Challenging myself

[COtuner]

sorry to hear that peterson. Any way you can get someone you know to drop it all off at his place?

[peterson5880]

COunter,

 

I could but most of it I just decided to throw in the trash - felt kind of good. Sadly I still want to reconcille - NC is the best way, right? It's been 14 NC and no FB at all. This is just all sucky.

[Seymore]

Actually 14 NC and no FB is admirable. The book I'm reading mentioned something about throwing out the ex's stuff after a certain period of time, because they can use that to get back into your life, like coming along after a month and saying "You have this or that". What other things are you doing to help yourself out? Any groups or books?

[COtuner]

COunter,

 

I could but most of it I just decided to throw in the trash - felt kind of good. Sadly I still want to reconcille - NC is the best way, right? It's been 14 NC and no FB at all. This is just all sucky.

 

Yeah, NC works wonders over time to HEAL. Reconciliation is a whole other thing. (made that mistake already but sometimes it works out)

[COtuner]

Foul, absolutely foul.... I went out to "acoustic music night" at the local neighborhood bar. OMG what a horrendous crowd. I was hit on less than 30 seconds of walking in by a drunk Latino (so drunk I'm not sure what language he was speaking) who bought me a really awful whisky (cheap stuff, not a good single malt) and then proceeded to practically salivate on my arm. Thankfully his friend dragged him off and the bartender removed the drink.

 

The rest of the outing was really no improvement. I wound up sending work emails on my Blackberry as it seemed far more interesting. Then I went home. I really really am not enamored with this aspect of single life at all. I was only looking for someone to chitchat about the ballgame on tv or band playing or whatever, not looking for a date.

[Effervescent]

Sorry to hear about your evening CT. I hope tmr is a better day.

[Effervescent]

I am trying my best to not think about my ex anymore and to be honest, I haven't really been thinking about him. I only think about him, when something triggers a memory. However, having said that, I'm unpacking all my boxes from my move, so I'm finding WAY too many reminders of him. It's weird though, when I think of him now, it feels so unreal. I can't even picture him in my head. His image has faded in my mind. I only remember the feelings from the memories and what happened- kind of like when you read a book. It feels like my entire relationship with him was just a book. I've read it, experienced the feelings from it and now I'm starting to forget about it.

 

I don't miss him anymore. I do miss the warm fuzziness of a relationship and having someone there to support me and ease the loneliness, but at the same time, I feel like I don't want to go through all that again. My ex has left a very bitter taste in my mouth and as time creeps forward, I feel like I don't want a relationship anymore. I use to be a hopeless romantice, but I feel like the fantasy of love has been ruined for me. As life goes on, I'm starting to see that everlasting love doesn't exist. I see people break up everyday and the ones that are still together are miserable. Why do people put themselves through that painful process for a very miniscule chance of the relationship actually lasting? To me, the odds are not worth the risk anymore.

[Seymore]

Sounds like you're really doing well! Can't even picture him?!?

 

I'm happy for you, though not so with your outlook on love.

 

I really haven't been dwelling much at all about the ex all this past week. Haven't really even been thinking about her, aside from what goes on in the back of my head and the occasional thought I need to yell "STOP" at. Yesterday I went to visit my folks for dinner and within 5 minutes my dad says "When's she moving? She's still working at the restaurant." Um...does it even MATTER? So just hearing someone talk about her still bothers me. Yesterday morning I went to get my jogging pants out of the closet - they were on the top shelf, which I haven't checked in like a year. A diaper fell on my head - one of the ex's nephew's.

 

Reminders, reminders. Two little triggers like that is all that does it. I'm not in a super-depressed state, but I am feeling a little moody.

[COtuner]

Eff,packing and unpacking for me is like a review of my whole life. It's the biggest single reason I hate to move (and I've done it several dozen times). Suddenly everything you own has some sort of memory or emotion attached to it.

[Effervescent]

I think I'm over my ex. I'm just not over my relationship, if that makes any sense. I'm still bitter about it. I know in time, that will probably pass. I'm going to work to make myself happy alone. If love decides to whack me over the head later, I'll deal with it then. Right now, I just want to work on myself.

 

I think you need to ask your dad to stop mentioning your ex. My entire family is on an ex ban. They won't even mention his name in front of me, which is nice. That's how it happened so quickly for me. He literally didn't exist for me anymore. No mention of him, no seeing him. The only thing that proved he ever existed were the the gifts he gave me and I am making sure they are either thrown out or all tucked away safely. I think that's the only way to deal with this.

 

 

 

 

Yeah CT. I am literally unpacking my entire life. I never realized how much of a pack rat I was before this. I'm literally throwing out half my life. I feel no need for them anymore. I am trying to change my life for the better. Hopefully, this is a step in the right direction.

[peterson5880]

Seymore,

 

I have a few books that have helped me a lot - though now they are in boxes because I am moving. One is "the mindful way through depression" another one is "it's called a breakup cause it's broken" (that one is pretty funny) and two others that strongly reccomend NC for a long time. No groups though. I thought about attending Al anon meetings cause of my ex so that may be the next step. I am doing much better though - I say this forgetting that I woke up at 3am this morning crying my eyes out, though I did feel better and more clear after the fact.

