Challenging myself

[COtuner]

Update.... the "ceremonial" cutting of the hair took place this morning. Cut about 4 inches off the length of my hair and modified the style a bit. My ex always wanted me to keep my hair as long as possible, and it was down to the middle of my back, but you know, he ain't around anymore!!! Screw him!

 

My hair is now down to the bottom of my shoulderblades or maybe just a touch higher than that (1/4 inch). Feels better, probably looks better, and psychologically it feels like another piece of cleansing of him from my life. I grew all that length during the course of our relationship.

[Seymore]

Update.... the "ceremonial" cutting of the hair took place this morning. Cut about 4 inches off the length of my hair and modified the style a bit. My ex always wanted me to keep my hair as long as possible, and it was down to the middle of my back, but you know, he ain't around anymore!!! Screw him!

 

My hair is now down to the bottom of my shoulderblades or maybe just a touch higher than that (1/4 inch). Feels better, probably looks better, and psychologically it feels like another piece of cleansing of him from my life. I grew all that length during the course of our relationship.

 

Felt good, didn't it? I grew a beard after my breakup. My ex wanted my goatee just the way it was. Last week I shaved it all off.

[COtuner]

Yes, it felt really good. And my stylist was thrilled to see me healing. She's watched me go through so much pain the last couple of years.

[COtuner]

Theory of a Deadman's "Not Meant To Be" is on the playlist today.... I suspect my ex and I both could hear the lyrics and apply it to the other.

 

 

It's never enough to say I'm sorry

It's never enough to say I care

But I'm caught between what you

Wanted from me, and knowing

If I give that to ya

I might just disappear.

 

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

 

Oh, it's like

 

One step forward and two steps back

No matter what I do you're always mad

And I can't change your mind,

 

Oh, it's like

 

Trying to turn around on a one way street

I can't give you what you want

And it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see

Maybe we're not meant to be

 

It's never enough to say I love you

No, it's never enough to say I try

It's hard to believe that's there's

No way out for you and me

And it seems to be,

The story of our life

 

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

 

It's like one step forward and two steps back

No matter what I do you're always mad

And I can't change your mind, oh

 

It's like trying to turn around on a

One way street. I can't give

You what you want and it's killing me

And I, I'm starting to see

That maybe we're not meant to be

 

There's still time to turn this around

Should we be building this up

Instead of tearing it down

But I keep thinking

Maybe it's too late.

 

It's like one step forward

And two steps back,

No matter what I do

You're always mad

And I, can't change your mind, oh

 

It's like tryin to turn around

On a one way street

I can't give you what you want

And it's killing me and I,

I finally see,

Baby we're not meant to be

 

It's like one step forward,

And two steps back,

No matter what I do

You're always mad,

And I, Baby I'm sorry to see,

Maybe we're not meant to be

[COtuner]

.....And it's after 5 pm and I crashed back down from my respite today. Back to feeling alone and actually a bit afraid. Going to try and spend tonight in front of the tv - haven't watched anything all week so maybe I can deactivate my brain enough to focus on that for a few hours until bedtime.

 

I hope everyone else is doing ok (Eff? How are you holding up today?)

[COtuner]

Guess I'm out of this thread -

 

I'm going to go cry now. Good luck to everyone on their challenges. I know you've all had a tough week. I've got the mental image from "Kung Fu" in my head of one person walking alone down the road as being my future.

[chewy21]

Hey CT,

 

Just got back from my vacation and dropping off Jessica's things.

 

It was good to read your post about you cutting your hair. I'm glad you've started making some changes for you.

 

Your next couple of posts weren't as happy... but that's what we're here for- to support one another. That image from Kung Fu feels like what your life will be like right now, but I promise you, I can tell from the way you post here that you're an awesome person who is genuine, thoughtful, and considerate. Those kind of people don't stay on the market very long. Once you've gotten your feet back under you and moved on past the pain of all this, you'll start to attract other good people who will be more supportive of you and care for you the way you deserve to be cared for.

 

You've been an inspiration to me in my time here, and I thank you for that. I'm sorry you won't be posting on this thread anymore, because some of the dynamic is certainly lost in your absence.

 

But I'm sure I'll see you around. I'm still on here several times a day reading everything I can to make me feel normal. Hope you feel better soon, and if there's anything I can do, let me know.

[COtuner]

Thank you, chewy. Very kind of you, and I'm always here if you want to chat or vent. Even if you just need an ear and no response - just say so and I'll just read and offer a shoulder.

 

I am simply feeling hurt, unwanted, alone and very angry today. I have zero urge to contact him, there is very little chance I'll actually ever run into him.

