My odds aren't very good, are they? Heh...

[MattW]

A handful of you already know my story; I'm a 20 year old guy, never been in a relationship, never had a date, never even so much as properly flirted with a girl. Heck, I've only had strong feelings for one girl in my entire life. So, I've been thinking a lot lately, and I can freely admit a lot of that is my doing. I mean, I'm fairly introverted, I often don't feel like going out and socializing, etc. Basically, I haven't really met a girl I've felt like I "clicked" with.

 

And I always hear people here giving advice on meeting girls by saying "Well, actively pursue hobbies, do what you enjoy doing, you're bound to meet a girl that likes doing that same things"; and my thought process is "Well, my hobbies don't typically attract the type of girl I'd like to meet". Others say "Try going to a coffee house, or a bookstore, there are likely nice girls there", and while that's probably true, I really don't like coffee, nor am I much of a reader. See what I'm getting at here? The things that could help me meet a girl are things I don't tend to enjoy (and don't want to force myself to enjoy); so, if I start doing any of these things, I'll end up doing them JUST to potentially meet a girl, and that seems kind of screwed up, doesn't it?

 

Haha. So, what the heck am I supposed to do, now, then? Am I supposed to just start hoping that maybe one day I'll luck out and just happen to meet that certain some one, some random day, out of the blue? Seems to be the only option as I see it.

[karvala]

And I always hear people here giving advice on meeting girls by saying "Well, actively pursue hobbies, do what you enjoy doing, you're bound to meet a girl that likes doing that same things"; and my thought process is "Well, my hobbies don't typically attract the type of girl I'd like to meet". Others say "Try going to a coffee house, or a bookstore, there are likely nice girls there", and while that's probably true, I really don't like coffee, nor am I much of a reader. See what I'm getting at here?

 

What I see here is actually avoidance. "I can't go to a coffee shop to meet girls because I don't like coffee" has to rank amongst the more feeble excuses I've seen. Similarly for the reading. I understand you feel apprehensive about meeting girls at a coffee shop and socialising in that way, but in which case you should admit (at least to yourself) that this is the real reason for it, as opposed to the rather flimsy reasons you've given here.

 

What things DO you like doing, and what do your current social activities amount to?

[trdprincess]

I think you need to focus on yourself, and don't play into societies standards. Just be single, be yourself, have fun with friends and sooner or later you will find that person.

 

Or maybe she'll find you. It seems like when you least expect it, and when you are not looking, someone will appear in front of you

[Ruede]

Ehn... I don't think there's anything wrong, per se, about following a hobby that might not have been among your TOP interests because it might help you come into contact with more girls. That said, I'm not sure there IS a hobby out there that is MOSTLY followed by guys. I know girls who love hockey... cars... what hobbies are you thinking of that don't attract females?

[MattW]

What I see here is actually avoidance. "I can't go to a coffee shop to meet girls because I don't like coffee" has to rank amongst the more feeble excuses I've seen. Similarly for the reading. I understand you feel apprehensive about meeting girls at a coffee shop and socialising in that way, but in which case you should admit (at least to yourself) that this is the real reason for it, as opposed to the rather flimsy reasons you've given here.

 

What things DO you like doing, and what do your current social activities amount to?

 

Heh heh, no, I get what you're saying, but that wasn't my point; those were just examples, really. What I was saying was, I don't want to force myself to do things I have no interest in doing, because then I'd just be doing those things with the hopes of meeting girls, and that just seems wrong to me. But the things I DO like just don't put me in the right place to meet girls I'd be interested; for example, one of my big "passions" is music, something that's generally universally liked. My problem there is, I'm fairly picky with what kind of music I'm willing to listen to; and when it comes to my favorite type of music, let's just say that a lot of the girls that DO like the same thing seem to meet a certain stereotype that's a big turnoff to me. See what I'm saying?

[Aeryn]

Ok...So what kind of music is it that you like, that seems to bring these girls into a "bad stereotype"?

 

I think I'd have to agree with trdprincess though. You're not really going to find what you're looking for if you're out searching. I mean, it could happen, but probably unlikely. Like she said--focus on yourself, and someone is bound to come along eventually.

 

And maybe you could be a little more assertive? I know you may be shy and all (I am, too), but maybe next time you go out to eat or something, and you see a cute waitress, just try chatting with her a bit. And ask her for her number afterward. If she rejects, so be it--it was one girl, and you may never have to see her again.

[Raistlin]

Ok...So what kind of music is it that you like, that seems to bring these girls into a "bad stereotype"?