 

Sometimes I'm sad, then angry then pretty tired of thinking about it and for a while pretty happy - it's quite the roller coaster but I know I am no where as bad as I was a month and a half ago. It's all about progress I guess.

 

Kind of glad the weekend is over. I actually love my job so it keeps me busy all day and not focused on what's his name.

[COtuner]

Yeah CT. I am literally unpacking my entire life. I never realized how much of a pack rat I was before this. I'm literally throwing out half my life. I feel no need for them anymore. I am trying to change my life for the better. Hopefully, this is a step in the right direction.

 

That's what I am doing right now too, although not moving at this time (I hope!). I simply lost the need for a whole lot of stuff I've been carrying around in some cases for over 30 years. Stuff that has always seemed worth keeping is flying into dumpsters and Goodwill bags and whatever.

 

I always thought it made no sense that I'd pay to haul all this stuff accross the country, and then when I unpacked it, I'd start throwing it away. Do that everytime I move. Maybe next time (if there is a next time) I wont have to thanks to all the cleansing I'm doing now.

 

I almost came on last night asking for someone to talk to, but decided not to bother any of y'all (it wasn't stuff I wanted online for the world to read). Wound up at the horrid acoustic night experience instead (awful)

[Tired Tiger]

Heh... my ex is in the process of packing everything I own for me (I wonder what psychological effect THAT has...). I can only imagine her coming accross the "old memories" box. *scratching head*

[chewy21]

Haven't posted here in a few days. But it sounds like everyone's doing reasonably well. I'm in the same spot.

 

Haven't thought about her very much, aside from the occasional 10-minute stare (usually late in the evenings) where I silently and motionlessly go over what's happened up to now. Sometimes I end up thinking of all the crappy things she's done to me since the breakup, and I feel empowered to move on and forget her. Other times I remember the promises we made, and the comfort we had together, and I feel a longing for her that takes some serious willpower to avoid getting sucked in to.

 

The bouts of grief aren't as common anymore. It really helped dropping off the rest of her stuff a couple of weeks ago. I know that I don't have to see her again, and any contact from her would prove to me that she's not over this. At that point, we might be able to have a civil talk. It's not something I'm holding my breath for, though.

 

My mom and her husband are having some pretty tough marital problems, though. Neither knows how to communicate with the other, and I can see it going south pretty quickly if nothing changes. Hopefully it'll work out, because if it doesn't, my life will be thrown into disarray once again.

[Seymore]

My mom and her husband are having some pretty tough marital problems, though. Neither knows how to communicate with the other, and I can see it going south pretty quickly if nothing changes. Hopefully it'll work out, because if it doesn't, my life will be thrown into disarray once again.

 

My mom and dad are having problems, too. My dad was acting like a * * * * * to her while we were out at lunch today and my mom had a breakdown right there in front of everyone. I wound up having to drive her home, while who knows what my dad did - probably went feeling sorry for himself. Just when I'm starting to feel better, and now I feel like my mother's caretaker because my dad can't act like an adult.

 

I know that situation would make my ex glow, since she hated and was jealous that my family was so close. I feel like calling her up and saying "THERE. HAPPY?" (I'm not even going to do that, though, don't worry)

[chewy21]

I just wanted to share something with you guys that I see as a positive form of proof that I'm moving on.

 

For the first time since our breakup, I had a dream during a nap today about a girl back in my early college years who I never really got to date. We were crazy about each other, but it just never really happened the right way. Whether it was distance or someone else's feelings or just plain differences in maturity level (I was two years younger, but emotionally at the time, it felt like 10), things just never worked out.

 

She's my "one that got away", I guess. She was a model, very intelligent, and very pretty, but not in the sort of conventional way that most models are, y'know? We were on the same intellectual wavelength. It was one of those things where something would happen and we would just have to look at each other and immediately know what the other was thinking.

 

So anyway, I had a dream about what would happen if I went to visit her now, and if she wasn't married and didn't have two kids. It ended up being a romantic dream. After I woke up, I felt amazingly proud of my progress, because I didn't dream about Jessica this time. To me, it was a symbol for my progress in healing after this nightmare. I know it might be kinda lame to cling to a dream like this, but it really made my day, and I wanted to share it with you guys.

 

I hope you're all doing well. As much as I hate to see this thread off the front page these days, I'm glad it's getting less use. That means the people here aren't depending on it for support as much, and that's the entire point.

[Lauren.xo]

Wow Chewy I am so proud! I haven't been on here in awhile and reading some posts I see how strong you have gotten. That is so amazing! Good for you. She truly never deserved you!

[chewy21]

Wow Chewy I am so proud! I haven't been on here in awhile and reading some posts I see how strong you have gotten. That is so amazing! Good for you. She truly never deserved you!

 

Thank you, Lauren.

 

Coming from someone who's come as far as you have, that means the world to me.