 

The Kung Fu image has been my life to date, I'm a hobo, I guess. It's all I know. Moving from place to place, life to life, job to job, and on rare occasions I try a relationship and give a normal life a shot. Maybe I'd be more successful if I picked the guys I tried to be with instead of letting them choose me...

[Seymore]

So much for the challenge. I looked at the ex's Facebook picture again. I sat there for about 10 minutes analyzing it. It seems the more I look at it, the less I feel. I look at the picture and say "She's not that great looking". After that, I actually went through our old photos for the first time since the breakup. I don't know if I'm numb or if it's the mood I'm in (I've been in a fog all day long) or what, but I didn't really feel much.

 

Some of those photos of us I looked at and said "That was SO great. Why couldn't she be the way she was on that day more often? I want that again...with HER. But that was one of our best times and those were so few and far between." And some she looked so gorgeous, and WE looked perfect. Others I'd say "I remember that night - she had an attitude all night, got drunk and passed out on the way home after slurring about about what great sex we were going to have".

[chewy21]

Sounds like you got some perspective by looking through them this time. How are you now?

[Seymore]

I don't know. Part of me feels like I just don't care as much now, but the other part is still hanging on to the past, thinking she'll change and we'll be together again. I walked to McDonalds and came back an hour and a half ago, didn't eat any of it because I wasn't hungry. Now I actually feel like eating.

[chewy21]

I do the same thing, can't decide if I'm moving on or waiting. It's confusing to feel so empowered and full of energy for myself one minute, and so down and powerless the next.

 

I'd say give it a little more time. Try and go a week without looking at any of her pictures. If you really wanna look after a week, then look. If you don't, go another week.

 

Day 3 for me by the way, since Jessica wasn't even awake when I took her stuff to her mom's house... figures.

[Seymore]

Do you have any more of her stuff?

[chewy21]

Strangely, I do. I got back and realized I forgot to pack her beanbag chair. It's not a big deal though, and I won't let it become a reason that I have to see her again. I'd throw it in the garbage before I let that happen, and if that bothered me, I'd just send her $20 to get a new one.

 

I'm done with this. I have to be.

[Seymore]

Yeah, it'd save you a bit of pain. I don't know if I'm repeating myself, but that was my case. She got her stuff while I was gone, then she'd e-mail saying "I forgot this and that." So I'd box it up and leave in her lobby. Then another e-mail "You still have this other stuff". So I bring THAT stuff and drop it in her lobby. A month later her sister leaves me a message (because I'd blocked her number by that time): "You still have the parking sticker for her apartment." Eventually it became ridiculous. I told her I'd send her the money if it was that big a deal, but I threw it out a long time ago.

[chewy21]

I feel for you, that really must have sucked.

 

But I can't really see that happening with her. She didn't care about getting her stuff back. None of it was terribly important. She never contacted me about making arrangements to exchange things; it was all me. I didn't like knowing that I still had to see her again, so I set it up where I could bring it to her and get it over with. She couldn't have cared less.

 

I may hang on to the beanbag. It's not a terribly strong reminder of her. But if it gets to be a hassle, I have no qualms with trashing it and paying her for it. If she wants it back, she can come get it... while I'm asleep.

 

Thanks for the concern though, I appreciate it.

[Seymore]

So is this it, then? Are the ties broken with no reason for you to run into each other?

[chewy21]

I certainly hope so.

 

She lives 3 hours from me in a town that I have no reason to visit. I've blocked her on YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook. If she wants to get in contact with me, she has my number. I'm still open to talking with her if she decides to fight her depression and needs my help with that... but that's all it would be: me helping her with a problem. There will be no pretense of a romantic involvement.

 

The only way I would consider taking her back at this point is if she get healthy and proves to me that I can trust her again. So time will tell, but I'm not going to waste time waiting for something that may never happen.

[Seymore]

Good man. It's tough because you wonder if they WILL change. I wonder that all the time. I went over the e-mails from my ex after the breakup saying how she's dying inside, apologizing for everything, I read the e-mail she sent to my mom when I wouldn't respond, taking full responsibility and talking about seeking help. And I just wonder.

[chewy21]

And I just wonder.

 

That's really all you can do, man. Until you see proof, that is.

 

If I never see her or hear from her again, then I'll wonder how she's getting along with her depression for the rest of my life.

[chewy21]

Day 4 of NC. The outlook is good, since I have no valid reason to contact her again.

 

However, I was really tempted when I sat down just a few minutes ago to check her YouTube channel. I talked myself out of it, saying that if she had soemthing she wanted me to know, then she has my number.

 

I'm counting any visits to her social sites as contact as well, and if I slip up and visit one, then it's back to Day 1.

 

How is everyone else doing today?

