Challenging myself

[COtuner]

I played all the way through 4 PS3 games in the last 2 weeks. That's how well games work. It's like being in another place and time. I'm all out of games now. Might go look for a new one after work today.

 

I envy you for having so much time to do that I have a PS2 and have played it twice in 6 years.

[chewy21]

Day 5 is in the books... looking forward to Day 6 tomorrow.

 

Found myself not thinking about her as much today. I guess it really did help quite a bit to know that I'm not required to see her again.

 

I do still miss her, though. I think that if that goes away at all, it will be much later. Despite that, I haven't felt particularly weak at any point today. There's a twinge every time I start up my browser to navigate on over to YouTube and see what she's been up to. But then I start thinking about what I might find there: either more of the same avoidant and pointless info that her videos are full of, or something "sweet" to her internet boyfriend. Either would just set me back.

 

Since I got back Sunday, I've found myself wishing that we hadn't ended so badly. I mean, it wasn't terrible, but there were definitely rough spots. I don't know if it's me moving on and wanting to be her friend again eventually, or if it's because I'm afraid of what she might think of me because of all the things we said and did to each other since the breakup. She was the only one whose opinion about me mattered, and I guess she still might be. Need to work on that, I guess.

 

How is everyone else? I'm not even sure how many people are still doing their challenges. I think I'm going to add another challenge to the list, but I need a few days to make sure I'm going to stick to this one before I pile any more on. I'm just eager to get my life going in a positive direction, I guess.

 

Hope the rest of you are staying strong and keeping yourselves honest. Happy healing!

[Seymore]

I envy you for having so much time to do that I have a PS2 and have played it twice in 6 years.

 

I just haven't had the energy to do much else (aside from visiting family and going for walks) after getting home from work.

 

Good job on stopping yourself, chewy! Don't go over things too much in your head. I know you'll have wonders and questions, but 5 days is a good start!

[COtuner]

chewy, you are in about the same stage of grieving I am. Bouncing between anger, hurt, and wishing I could at least make him understand the truth because I hate looking back forever and having these awful memories of the end.

 

Then I remember that relationships rarely end in a good way, and most of us are mature enough that when we heal a bit, realize that things were said 'n' done in the heat of anger, sadness, frustration, etc and we can put that in perspective.

[chewy21]

Good job on stopping yourself, chewy! Don't go over things too much in your head. I know you'll have wonders and questions, but 5 days is a good start!

 

Thanks Seymore. Even though she was the first thought in my head when I woke up this morning (as usual), it wasn't anything necessarily negative. It was more like "I made it through another night without her."

 

Also, last night was the first night I got to sleep without having one of my breakup movies on in the background. Well, not counting the night I spent at the hotel Saturday... but I was a little drunk then, and Top Gun was on the TV in the room. So I figured I'd try just music last night. I'm not one for changing it up too much if something works, so I put on the Top Gun soundtrack. Guess it did the trick.

 

chewy, you are in about the same stage of grieving I am. Bouncing between anger, hurt, and wishing I could at least make him understand the truth because I hate looking back forever and having these awful memories of the end.

 

Then I remember that relationships rarely end in a good way, and most of us are mature enough that when we heal a bit, realize that things were said 'n' done in the heat of anger, sadness, frustration, etc and we can put that in perspective.

 

You're right, CT. I actually typed out an apology letter yesterday (not to send, of course... well, not anytime soon anyway). Just said that I was sorry for my part in making this breakup uglier than it had to be, and reassuring her that I only wanted what was best and for her to be happy. I mean, after everything that's happened, nothing has changed my good will toward her. I'm not so blinded by pain that I can't wish for the best for the woman I shared my life with... even if she may no longer be that same woman.

 

It's a little sad to think about her changing like that, so I'm gonna stop now.

[Seymore]

I still think of my ex first thing in the morning, many times. I wish the best for her too, which is part of the reason I ended it, but I wouldn't write her a letter telling her that. I'd like to, but that would open communication and the idea of her changing anytime soon is a fairytale more than anything, so communication's not a good idea for me.

 

Imagining that someone's changing is usually a daydream. It can hold you back tremendously. It's hard not to think about, though. But it's like wishing on a star. It's baloney.

[Beeotch]

Yes that is the best thing to do...stop being a masochist.

 

We know certain things are going to make us upset but we still venture into them anyway...I vowed to stop and I have stopped and trust me it feels GREAT!

