Challenging myself

[Seymore]

No, quite the opposite. I had zero balances on my credit cards. The shopping went on the last two months so I'm almost done now. Have a couple more things I need to replace but they can wait.

 

BTW - will all be paid off by August, so not too bad...

 

I'm burning the crap out of mine once they're paid off. I think I've got a total of $1,000 left to pay off. In the last couple weeks I got hosed by my gas company and my phone company, and those mistakes on their part cost me almost $400 right there, so paying off the cards is going to take a little more time. Plus I NEED to get out of Dodge and take a vacation, just get the hell away from here.

[peterson5880]

I would like to join the challenge. I am day 8 of NC. I have told him everything I wanted him to know and know now I can't do anything else but move on. Yes I would hope to reconcile but that can't be my main focus.

 

Also yesterday I got a "friend suggestion" from a mutual friend of ours who knows what we're going through and she SUGGESTED I ADD MY EX as a FB friend. I immediately deleted it and then went through and deleted any mutal friends we have because I just don't want to see it. For now I am going to pretend he lives on another planet and I REFUSE to try and seek out info on him cause it only ends up hurting and I am tired of being in pain.

[chewy21]

Welcome peterson.

 

Getting rid of those reminders is a step in the right direction. And while I normally wouldn't suggest cutting ties with mutual friends, I see absolutely nothing wrong with it in this case. Of all people, your friends should understand what you're going through. If they're suggesting you add your ex as a friend, then they're either more worried about you two getting back together because it would make them feel better, or they were put up to it by your ex.

 

Either way, it's not positive for you right now. So I applaud you for doing what's best for you. Good luck with your challenge, and if you start to feel weak, just come here and post. We've got a nice little support group going here.

[jarias2311]

Guys does it get easier day by day with not looking at facebook? The longest I've gone is like 2-3 days n then I cave in when do you start to feel immune to wanting to look at their pages?

[chewy21]

You don't ever really feel "immune", it just becomes less of a habit after a while. The first day is usually not bad, because you're working off of that resolve. The second and third days are the worst in my opinion, because you start really wondering what they're up to and that resolve you had wears down in the face of your addiction to this other person. After about day 4 or 5, it gets a little easier, because you start becoming proud of yourself for staying strong. That's not to say it doesn't get hard still, though. Personally, I'm on Day 10 right now of NC, but I haven't watched any of my ex's YouTube videos in probably about 2 weeks+ (I think), and sometimes I still find myself wanting to sneak over and see what she's been up to, how different she looks, if she's made any mroe videos for this other guy, etc... You'll start losing track of the days, and you'll notice that when you think about going to visit their page, you'll also think about the fact that it will cause nothing but pain. It might take a few times of having to restart the challenge before you realize for yourself that it doesn't do any good to go back and look, but if that's what it takes, then that's what it takes.

[Seymore]

I think over enough time it just doesn't matter. I had looked back in February and it hurt, even though it was just a pic of her. Didn't look again, and then in May I was on Facebook trying to open a different account and when I typed her name in to add to my block list, her picture came up, which I didn't expect. That weakened me and I caved about a week after that. But if it weren't for that unexpected one, I doubt I'd have looked again. Next time you get the urge, distract yourself. Some people say count to 100 before doing anything, and by that time the urge will have subsided.

[COtuner]

I deleted all my ex's emails left in my work mailbox today. I kept running accross them when I would do a sort by name and decided they had to go.

[chewy21]

I deleted all my ex's emails left in my work mailbox today. I kept running accross them when I would do a sort by name and decided they had to go.

 

Way to go, CT.

[COtuner]

Way to go, CT.

 

It was one of those empowering moments

[Seymore]

I think I would delete my entire e-mail account over deleting my ex's e-mails. I don't read them, but there have to be literally thousands of e-mails from her. I would have to contact an administrator and have them delete them all or something, because there are far too many.

[COtuner]

This was at work, not home. Not so many - only a couple dozen left that hadn't already been automatically deleted by the system

[Effervescent]

I deleted my ex from FB and MSN today. All ties with him have been completely severed. The next step is to delete all of the text messages he sent me. Those will be the most painful. Since we were LD for a year, he sent me a text message every morning when he woke up and countless other ones throughout the day. Some of them were so beautiful. You know, sometimes I worry that I won't find someone better- just different. It feels like a zero-sum game. If he has something my ex lacks, then he lacks something my ex had. I'm worried I'll always be comparing and I don't want that. I know I'll never be happy, if I keep thinking like that. You guys with more experience, do you find that a problem?

