Your guy friends want to have sex with you. Wake up ladies!

[diabolik]

I hope you're right Plus, I'm going to law school after I get my degree, so I've got another 5 years ahead of me lol so it should be a while...

It will come much sooner than that. I think that most of your existing male friends (who are not gay or have a very low sex drive) want to sleep with you, but it may be that they value your friendship too much to risk losing it by coming onto you. I’ve been in that position before.

I'm very glad I'm one of the (according to this thread) few guys who befriends people to be friends, not as a ploy to get them in bed.

If that’s what you came away with, then you’ve misinterpreted my posts in this thread.

And what is the point of generalizing everything when we already know that every guy is different just like every girl is different. Its just a pointless debate when it comes down to it...

Generalizations serve a purpose, despite having certain limitations.

All this thread is accomplishing is making girls more insecure about their guy friends. If a girl doesn't want to have sex with their guy friends well its her choice. If she doesn't want to have sex well then no ones going to have sex. The controls in the girls hands so I don't understand why you are sounding off the warning sirens here. Now I am going to have to watch my harmless flirtation with all my girl friends because they might take it as something else. Thanks for making life a bit more difficult for those guys who just want to be friends...

Hopefully this thread makes women more aware and in a better position to ward off unwanted advances by their male friends. Then we may not have to read about how a woman was forcibly kissed or even raped by a friend. That this may make women slightly more on guard around their male friends is a worthwhile tradeoff, IMHO.

Sorry if women being vigilant against things like acquaintance rape make life a bit more difficult for you.

I just think bringing this out and telling women its what most men think is causing a lot more damage then good. Women should be smart enough to realize which guys have it in for them and which ones are harmless.

If it were so easy to figure out, acquaintance rape wouldn’t be so commonplace.

Why are you telling me to wake up though? I already knew all guy friends/acquaintances want to have sex with me and I am fine with it. I have no problem with guy friends fantasizing about me and wanting to have sex with me. I like it. lol

Because many women, especially younger women, are very naïve about this. You’re aware, and that’s great, but many are not, hence this thread.

The point of this post is to encourage women to be vigilent, yes?

 

How do you propose women practically take steps to be vigilent? What exactly should we be doing with this new found knowledge that all our male friends want to sleep with us?

 

What should we be doing that you think we are not currently doing? It's one thing to say "be vigilent" - what does that mean to you exactly?

I think a practical application is for women to treat behavior by a male friend that she would treat as an advance coming from a stranger, as an advance. I think both of the recent situations that precipitated this thread (forced kiss and rape) could have been avoided if the women in question saw their friend’s behavior for what it was and put an early end to it.

 

Another application – would you allow yourself to get very drunk in the company of a strange male, when none of your other friends are around? Probably not. So don’t do that with a male friend either, unless you have complete confidence that he would not take advantage of the situation.

 

As a general comment to some of the bashing this thread has received:

I’m not saying that every man a woman is friends with wants to have sex with her – again, that depends on sexual orientation, hormones, woman’s physical attractiveness, etc. And of those that do want to have sex, some will never act on it for reasons including they value the friendship too much to risk losing that, etc.

 

And I have received enough rep points and posts in this thread agreeing with most of what I've written, from both men and women, that it is clear to me that this message resonates with both genders.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I think both of the recent situations that precipitated this thread (forced kiss and rape) could have been avoided if the women in question saw their friend’s behavior for what it was and put an early end to it.

 

Mind elaborating? Forced kissing is tactless but rape is another story. Telling a guy friend/acquaintance not to cross the line won't stop him if he is a rapist.

 

Say I go to a party and have been enlightened by the idea the males I interact with wish to sleep with me... that doesn't make me any wiser to stop a potential rape.

 

There is common protocol all women should be following to protect themselves in general. Don't leave drinks in the open, don't get wasted, bring many trusted friends, etc.

[diabolik]

I think both of the recent situations that precipitated this thread (forced kiss and rape) could have been avoided if the women in question saw their friend’s behavior for what it was and put an early end to it.

 

Mind elaborating? Forced kissing is tactless but rape is another story. Telling a guy friend/acquaintance not to cross the line won't stop him if he is a rapist.

 

Say I go to a party and have been enlightened by the idea the males I interact with wish to sleep with me... that doesn't make me any wiser to stop a potential rape.

