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jackie100

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  1. Your friend probably doesn't want to be friends anymore. That is not even CLOSE to abuse. Your friend is not "obligated" to talk to you. Sounds like she just doesn't want to be your friend which is NOT abuse. The concept you are talking about refers to couples where one partner ignores the other one during a fight. Sounds like you're friend just doesn't want anything to do with you, which is NOT abuse.
  2. You're right, I think the main thing is that the possibility of her taking it at as some type of acknowledgment is something that will affect ME and not her, lol It will affect me because I will think : "Darn, she thinks I actually listen to her and that she has power over me, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggg"... I think the behavior that I exhibit which triggers her patronizing is me not having had any contact with her (except for a few e-mails and visits throughout the years). There were periods where I didn't talk to her for years and she didn't know if I was dead or alive and she probably imagined things (I'm sure her disease didn't help) that I was held captive underground or something. She could not fathom that I chose to not to see her. Perhaps it would hurt her too much to realize that her own daughter didn't want to see her so she imagined that "someone must be making/forcing my daughter not to visit me" etc. This is what family members told me. She thought I was being held against my will. I chose not to visit her because I just didn't like her and it was easier for me to ignore her. Just her thinking that was a bit patronizing too because she didn't think I was capable of choosing not to see her, someone had to "make" me. A few years ago she had some clues as to where I lived and I think she combed the neighborhood for months, knocking on every single door and asking strangers if they saw me etc. She would actually walk into people's houses if the doors were unlocked! That's how crazy she was. I know because I was living with a roommate at the time and she just walked in the house like that without even knowing that I was there. It could have been anyone's house! If she walked into the wrong house she could have been shot if someone thought she was an intruder. After she found me I ended up moving to a new place just to get away from her. One time she sent a letter to my P.O box. I have no idea how she even found it because it was private. She must have hired a private investigator, I'm not sure how she found it at all. I heard that she used to drive around cities looking for my car etc Family members have told me that they think it will help her stop smothering/patronizing/driving around looking for me if I visit her because then she can see with her own eyes that I'm alive and ok. Sometimes I will see some of my family members though and then they will tell her that they saw me and that I'm alive and well etc. One of my family members told me that she feels that my mom is "desperate" and that she is afraid my mom might do something drastic. I would feel guilty if she hurt herself because of me so I suppose that's why I want to have a civil relationship. My family also think my mom will calm down if she sees I'm ok. So far the "mothering" has been through e-mail but after reading those I became so angry already that I was about to snap and that was only e-mail.
  3. But if I say "ok mom" will she think that I'm actually doing the things she suggested or not? If I say "ok mom" I will still do whatever it is that I want to do and not follow her directions. Eventually the choices in my life are still my decision. If I don't want to take a vitamin I won't. People always say that you have to follow your parents rule as long as you live under their roof. That's why I left as soon as it was legal for me to do. Now I only have to follow the government's law but not my mothers... lol
  4. Actually, when I was a child my mom was very nurturing, I think she kind of overprotected me and that affected me negatively as well. I think I may have phrased it wrong. During my teenage years she didn't really know how to communicate with me effectively, due to her ignorance she didn't know when I was supposed to send in applications to college, she didn't ask me about college etc. This is what I meant, I don't know if that falls under "nurturing" or not, but I have to admit that during my teenage years I sort of hated my mom so I probably would have ignored her anyways if she even tried talking to me about those things. It's just sometimes I see people with perfect families etc (probably from watching too much tv, lol) and I envisioned that's what my teenage years should have been like. I guess what I mean is that she didn't "nurture" me when I was a teen, like 16, 17 etc During those years we barely talked at all. When I was a child I have to admit that she DID nurture me but she just did everything her way without ever asking for my input. It bothers me to be treated like a child because my mom was treating me as a child even when I was a teenager and even when I turned 18. She was still opening my mail, peeking under the door (she seriously did this), eavesdropped on conversations, etc So in a way I still feel like a teenager, like I never made the transition from teen to adult and now that I'm and adult she is treating me even more of a child than she did when I was a teen! Perhaps she is that way because I don't live with her anymore and therefore she worries a lot more about me... but when I was a teen and living under her roof she never said "Drink calcium, swallow if its too big", but now that I'm 30 (turning 31 soon) she talks to me like a toddler. I think if I reconnect with my mother in person again that she should be lucky that I even want to talk to her and that she should see me as an equal, not someone she has any power or any authority over. You are right, I am SO angry with her that I can't bring myself to even give her the slightest impression that her care matters to me and to be completely honest, her care for me doesn't really matter to me. I would like us to to have a somewhat civil relationship now that I'm getting older and for the sake of the family. They have been asking for me for 10 years now to go visit her etc I realize that I am immature and you are right, I should pick my battles. I just feel like I want to battle everything with her though, like everything is a battle. Sometimes it also makes me wonder if I was a guy if my mom would still patronize me so much but there were quite a few guys who posted here that their moms also patronize them to eat well, take vitamins etc so I suppose it's not so much a gender issue. I don't really know what's wrong with me, but I do tend to get irritated very easily, I'm sort of hot tempered and very impatient and I'm also a very fast-paced type-a personality type of person so when my mother tries to patronize me it irritates me beyond belief and I feel like I can't hold it. I'm not a really easygoing person you could say. I have read some people say that I can't control her actions but only my reaction to her, which is true. It's just so hard to control my reactions when she pushes my buttons. I know I have to be an adult and try to deal with it though.
  5. Because if my mother irritates me by nagging me to wear warm clothes it will make me feel like wearing a tank top in the cold just to spite her for irritating me. We have a stormy relationship and I think love is a strong word, I don't now if I even love her but I try to tolerate her. I want to be treated as an adult, being talked to as a child makes me feel less powerful and helpless, it makes me feel like I am regressing towards childhood. It is just very important to me to be recognized as an adult. If I am not recognized now then when, do I have to wait until I am 60 and have wrinkles on my face? I have lived alone since I was 18, I am completely independent, haven't take one penny from her since I moved out, never ask her for advise, I don't ask or want anything from her, except to be treated as an adult and to not nag me. I like to feel on equal standing with everyone else in my family, not as someone to be talked down to. I want to feel like I have equal power as any other adult, not like I'm still a child. I have worked hard in life to be successful, talking to me like I'm a child makes me feel like I am still a child. I feel like it takes away from how competent, independent and successful I am and reduces me to a dimwit who doesn't know their ABC's. It makes me look like a weakling or a slow person and it just irritates me because I am the complete opposite of that.
  6. No, I have an only child plus my mom is divorced and doesn't date or even associate with men, has no friends, doesn't work, and doesn't have any hobbies. This makes it worse because she has no life of her own and makes her obsessed with me. She probably thinks about me all day because she has nothing better to do. I wish I had brothers and sisters so that the "mothering" would be diffused through everyone a bit but sadly I'm an only child so I get the brunt of it.
  7. Once I have and she replied with this : "-I care a lot about you and keep reminding you to do things that you don’t like, if you don’t like what I wrote don’t read them but don’t get upset , it’s just little things an old mother like to write! like not to forget to take calcium + vitamine D for the growing bones, to eat fruits and vegetables to avoid constipation, to eat three time a day to have enough energy for the day, to wear a jacket in the chilling evening…!!! I’m not going to write them again.but don’t be angry at your old mother." but then the next e-mails she wrote the exact same thing again...such as eat veggies, taking vitamins etc. She probably e-mailed a bunch of e-mails after that one still patronizing even though she said she won't write them again. She did write them again, numerous times. She doesn't listen. She still does it even though she knows how much it aggravates me. I don't know if she realizes the extent of my aggravation though, it's to the point where I want to scream out loud or punch something. She really is compulsive, I thinks she has anxiety if she doesn't say those things, kind of like she's itching to say them and she can't control herself. She knows I will get mad but she can't resist herself.