[IntegrityGal]

Thank you!

[COtuner]

Cool, EFF. It's a step (so's the new avatar!). I haven't dumped the thousands of home emails yet - almost our entire relationship is laid out there since our primary form of communication was email. I could literally go back 4 years and find out what I had for dinner on a specific day. Not sure I'm ready to do that yet. They are filed away for now.

 

I only recently trashed printed emails and IMs from my first BF from 10-12 years ago. Not sure I've dumped all the ones from my 6 month relationship either - maybe I'll go look for those this weekend and kill them off.

[COtuner]

And no, I never compare one BF to another. Maybe because I go so long between them. Only time I think that's come up is when I tried to explain to my ex why something bothered me so much and I'd mention a previous ex.

[chewy21]

I'm having some rough thoughts at the moment. I started thinking about what I would do if she called me right now, or tomorrow, or anytime soon and wanted to get back together. See, this is what I do, I sit around and overthink.

 

Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't welcome her back with open arms. I came up with a few things that she would have to do for me first.

 

Since I'm sure she would blame her actions as of late on being depressed, and that being magnified by the breakup, I'd tell her that she has to trust me enough to know that I have her best interests at heart. She has to realize that I'm not out to change her to suit my wants and needs.

 

Secondly, she has to cut off all contact with her YouTube guy, and the guy we had all the problems about before (Brian, in case I ever wrote about him). It's as much a trust issue for me as it is a hindrance to her and her healing.

 

And lastly, she has to show me some positive proof that she's making an effort to get healthy. I'm tired of her just saying that she's doing all she can. I want to see it, because I rarely ever did when we were together.

 

Again, this is all hypothetical. I don't know what purpose it serves to think about it, but my mind went there, and I figured I'd post it here so we can all poke it with sticks.

 

... By that, I mean any comments are welcome. Analyze me and tell me what you think, because I'm in here, and the view doesn't change.

[COtuner]

Hmmm.... chewy I think it's progress on your part (I'm biased because this is similar to the prescription I gave my BF when he wanted to reconcile last year). Now how would you feel if she got together with the other guy physically? Would you still have the same feelings?

 

Also, what immediate future could you imagine if all of this happened. Can you visualize that or is it just a blank?

[chewy21]

Now how would you feel if she got together with the other guy physically? Would you still have the same feelings?

 

Yeah I would. I've been assuming this whole time that she's going to do it anyway. Whether it's before or after wouldn't really change anything, I don't think. Kinda like my mind's already dealt with the anger of her sleeping with him, even though she hasn't... if that makes any sense...

 

Also, what immediate future could you imagine if all of this happened. Can you visualize that or is it just a blank?

 

Immediate future? I guess we'd start calling one another every day, like we did when she moved back home last year. I'd probably make the effort to get down there and see her every weekend I could. And once I got my problems here taken care of and got enough money saved up, I'd ask her to move in with me again. Unless, of course, she started making progress on her depression at her parents' house. In that case I'd get a place by myself until she was ready to move.

 

I hope that's what you meant by immediate future.

[Seymore]

I've got about 4,500-5,000 e-mails from my ex. We'd e-mail back and forth from our works every day like crazy. They're interspersed with other e-mails from other people that I want to keep, so deleting them will take forever. Yahoo mail sucks - I think if you have over a certain amount of e-mails the search engine just takes a crap and says it can't find anything when it didn't even look. I typed my ex's name so that it would bring up all of her e-mails and it said it didn't find any. That's a load of bull. I'm not manually going through and deleting every one.

[chewy21]

I could send you a Gmail invite, Seymore. Been using it for about a year and a half now, and I have no complaints.

[Seymore]

Be honest with yourself. Do you really see all of that happening? I mean, you sound like a good guy that's worth it, but do you see HER making all of those changes, let alone anytime soon? I'm not saying she is or isn't, I'm just asking if YOU think so.

