Challenging myself

[chewy21]

Just realized that my one-week milestone came and went without me knowing, since I thought yesterday was Day 6. I went back and checked, and yesterday was actually Day 7. So I'm on Day 8, and a week of NC is in the books.

 

I'm feeling pretty good today. I feel like I could take the world on. So if you guys need anything, I'm here.

[Seymore]

Like I told Lauren.Xo, there are times where you say to yourself "Crap! Where'd the days go? I lost count!"

 

Keep at it, man. Do the best you can to take a snapshot of that feeling and delay it as long as possible. Like smelling a flower. Inhale it as slowly and deeply as possible.

[Seymore]

Had a little 'slip'. Very small, though. It's storming like crazy by me, and I'm at work. I stood by the window wondering if she was seeing the same lightning flashes and hearing the same thunder crashes as I was. She's only a couple miles away.

 

No more thinking. Work time.

[Effervescent]

I lost count after the third week. I have no idea what day it is anymore. My ex's birthday is this Sunday. I've been feeling a little anxious about it. I think I'm trying my best not to hear about any parties that he may be having. I've thrown his birthday party for three years in a row now. I guess I just feel a little weird, because it use to be a significant day for me. I'm actually lucky this year, because it's Father's Day, so I can focus on that instead. I guess I'm feeling a little jealous, because I know I won't have many people to celebrate my birthday with this year, because I'll be in a brand new city. Secretly, I was hoping that none of his friends would celebrate with him, and it'd just be his cult members, but I don't think it's that bad yet . . .

 

While I don't miss my ex, I miss having a relationship. I miss having someone I could talk to at anytime for whatever reason. I miss having someone hold me while I sleep at night. I know that isn't healthy. I should learn to be happy by myself first. I shouldn't need that emotional attachment that I crave. Easier said than done, right? lol

[Effervescent]

I picked it up and got through the first chapter. I can see that I may have my own issues, but she seems to suggest that you are equally as messed up as your ex was. I really don't see that. Nonetheless, it's a good book.

 

I personally agree with her. I think we're all messed up in our own ways. If I didn't have issues, I wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with someone like my ex for so long. If you didn't have issues, you wouldn't still be so hung up on your ex. I think the key is that we just don't have the SAME issues. It's the discovery of HOW we're messed up that leads us to fixing them, which leads to us finding healthy relationships. I have no doubt in my mind that my relationship wasn't a healthy one. I stayed, because I loved him- or at least I thought what I was feeling was love. No matter how I slice my relationship, the end was inevitable, unless we both changed dramatically. So no matter what, the old relationship that I had with my ex had to end.

[Seymore]

Oh, I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, but EQUALLY screwed up? I find that extremely hard to believe. I do have my issues, but I don't quite understand the notion of how I can have as many issues as someone who was continually abused throughout their childhood.

[Effervescent]

Oh, I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, but EQUALLY screwed up? I find that extremely hard to believe. I do have my issues, but I don't quite understand the notion of how I can have as many issues as someone who was continually abused throughout their childhood.

 

lol, yeah, ok. I agree with that. EQUALLY as screwed would not be accurate. I don't think we're as screwed as our exes are. Mine joined a cult, so I think he wins in that category. :splat:

[Effervescent]

I need to stay off Facebook until this weekend passes. I don't want to see all the birthday wishes my ex will be getting. I'm happy I've healed enough that I don't want to send him anything for his birthday, but I just want to keep him out of sight and out of mind. Looks like I'm gonna be at hot yoga the entire weekend. I want to look smoking hot, but I've been falling off the bandwagon the last few days, so I might as well immerse myself in that this weekend. Hope everyone else is doing well. Virtual hugs to everyone!

[Seymore]

That's what I mean. From this book so far, I've learned that I tend to do things to please my father, because it was how I got the most attention from him. I would do something like get a new cell phone and show it to him. He'd say something like "They're still using Windows?" or something. And something inside of me felt I let him down. That's not an actual example, but close - went all the way back to early on in school. I'd get a B - "that's nice, now get an A" Ok, I got an A- - "It'd be better if it was an A+".

