My father says that he and i are finished. what do i do?

[comfyshoes]

A few months ago, my father gave me a gift of £1000 towards buying a new car. He stated that this was because he had given my sister quite a lot of money towards her wedding and he didn't want it to seem like i got nothing.

 

I have recently been sick from work and am struggling a little financially. I couldn't afford to tax and insure the vehicle so made arrangements for it to be stored in a friends garage until i could. My father offered to lend me the money to enable me to keep the car on the road.

I owe him about £800 in total.

I have made regular monthly payments of between £100 and £200 as we agreed

 

I am due to go on vacation this week. All of this was paid for before the offer of the loan was made.

My sister called this morning to say that she had thrown my father out of her house because he started yelling and shouting about me going on vacation when i owe him money. (i am going to stay with friends, so it will cost me next to nothing).

He took a detour of around 100 miles on the way home to call by my house to tell me that i am nothing but a f****** liar and that he and i are finished, that he never wants to see me or speak to me again. He added that he is leaving my mother because of my actions and that my sister has me to thank for the fact that he is leaving her nothing when he dies.

 

I can see that he is pissed that i am going on vacation while i owe him money. I have made sure that i have made the repayments to him as agreed. I have not missed a single payment.

I called to cancel my flights only to find out that i would lose the entire amount. So nothing to be gained there except my father feeling better that he stopped me from going.

 

I cannot afford to pay him back the rest of the money in one go even if i cancel my vacation. He knew this when he offered the loan.

 

those that meet him think he is a great guy. he's smart and funny and appears kind. when he gets behind closed doors just with family he changes.

he is verbally mean to my mother and allows her just enough money to get by on. he belittles me and my sister to his friends. and now this.

 

i managed to speak to him about this before and asked him to get help because i missed the man that love, respect and admire.

today he told me he didn't want help, didn't need help, that it was all of us (my sister, my mother and i) that were f***** in the head.

 

his parting words to me were give me my f****** money and get the F*** out of my life.

 

 

what do i do?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Since you are 33 I am guessing that your father is in his 50's or 60's.

i missed the man that love, respect and admire.

. I gather from this that he has not always been a mean father? How long has it been since he has "snapped". Does he see a doctor regularly? How is his memory? How is his health? Is it possible he has health problems or the start of Alzheimer's?

[Snoopy24]

I am so sorry.

 

Honestly, if this was only a verbal agreement, if it were me. I would walk away from him ,not give him another penny, and not look back.

 

I know family is important, but nobody deserves to be treated so poorly, and you don't need to have someone like that in your life.

 

If perhaps he apologizes, then maybe reconsider. But if you don't get an apology I would move on.

[metrogirl]

I really doubt that his outburst is the result of you wanting to go on vacation while you owe him money. I see something deeper here. Like CAD, I was wondering how his overall health is?

 

Has he been seen by his primary doctor lately that you know of?

[comfyshoes]

Since you are 33 I am guessing that your father is in his 50's or 60's. . I gather from this that he has not always been a mean father? How long has it been since he has "snapped". Does he see a doctor regularly? How is his memory? How is his health? Is it possible he has health problems or the start of Alzheimer's?

 

My father is in his mid 60s.

The problem with him is that he makes these grand, philanthropic gestures and then uses them to beat you over the head. It feels like a form of abuse at times.

The version of him that the outside world get to see is so totally different from what he is like around my sister, my mother and i.

Ever since he gave me the money to buy the car (i put up half) he has referred to it as his car and throws the "gift" in my face at every turn. He does the same with my sister about the money for her wedding.

 

I do think that he has health problems, but more of the mental variety. I have a background in nursing (both mental health and general) and i don't see signs of any organic illness there.

He does attend his doctor regularly for blood pressure and cholesterol checks.

 

He really is just becoming a nasty man. His temper is awful. He doesn't use his fists but he is so verbally abusive and controlling in other ways.

 

seriously, i have adhered to the repayment terms as we agreed them and today he totally melts down and says he is leaving my mother (he says it's her fault that i am a liar) striking my sister from his will and that he never wants to see me or speak to me again

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really doubt that his outburst is the result of you wanting to go on vacation while you owe him money. I see something deeper here. Like CAD, I was wondering how his overall health is?

 

Has he been seen by his primary doctor lately that you know of?

 

Yeah, exactly. His reaction is so over the top about this incident that I think there is something else going on...something he might be afraid to acknowledge and deal with. Another question...are his finances sound or is he feeling stressed because of the world financial meltdown. Is he concerned about his retirement funds etc.