 

I think I'd have to agree with trdprincess though. You're not really going to find what you're looking for if you're out searching. I mean, it could happen, but probably unlikely. Like she said--focus on yourself, and someone is bound to come along eventually.

 

And maybe you could be a little more assertive? I know you may be shy and all (I am, too), but maybe next time you go out to eat or something, and you see a cute waitress, just try chatting with her a bit. And ask her for her number afterward. If she rejects, so be it--it was one girl, and you may never have to see her again.

 

This is actually really good advice. It's part of a waitress' job to chat with customers, so it's very easy to learn how to speak to girls that will actually talk back - even if it's pretty much mandatory. It's how I learned.

 

Last year on mt 21st birthday, I got my waitress' number from the pub I was at. We didn't end up meeting or anything, but I still felt like a king because I TRIED and IT WORKED.

[itsallgrand]

To be frank, you are coming accross here as rather inflexible and uninterested in other people. Told you it was frank!

 

It's great you know what you like and have your own preferences, but can you set that aside at times to take an interest in maybe something that is outside of your current hobbies? To show some interest in what someone else is doing (even if it isn't always your thing)?

 

Point is, you are right that your odds aren't very good if you are just hoping that by doing what you have been doing so far a girl will just fall in your lap.

 

There's nothing wrong with being naturally introverted and liking a particular style of music; but can you see the value of sometimes stretching out of the comfort zone to see some things you haven't seen and maybe find a connection with someone? You might even find you like it.

 

I've found that a lot of times the connection isn't so obvious and that is half the fun of getting to know people. Maybe at first talking it seems you have nothing in common and then as things unfold you find out you do. Not always; but it happens quite a bit.

 

Why not try for a while just experimenting - with new things, new ways of interacting with people, doing some things you wouldn't normally do?? At the very very least - it helps to make socializing less of a painful experience and any intimidation you feel will decrease.

 

I always used to say I HATED baseball, but when I gave the batting cages a try and put my own ideas of it on hold and listened to someone who knew something about/had a passion for the sport - I found there were some things there I could relate to. And it turns out that while I thought the sport was so painfully slow - smacking that ball is actually a hell of a lot of fun and right up my alley! So you never know....

[Sn0man]

Try online dating. There is a larger pool of women there that could relate to your particular interests/lifestyle. And it works well when you don't have hobbies/interests/activities/jobs that give you ample opportunity to meet new people.

[MattW]

Well, I'm not so hard-headed and/ or self-involved that I'm not willing to take an interest in other peoples' affairs, I've just fallen into my own little groove, and as I've gotten older, I've become more set in my ways. And to be honest, I think I'm basically happy with how I am, and the way my life is; these last few months, I've finally found a bit of direction, career/ education-wise, and I've also come to be a little more confident with myself, etc. I just can't seem to get myself into a position to meet girls. Er, well... I can meet girls on occasion, but I never really feel any kind of "click" with them. It doesn't help matters much that I'm pretty bad at making first impressions, and that seems pretty important, with people, so if I ever DID meet a girl I found interesting, I'd probably come off as a big dope the first time I met her.

 

Try online dating. There is a larger pool of women there that could relate to your particular interests/lifestyle. And it works well when you don't have hobbies/interests/activities/jobs that give you ample opportunity to meet new people.

 

I've actually messed around a couple of dating sites, last summer; didn't really care for it. I like being face-to-face, and I just don't like that "veil" that comes with online dating. That and, I always ended up getting messages from girls that had similar interests, but fit some of those "negative stereotypes" I mentioned; I wasn't going to go too into it, because it was just an example, but for instance, my favorite type of music is metal. I like some pretty heavy stuff and while I, myself, certainly don't fit the usual stereotypes you might think of when you think of a metal fan, many of the girls I've seen that DID share that interest were... well, the "rocker"/ "punk" type, with tattoos, piercings, dressing all dark, kind of broody types, etc. That's just... not the type of girl I see myself with. Yanno?

[Yanet]

Do you go to college? Do you have friends at college? Meet girls via mutual friends like most people, it'll also save you the trouble of joining societies you're not interested in.

[Rickster]

I think this is very good advice! For too long I've been in my shell and not doing things that are outside of what I feel my capabilities are. For example, a dangerous example, I am very shy and timid and it looks as though like I don't want to talk to people. I give off a negative aura when meeting people (I have my reasons). It made me feel comfortable because I've been doing it for a couple of years, and then it became so natural to me. But slowly and steadily, I've been coming out of that and realising that you need to change to progress - to move on. As what many people say, if you never try, you'll never know. Similarly, if you don't try to do something that you've not done in a long time, you'll never know you're capable.