 

But to think I'm just as messed up as someone with a anger problem and personality disorder is kinda pushing it. Hugs back, Eff...be strong!

[thorpe]

I am thinking about going up for a drive in the mountains this weekend (a favorite summertime activity), but for the first time in my life, I'm conscious of being alone in isolated areas. I guess it's the end of the relationship affecting me. Hopefully that will pass as I heal - I've never really thought about those things in my life before.

 

My divorce gave me the freedom and perspective to do lots of things. I ride my bike in the mountains and love being alone in isolated areas even though I think of the ex, particularly when I see an awesome sight and get the bitter sweet feeling of wanting to share it with her. Next year I'm taking off accross the country, 2 months carrying everything I need to survive on the back of my bike, complete independence. The divorce also made me very fatalistic, basically it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, even worse than the death of my father as that was natural and inevitable, so now nothing can phase me and nothing worries me anymore.

[Effervescent]

I'm like you too. I'm a parent-pleaser. I never felt good enough for them. I just wanted to make them proud. Back in high school I would get 95% on most of my courses and they would ask me what happened to the other 5%? I was so hell bent on pleasing them that my final year of high school, I managed to get two 100% on my final report card and I graduated at the top of my class. I'm not blaming my parents, but a lot of my issues stem from them and their emotional unavailability. That's one of the reasons why I stayed in my relationship for so long. I felt loved and I had never felt that feeling before. I knew my ex wasn't right for me and I knew that he had issues, but I was so addicted to that feeling. I know better now.

 

All I have to do is make it past this weekend and I'll know once and for all that I'm completely 100% done with my ex. I sorted through all of the things that he gave me yesterday and boxed it all up. I'm currently printing out all the e-mails he sent me and I'm burning all of our photos onto a CD and throwing it into the box. There will not be any traces of my ex left after this weekend. I bought a new journal a few days ago and I promised myself that I will start writing in it, when I'm sure that there will not be any mentions of my ex at all. Hopefully, that will be Monday!!!

[COtuner]

Quick update to give folks courage - my day turned around and has been great. All kinds of good things happening today because I gave the day a chance - even had a wish come true. Well, not completely true, but some of it did and I wasn't ever expecting any of it, so hey, I'll take it.

 

Now to stay busy through the weekend so I don't relapse too badly..... I have to deep clean the house which will be a MAJOR effort. I'm riding on workout indusced endorphins right now, and I'll crash soon, but for now it's a great improvement on this morning.

[COtuner]

That's what I mean. From this book so far, I've learned that I tend to do things to please my father, because it was how I got the most attention from him. I would do something like get a new cell phone and show it to him. He'd say something like "They're still using Windows?" or something. And something inside of me felt I let him down. That's not an actual example, but close - went all the way back to early on in school. I'd get a B - "that's nice, now get an A" Ok, I got an A- - "It'd be better if it was an A+".

 

But to think I'm just as messed up as someone with a anger problem and personality disorder is kinda pushing it. Hugs back, Eff...be strong!

 

Yep, both my parents were like that. I know very well I've been out to outdo my dad pretty much in everything my whole life. He is responsible for my perfectionist and competitive tendencies, my mother is 100% to blame for my self esteem issues, although now she tells me in her lucid moments that she wished she had been able to be like me... so you can over come it. Takes effort, but you can

[chewy21]

I'm glad you're feeling better, CT. When you do crash, don't let it be a negative. Just take some time to relax and entertain yourself with something you enjoy. Movie, music, TV, video game... just relax and reflect on the good day that you had.

 

And know you made my day better by letting me know yours was so great.