 

There is common protocol all women should be following to protect themselves in general. Don't leave drinks in the open, don't get wasted, bring many trusted friends, etc.

 

 

In many, perhaps most, acquaintance rape situations, the woman has opportunities to prevent things from getting out of control if she is aware and vigilant. Acquaintance rape typically has many more warning signs than situations where a stranger drags a woman at knife/gunpoint into a dark alley.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

 

In many, perhaps most, acquaintance rape situations, the woman has opportunities to prevent things from getting out of control if she is aware and vigilant. Acquaintance rape typically has many more warning signs than situations where a stranger drags a woman at knife/gunpoint into a dark alley.

 

If she knew he was sexually attracted to her, she probably still would have hung out with him, though. Rape is not the same as sexual attraction. Most guys can have a sexual desire for a woman without raping her.

The mistake was possibly being alone with a man she hadn't seen in a couple years. He was just a terrible guy- other than being in a group or avoiding the meetup all together, what could she have done?

[diabolik]

If she knew he was sexually attracted to her, she probably still would have hung out with him, though. Rape is not the same as sexual attraction. Most guys can have a sexual desire for a woman without raping her.

Of course. Did I ever say anything that contradicts this?

The mistake was possibly being alone with a man she hadn't seen in a couple years. He was just a terrible guy- other than being in a group or avoiding the meetup all together, what could she have done?

Being alone with him and getting drunk. Allowing him to drive to his house. Entering his house. Drinking more. Not leaving, calling a friend, etc.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Being alone with him and getting drunk. Allowing him to drive to his house. Entering his house. Drinking more. Not leaving, calling a friend, etc.

 

Right. These are common things women should do to stay safe. I said that before. I am only asking if you feel "Your guy friends want to have sex with you. Wake up ladies!" relates in any way to "preventing" rapes.

 

 

To me, you insinuated if a woman knew her guy friends wanted to have sex with her, she could somehow avoid the rape. I am debating this point alone. Just asking for clarification on the idea.

[diabolik]

Being alone with him and getting drunk. Allowing him to drive to his house. Entering his house. Drinking more. Not leaving, calling a friend, etc.

 

Right. These are common things women should do to stay safe. I said that before. I am only asking if you feel "Your guy friends want to have sex with you. Wake up ladies!" relates in any way to "preventing" rapes.

 

 

To me, you insinuated if a woman knew her guy friends wanted to have sex with her, she could somehow avoid the rape. I am debating this point alone. Just asking for clarification on the idea.

Women often neglect to do these common things when they are in the company of a male friend b/c they often do not consider that the male friend might be looking for opportunities to have sex with her. So normal precautions are not taken and otherwise potentially suspect behavior is overlooked.

 

In this particular situation, if the woman was more cognizant of the possibility that her friend would try to take advantage of her, she might well have escaped the situation before it was too late.

[greywolf]

Diabolik was just responding to another thread where a woman went out with her male friend while her bf was away, and he tried to kiss her several times while she was drunk.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Women often neglect to do these common things when they are in the company of a male friend b/c they often do not consider that the male friend might be looking for opportunities to have sex with her. So normal precautions are not taken and otherwise potentially suspect behavior is overlooked.

 

In this particular situation, if the woman was more cognizant of the possibility that her friend would try to take advantage of her, she might well have escaped the situation before it was too late.

 

Women need to wake up more about protecting themselves in general- you're right.

I think some women may (if they came accross this advice somehow) feel more confident around male friends than before if they assume he would sleep with her. A less secure woman may see a man's sexual interest as approval. It's a shame, but it happens.

 

"Oh he has admitted to wanting to sleep with me. He likes me. He would never hurt me."

[diabolik]

Diabolik was just responding to another thread where a woman went out with her male friend while her bf was away, and he tried to kiss her several times while she was drunk.

I was responding to that thread, and the other one in which the woman was raped (linked to a few posts back).

 

And more generally, I was responding to the cluelessness and naivety I see in women when it comes to this issue. And I noted earlier, younger women *tend* to be more naive about this than older women.

[stingray]

You could have took this thread in an entirely different direction if all you wanted to do was to help women become more vigilant. Instead you decided to make these sweeping generalizations! I think its completely overkill...