[comfyshoes]

I really doubt that his outburst is the result of you wanting to go on vacation while you owe him money. I see something deeper here. Like CAD, I was wondering how his overall health is?

 

Has he been seen by his primary doctor lately that you know of?

 

 

He has had two heart attacks in the past and coronary artery bypass surgery.

His last angiogram showed that the grafts were patent and healthy. Apart from being overweight, he is healthy for a man of his years. This seems to disappoint him too. It's like he wants to be ill, seriously ill.

 

I have tried to talk to him about seeking some kind of help for his behaviour, but it's like banging my head off the wall.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

These kind of money-oriented issues are very common as a person gets into their senior years, particularly if there are some health issues. Seniors have been known to make accusations that someone is stealing their money etc. Often behaviour problems that were just simply annoying when younger become out of control in the senior years. His complete meltdown suggests that there is something more to it than meets the eye. He may have always held the money thing over the head of you and your sister but it sounds like he has gone way over the top.

[Snoopy24]

Yeah, exactly. His reaction is so over the top about this incident that I think there is something else going on...something he might be afraid to acknowledge and deal with. Another question...are his finances sound or is he feeling stressed because of the world financial meltdown. Is he concerned about his retirement funds etc.

 

I think that is all irrelevant. Nobody deserves to be abused no matter what. If it was one incident, I would suggest to wait a few days until he cools down, but the OP said he is abusive to her mother and sister as well.

[comfyshoes]

Yeah, exactly. His reaction is so over the top about this incident that I think there is something else going on...something he might be afraid to acknowledge and deal with. Another question...are his finances sound or is he feeling stressed because of the world financial meltdown. Is he concerned about his retirement funds etc.

 

 

As far as i know he is financially sound. There is no mortgage outstanding on my parents house and he receives both his government issue old age pension and a substantial pension from the National Air Traffic Service.

He takes money for board and bills from my mother and allows her a small amount to "keep house".

 

He flashes the cash when he is in a crowd. He likes to be seen as generous among his friends etc.

 

I can recall him being much this way when i was a child. Although there have been times when he has given so much, at others he has been a tyrant financially.

I can recall him sitting down to fillet steak while the rest of us ate eggs. I can recall him booking a family holiday to Florida only to turn round and ask me and my mother for our share the week before we left.

[comfyshoes]

I am so sorry.

 

Honestly, if this was only a verbal agreement, if it were me. I would walk away from him ,not give him another penny, and not look back.

 

I know family is important, but nobody deserves to be treated so poorly, and you don't need to have someone like that in your life.

 

If perhaps he apologizes, then maybe reconsider. But if you don't get an apology I would move on.

 

 

I feel that the chances of getting him to admit he was wrong, never mind say sorry are somewhere between slim and none.

He has told me that he wants nothing more to do with me and as much as it pains me to say it, i''m sure i would be much happier without him in my life.

 

My sister and i are trying to make plans for my mother to move to be nearer us. Between us we could just about manage the finances.

I think if we make that happen, he will just die a sad and lonely old man

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think that is all irrelevant. Nobody deserves to be abused no matter what. If it was one incident, I would suggest to wait a few days until he cools down, but the OP said he is abusive to her mother and sister as well.

 

No it is not irrelevant. Of course it is unacceptable to be abused like that..but sometimes there is a deeper reason involved and it helps to understand if there are other issues going on in order to better be able to deal with it.

[Siriana]

I would go on a vacation and ignore him.

He handled this wrong i.e. used emotional blackmail to get his point accross.

If you ask me that's very hurtful and never justified.

Also I would continue paying him off the amount of money I owe to him.

When he borrowed you that money it was not a ticket for controlling you.

As far as I am concerned when you give money consider it a present not a loan. If you're unable to give it away without having expectations do not give it away. Otherwise you ( the person lending the money) will end up resentful at the end.

Being the way I am I would sell the car (if I don't need it that badly) and give him the money back.

He definitely needs help as you suggested, but it's up to him.

 

 

On the other hand even though he reacted badly I do wonder why you decided to take a vacation if you're struggling financially, I do find it unwise, unless you made arrangements and paid for it before you started being short with money?

Also, why did you take the money since you know he uses such situations against you in the end?

[comfyshoes]

I can't get him to seek help if he won't accept that he has a problem.