[dr_styles]

Haha Matt, exactly like me. If you're at College/studying though try out some clubs and try to meet people in any classes (at the least build up a friends/acquaintances.

 

One thing I have to say about just "going out more" (coffee shops, bookstores, etc) is that depending on your personality it is not going to get you much except a bunch of awkwardness and waste of money (since you wouldn't have gone normally)

 

[dr_styles]

Also may as well post some more of my thoughts since we're in the same boat really.

 

Haha. So, what the heck am I supposed to do, now, then? Am I supposed to just start hoping that maybe one day I'll luck out and just happen to meet that certain some one, some random day, out of the blue? Seems to be the only option as I see it.

 

(note: remember these "answers" are ones I've determined for myself, not answers I'm giving you or to anyone else)

This will probably sound very pessimistic, and maybe I'm being overly critical to myself, but this particular lifestyle/preferences we have, whilst there is nothing "wrong" with it, will not get what we want. If you're like me in more ways than just this, I'm sure you know how unrealistic it is on relying on the cold approach. It's the lowest, baseline, practically non-existant luck. Like relying on the lottery as your wage.

 

To summarise all that junk above in different wording incase it was just a jumble of words, I've accepted that me right now (everything! looks, personality, lifestyle) is not attractive. Again nothing anything "wrong" with any of it, but it's still a very bitter pill to swallow and gets me down on accepting that, but also means I at least know the way out (being more outgoing) even though I've still yet to take any decent steps in that direction ](*,).

 

As a related tidbit, 1:50 is a nice hard-hitting, almost pep-talk like thing for me.

 

[MD Geist]

Try online dating. There is a larger pool of women there that could relate to your particular interests/lifestyle. And it works well when you don't have hobbies/interests/activities/jobs that give you ample opportunity to meet new people.

 

Online dating on works for some. I have had very little success with online dating. Perhaps its the city I live in that there is almost no large market for women unless you want to date a single mom.

[MattW]

Do you go to college? Do you have friends at college? Meet girls via mutual friends like most people, it'll also save you the trouble of joining societies you're not interested in.

 

Yeah, I'm in college, but again, being as introverted as I am, I really don't care to go out of my way to socialize. I have a handful of friends, but it's more of a casual thing with them. Besides, their idea of meeting girls involves going to parties, drinking, drunkenly hitting on any girl they see, etc., and I'm just not big on the party scene (that and, well, I don't care much for girls that are that, er... "loose").

[dr_styles]

Just as a side question Matt, what do you think will happen if/when you "crack"?

 

(like everything else imaginable that's popped up in my thoughts occasionally)

[MattW]

What do you mean "crack"?

[jenny_mcs]

Yeah, I'm in college, but again, being as introverted as I am, I really don't care to go out of my way to socialize.

 

Well, yeah, this is the problem. You want to meet a girl and be in a relationship, but you don't want to change a thing in your life to make it happen. So it probably won't.

[MattW]

I get your point; really, though, it's not that I don't WANT to change. In a perfect world, I'd love to be more outgoing, sociable, charming, charismatic, etc. Truth be told, I believe I could be all those things, I just can't seem to let them out. Yanno? I don't know what "wall" I have up that's blocking me.

[jenny_mcs]

I don't know what "wall" I have up that's blocking me.

 

It's probably the same wall as many of the guys that post here have. You won't do anything that is outside of your comfort zone, anything that might make you feel a bit uncomfortable. There are a couple of guys like you that post on ENA. They start a thread, asking how they can meet girls, or start to date, or find love. People reply, giving them many suggestions.

 

And, just like you, they spend lots of time explaining why every single suggestion won't work for them. You are going to have to DO something to change things. And what you are going to do might make you feel uncomfortable, or anxious, or shy, etc.

 

But breaking out of your comfort zone is exactly what you need, if you ever want anything to change.

[dr_styles]

As a person who's got the same "wall" problem as MattW, I'll post up why I haven't done anything.

 

Yeah just more thoughts. And keep in mind I'm not necessarily happy with these thoughts either because I know I need to get over them. Maybe Matt can comment on the various points.

