there will be strings attached, namely to my heart.

[nicknick]

I've been down this road and i think it's very selfish. It's the act of a person who doesn't want any commitment but wants all the benefits.....eg SEX!

 

If it has been proposed to you i would think very carefully about it because it always ends in hurt...always!

[jul-els]

From personal experience, nsa relationships never work out as intended. Everytime I've had one the person got too attached for my liking or more than I think they thought they were planning on. In the end, someone gets let down. I don't recommend it, but maybe others can.

[ay0_x]

I don't think it's a good idea =/. To me a friend is someone who you dont have sex with. Full stop. * * * * buddies, maybe. But the FWB thing is too hard.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Judging from all the posts I have seen on this forum it seems like having an FWB or FB is quite a common "experiment"...people want sex and they don't want to have to pay for it so they embark on these kinds of casual encounters...and more often than not that experiment ends up in disaster. One person develops feelings, one person starts calling the shots as far as when the get togethers will happen, phone calls are not returned right away and there is a general lack of respect that ultimately occurs.

[Nixee]

I don't know how common it is, but I've been there.

 

I tend to think it doesn't really happen on purpose though. Friends fall for each other... or maybe they are mutually sexually attracted, and things happen. But more often than not the story is that one wants things to progress further - towards relationship land, while the other wants/needs things to stay in sex-only land for the time being, and trouble follows.

 

I lost one of my dearest friends this way. It felt at times like we could almost make it as a couple, but timing wasn't right, and at the end of the day we were really just best friends who liked being sexual with each other.

 

I don't think it matters so much if the friendship comes first or the dating comes first... once sex/romance enters the picture then there is a risk for things to get ugly. If you were good friends and that happens, the bigger risk is simply for more pain because you are not only losing a lover, but also a friend and confidant.

 

I suppose that yes, they can turn into more... but sadly, you hear more failure stories than happy endings. Feelings have to be exactly mutual - not just sexual.

[tiredofvampires]

I have had a couple of these in my life (though I'm a bit of an anomaly in that I stopped shy of going all the way, in both cases -- since I have a fear of STDs, and also can't seem to consummate things unless I'm in love.) Without going into details, these "interludes" involved extensive foreplay -- and it seemed to be a natural extension of our "chemistry" together, with clothes on, sharing one another's engaging energy in non-sexual contexts. Both arose out of friendship with emotional sharing and vulnerability, that got me turned on enough to want to become physical, and vice versa. I was not in relationships at the time, so it was a kind of "why not?" situation, where no one was going to be betrayed, and we both knew going in that there were some perameters -- namely, that we also had enough going against us to make us incompatible as serious LTR material.

 

I am still friends with both of them, even though we each have gone through new relationships and have not tried to "make something" more of our physical past. They have honored my getting serious with partners, and I them, and the emphasis switched to a platonic vibe.

 

One of these guys would probably like to get into a relationship with me now, if I allowed it to go there, since we are both single and have a long history of closeness on many levels. But there are reasons why I don't feel I can be with him that are complicated, and the fact is that I've never felt in love with him. I kind of wish I would feel this, but I don't. I see him as a dear friend, who has boosted me as a woman and I've boosted him as a man, and we've enjoyed physical intimacy, but something is missing. He is aware of this and has not put his life on hold for me in any way, and would not begrudge me getting into another relationship. Sometimes he pushes the envelope of my comfort zone though, as I don't feel like engaging with him in a sexual context now. So it's a bit tricky, but we manage to stay friends no matter what, and this is a very long-standing one.

 

The other guy I started to "date" after my ex broke it off with me. "Date" in quotes because it didn't have a romantic feeling at first. I was sincerely interested in his friendship, as we had a lot of things we share. One thing led to another and it got physical after a while. Neither of us felt we had claims on the other, or high hopes riding on this -- just a good enough "click" and care for one another, plus some frustrated hormones on either side. But I saw that we were not going to get anywhere together, being as different as we are. I think it was a bit like a "trial balloon" for an LTR that was falling flat. So we kind of mutually got to the point of just backing off the physical stuff and now he has a serious girlfriend he's living with. He still calls me though to chat about the latest and we miss hanging out.

 

I can hang out with either of these dudes in mixed company or alone and feel completely at ease that they are my friends, and that can be all.

 

Wow, sorry this got so long, it reads kind of like a memoir or something. Just thought fleshing it out might illustrate how it can work.

 

I think it could easily crash and burn with people though, and people get hurt this way. These are rather rare situations; and a lot depends on the individuals. There are a coupe of guys who I could get physical with, "without strings" ostensibly, and one of us would get hurt because our hearts would be invested in love that the other would not reciprocate. So I don't go there with these situations.

[Batya33]

I think it's just a euphemism for people who have casual sex with their friends, which has been going on for many many years, centuries most likely. Most people who use the acronym do so because they want to have a relationship type status, a label, rather than calling it what it is. Nothing wrong with it as long as it is two consenting adults honest with themselves and each other about the fact that it is simply an arrangement where you have sex when you feel like it but without a commitment.

 

I think many people use the label to describe a person they met recently, had sex with shortly after meeting and continue to have sex with when they're horny -- they're not friends, and never were friends but they need the euphemism for some reason.