[Seymore]

Yep, both my parents were like that. I know very well I've been out to outdo my dad pretty much in everything my whole life. He is responsible for my perfectionist and competitive tendencies, my mother is 100% to blame for my self esteem issues, although now she tells me in her lucid moments that she wished she had been able to be like me... so you can over come it. Takes effort, but you can

 

Thanks, CT. I'm glad you had a good day today. When you've had such a rough patch, you're thankful for five minutes of happiness and try to drag it out as long as you can. So it's definitely a thankful moment to have for you, I'm sure.

 

That's part of the reason I don't want to go to the restaurant (that my ex now works at again). My dad keeps acting like I'm weak, but I have to look out for ME and not "please him" by appearing strong. I need to make that change. There are many things about my dad I've tried hard to not be, like a male chauvanist. If a guy loses an interview to a girl, my dad immediately assumes "the place is run by a female". It took work and I still bite my tongue from time to time, but I've overcome that state of mind.

 

My mom I can only blame for saying yes all the time - I know that's where I get that from.

[COtuner]

My divorce gave me the freedom and perspective to do lots of things. I ride my bike in the mountains and love being alone in isolated areas even though I think of the ex, particularly when I see an awesome sight and get the bitter sweet feeling of wanting to share it with her. Next year I'm taking off accross the country, 2 months carrying everything I need to survive on the back of my bike, complete independence. The divorce also made me very fatalistic, basically it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, even worse than the death of my father as that was natural and inevitable, so now nothing can phase me and nothing worries me anymore.

 

Good and bad in that post.... I myself have been alone most of my life, so it ought to be reverting back to "normal" for me (especially since my ex was invisible through most of the relationship) but it's the loss of that emotional and mental bond that I am feeling. Plus maybe a bit too much awareness that crime has come to the Rockies, sigh... sad.

 

Like you, I'm setting out to do things I've always put off for one reason or another. I'd like to hike accross Colorado someday. I might try hang gliding. I am going to learn to waterski this summer. My ex taught me one thing - waiting for someone else to do it with you doesn't mean they will want to try themselves or even let you do it.

[COtuner]

I'm glad you're feeling better, CT. When you do crash, don't let it be a negative. Just take some time to relax and entertain yourself with something you enjoy. Movie, music, TV, video game... just relax and reflect on the good day that you had.

 

And know you made my day better by letting me know yours was so great.

 

I hope so... it's a temporary high, I know, but it's a victory to be able to feel it. I hope it's your turn soon

[Effervescent]

My mood is crashing . . . I'm feeling so lazy and lethargic. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I was going to go to hot yoga tonight, but I don't feel like getting off my butt. This is not good. At the rate I'm going, I'm going to crash and burn. *sigh* I don't even know what's wrong anymore. I feel like crawling into bed and just sleeping the day away.

[Effervescent]

Ok, I'm going to remove myself now. I'm starting to be negative. That's not good. I'm glad you're feeling better CT. I hope everyone else starts to feel better as well. I'm going to whack myself in the head a few times to get myself out of this rut. Take care guys! Hugs!

[COtuner]

Ok, I'm going to remove myself now. I'm starting to be negative. That's not good. I'm glad you're feeling better CT. I hope everyone else starts to feel better as well. I'm going to whack myself in the head a few times to get myself out of this rut. Take care guys! Hugs!

 

NO, don't remove yourself. Being negative on here is ok, you need to get it out so you don't dwell. Stick around Eff, I have to get back to work anyway

[chewy21]

Hey Eff!

 

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. It's bound to happen every now and then, but I think the worst thing to do is try and ignore it. Get to the bottom of what, in particular, is bringing you down right now and we'll help you find a way around it. It might just be something that needs to be talked through.

 

I'm with CT, don't remove yourself. We're all here to help each other, and we're pulling for you. If we all collapsed every time someone posted something negative, then we'd all be wallowing in agony, each as guilty of causing it as the next. Don't worry about it, because we can handle it and hopefully help you get back on your feet.

