Challenging myself

[chewy21]

I hope everything went well for you today, Fan. The more I thought about your last post, the more I became worried that your coffee date with your ex might turn into a last-ditch effort to get her back. From my experience, those never end well. So if you haven't already gone, I would try and keep the meeting as civil and to-the-point as possible. Find out what kind of craziness and dishonesty has been going on so that you can finally come to terms with everything, and leave it at that. Make her see that she walked away from a strong-willed individual who doesn't have time for games and gossip. I promise you she'll respect you more for that than she will if your coffee date turns into a tear-filled beg-a-thon, which would leave both of you feeling awkward and humiliated in the end.

 

Good luck, Fan. We're on your side.

[Seymore]

Well, today’s the ex’s birthday. Part of me wonders if she’s thinking of me, remembering the awesome things I did for her birthday last year. Another part of me wants to wish her a happy birthday, another part of me feels like a jerk for not contacting her, and yet another part of me slaps the other three parts of me around and says “Wake the F up. She was no good for you.”

 

Last night I fell back into the “Maybe I overreacted” frame of mind. It’s funny how even back when we had first started dating and had arguments, people here were telling me there was a big problem with her, and still said the same thing throughout our relationship and its problems. Friends, family - they all agreed she was toxic. Yet I STILL slip into this “Maybe I overreacted” phase. Fortunately I’ve got plenty to keep me busy after work, so hopefully I won’t dwell on it too much.

[COtuner]

Hmmm. Birthdays are on my mind too (mine is coming up).... I'm actually hoping my ex is NOT thinking about me because I don't want to deal with the random greeting card or email situation. I'm hoping he doesn't do that. It wouldn't make me sad, it's just an unwanted reminder. (yes I have moved on from the ex)

 

Yeah, the few people who knew about my ex were urging me to leave him years ago. I wanted to believe things would get better, man I cannot believe how much of my life I wasted on him

[Fan]

Thanks, maybe part of me might of felt it was a last ditch effort but I told myself I wernt going to sink that low, It would of been hopefully only friendly contact and nothing more, I was hoping we could clear up the mess and confusion. She never replied to me I know she has been on since as she wrote on a mutual friends wall twice. I was pretty shocked to be honest, I never expected her to ignore me as she always asked for my friendship,

[chewy21]

It might be for the best that she's ignoring you now, Fan. Just take it as a sign that you need to move on and forget about all this drama and hassle she's been putting you through. The sooner you realize you're better off without all of that, the sooner you'll start to feel good about yourself again.

 

I'm having a bit of a rough morning, myself. I had a dream about Jess last night for the first time in weeks. It's really been messing with me. I'm trying to stay strong, though. It was tempting earlier to go and check her YouTube channel, but I finally talked myself down. It really will do absolutely no good, and will probably cause me to regress back into the pain I was in about this time last month. Not to mention it would ruin my progress with the challenge.

 

But yeah, it's still tough right now. The weird thing is, I feel like if I could meet somebody right now then I wouldn't miss her as much. I'm guessing that means I'm not missing her anymore, but the relationship... I don't know.

 

Edit: Okay, now I'm worried. I was just sitting here thinking about how it may still work out between us someday, and that gave me comfort. I shouldn't be thinking like that right now.

 

Looks like this is gonna be one of those days... again.

[Seymore]

Yeah, the few people who knew about my ex were urging me to leave him years ago. I wanted to believe things would get better, man I cannot believe how much of my life I wasted on him

 

I would think the same of my ex, but at the same time, if it wasn't for her, I never would've gone on that roller coaster. I know that I was the one who decided to in the end, but the situation arose because of her. Things like that make it hard to regret. But at the same time it feels like it was a waste too, if that makes any sense.

 

chewy, just remember...SOMEDAY is the key word there. Someday is not today, so there's no sense thinking about it because Today is what's for certain, and it's not going to happen today or anytime soon, if it even does.