[diabolik]

You could have took this thread in an entirely different direction if all you wanted to do was to help women become more vigilant. Instead you decided to make these sweeping generalizations! I think its completely overkill...

I disagree. But you are free to have your say.

[Lowconfidence]

You could have took this thread in an entirely different direction if all you wanted to do was to help women become more vigilant. Instead you decided to make these sweeping generalizations! I think its completely overkill...

 

As another male, I strongly disagree.

 

C'mon, guys have two heads, and the little one does most of the thinking!

[stingray]

As another male, I strongly disagree.

 

C'mon, guys have two heads, and the little one does most of the thinking!

You are free to your opinion but leave me out of it so don't say all men are like this...

[Lowconfidence]

You are free to your opinion but leave me out of it so don't say all men are like this...

 

A lot of guys have hidden agendas. From a male's perspective, that's how Diabolik knows. Being a guy too, I agree some guys just want to be sly and get in there.

[diabolik]

You are free to your opinion but leave me out of it so don't say all men are like this...

I don't say all men are like anything.

[Circe]

I'm uncomfortable with the way this thread takes the emphasis off men to behave appropriately and according to common standards of decency .. and puts the onus/obligation onto women to treat every friendly compliment by a male friend as an advance.

 

I agree that everybody should be vigilent. I just think this thread goes dangerously close to that terrible line of reasoning which I thought was history. I.e. "if a woman dresses a certain way or does a certain thing.. she can expect to be raped."

 

I think this thread approaches that territory and that makes me uncomfortable. It may be a practical necessity that women be vigilent - even with male friends, but the onus of behaving appropriately should never be taken off the perpetrator in any scenario (here, the men you speak of).

 

I also agree that this generalisation of men - for all we know - doesnt even fit in with how "most" men think. So many people think they know how "most" people think. All we can possibly know is how "most" of the men who respond to this thread on ENA think. And that's really not a fair sample.

 

Small story. When I was a uni student, a lecturer - whose class I was in that semester started to invite me to his office. Initially under the pretense that he wanted my feedback (as a random student) of how the class was travelling.

 

But once I was there he started talking about all manner of personal things. Then he asked me back. I was 20.. and very conflict avoidant. I went back to his office at a time I knew he wouldnt be there, so that I could say I went when I didnt. I just knew something was off. Sure enough, he wasnt in his office. But he had left a note for me there. Asking me to call him on his mobile.

 

I complied (this is half way through the term mind you) and it went to his voicemail. Great relief to me.

 

That weekend, on a Saturday, he called me on my mobile. My number had obviously appeared as a "missed call". He was clearly very nervous on the phone. His voice was shaking. After a minute of small talk he asked me if I'd join him for coffee.

 

I instantly reacted with "sure" (because I was too nervous and afraid to say no). When I put the phone down - my mind cleared and I realised I just had to pluck up some courage and get myself out of this situation. So I called him back and said "I'm sorry, I don't think coffee is appropriate. If you want to be friends after I graduate uni, that's a different thing but I can't meet up for coffee while I'm in your class."

 

Anyway - the point of my story is this. He did something inappropriate by asking me out. There's no doubt about that. It was still half way through the semester and I was still in his class. He still had to mark my papers and give me a final grade. And I did the right thing by responding the way I did. I was assertive. But it caused me a great deal of stress to have to do that. And I felt really uncomfortable whenever I saw him again.

 

I just think the onus should never be taken off the perpetrator. Yes we have to protect ourselves and be vigilent but the actions of a man (or woman) who does the wrong thing and acts in a predatory way should never be minimised by focusing on the conduct of the "victim".

 

It's a fine line and I'm not sure which side of it this thread falls.

[diabolik]

I'm uncomfortable with the way this thread takes the emphasis off men to behave appropriately and according to common standards of decency .. and puts the onus/obligation onto women to treat every friendly compliment by a male friend as an advance.

 

I agree that everybody should be vigilent. I just think this thread goes dangerously close to that terrible line of reasoning which I thought was history. I.e. "if a woman dresses a certain way or does a certain thing.. she can expect to be raped."

 

I think this thread approaches that territory and that makes me uncomfortable. It may be a practical necessity that women be vigilent - even with male friends, but the onus of behaving appropriately should never be taken off the perpetrator in any scenario (here, the men you speak of).