[jul-els]

Sounds like he's got some serious control issues and not something you want to feed into. I suggest finishing your payments and then accepting no more favors from him in the future. Lesson learned.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I feel that the chances of getting him to admit he was wrong, never mind say sorry are somewhere between slim and none.

He has told me that he wants nothing more to do with me and as much as it pains me to say it, i''m sure i would be much happier without him in my life.

 

My sister and i are trying to make plans for my mother to move to be nearer us. Between us we could just about manage the finances.

I think if we make that happen, he will just die a sad and lonely old man

 

 

Okay, so this is just typical of the behaviour you had to deal with when you were growing up, although probably worse now due to age. The only thing you can do is realize that this is him, this is who he is and he will never change. Your mother and your sisters will be family and he will be the outcast. If this is what he chooses then there is not much you can do.

 

Just one other comment. I have often heard that some people have a dramatic change in their behaviour following a heart attack. My parents know someone who just basically sank into depression following his heart attack and he is a shell of the man he once was.

[comfyshoes]

I would go on a vacation and ignore him.

He handled this wrong i.e. used emotional blackmail to get his point accross.

If you ask me that's very hurtful and never justified.

Also I would continue paying him off the amount of money I owe to him.

Being the way I am I would sell the car (if I don't need it that badly) and give him the money back.

He definitely needs help as you suggested, but it's up to him.

 

On the other hand even though he reacted badly I do wonder why you decided to take a vacation if you're struggling financially, I do find it unwise, unless you made arrangements and paid for it before you started being short with money?

 

The flights were paid for well in advance of this issue and i will be staying with a friend, so my outlay while there will be minimal. Normally i am pretty sound financially, but brachial plexus injury has seen me unable to work for the past month or so (i'm an OR nurse, so i cannot work with altered sensation in my hand). I have made paying him the money my priority over everything else at this time.

[renaissancewoman101]

I hope you still go on your vacation. I feel bad for you. Your dad is the one that is being very unfair here.

[KG]

Yes, gather your Mom and sis, and let him be the outcast. It sounds as if the three of you would benefit from his absense.

Keep making the payments...it will be a thorn in his side that you are still keeping your end of the bargain.

[Ellie2006]

This must be tough for you but like others, I think that you should try to salvage what you can of this trip and try to enjoy yourself.

 

You NOT going is not going to solve anything at this point, I dont think.

So go and have fun. I feel like you can probably better address this AFTER you return, having had some perspective and distance from the event.

 

Honestly, I think that this may all blow over with your father, if you give him some time, because imho, what he said was, while inexcusable, was kind of in the heat of the moment, possibly due to the health reasons (and attendant anger management issues) that others have mentioned.

 

I can sense that you feel sad for your dad and want to help him so that he does NOT become alienated and bitter in the twilight of his life. I commend you for that.

 

I do think you have to draw the line somewhere (so that you do not feel oppressed by his insults or feel burdened about taking care of him) but sometimes, I feel like you have to be prepared to become the bigger person and to "parent" your elderly parent.

 

I understand that your dad is NOT making it easy for you to be there for him but I dont think I could ever abandon my dad under the same circumstances either.

 

Please try to have a great vacation, in the meantime.

[Ellie2006]

I suggest finishing your payments and then accepting no more favors from him in the future. Lesson learned.

 

I agree with jul-els as well. It is one thing to try and humor your aging and ailing dad and to give him ammo to hold above your head, when you already know he has the propensity to do so.

[comfyshoes]

Yeah. He has me what ever way i turn here. If i don't go on the vacation i lose the money anyway and nothing pisses him off more than wasting money.

If i do go, i'm gonna worry about what i have left behind the whole time i'm gone. so he's ruined my vacation.

 

It is not in my nature to abandon anyone, let alone a loved one that i can see needs my help.

I can find it in my heart to forgive his words and actions even without an apology from him, but it will hurt just a little bit more the next time he blows over something like this.

[HellFrost666]

Wow... I've never been in this situation so I have no idea what it's like.

 

I know it's easier said then done, but try not to let this ruin your trip. Like you said he will be mad either way. The best you can do is have a good time, keep making the payments like you have been, and hopefully he will cool off.

[lukeb]

Yeah. He has me what ever way i turn here. If i don't go on the vacation i lose the money anyway and nothing pisses him off more than wasting money.

 

I'm not sure I understand " i lose the money anyway" are you still planning to accept financial help from your Dad?

[whes]

I'd say good riddance.. pay him back like you agreed, but why bother with someone who so clearly wants nothing to do with you and is not a very nice person, anyway??