[needafriend]

I would advise against going into a FWB situation with someone that has been a good friend for years. I speak from experience, sex changes EVERYTHING. Even if there are no feelings involved... that 'friendship' will never be the same again.

[jettison]

I would advise against going into a FWB situation with someone that has been a good friend for years. I speak from experience, sex changes EVERYTHING. Even if there are no feelings involved... that 'friendship' will never be the same again.

 

Speaking from someone who just got out of a regular, every week FWB relationship that lasted about 6 months, the aftermath sucks. Friend? What friend? Nowhere to be found in both directions.

 

Me to her: "Why are you yelling at me, and getting super emotional with me, and criticizing me? I thought we were just friends?"

 

Her back to me: "See, this is why we can't have sex anymore. I get like this, and I become a monster. I can't help it."

 

Me to her: "Ok, then let's date."

 

Her to me: "No, let's not have sex anymore because it messes everything up, and we've been friends for too long."

 

Me to her: "Ok, that's fair. No more sex then."

 

Her to me: "What are you doing Friday night? Can I spend the night, and then we can go have breakfast at that French place? Oh, and no sex, but let's snuggle naked a lot until you get an erection. Ok?"

 

Me: "Gee, ok."

 

 

Too many emotions, too many nuances, too many liabilities, too many factors in play when it comes to sex and friendships to just stay casual about the whole thing. She gets her feelings hurt when I don't step up to the plate like I'm her boyfriend, and I get my man-feelings hurt when I'm suddenly informed that we're not having sex "just because."

[needafriend]

I get my man-feelings hurt

 

Aw man feelings

Penis' have feelings???

[jettison]

Aw man feelings

Penis' have feelings???

 

They do. Sometimes, if your penis gets especially hurt, it will give you the silent treatment and not speak to you for days. It's awful! The only thing you can do at that point is to bring it flowers, talk in a thoughtful, understanding voice, and hope that it forgives you.

[needafriend]

Hahahahahaha!! Very good

[ScorpiGal83]

I don't think I can. Every time I try to, we fall in love and I end up in a full-blown relationship.

[jaycee00]

Mine ended kinda badly...but I grew so very much as a person. Everybody focuses on what happens in the short run and tells you to AVOID ALL MISTAKES. Please...how mature could you actually get this way?

[Batya33]

Mine ended kinda badly...but I grew so very much as a person. Everybody focuses on what happens in the short run and tells you to AVOID ALL MISTAKES. Please...how mature could you actually get this way?

 

I don't think the message is to avoid all mistakes, but, rather, to evaluate situations based on both head and heart when it comes to romantic interactions or relationships and try to make the best decision based on everything you know. Mistakes happen anyway and it's great if you learn from them - and that helps with maturity.

[jackie100]

I have what I call a "bootycall" I met on the internet. I wouldnt' call him a FWB because he isn't my friend. We don't talk or hang out at all. It's been six months and I "think" he knows my name but I'm not sure, he might not even know it actually and I don't really care whether he does or not. I know his though because I googled him. I'm fine with casual sex. Even though I am a woman I can separate love and sex. At this point in my life I don't care for love, I am good with just sex.

 

I have always heard people saying "sex is better when you're in love" etc but for me that doesn't seem to be true. The sex with my bootycall is better than ANY of the sex I have EVER had with any of my ex-boyfriends. Perhaps it's better because there is no emotional attachment so we can focus purely on the physical side without relationship stress or resentment affecting the sex.

 

After we do it he just gets up and leaves. It's an arrangement that works both for us.

 

I never would have done this in my 20's but I'm in my 30's and I make no apologies for enjoying it immensely. I know what I want.

[Cardinal]

Most of my past relationships ended on friendly terms and I have even successfully continued benefits after the relationship ended. Different form of FWB I guess.

 

I have also now had several successful FWB that never were dating situations.

 

Adding benefits has always brought the relationship closer together for me and it has never hurt anything. The way I figure it, if a friendship can't stand adding benefits, it likely isn't that strong of a friendship to begin with (or is just too fragile)

 

F Buddies is a pretty mechanical concept that some people can deal with and others can't. I have never had a F buddy. Big difference between that and a FWB.

[Batya33]

I have fooled around with friends in the past (but never had casual sex). I disagree that if it changes the friendship in a negative way it reflects the weaknesses in the friendship.

 

Even the strongest friendships can be negatively affected by sex/fooling around because you're changing the very foundation of the interaction and relationship and introducing all sorts of complications - emotional and practical - into the relationship. Also, it's understandable that if one person finds a partner the friendship might not continue if the partner is uncomfortable with the SO staying in touch with a former sex partner, even if that person also was a friend.

 

I do think though, with exceptions of course, that friends who choose to become sex partners are willing to risk the friendship in order to have sexual pleasure.

[Superfreak]

I'm not sure how common it is. Before this year I didn't even know anybody at all that was in a FWB relationship, then this year *I* entered in to a FWB relationship. The girl I was in the relationship with however knew that at least 2 or 3 of her single girl-friends that also had a F-buddy.

 

I seriously doubt though that most single people have a fwb relationship.

[Sparkley]

Too common, found out to my cost, I felt for him but all he wanted was me to be his and after he'd had his fun he dumped me just like that.