[Fan]

Thanks for the support.

Chewy I hope you are feeling better?

The dreams are evil, sometimes we wish we could just stay in that frame of mind and never wake up but we do to a empty bed! I'm glad you never checked her youtube channel! You seem like you are slowly getting better we all have our down days.

[chewy21]

Thanks for the kind words Seymore and Fan.

 

I'm doing better tonight. Actually, the turmoil from today had a positive outcome: I finished my play. That gives me a sense of accomplishment, because I've been working on that thing since some time in February.

 

So I'm feeling much better now. I think I might actually go to sleep early tonight, so I don't feel like such a bum waking up after 10 again.

 

I hope you're all doing okay tonight.

[Seymore]

It's my second day of not smoking. Quitting smoking has never been tough for me, it's finding a new addiction that's hard.

 

One of my books said that when you quit an addiction, you can't just leave it that way, but you have to fill that void with a new, GOOD addiction. Well, in the last day, I can FEEL thoughts of my ex creeping through my head, and that's an addiction I don't want to come back.

[EnidFlower]

Try knowing your ex's password for his email account!!!! Whenever I get bored those numbers and letters just seem to jump out at me (although I haven't done it in months....oh the itch!!!)

[Seymore]

I used to know (she told me all her passwords), but I've pretty much forgotten them all.

[SighSob]

Try knowing your ex's password for his email account!!!! Whenever I get bored those numbers and letters just seem to jump out at me (although I haven't done it in months....oh the itch!!!)

 

Hehehehe right after the breakup I used to hack her FB....then I stopped doing it for my own dignity even though I think she still hasn't changed her pass.

[Effervescent]

Hi all, sorry I haven't been around. Been kind down lately and didn't want to be a wet blanket.

 

Fan: I really hope you reconsider meeting up with your ex. NC is definitely the way for you to go, if you want to heal. Like you've said, she knows you want her back. It's time to leave her alone and work on yourself.

 

Seymore: I hope you didn't contact your ex on her birthday. That would definitely set you back and although you may not agree, but it seems you've been doing better. Keep at it! I'm proud of you for quitting smoking. My father just quit last year as well after 30+ years of smoking. It takes some real will power and determination.

 

Enidflower: You shouldn't check your ex's e-mail. It only brings a world of hurt. There are things that are better left unknown. Plus, by checking your ex's mail, it keeps bringing him back into the present and you'll never be able to heal. Leave him in the past and stop checking up on him.

 

Chewy: Congratz on finishing your play! That's quite an accomplishment and to do it while feeling like crap is even more admirable. It seems you're doing a lot better. Keep it up!

 

CT: Don't think of it as a waste of time- that only breeds regret and guilt. That won't help you heal and move on. Think on the positive side, you've learned your lesson and you won't do it again. You can make a fresh start now.

 

As for me, I've been over my ex for a while, and my life has been getting back to normal. It just sucks, because I've been stressed lately (non-ex related), which has caused me to miss having a b/f to comfort me. I feel so alone these days, because it always seems like when people need help, I'm the first one there. However, when I need help, no one seems to be around. It's ok though, I'm trying to look at this as a positive growth experience. I need to learn to tough things out on my own without having anyone to lean on. I should be ok. I hope everyone is doing better now too. This thread hasn't been used much, so I hope that's a sign that we're all on our way to success. Anyway, I'm going to do something I haven't done in a while- sleep before midnight! So, GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE! Stay strong and free of thoughts of the ex.

[chewy21]

Hey Eff! It's good to hear from you.

 

You sound like you're doing better. Just remember, you'll never be a wet blanket here. This thread is here for those times where you feel like you're bringing down everyone around you and could use some support.

 

That said, I want to go ahead and thank everyone who's posted here. This all would have been so much more difficult and painful had I not come into contact with each and every one of you amazing people.

