The More Guys Flirt, The More Pain I Feel!

[WomanWriter]

This is the third time a guy came on to me in an overt way since I've been broken up with L.

 

Today I met this guy while I was out on errands. He was nice and attractive but he was also too suggestive sexually. There was lots of eye-contact, compliments from him about my looks, and a mention of how comfortable he felt talking with me. But when I was about to leave, he suggested I call him if I want to 'get together' (I knew what he meant---sex). I was extremely turned off. I told him I'm not like that and he said no worries, he won't force anything, but he does want to meet again just to chat.

 

The thing is, I feel like CRAP. Why do all the guys I meet want to hook up? I mean, my ex was nothing like that. We didn't have sex for over 5 years together! He respected my body and was even going to wait until marriage but I gave him the green light when we were engaged.

 

I have this sick feeling in my stomach. I almost want to throw up.

 

It kills me inside when people flirt with me. I like the attention but I miss the depth, the friendship, the warmth of L. I miss his love and protection of me. I know I have to be strong and protect myself now. It just really hurts that there are so many goofy guys out there.

 

I want a man who is not very experienced sexually...who only has sex when he's in love. Is that common? What are my chances of finding that, I wonder? I also need a partner who is completely clean--no drugs, no temper, etc.

 

So far, I've had good experiences in that department. All my partners have been fairly "good guys" even though they had problems in some ways. I never had violence or abuse or whatever, but I worry that since I'm getting older, it's going to be harder to find someone more innocent, not jaded.

 

At the same time, I don't want to date guys much younger than myself.

 

I feel like I am almost ready to start putting my foot in the water and lightly dating but I'm scared what I will find out there.

 

I emailed my ex boyfriend (I was with before my ex fiance) and I definitely DEFINITELY don't want anything more than friendship with him. I put some thought into it and have come to the conclusion that I wouldn't be happy with him because his family life sucks and he doesn't really want kids (in fact he hates kids). I can't live with that even though he's a fun guy and was a good friend.

 

My ex fiance is the only one I know that I was compatible with. We both valued family life, loved kids and animals, and wanted to be teachers. He was clean cut, a virgin, no drugs/alcohol, church boy, all that good stuff.

 

Obviously now my ex fiance wants different things...but it kills me because I don't know how I'll meet someone so compatible. I don't want someone so driven that they are a work-a-holic. And I definitely don't want someoen who is obsessed with money or working out. But I also don't want a bum.

 

I don't think I'm expecting perfection. I just want a nice, clean, fun guy who is loving and has pretty good emotional intelligence. Someone who hasn't been around the block much. Is that too much to ask?

 

I'm missing L today in my heart. But I think it's passed the point where I could go back to him because he broke my heart and trust in a major way. He didn't want to try. He thought there might be better than me. And that's what kills me. The fact he could do this to me when I trusted him and loved him so deeply.

[renaissancewoman101]

Are you going to try to cultivate a friendship with your ex-bf (not your ex-fiance)?

 

Not to sound mean or anything, at least you have guys who flirt with you? I don't even get that. Most guys don't seem that interested in me. Not sure if it is my weight (I'm a bit overweight) or my height (I'm really small).

[WomanWriter]

Yeah, but they don't like ME, they are DOGS. They want to sleep with anyone. That is what hurts the most--the fact that women are treated as disposable sex objects. My ex never treated me like that but I see so many guys who do. I don't remember the last time a guy just flitrted with me to be sweet. It's always about leading to sex.

 

It hurts because I don't even want to have sex again until I'm married. I'm not a prude...I have urges just like everyone else...and I'm open-minded, but it seems like I don't get nice guys hitting me that just want to go out and get to know me.

 

I really don't get hit on as much as most people. I'm also a bit overweight. I don't have the guys I would be attracted to hitting on me, just guys I don't like.

 

I don't feel like anyone really wants to KNOW me...like emotionally or intellectually. This just reinforces it. I miss the close companionship and intimacy that you can't have with a platonic friend, but is much more than just sex.

[itsallgrand]

Went through that same thing. I'm sorry you are hurting today!