  8. I don't want kids, I am not a maternal person and don't really like kids but IF I ever had kids I would never be patronizing like that. I would have my own life and once my kids were grown I would realize they were adults and let them be.
  9. I would hope not because I'm one of those women who actually don't want to get married or kids. Or have a relationship. I just like to be alone. And even if I was interested in a relationship, I think I still feel so rebellious towards my mom that I would automatically disqualify and dislike ever person that she approved of just because she liked them.
  10. Well, I don't think me and my mother ever really had an adult relationship because we barely have a relationship. The patronizing was done through e-mail but when I did see her several years ago she was still patronizing me as well. I never call my mom for advise or for anything at all actually. I am extremely independent and never ever do I rely on her for advise, financial help (if anyone were to help anyone financially it would be me helping her since she doesn't have any money to begin with). I am a very independent person and yet she still babies me. I think it makes me upset because it makes me feel helpless like a child and I hate that feeling. I would like to be treated as a powerful adult, capable of making her own decisions, as someone who is competent and intelligent, but I wouldn't want my mom to say : "Wow you're a powerful adult, so competent and intelligent" because that would make me feel patronized as well, lol. I would prefer her to not make any comments about me but just talk about neutral subjects. If I tell her this though she wouldn't understand, she can't help patronizing, it's just in her nature. Sometimes it gets me really angry to the point where I feel like I'm about to cry out of frustration. I don't think it's because I didn't receive this type of "mothering" as a young child, I think she did "mother" me in this sort of way when I was a little kid. In the other thread I was complaining about some of her other parenting skills. I just really hate being babied. It makes me feel weak, like I'm not an equal, not an adult but still an impotent child. It makes feel angry and frustrated, like I'm not being taken seriously.
  11. It makes me feel a lot better that you're a guy and you're being patronized. At times I felt it was because I was a female or something and that my mom thought I was "weak and fragile" and incapable of taking care of myself which infuriated me but it feels better knowing that there are guys who get treated like that as well. Misery loves company I guess.
  12. I'm talking about a "child" who's 30 years and moved out since the age of 18. Is it normal for the mother of a 30 year old to still say things like: -Eat all your fruits and vegetables -I hope you’ve gained some weight (What the heck at this, why would I want to gain weight? FYI, I LIKE being slim, I don't WANT to gain weight, why would a mother wish something on me that I wouldn't want to begin with!) What kind of a thing to say is this?? I don't care if it's out of love, I want to scream to her face that "I don't want to gain weight" and to leave me alone! She said this in 4 e-mails! Same crap every time she writes even though I repeatedly told her it irritates me every time she writes this. -Don't forget to forget to wear warm sweaters and pants I think I'm old enough at 30 now to wear whatever I want and if she doesn't like it too bad. -Eat well to get energy for the day -Remember to take calcium , it’s good for your bones. Take 2 tablets a day (about 1000 mg), choose the one with vitamine D added. Chew them if they are too big to swallow. What, am I a 3 year old now? I am quite capable and competent thank you very much. I'm 30 and my mother thinks she can tell me take vitamins and chew if they are too big to swallow.. ?? lol Does anyone else have a mother like this? She patronized me via e-mail btw, not in person. If your mother still patronizes you and you are an adult who lives on his/her own please name specifics. It would make me feel a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one having to suffer/deal with being patronized like this. My mother is dense btw, she doesn't understand when I ask her not to patronize me, it really goes through one ear and out the other. I think she's not capable of understanding. Telling her in a mature and adult way to stop patronizing etc will not work because she is obsessive compulsive and next time will probably say the same thing because she just can't help herself. Sometimes I wonder if I was a guy if she would still patronize me like this? Or is it that she's just so obsessive and compulsive that she will patronize me either way? It's annoying and does nothing but push me away and resent her even more. I don't care if it's done out of love. It still bothers me a lot.
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