I agree that men should behave with decency towards women.

 

And I don't think (nor do I think anyone, male or female, who has agreed with the gist of my first post, thinks) that a woman deserves to be raped under any circumstance.

 

But until the day comes that no men force themselves onto women (whether it's a kiss or rape), the reality is that women have to watch out for themselves.

[Crush85]

This is exactly why I prefer to only be friends with my own gender. There's no tension, no drama, no alterior motives, no BS.. just pure friendship.

[suthoguy83]

My gf of 4 months has a lot of guy friends, mainly co-workers and bf's of her girlfriends. It's not a big issue for me as most of her co-workers are dorky and a bit socially inept lawyer types and she mainly goes out with her gfs without their partners.

 

My only problem would be the ex, who is still part of her group. They're still friends even though he cheated, lied, and made her feel like crap during the last yr of their relationship. But I think he's got some other girl on the go now so it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

 

She's an outgoing and flirty person by nature but I've seen the wrath given out to some good looking random guy who thought he would take the opportunity to kiss her while she was talking to him. Needless to say I'm not worried about her kissing strangers.

 

So in my opinion, I do think girls and guys can just be friends, but there has to be boundaries set, especially if their are partners involved.

[Imprecision]

This is generally not true, and it's easily proven:

 

A guy has the opportunity sleep with a girl, but he doesn't. Or, he has the opportunity to get a girl, but he doesn't.

 

Most guys are not interested solely in sex. Most guys are looking for relationships. Therefore, even if a woman is very attractive, you might not want to sleep with her.

 

That being said, between a straight guy and a straight girl, there are often elements of sexual tension. But this tension is not always compelling. A guy and a girl can hang out for valid non-sexual reasons, such as common interests, shared history, each other's company, etc.

[waveseer]

People hang out together because they find each other attractive in some way. Same gender or cross gender, doesn't matter. If you find someone repulsive you could have everything in common and still recoil from their presence. Also true same gender or cross gender. The problem is not friends who are attracted. The problem is friends who get their signals crossed about whether it should ever be brought up in conversation or deed.

 

Establishing clear boundaries is essential, it saves embarrassment, hurt feelings, and broken friendships.

[Celestialagape54]

Thanks for the post but I don't think, that all friends want to sleep with each other.

 

However that being said I have had bad experiences with this. I have had friends who I was very close to and i though that they could be trusted.

 

One of them had a girlfriend and they were engaged, one day when his fiancee was out of town he contacted me and he was going on about how he wanted to sleep with me before he became a married man. I was so upset I mean how dare he? I seriously thought he was different!!

 

I had another similar experience with another guy friend...so i can see where diabolik is coming from.

[ScorpiGal83]

I don't think ALL my guy friends wanna sleep with me but when I just broke up with my ex, a guy I've known for 10 years and previously thought was 'just a friend' asked me to a movie (which I took as a purely platonic outing) then proceeded to make me uncomfortable throughout the 'date' by suggesting we make out (yeah and he's like 30, who the heck says 'make out' after high school), and trying to hold my hand.

 

When he grabbed my hand I pulled it away, laughed and said "why are you trying to hold my hand?" As a cover he made it out to be a huge joke, but I know better...

 

after the movie, when he walked me to my car he tried to kiss me again when we were hugging goodbye and I turned my face away.

 

When I got home there was a text from him with an apology, he basically said he knows he was out of line and that if we do meet up again he will 'behave'. I told him that I only see him as a friend and enjoy his company, to which he replied "i feel the same".

 

Hmph.

[diabolik]

Most guys are not interested solely in sex. Most guys are looking for relationships. Therefore, even if a woman is very attractive, you might not want to sleep with her.

You and I are living in different realities.

Thanks for the post but I don't think, that all friends want to sleep with each other.

I don't think ALL my guy friends wanna sleep with me

Many folks are interpreting this incorrectly. I'm not saying ALL guy friends want to sleep with you. I'm saying some of your straight guy friends do, and, importantly, the woman's (objective) attractiveness is a huge factor in this. The hotter the woman is, the greater the % of her guy friends, on average, who want to sleep with her.

 

Despite the misinterpretation, I see that both of you have experienced what I'm talking about.