 

Because I do that every day - overthink. Is she getting help? Is she sticking with it? And for the longest time I said "I'm worth it. She'll do it, hopefully. She SAID she was LOOKING for help, but it's expensive. I hope she gets and sticks with it."

 

And as time went on, I had heard things like she was on meds. Don't know how - she has no insurance and very little money. Then I heard she was joining the service. I don't think they take unstable people, so then I'm overthinking that she quit the meds and wasn't getting help. Then I heard she's moving away.

 

THEN I thought back to the last time she saw a therapist and quit after 2 years, saying it was a waste of time and nothing had changed. She had actually quit a few weeks after our first breakup, which was over her anger problems. I thought about how she would start jobs and projects and just quit them.

 

Now I sit there and think - would she stick with therapy if she was getting it? Likely not. Not that I don't think she's capable, but if the past is any indication, she gave up trying to get me back months ago, probably, and likely quit whatever she was trying to do to get better. Plus the odds are high for people who start meds/therapy to not stick with it and work at it.

 

I truly, TRULY hope she does get better, whether she winds up with me or not, but I have to be honest with myself - the odds are really, really stacked against her.

 

 

 

Thanks chewy. I would just start a new Yahoo account probably though, and clean it out more often instead of letting things pile up...or actually FILE my e-mails. I take the blame for not being organized.

[chewy21]

Be honest with yourself. Do you really see all of that happening? I mean, you sound like a good guy that's worth it, but do you see HER making all of those changes, let alone anytime soon? I'm not saying she is or isn't, I'm just asking if YOU think so.

 

No, not really. Like I said, my mind just wandered there, and these were the things I came up with that I would have to see if I were ever to take her back. Whether or not it's likely or plausible is beside the point.

 

Something you said really hit home for me:

 

I thought about how she would start jobs and projects and just quit them.

 

Jessica could never hold down a job. They would all last about 4-6 months, and then she would just quit. Granted, they were crappy jobs, mostly food service, but I kept the same job at Pizza Hut for nearly four years during all of that.

 

Thanks chewy. I would just start a new Yahoo account probably though, and clean it out more often instead of letting things pile up...or actually FILE my e-mails. I take the blame for not being organized.

 

Okay. Just thought I'd offer to share.

 

Thanks, Seymore. I really appreciate how frank and direct your replies are.

[COtuner]

Immediate future? I guess we'd start calling one another every day, like we did when she moved back home last year. I'd probably make the effort to get down there and see her every weekend I could. And once I got my problems here taken care of and got enough money saved up, I'd ask her to move in with me again. Unless, of course, she started making progress on her depression at her parents' house. In that case I'd get a place by myself until she was ready to move.

 

I hope that's what you meant by immediate future.

 

See what's missing there? Nothing concrete. Just get life back to normal.

[Seymore]

I don't mean to come off as a jerk - like I said, the answer could have been yes or no and I wouldn't judge, because what you believe is best for you differs from person to person. But I DEFINITELY sit and overthink - sometimes for over an hour at night. I sit there talking with myself - I will literally sit on my balcony, imagine me sitting next to myself and ask questions, and ask them honestly. I hate the answer. I wish to God that she would get better and even if it took 4-5 years, she shows up at my doorstep. I wish to God that would happen. I don't have much of a self-esteem, but the way I treated her I truly believe I am worth coming back to. But, that's all it is right now - a dream. And it's awesome for me to be able to have that dream. I will never lose hope 100%. But it can't cloud my reality.

 

About the starting and stopping you had mentioned with Jessica, my ex walked off her favorite job after about 3 months, because she blatantly didn't do the task her boss asked her to. She thought there was something else more important and did that. Her boss got aggravated and chewed her out a little. My ex got super pissed and her boss said she was acting like a child, so my ex walked off the job right there. Not even thinking. Her emotions drove every aspect of her life, with no rational thought attached.

 

Again - your story is different, and your reality may be different, and I'm not trying to judge - just wanted to ask the questions that I asked myself which made me think.

[chewy21]

No, Seymore, I didn't see what you said in a negative way at all. And honestly, it sounds like we're in the same place: hoping they get better, but not allowing that hope to control how we live.

 

A child... yeah, she was very childish at times. So much so that I almost felt like her dad occasionally.