 

Coffee shops, Libraries, Gym

1. Unless it's a situation where you have to talk to someone you just won't. It'll be sitting there doing whatever, everyone doing their own thing. Realistically most people who talk there came in as a group to begin with. Think of the "saying hi to everyone" advice. I don't think it's bad, but how often do you see regular normal people actually doing it ...

 

2. I'm not attractive enough to encourage anyone to even starting a conversation. In short, cold approach with no personality or looks is doomed. These places may have people but still cold approach.

 

Clubs, Classes, Groups

1. Probably the most important obvious one here is finding something genuinely interesting and passionate enough about to not have it about meeting a girl - it's harder than people think.

 

2. An activity where you aren't locked into any people. It'd be like committing to a gym or class and there are no "candidates" there. You'll just feel unhappy wasting time and money. An example of a good one is sports or bowling (as in another thread) where you actually meet new people regularly too.

 

3. Just a thought, lame excuse this one: trying to change a life/routine which really isn't bad overall. This is one which relates pretty close to how I say "I've accepted that me right now (everything! looks, personality, lifestyle) is not attractive.". That bit of disbelief that you shouldn't need to go to these lengths.

 

(haha flame away! I like discussion and really does improve my mood, sort of)

[MattW]

Coffee shops, Libraries, Gym

1. Unless it's a situation where you have to talk to someone you just won't. It'll be sitting there doing whatever, everyone doing their own thing. Realistically most people who talk there came in as a group to begin with. Think of the "saying hi to everyone" advice. I don't think it's bad, but how often do you see regular normal people actually doing it ...

 

Yup, would definitely agree with this one. When I'm surrounded by complete strangers, I don't want to just up and talk to them; partly because A) this may sound a bit silly, but I'd feel like I was just bothering them, and B) they'd probably think I'm some weirdo. The problem is, it takes quite a bit of charisma to actually pull this off, correctly, and that's where a lot of us are stuck; we're either not that charismatic to begin with, or we are but we just don't let it show for whatever reason.

 

2. I'm not attractive enough to encourage anyone to even starting a conversation. In short, cold approach with no personality or looks is doomed. These places may have people but still cold approach.

 

Eh, I'm on the fence with this one. I don't think I'm *that* unattractive; I only have two real problems, in that area... For one, I have this natural "boyish" look to me; people CONSTANTLY mistake me for being 13-14, and I don't know how to shake this off... I mean, what 20 year old girl wants to date a "13 year old boy"? My other issue is my height. I'm very very short. Most girls are at least my height, often an inch or so taller. And while I wouldn't mind dating a taller girl, it seems like my height is a death sentence to me. Otherwise, I think I'd be good looking if I could shake those two issues.

 

Clubs, Classes, Groups

1. Probably the most important obvious one here is finding something genuinely interesting and passionate enough about to not have it about meeting a girl - it's harder than people think.

 

2. An activity where you aren't locked into any people. It'd be like committing to a gym or class and there are no "candidates" there. You'll just feel unhappy wasting time and money. An example of a good one is sports or bowling (as in another thread) where you actually meet new people regularly too.

 

Yeah, I'd agree with these two, as well. I don't want to get involved in some new activity when I really don't have any reason to do it other than potentially meeting a girl. And if I DID go through with it, and ended up not meeting a new girl, what would I have really gained from the experience? I can't FORCE myself to enjoy an activity I wasn't interested in in the first place, and if I don't meet some one, then it was a waste of time and money.

 

3. Just a thought, lame excuse this one: trying to change a life/routine which really isn't bad overall. This is one which relates pretty close to how I say "I've accepted that me right now (everything! looks, personality, lifestyle) is not attractive.". That bit of disbelief that you shouldn't need to go to these lengths.

 

I'm not sure what exactly you mean, in this one. The first line I'd agree with, in that my "routine" isn't really bad or self-destructive, it just doesn't put me in the right position to meet people. Otherwise, I wouldn't say that I've "accepted that everything about me is unattractive"; I'd just say that I could be a great guy if I could tear down this mental wall that's blocking me, but breaking down that wall is a LOT harder than I had anticipated it to be.

[Leon]

Hmm I work at a book store, not many girls worth noting come in there by themselves just to read...

[Leon]

1:50 is a nice hard-hitting, almost pep-talk like thing for me.

] Ugh, not this guy, he's cheesy. I've even told him that, and he said the cheesy arrogant lines you say to girls is good, I work with more girls than guys and I can tell you that this stuff wouldn't work and they tell me that hate it, others tell me that they hate it when guys they don't find attractive compliment them. But honestly, I don't know what really works myself, I get along great with them without even trying.