 

I used to feel anxiety about going to certain social networking sites as I was scared to see something from my ex that would piss me off (him making a reference to me that was uncaring, or referencing his happiness or some such thing) or I would be expecting some acknowledgment of his wrongs or unhappiness etc. And generally I saw more things that pissed me off than not.

 

Now that I have deleted him off everything when i get ready to check I feel a tad anxious then I remember that wait...even if I WANT to know...I can't. It is such a relief. I have no clue what he is doing, whom he is doing it with etc and it is very freeing.

 

He texted me...with something that pissed me off and it feels GREAT that I didn't respond because my response would have resulted in conflict and me feeling bad. Part of me wanted to reply but I am much more content with my decision not to as I feel like I am maintaining control.

 

Good luck!

[chewy21]

I hear you, Seymore. I'm not so much hung up on wishing that she would change for the better anymore, I'm just so disoriented and confused that she seems to have changed for the worse. I mean, I don't expect to be treated like we're in a relationship anymore, but in my dealings with her since the breakup, I've always made a point to open communications with her respectfully and in a civil manner. She, on the other hand, has either been dismissive or outright petty and cruel. All that, plus the changes I saw in her videos when I was still watching them, makes me wonder what happened to the awesome woman I fell in love with. And yeah, that still messes with me a bit.

 

It's funny you should mention masochism, B. I've kept my breakup journal in an online blog (aside from the latest few entries- just haven't felt like posting them yet), and there's an entry where I talk about becoming aware of what I'm doing to myself through my maintained hope and wishful thinking. I call myself an "emotional masochist" in the entry, and it's even titled "Mental Chains and Whips". There's a link in my profile if you wanna read it.

 

But yeah, that's what this thread was all about- her YouTube videos caused me pain every time I watched them. I knew they would before I even did it, and I've vowed to stop watching them. I've also taken it a step further and blocked her on YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook. It feels good to know that if she needs to contact me, she won't get the chance to be as cold and impersonal as she can be over e-mail, as she'll have to call me to get in touch.

[COtuner]

How's everyone doing this evening? I was thinking of y'all so wanted to check on you.

[chewy21]

I'm doing pretty well, actually. My mother and I just finished a movie, and my stepdad is out of town for the night. It was nice to spend some time with just her for a change.

 

How are you, CT?

[COtuner]

Good that you're doing ok. I've become numb. Zero emotion of any sort, like an android.

[Seymore]

What do you normally do with your free time, CT?

[COtuner]

What do you normally do with your free time, CT?

 

Depends on how much I get (which is very little these days). Since I'm usually exhausted this year..... Most of the time my "free time" is the gym, chores, errands, maybe listen to some music or read a book, watch some tv.

[chewy21]

Bit of a backslide tonight, I think... well, this morning now... I posted a new thread about it. Comments are, of course, very welcome and appreciated.

[Effervescent]

Checking in on everyone! How are you guys doing? I know you're not doing too well Chewy. I read your other thread. Hang in there! Have you checked out that blog I suggested?

[chewy21]

Actually, I haven't been there yet. I was planning on sitting down and reading it this weekend when I have some time, but if I can find a few minutes today to at least get started on it, then I will.

[Effervescent]

It's not too long, but it's very helpful. Everyone needs a bit of tough love and that's what she gives. I know you miss her so much right now that you would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get her back, but the feeling will past, trust me. Two weeks ago, I was hoping I would win the lottery, so I could pay his cult leader to leave him alone. Our emotional state clouds our judgement and rational thinking. You just have to ride it out. Just make sure you don't do anything drastic in the meantime! Take care of yourself!

[Seymore]

That was an awesome blog post Effervescent - the end especially made me lol. Who is that author? Is that the person who wrote the book in the sidebar "Getting past your breakup"?

 

 

I was reading that and thinking to myself: "No, she wasn't marriage material." A woman like that is not marriage material for ANYONE. So if she wants to live her dream of getting married and having kids and having her house and SUV (that she expects her future husband is going to foot the bill for, no less), she's got no choice but to shape her ass up.

 

And if she winds up in a marriage/relationship with someone without shaping up, she's gonna be miserable, and so will he. I can already foresee a divorce in her future, much like her mom, who's on her (at least) 6th marriage now.