 

I think "those" guys can sniff out when we are healing and getting back into our groove. Hoping to get in there during what seems like a moment of opportunity (for an opportunist lol).

 

Things start to look better real soon. Trust on that. It does.

 

This is the letting go and moving on part. You are doing great. Hope you feel better soon.

[90_hour_sleep]

i don't think compatibility is something you can always see right away. in most situations the relationship has to develop before that sense of things can be defined. depth, friendship, and warmth that you speak of are the true guts of a relationship and i think it's impossible to have that when you first meet someone (someone care to correct me on that?)

 

do you enjoy being single? or...have you taken the time to enjoy it? i know what you mean about that sick feeling you get. i've kind of put myself back into the position of being available...but i can't shake my own expectations of what i'm looking for. it still hurts. and while i can see myself with someone else on a superficial level...it doesn't go much beyond that. i'm struggling to remind myself that a new relationship will not turn into something profound instantaneously.

 

do you see anything positive about a new relationship? i'm starting to remind myself that meeting someone new is one of the most exhilerating experiences. the potential to fall in love with someone is an amazing feeling.

just getting to know another person on that level is a pretty rewarding experience. there are so many POSITIVE things to consider. i think too often people (myself included) are guilty of excluding the positive...and dwelling exclusively on the fact that it just won't be the same. for every other situation in my life...the best things go hand in hand with change. change is almost always positive when all is said and done.

 

i know for myself, the fact that i still get that sickly feeling that you were describing, tells me that i'm just not ready to pursue a new relationship. maybe it's the same for you.

[lady00]

 

We both valued family life, loved kids and animals, and wanted to be teachers. He was clean cut, a virgin, no drugs/alcohol, church boy, all that good stuff.

 

it kills me because I don't know how I'll meet someone so compatible. I don't want someone so driven that they are a work-a-holic. And I definitely don't want someone who is obsessed with money or working out. But I also don't want a bum.

 

I don't think I'm expecting perfection. I just want a nice, clean, fun guy who is loving and has pretty good emotional intelligence. Someone who hasn't been around the block much. Is that too much to ask?

 

 

I think the only thing on your list that may be particularly hard to find is a virgin. I definitely think there are guys out there that are compatible with you based on the other things you listed. And as for having the same career aspirations, you might find that that is not essential to finding someone you are compatible with. You're basically looking for someone with similar values and I think those men are definitely out there.

 

As for other guys hitting on you, try not to take it as something offensive. Just try to enjoy the flattery and keep moving forward until you meet someone who is less sexually forward from the get-go.

[viajera]

WomanWriter, it sucks, doesn't it? I think the "dogs", as you put it, have a way of sniffing out emotionally vulnerable women who've recently been through breakups. I've found whenever I reenter the dating scene after a breakup, the first few men I meet are just jerks - self-absorbed, only out for sex, only looking for their perfect 23-yo-supermodel, etc.

 

This time has been no different. Within minutes of finding out I had split up with my husband, two acquaintances I work with ask me out (one married, one divorced and living on the same block as me as well as his ex-wife and child. Can we say DRAMA??). I went for a beer w/ the married guy, b/c he'd also been a friend, but he proceeded to grope and proposition me - I cut off all contact after that. Then another married friend also tried to get me to go to bed with him, and another friend who I turned to for support and advice tried to kiss me. Oh yeah, plus a bunch of 17-19 yo kids (I'm 36) down at the bar who tried to pick me up.

 

But every other time I've split up, after initially getting discouraged with the options out there, I've found someone good, who fit the standards of what I was looking for. I'm sure you will soon, too! I think finding a new boyfriend is kind of like looking for the perfect pair of jeans at the thrift store - you have to sort through a lot of junk before you find what you're looking for. Hang in there, and keep looking!

[Lauren.xo]

My ex was just like this. He had a few other girls before me but then he decided that he wanted to experience more. I was so good to him. I don't understand why guys can not be happy with what they have? I want to find a guy similar but in the area I live, its honestly impossible. I am concidered to be good looking but all guys who talk to me are all into it for one reason and its quite clear. Plus they are not successful or looking to make anything of there lives. Is this so hard to find? I mean are our expectations up to high? I truly do not want to settle for less