Challenging myself

[COtuner]

Eff.... I totally get your post. I'm doing the same, trying to focus not on the good times but on the progressively degenerating last three years and the last year in particular. I'd have days when I would look at him and just think, "Who is this person? Where did my BF go? Why am I with him?" . That's what I need to grab onto and hold close right now while I heal. I've mourned and grieved the loss of our happy times several times a year for the last three years... my grieving now should be looked at as opening old wounds.

 

Easy to say, but doesn't mean that I'm not still on the roller coaster. I have times when I am really looking forward to a miracle, finding an amazing, attractive, wonderful man out there, and I have times when I just can't believe what happened. Shell shock you might call it.

 

Try your best to stay in that mindset. Only advice I can give. And send a HUG

[chewy21]

Did get a laugh at least - a bird just smacked into the window outside my cubicle. Good that I can still laugh - I've been joking and smiling with people today so maybe it's only being alone in the evenings that's killing me. Which means maybe I'm bouncing back a bit?

 

I'm glad you got a laugh. And it sounds like the good dinner and a little more sleep did help.

 

I hope you are bouncing back. It's gotta be difficult to revisit those emotions after being over it for so long, but I think you've done really well with it.

 

I'm thinking I might have to allow myself an hour or so today to get some feelings out. Feels like I've just been ignoring everything for the past few days, and I definitely don't want it all to come crashing down on me when I see her this weekend.

[chewy21]

During the time I allowed myself to grieve and feel everything today, I got wrapped up in the good things I missed about the relationship. I started wondering why this had to happen. It all came on so suddenly, and the decision just didn't seem final to me.

 

So, to remind myself why it was better to move forward, I revisited the video where Jessica talks about meeting up with Nathan in October. I was immediately hurt and angry again. She did it with such a sly grin on her face... ugh. So, now that I've done that, I've got to get myself back on track. It's obvious that I'm not over her, but I've got to keep reminding myself how hurtful she was to me there, without going back and watching it every time.

 

Day 1...

[Effervescent]

During the time I allowed myself to grieve and feel everything today, I got wrapped up in the good things I missed about the relationship. I started wondering why this had to happen. It all came on so suddenly, and the decision just didn't seem final to me.

 

So, to remind myself why it was better to move forward, I revisited the video where Jessica talks about meeting up with Nathan in October. I was immediately hurt and angry again. She did it with such a sly grin on her face... ugh. So, now that I've done that, I've got to get myself back on track. It's obvious that I'm not over her, but I've got to keep reminding myself how hurtful she was to me there, without going back and watching it every time.

 

Day 1...

 

It's ok. We all falter at some point. Just pick yourself up and start all over. Don't let it get you down. You HAVE to move on. There is no other choice. Either you live life wallowing in self-pity, forever pining over your ex, or you shake this off and keep pushing forward. You can do it! We're here to support you!

[chewy21]

Thanks, Eff. I'm still really disappointed in myself, but it's a positive negativity (if that makes any sense). I'm more determined to get over this hurdle because every time I go back and check her page it causes nothing but pain for me.

[Effervescent]

Feeling really sad right now. Nothing really triggered it. I'm just missing the ex so much. I hate how things ended up. I know it's not healthy, but I keep wishing that something would happen to change the situation. I'm cold and alone. I wish my ex were here holding me right now. I hate him. I hate how he can just walk off out of my life after I stuck with him through thick and thin. People like my ex don't deserve love. He deserves to be alone and miserable, so he can deal with his own issues.

[chewy21]

I'm right there with you, Eff. And you're right, it's not fair at all that they are the ones moving on and doing fine after they left us, the ones who were always there for them. They should be dealing with their problems. Instead, they get out of this with minimal hurt and start looking for the next "quick fix", while we're left feeling like doormats and picking up the pieces.

 

Where's the justice in that?

[Effervescent]

The only comfort I am getting right now is that I know his friends and family are all siding with me. They hate the new person he has become. The other thing that keeps me going is the fact that I know I'm learning and improving myself, while all he's done is swap one obesession for another. He thinks he's working on himself and making himself better, because he doesn't know any better. Ignorance is temporary bliss, until the bubble bursts.