 

SighSob- I definitely know where you're coming from. Not only did I log into her facebook (checking to see if my messages had been read) but I went so far as to chat with her online friends and tell them what happened. That's something I definitely regret.

 

So for some more good news, I just got off the phone with my friend in Austin, and after reading the finished script, he's extremely excited about directing it. It seems so unreal that this collection of words I wrote is going to be a living, breathing event. I'm ecstatic.

 

The show won't be until sometime in January, at a theater festival of sorts called "Frontera Fest". But I'll definitely keep you guys posted.

[COtuner]

Hey Eff.... no it really was a waste of time and a sign of what low self esteem I had when I had bad things going on in my life. Not leaving him was a sign of fear and neediness, even though he was making things far worse for me than I would have been without him. That's going to bug me for a long time to come.

 

I also gave him most of my 30s which was my last chance at finding single guys out there. Terrible terrible mistake - now I have to chase divorce lawyers to find potential dates

[Seymore]

That's awesome, chewy! What's it about?

 

Tuner, I'm 30 and I'm starting to feel the same way - like every woman I'm going to meet now will have been divorced or have kids or something. But there are single guys your age that haven't been divorced.

 

I texted my friend this morning and asked if I could have ONE smoke a day. I'm not going nuts, but I liked having my smoke and tea in the morning, and now I miss it. The last week I was down to 5 a day, even less the last couple of days that I smoked. The boredom smoking I could do without, and without that, it winds up being 1 or 2 a day, and I really don't see the harm in that. Anyway, my friend never responded.

[chewy21]

Thanks, Seymore.

 

The play is called "Habit". It's loosely about a married man quitting smoking (he's down to his last five), but in a broader sense, it's about everything being a habit, and how we feel like we break habits when all we really do is replace them. It comments on relationships, religion, and the tedium of everyday life.

 

The way the story works is that every time the argument between this guy and his wife gets to a point where it's too much for him to handle, he yells out the number of the next cigarette (for example, "FOUR!") and the tension immediately resets. He and his wife then start talking about something completely different and mundane, as if they hadn't just been arguing a few moments ago. That is, until the last cigarette (his cry of "ONE!") has no effect, and the argument must run its course.

 

I'm excited about seeing it on stage, but a little apprehensive at the same time. I know the director's vision for the piece will be brilliant, and I just hope the actors "get it", so to speak, so that the lines are delivered properly.

[COtuner]

Chewy, maybe you have vidtape it and post it for us?

[chewy21]

Yeah, I'll have to find out what the festival's policies are on recording. But if I can, then I'll definitely record it and post a link here.

 

Keep in mind, though, the show isn't until January, so it'll be quite a while still.

[Seymore]

The irony is mind-boggling, lol

[Effervescent]

Hi all,

 

Kinda down today. One of my friends just got married. She's one lucky girl. All her dreams seemed to have come true. She opened a chocolate shop with her family. She was able to find a guy to wait for her until marriage and now she's happily married. I envy her so much. Sometimes I wonder why I can't have that. I'm hating my life right now. Honestly, all I ever wanted in life was to find that one person who could love me the same way I love him, so that we could settle down and have a family together. That was always the most important thing to me. Yet it seems that everything I do is taking me further and further away from it.

 

My parents always pushed me into striving for excellence in school. They always told me to put my lovelife aside until my career was established. When I had moved away for school, life was so much better. I found love. When I had to move home after school ended, my life turned into hell. They did everything they could to strain my relationship with my ex. We were LD, so they always gave me hell about going to visit him and him coming to visit me. So it was so hard for us to see each other often, even though we only lived 2 hours away.

 

Now, I'm heading off to law school, which will pretty much leave no room for dating. Then I'm going to become some stupid high-powered lawyer, so I can also kiss dating goodbye. I don't want any of this. I just want love, why is it so hard to understand? Yes, I know I need to make enough money to get by, but I don't need to live the dream life. I don't need the fancy cars, big house and vacations. I just need a happy family. I've never had that my entire life.