[Effervescent]

Yep, it's the same person. I bought her book. I love it to pieces. It made me realize that I have issues that I need to work on myself. She made a very good statement in the book, she says "water seeks its own level". That made me realize that even though my ex is dysfunctional in his own way, I had my own problems as well. That is why I remained in the relationship for so long. Since reading the book, I have been doing a lot of self-analysis and I realized why I was in the relationship and why I was still so hung up on my ex. After reading the book, it made me realize that I want something BETTER. I want to be better myself, so I can attract a better, healthier relationship. Honestly, without that book, I'd probably still be miserable right now, instead of chugging along. I'd suggest purchasing it. It's not that expensive. It's worth every penny and more.

[Seymore]

I just got a membership at the library in my city (I'd been going to the one in my old city all this time but they won't reinstate me because I'm in a different city now), so if they don't have it, I'll go to Borders.

[chewy21]

I read the blog post. It made a lot of sense.

 

Hopefully if/when I get out of this funk, I'll be able to re-read it and appreciate it more. Thanks for sharing, Eff.

[COtuner]

Yesterday was great, and today I'm feeling a void. I think it's because I have nothing to look forward to or anticipate now, more so than the specific loss of my ex in my life (at least today). The lack of fighting and tension is a big relief. But I feel like my life is all about the day to day now, instead of that "someday we will..." mindset that always underlies a relationship when you want a long term future together. The excitement and anticipation is gone and there's nothing that really fills it. The things people would suggest to "take the place" usually involve spending a lot of money, which is not an option for me right now, nor do I think a week of travel or something similar replaces thinking about a lifetime with another person you care about. That's only a diversion. I can find ways to fill my time, and find good feelings, but I think the hardest thing to get over is that sense of loss. Like part of my own life was taken away.

[Seymore]

I picked it up and got through the first chapter. I can see that I may have my own issues, but she seems to suggest that you are equally as messed up as your ex was. I really don't see that. Nonetheless, it's a good book.

 

CO, not sure if this will help at all, but I'm taking it day by day as well. My mantra for yesterday was "It doesn't matter". Every time I was doing something I would imagine what she was doing, and a split second later tell myself that it doesn't matter. Smiling, laughing, maybe spending time with a new guy, it doesn't matter. I blocked the thought as I said that. What matters is are YOU satisfied with what you are doing right now. Being good to yourself doesn't have to involve money. It could involve spending time alone people watching at the mall, sitting outside a coffee shop with a latte, whatever. I definitely don't have much money, but I am doing things the way I want, when I want, instead of everything by HER rules. A couple weeks ago I was with my friend and he was looking for a book. The book was only available about 4 towns over, in a place I'd never been. He didn't expect me to drive all the way there, but I said what the hell, let's go. I visited a new place that wasn't that far, and I kinda felt like I was in my own world for a bit.

[COtuner]

Yeah, that's kind of what I'm doing. Except I'm doing it at the office. I spent most of yesterday with my old group, the folks I used to work with and manage. The comfort level, inside jokes, and acceptance really felt good right now. I also was jampacked the whole day, non-stop meetings from 7am to 4pm.

 

I woke up about half an hour early (at least I slept for a change) and was a nervous wreck, mainly because of this feeling of impending doom that I can't link to anything in particular. All morning I've felt kind of down. I'm working from home the first half of the day, so at least it won't bother anyone (except those of you reading this!!) I'll admit I've started crying 2 or 3 times, just little 2-5 minute things before I catch myself and refocus.

 

I am thinking about going up for a drive in the mountains this weekend (a favorite summertime activity), but for the first time in my life, I'm conscious of being alone in isolated areas. I guess it's the end of the relationship affecting me. Hopefully that will pass as I heal - I've never really thought about those things in my life before.

And my ex turned down every invitation the last 3 years to go anywhere with me, so I've had to go by myself when I did go anyway.

[Seymore]

And my ex turned down every invitation the last 3 years to go anywhere with me, so I've had to go by myself when I did go anyway.

 

That's a blessing then. Imagine if everywhere you went you had a reminder of him.

 

I also have that feeling of impending doom in the morning. I haven't been able to sleep a full night in the last week. So I wake up at 5am, sit there for an hour and a half drinking tea and having a smoke, surfing ENA, then take a nice long hot shower and it usually makes me feel a little better. This morning I sang to myself in the shower...some goofy song. It kinda cheered me up to be silly. But I never can shake that feeling. And last night a really loud thunderstorm pretty much went right over my place, so I lost another hour of sleep there.