[Marton04]

Good morning all from the land of Oz - it's 8.26am here on a Friday morning

 

I just wanted to say i'm feeling a tiny bit better today - listening to break up songs in the car on the way to work and feeling more positive. Gives me the courage to move on with my life although I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing? I know not contacting him right now is what I need to do but if he doesn't hear from me for awhile, will he just be ok and be done with me? I know I shouldn't even worry or care about that but unfortunately I do

[Fan]

Looked through holiday photographs today hoping she would be ugly and not as beautiful as I pictured but guess I was wrong just miss her more, upside is NC still.

[Marton04]

The only comfort I am getting right now is that I know his friends and family are all siding with me. They hate the new person he has become. The other thing that keeps me going is the fact that I know I'm learning and improving myself, while all he's done is swap one obesession for another. He thinks he's working on himself and making himself better, because he doesn't know any better. Ignorance is temporary bliss, until the bubble bursts.

 

I wish my exes friends and family sided with me like yours Eff. Instead his friends are probably all high fiving him and his family just laughs it off saying "oh, he just needs to grow up"..." or "he's done this before and he'll do it again".. blah blah.. there is no support for me whatsoever even though I was trying to help him better his life. It really does sound like you are doing great, i'm hoping to be in the same boat as you - I think i am slowly on my way. My world hasn't crumbled as I thought it would without him in it.

[Marton04]

Looked through holiday photographs today hoping she would be ugly and not as beautiful as I pictured but guess I was wrong just miss her more, upside is NC still.

 

stop looking at anything to do with your ex Fan!! seriously, you are just setting yourself up for more heartache - remove it all and do not be tempted to look at them!

[Marton04]

I'm right there with you, Eff. And you're right, it's not fair at all that they are the ones moving on and doing fine after they left us, the ones who were always there for them. They should be dealing with their problems. Instead, they get out of this with minimal hurt and start looking for the next "quick fix", while we're left feeling like doormats and picking up the pieces.

 

Where's the justice in that?

 

I'm right with you Chewy! It's like my ex wanted some time.. i gave him time and NOW he's ready to face me, he expects me to drop everything to see him so he can hurt me more. I don't know if i'm delaying the process by not seeing him but I refuse to be his doormat anymore. I hope by doing this, i'm showing him where I stand.. I hope ](*,)

[Effervescent]

Ok, we need an ex-free hour! For the next HOUR go do something to distract yourself and DO NOT think about your ex. If a thought about your ex pops up, say to yourself "I will think about this later" and keep doing what you're doing!

[chewy21]

Good morning all from the land of Oz - it's 8.26am here on a Friday morning

 

I just wanted to say i'm feeling a tiny bit better today - listening to break up songs in the car on the way to work and feeling more positive. Gives me the courage to move on with my life although I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing? I know not contacting him right now is what I need to do but if he doesn't hear from me for awhile, will he just be ok and be done with me? I know I shouldn't even worry or care about that but unfortunately I do

 

Good morning, Marton.

 

I'm glad you're feeling better. I can also identify with those feelings of worry. It was around the time that I started accepting everything that I started to worry of Jess would be okay.

 

It's like, I can accept that the relationship is over now (even though it still hurts) but I still can't help but worry about her as a person. She has a mental problem that she isn't dealing with, and I feel compelled to do something about that.

 

The reality is, we can't do anything right now. Our exes have made a choice to remove us from their lives. That includes any good that we might do for them in helping them to overcome their personal problems. Until they ask for our help, there's nothing that we can do for them. Even then, it will be a hard choice to make, whether or not to agree and help them. Would they just be using us all over again? Are they worth helping after what they did?

 

These are questions we'll have to struggle with when or if that ever happens. But that's the whole point: we don't know if that's going to happen. We can't let something that might happen control our healing and our lives. We've got to move on for ourselves. That's why we're still posting here so long after our breakups.

 

What I've done in my situation is to make sure Jessica knows that I want to help if she wants to accept it. I don't know if that offer is permanent, but it's how I feel right now. Beyond that, I've just got to move on.

 

Hope you have a great day, Marton. Try and hang on to those good feelings you had this morning in the car. If you start to feel down, write to one of us on here (if you're able to do that from work).

[Effervescent]

I'm right with you Chewy! It's like my ex wanted some time.. i gave him time and NOW he's ready to face me, he expects me to drop everything to see him so he can hurt me more. I don't know if i'm delaying the process by not seeing him but I refuse to be his doormat anymore. I hope by doing this, i'm showing him where I stand.. I hope ](*,)

 

RIGHT ON! That's EXACTLY what you should be doing. They left us and broke our trust and our hearts. If they want us back, they better well PROVE to us that they deserve us. Hold your ground! You're doing great!