 

I guess I was very foolish. I always thought that love could conquer everything. I thought that I could only be with one person my entire life and I thought that if a guy loved you enough, he'd be willing to wait for you. My ex proved all of that wrong. My ex said that he respected my decision to wait until marriage, but he lied, and now I feel so lost about everything. He took away who I was. I was the traditional virgin who wanted to wait until marriage. I was adamant about it and I trusted him, yet he still took it away from me without my consent. I wouldn't call it rape, but it was borderline. Now, I don't know who I am anymore. It seems hypocritical to want to wait for marriage again and honestly, most guys won't wait for it anymore. I feel so very tired now and disillusioned. Life is a real biatch and it seems I'm destined to walk this very lonely road. I'm just trying to learn to forget about wanting love and be happy alone. That seems like the best thing for me. Forget about love.

[COtuner]

Eff, I think it's good for you to have this time at law school to focus on yourself and who you are. It will be more than just prepping for a career, I promise you. And you'll more than likely date another law student or two along the way.

 

You aren't foolish - many of us want to believe in love. I'm torn violently between believing in love and being so cynical as to feel I'll never find the love of my life. It does a lot of damage to me when I take the risk of entering into a relationship because I bounce between hope and doubt. I do hope you don't end up in the same boat.

 

You need to work towards leaving those memories and emotions behind with the ex whom you have removed from your life. It's hard, it will take time, but you'll go crazy if you don't get to that point. It's so easy to slip into regrets.... God, I do it at the drop of a hat sometimes, which is why I try so hard now to remove reminders of bad things from my life. Maybe it's artificial happiness, but I don't care - if it keeps me from dwelling, then it's good.

[Effervescent]

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel utterly horrible. I keep crying the entire day. I haven't been this emotional since our breakup. I don't know what came over me. For some really stupid reason, everything is reminding me of him. I don't even miss him. I just keep getting reminded of our good times together and how much we use to love each other. It just breaks my heart that things ended this way.

 

I can't do anything. I feel so helpless and sad. I have so many things to do, but all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. Nothing even triggered this. I just woke up this morning and felt like crap. Then, all day now, I've just been remembering my stupid ex and crying. Ugh, honestly I don't even miss him and I don't want to get back together with him, so I don't know why I keep getting reminded of him. I've done my grieving. I've accepted my relationship is over and had to end. I've moved on. This is so out of the blue. I've been uneasy all day. I feel like something is wrong and something bad is going to happen.

[COtuner]

Awww, Eff.... HUG!!

 

Maybe your intuition is picking up on a bad vibe about something out there. I have days where I'm just utterly scared and I have no idea why... sometimes I'm sensing something and other times it was just a trigger that I won't pick up on until later. Best thing you can do is take care of yourself today and just let yourself sort through the feelings, no matter how random or crazy you feel. Get it out.

[chewy21]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, Eff.

 

I'm with CT in saying that time at law school will definitely do you some good. You need some time away from everything for a while. And again, agreeing with CT, get those toxic feelings out or they will drive you mad. I've been walking around for weeks feeling like I've got another breakdown left in me before I've got all of this out, but I don't know when it's going to hit or what's going to trigger it. I'd be willing to bet that it comes at the worst possible moment, though.

 

I think the last line of your first post on this page might be a good mantra for you for the time being: "Forget about love." Just forget about it. Don't look for it, don't think about it, don't even acknowledge it exists. Just focus on yourself. Fall in love with yourself again.

 

I think this is just a bit of a backslide. I hope so. You've been doing really, really well, Eff. But even the strongest of us have weak moments. But I can see you digging yourself out of this and getting right back to where you want to be. Go back and look at some of the posts you made when you were just getting over that hump. They were amazing and inspiring. They might just remind you of the frame of mind that got you there.

 

I hope you feel better, Eff. And I hope everyone else had a great Saturday.