[Seymore]

Stick around Eff...it's not always going to be chocolate-covered puppies on here. There's GOING to be negativity from every one of us at some point.

 

Did pretty well today. My mantra is working. I say it to myself even when I'm NOT thinking of her, and I haven't thought of her that much, just maybe had her in the back of my mind. My friend told me today that according to my ex's Facebook page, she's either moving or has moved 30 miles away - to an area I've never been and never plan on being. I'm relieved to hear that.

[COtuner]

Glad you're doing better today, Seymore.... you deserve a break. I hope you have good plans this weekend (that's when it gets more challenging for me - too much time to think)

[Effervescent]

God, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't miss the ex. I really don't, but I know I'm missing something. I know part of my anxiety is because of his birthday this weekend. I am trying my hardest to stay off FB right now, because I don't want to see people wishing him a happy birthday or find out about his birthday plans. I think I'm just feeling left out. Usually, all of our friends get together during birthdays, so I hate the fact that I won't be involved this time. The other thing is that I wish people would see how messed up he has become and stay away from him. I just feel like he's getting away with all the crap he's pulled and there hasn't been any consequences at all. It seems so unfair to me.

 

I'm also feeling really lonely these days. I hate the loneliness. I feel like no one cares about me. I feel so disconnected from everyone. Outside of work, I only see my family. My friends have been really busy lately and all my close friends are not in the city right now. I just wish I had a friend that I could call up and go see a movie with. I'm really missing my social life. It just seems so unfair that my ex is hanging out with his cult buddies feeling all validated and supported, while I'm struggling all by myself. I hate the fact that I'm feeling lonely, while he's not.

 

This has nothing to do with my ex really. I think I'm just frustrated at how my life is at the moment. I need to change it. I never realized how bad it was until my relationship ended. I really need to overhaul my life, but everything seems so difficult right now. I was so motivated a few weeks ago, because I wanted to live better, than my ex. Now that I don't give a crap about him anymore . . . it seems that I'm all out of steam. Anger was a really good motivator.

[chewy21]

I agree, Eff. When I was dealing with the anger, it helped me to make some of the better decisions I've made since the breakup (this thread being a prime example). Since then I've only had one MAJOR backslide; the thread where I talk about doing whatever it takes to get her back. So all in all the anger has helped me, but it's a necessary stage of healing, and it has to pass. You sound like you're moving forward to the next stage. This might be acceptance for you, because I know that not everyone goes through all the same stages, or even in the same order.

 

I'm glad you were able to identify what was causing you the stress. And I can totally relate - I have no social life anymore. I live with my mom and her husband in the middle of nowhere. I do paperwork for his business in this house all day, with only their dog to keep me company. I can't drive anywhere at the moment, so at night and on the weekends, I just retreat back here to my bedroom and distract myself until I fall asleep, wake up, and do it again. Actually, the closest thing I have to a social life at the moment is what I'm doing on here.

 

If you have the option, I'd say just go out somewhere you don't normally go. Change up your routine a bit and see if you can meet some new people. I know that's what I'd be doing if I wasn't stuck here.

 

The birthday issue seems like something important to you. I'm sorry for the turmoil it's causing, and I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I think you're going about it the right way. Just ignore the event as much as possible. Try and keep conversations with friends of yours who might be attending to a minimum. Make some plans of your own for that day so that you have something else to look forward to, even if it's a simple as trying a new restaurant or going for a jog or a bike ride in the park. Just something to make the day noteworthy for you other than his birthday.

 

And remember, once his friends see for themselves how truly immersed he's become in this cult, they will either try and slap some sense into him, or they won't want anything to do with him. Fanatically religious people have the ability to drive away people without even meaning to, because everything relates back to how superior their way of thinking is. It gets old fast.

 

So I'm sorry you're feeling down, Eff. I hope something I said makes you feel a little better, and if you ever need anything or just wanna talk, you can always either post here or PM me.

 

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day for you, and for us all. Stay strong guys!