[chewy21]

Ok, we need an ex-free hour! For the next HOUR go do something to distract yourself and DO NOT think about your ex. If a thought about your ex pops up, say to yourself "I will think about this later" and keep doing what you're doing!

 

Excellent idea. I think I'll go to the store and when I come back, maybe play some poker online. Either that, or settle in for a good long WoW session.

 

Ah, I feel better just thinking about what else I could be doing.

[Fan]

stop looking at anything to do with your ex Fan!! seriously, you are just setting yourself up for more heartache - remove it all and do not be tempted to look at them!

 

I know, I know but its hard, least I have kept myself hush, one the postive im away for a week so and wont have any internet.

 

I'm on the break up song route at the moment i keep putting on "three times a lady" loving the lyrics:

"Thanks for the times that you've given me,

The memories are all in mind.

And now that we've come

To the end of our rainbow"

[Fan]

Excellent idea. I think I'll go to the store and when I come back, maybe play some poker online. Either that, or settle in for a good long WoW session.

 

Ah, I feel better just thinking about what else I could be doing.

 

I nearly got a xbox but I'm putting everything into fitness at the moment

[Marton04]

RIGHT ON! That's EXACTLY what you should be doing. They left us and broke our trust and our hearts. If they want us back, they better well PROVE to us that they deserve us. Hold your ground! You're doing great!

 

thanks Eff.. i needed to hear i'm doing the right thing. The hardest thing is not doing anything.. the easiest option would be to call him and get everything out that i've been holding onto for the last month. But that will only cause more pain and I can't deal with that right now!

[Effervescent]

Ugh . . . I wasn't thinking about the ex, but I got curious about my dating prospects (I'm heading off to law school this September) and now I'm depressed again. It seems dating in law school is nonexistant and dating after becoming a lawyer is a bigger pain in the butt . . . this has nothing to do with the ex. I think my irrational fears are getting to me again. It seems my goals are always in conflict with each other - i.e. find true love and become a successful lawyer.

[chewy21]

There's no reason a profession should get in the way of finding love if you don't let it. I can understand being buried in work, but other than that the option should still be there for you.

 

Even though I know you don't wanna think about it, you will meet someone new, someone better, someone who appreciates you.

[Effervescent]

There's no reason a profession should get in the way of finding love if you don't let it. I can understand being buried in work, but other than that the option should still be there for you.

 

Even though I know you don't wanna think about it, you will meet someone new, someone better, someone who appreciates you.

 

Honestly, right now, I DO want to think about it. If only I can convince myself that I will find someone new, who will appreciate me, I think I would be able to let go of the ex a little easier. I think I'm over him as a person. I just think it's a shame that a love so strong cannot be salvaged and I'm just worried I won't be able to find that again.

[chewy21]

I'm glad to hear that, Eff.

 

I like that one line... "I think I'm over him as a person." That might apply to me as well. Maybe I'm just so hung up on the love that we had that it feels like I'm grieving the loss of her.

 

Maybe together we can finish this thought.

 

Don't worry about not finding the love again. He obviously wasn't much of a contributing factor to it, or he wouldn't have left you the way he did, or for what he did (the religion thing). That love was a nearly complete reflection of your capabilities as a lover. I mean that in the emotional sense, not (necessarily) the sexual sense. You're capable of that kind of love, and as long as you don't start blaming yourself for the breakup, then you'll still have that capability.

 

Imagine how much better it will be to have someone actually reciprocate that kind of love. It will feel amazing.

[orchidbloom]

I'm here! I love that this thread is still going on. It's been great reading everything...been trying to stay offline as much as possible. Staying offline means no Facebook and no checking email and I've been good for TWO days. YAY!

 

Eff, there is plenty of a'dating going at the law firm I know. Trust me. Plus, isn't the best thing about finding someone is not knowing when or how they're going to come about? Or at least that's how I have it stuck in my head.

 

Day 3 begins. I'm exhausted. I'm trying to work out too. I can't seem to have enough focus to play video games these days which is weird. But alas...you guys are doing awesome. You guys give me strength.