 

Just sitting and thinking a few minutes ago, after I made that last post, I came to the realization that I don't want her back. I want something better. I guess I had to be reminded of the girl from my past who got away before I could convince myself that there's something better out there for me. I feel focused and determined to improve my situation. I want to get my dental work done, get back in shape, get something to drive, and get back out there. I haven't felt this determined since she left me.

 

I also realize that this could just be one of those big hills on the rollercoaster, so I'm doing my best to keep my feet on the ground. But it really feels like this is it. Man, I hope so.

[Lauren.xo]

That is what you need to do. Set goals and go after them, you have no idea how good you will feel after. We always think there is nothing better when we are involved with someone. Trust me though, in a few years when your sitting down with this amazing girl.. Your going to think.. What the hell did I put myself through.

[Effervescent]

I'm glad to hear that you're doing better Chewy. You're probably getting over that giant hump. From here on out, it should tiny little waves.

 

Speaking of tiny waves, I've been hitting a lot of waves lately, but I've been able to bounce back from them fairly easily. However, I just hit a big one tonight. One of my ex's and mine's close friend MSNed me today. Apparently, my ex did receive an unknown gift and he was sure it was from me. I also found out three other things:

 

1. My ex thinks I'm in a very fragile state of mind, because of our breakup- somehow I find that very insulting, especially, because I've been doing quite well for myself without him.

 

2. My ex lost his job. This didn't surprise me. However, I was happy for a second, because I thought that would make him realize that the religion was bad for him. However, as I thought about it, I realized that it might push him further into it. Then, as I thought about it even more, I realized that I shouldn't give a crap.

 

3. My friend thinks that my ex broke up with me, because he just didn't want to be with me and it had nothing to do with the religion - at this point, I shouldn't care, but that hurts a little, because I had made closure with this relationship by realizing that he broke up with me, because he wasn't in his right of mind with the religion. If it wasn't, because of the religion, then it makes it sting just that much more. I don't want to reopen that wound.

 

I honestly just want him to stop popping into my life randomly. I want him gone forever and to never return. I want to forget that I was ever stupid enough to love him. That's my biggest problem right now. I cannot forgive myself for being stupid enough to love someone like my ex. Literally, what was I thinking? I should've seen all of this coming. This relationship has made me biased and disillusioned with love and I hate my ex for it. How can I believe in love anymore, when someone can love you so much at one point and have it all go away so easily? How can I trust someone else the same way?

[Seymore]

I realized that I shouldn't give a crap.

 

X thinks...Y thinks...

 

...the above is all that matters. The sooner you convince yourself of this, the less he will exist.

 

Think about it. Even if you'd heard that your ex said you were the cause of the breakup and that you were a terrible person, would it really make a difference? YOU know what happened, and your true friends ought to know you well enough to know that you got a raw deal.

 

And congrats, chewy! You definitely deserve a moment of clarity.

[Effervescent]

I know Seymore. I shouldn't give a crap and most of the time I don't. Then I have my random moments of weakness, where I let these thoughts run wild in my head. This shouldn't change anything. My life still goes on and nothing has changed. I just wish I could stop being angry at myself.

[chewy21]

Thanks Eff and Seymore.

 

Eff, I feel like you're being way too hard on yourself. Loving someone, and then having your heart trampled on, doesn't make you stupid. It also doesn't mean that love is a fake word. It just means that sometimes things don't work out. There are way too many reasons to count. It doesn't change how you felt about your ex when you were together. That was a happy time of your life, and whether you want to remember it or not, you learned from it. It's part of what makes you you.

 

I'm glad you're moving on (despite the few recent occurrances), but I think the anger would wash away sooner if you embrace what you've gone through, rather than blame yourself for everything that's happened.

 

I don't say any of this to upset you or anything. I just want the best for the people I've come to depend on here.

[Effervescent]

It's a passing feeling. It comes and goes. Each time it comes back, it's less intense than before. I've already accepted things for the way they are and I know I cannot change anything. I am moving on. I know what triggered all of this- my friends telling me crap about my ex. I'm going to avoid talking to them for a while. It's not good for me. I'm over my ex, but I'm still sad about the way the relationship ended, you know what I mean? It's a weird feeling and it's hard to describe. It feels like it's such a waste for a relationship to end this way. I think I'm just sad that I no longer have that security of a relationship and I don't have that person that I can lean on no matter what. I guess it doesn't matter, because my ex wasn't someone I could lean on no matter what anyway.

 

I think fear of the future is what is holding me back. I fear dating, because I simply find it awkward. My ex and I were friends before we started dating. I fear that I won't meet anyone else, because it took me 20 years the first time around. I fear that I'll be too jaded from this relationship to trust someone else. So many irrational fears swimming through my head. Can any of you guys tell me how you move onto another relationship? Will it just click? I know I am totally not ready for a relationship right now, but sometimes I wonder, if I'll ever be able to love like that again and trust like that again. Will these feelings go away, when I am fully healed?

[COtuner]

Eff, I can empathize. All I can think about are the wasted last 3 years that I spent with my ex (after it was clear that we were not a match). I missed out on 3 years of my life putting up with his BS and abuse.