[Effervescent]

Hi Chewy! Hi everyone! How is everyone doing? I hope things are going ok. I have some crazy news. I am over my ex. Yeah, you read that right. I am over him. Something just hit me on Saturday that made me realize I don't love him anymore. I woke up Sunday morning and I didn't think about him at all. I was shocked. It was the first morning since the breakup that I didn't wake up thinking about my ex. Then, for the rest of the day, my ex only popped into my mind a handful of times, but it was only when something triggered a memory. I don't feel sad anymore. I don't miss him anymore. Sadly, I don't give a crap about him anymore. He's completely out of my life and he has nothing to do with me anymore. His friends have been telling me stuff about him, but I didn't care. I felt nothing, when I heard them talk about him. NOTHING. I feel so free!

 

If you guys haven't read it yet, I'd suggest going to this blog: link removed

 

I purchased her book last week and I read it in one sitting. It made me feel a lot better. If you guys aren't already doing it, I'd suggest you start journalling. Just write down anything and everything that comes to mind. That really helped me sort out my feelings. I was in the middle of writing an entry, when my revelation hit me and I kept writing about it. When I had finished, I realized that I didn't love my ex anymore. Everything just clicked for me at that moment. I was a little sad, when I re-read the entry, but the next morning I woke up and I felt like a brand new person. The sun was shining and I felt like life had started all over again.

 

I guess all the hardwork I had been doing the last few weeks finally paid off. I've been completely NC with my ex since the breakup and that has really helped me a lot. I've made a brand new life for myself. I've been exercising and eating right. I've been taking new classes and making new friends. I've lost 15lbs in the last few weeks. I feel great. It almost makes me grateful that my breakup happened. I'm living life better, than I ever did with my ex. I debated about whether or not to share this with you guys, because I don't know if it would make you happy or sad. However, I decided to, because I wanted to show that, if you do the work, you WILL move on. Don't get me wrong, he did pop into my head once or twice today, but I didn't get that feeling of pain or saddness that always accompanies it anymore. I know the memories will go away with time. Right now I have 100% accepted that the relationship is over for good and that I will never see my ex again. I have also realized that my ex was never "the one", and that we would not have been happy, if we had stayed together. This breakup was for the best. He had too many issues that would've prevented us from having a happy healthy relationship. I think that is what has helped me move on. I no longer doubt that the breakup was for the best and I no longer have any hope or desire to reconcile.

 

It's definitely a sharp contrast to what I was feeling even only a few days ago, but I've been working VERY hard to pull myself through this. Try to keep positive and live your life to the best of your abilities one day at a time. That is the only thing we can do to help ourselves.

 

I will definitely still visit, so don't worry about me leaving. I'm just going to refrain from reading ALL the threads in this forum (like I use to) for a while. I will still continue to visit this thread and any other ones that you guys start. I'm still here for you, so don't be a stranger!

[chewy21]

I'm really happy for you, Eff, that's fantastic news. I'm really proud of everything you've done for yourself.

 

Also, I'll definitely check out the blog and the book you mentioned. With results like yours, who wouldn't?

 

In a way, I'm glad you'll be visiting less. It's not because I won't miss your company... because I absolutely will. I'm just glad that you've moved forward enough to not feel so dependent on the discourse here. That should be the goal of everyone who posts here after their breakups.

 

In the spirit of good news, I was finally able to immerse my self in a game today. Didn't think about her once while I was playing. It's not as sudden and intense as yours, Eff, but I'm getting there too.

 

Also, I don't wanna rain on your parade, but as awesome as you're feeling today, you may still be prone to backslides and bad days every now and then. But no worries, because we'll still be here to pick you right back up.

 

Again, I'm so happy for you, Eff. You've been through hell and back to get where you are now, and you should be proud.

 

Day 5 starts tomorrow morning!

[Effervescent]

I'm glad to hear you're making progress too. I still miss having the companionship once in a while, but I don't miss my ex anymore. If anything, I realized I would be more annoyed, if he were around. I do think back to the relationship from time to time and I may feel a tinge of resentment for what happened near the end, but it passes really quickly. I just tell myself that it's over and I shouldn't dwell on it. The random memories will fade soon.

 

Games are a very good way to get your mind off the ex. I've been playing my Wii quite a bit. Plus, I've been doing A LOT of exercising and reading. The exercising makes you feel good and when you start looking good, you realize that it doesn't matter that your ex doesn't want you. I've learned that the BEST revenge is to live better than our ex. I'm out enjoying life and living better without him, while he's sitting at home or in a room full of people "chanting". His life is going down the drain, while mine keeps getting better. It will get better guys. Remember to stay NC.

[Seymore]

Games are a very good way to get your mind off the ex. I've been playing my Wii quite a bit.

 

I played all the way through 4 PS3 games in the last 2 weeks. That's how well games work. It's like being in another place and time. I'm all out of games now. Might go look for a new one after work today.