THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[g3m1nn1]

To accept i think is one of the hardest things to do and I mean to accept it all, that you are no longer together, that you can't just call and see how they are doing, that you can't see them anymore, hang out, enjoy together, be there for them and so on, that they for some reason don't want you around, because it's not your place anymore. Even if you so desperately wish it would be.

And how things turn around and you are in a completely different mind-set and just plain blank with all this emotions going on inside of you. I am bla bla bla, i know

[ConfusingEx]

That is the truth. I know it is so hard to accept we are not with out ex's, that we cannot just hang or contact them. With my situation that changed. I can do all these things if i felt like it ring her, visit her etc, which is a real mind bend to know she doesnt love you and is with someone else and acts like nothing has changed between us by the way she dresses acts. You prepare for one thing and get another sending u backwards un progress, this is why i chose to Go NC. it just messes you up and lets her get the better if me knowing i am there when she wants it. im noticing all the little things i did for her and i think shes noticing the same, that her rock is not there to talk to anymore. In this time i hope our ex's realise our existence was taken advantage of. Im not saying i am innocent in our breakup but i can admit my faults and work on them, our ex's have to do the same. I also blah blah blah lol

[g3m1nn1]

Exactly, it messes you up. Even though for a short period of time, you do get a feeling that it is a good thing, but when reality hits, you are back a few steps.

Mostly because we still think with our heart not our brains and hope for something magical to happen. i don't know I am struggling with all this stuff myself and I am drifting away all the time.

 

I also know that my actions or mistakes somehow contributed to a break up, I am not denying it, even though I thought at first i did nothing wrong, but when i look at it, it did hit me out of the blue, but i guess I just didn't acknowledge the symptoms. i dont know.

 

I am working on myself, but mind is still playing tricks, and i guess that I would just prefer to work on myself, while she is besides me.

 

As for your situation, as you described above, I guess NC is the right move ( for now ).

[Blondie176]

What do I do if I were to bump into her and her new beau? I know it's gonna hurt like hell.

This would be my worst nightmare come true!

 

Use this time to not only heal but to improve you in all ways possible, that way if you do bump into them- her you will look bloody fantastic, not the wreck she is probably thinking you are. Does wonders for your self confidence too when you look good you generally feel good. xxx

[Blondie176]

Day 13 - Take 3

 

Ok so i made it through the dreaded day 12, now to kick day 13's ass!

 

What is it about day 12-13 for me? I am having anxiety attacks because i am freaking out that if i dont make contact he will think i dont care anymore ***! He is the one who lied, he is the one who was seeing someone for 2 months while still stringing me along. He is the one who broke my fcking heart and tossed me aside like a piece of ****.... yet i am worried that he might think i dont care anymore...seriously come on now.

 

Urrh.. roll on day 14!!!!

 

xxx

[ConfusingEx]

g3m1nn1 your actions and mistakes may have contributed to the breakup, like me i think back and see the signs, the arguments we would get into and then all of a sudden it would be over like she was venting. i let that go on for so long thinking it was her mental issues and self confidence getting the better of her and intact it was in someway about me, that i wasn't doing something or was doing something she did or didn't like, she would tell me that she wanted to do more things, i was studying heavily at the time and barely spent time at home, and that she would get bored which i could not help while doing 50 hours of study a week and being tired when i came home.

 

i wish i had just cut my hours back lengthened my course by a few years and spent more time on her, she said i ignored her i had no idea that it was exactly me trying to help OUR life be better by getting a good job etc. and that i was selfish. now when i heard this i was like ***, how was i ever selfish i only ever thought of you. she said some times she would be in the mood for sex and that i would dismiss that and continue on with my study or work whichever it was i was doing at the time, when i thought back and thought noway thats not me i realised omg she was right i do remember some of those times i was dismissing them not knowing that i was doing it and it hurt her, i was so focused on study that i looked over the one person i was doing it for the most.

 

now i am on holidays i wish it was with her but, i go out nearly every night no matter where it is just because i cannot stand to be in the house. it reminds me of those times we would be just sitting at home watching tv and not able to go out and do things, i get the urge to ask her to come out with me, but i do know the answer to it even though she says she wouldn't mind if we went out as friends. i just couldn't do that and not break a friendship because i know my head and heart would be working overtime to make the most of the night and impress her hoping she would somehow see how different i am now.

 

i get the working on yourself and wishing it was with her. i had that same conversation with my ex before we split, "i can change and i hope it is with you" they end up saying something like you don't just change in a few days you are just fooling yourself. and they don't even think for a second WOW ok he is willing to change and be a better person and work on the problems that he may have and that part of the relationship. for me it was just "i don't want to waste another 8 years" i never saw our relationship as a waste. good bad ugly horrible whatever happened. i loved her more and more every day i stayed by her side after getting punched, scratched, burnt(this was my fault in a way), her telling me she wishes she was dead everyday.

 

this is our time lets not let them mess it up for us.

 

i really ramble on sometimes. lol

[ConfusingEx]

blondie if you have told him you care, love him and everything that goes with it, and he still thinks that you do not care even if u don't contact him, it really is his loss.

 

having attacks at day 12-13. you are stronger then i am, its the end of day 2 for me and I'm already freaking out about not having contact with my ex. i don't understand it, they lie,cheat, toss us aside, and we love them still it is crazy lol.

for me its the change from 24/7 contact to no contact. being able to talk to them when we wanted to not being able to at all. if we had contact with them our hearts would probably being shattered even more because we set ourselves up to fall.

 

everyone keeps saying Absence makes the heart grow fonder, at day 2 i dont know if my ex's messages to me are a game, or that she cares enough to talk to me, or she is just bored and wants someone to talk to cause there was noone else.

 

i guess what my ramble is saying. try not to worry about him, he knows and if he doesnt then he was not listening. you can do it! they will come back to us, either a friend or a partner. in time we might meet other people and they may be alone and thinking what they should of done differently its not all our fault.

[NjoyStick]

Day 24, another work day, but it went pretty good, didn't think about her that much, felt better about it ^^ and yea you should work on yourself, since my break-up (4 months ago) i lost 50 pounds, stopped smoking and went out more, my ex even told me i look stunning the last time she saw me so it's a good thing, not for her but for you, you look awesome!

[g3m1nn1]

C.E., from what i am reading i sure can relate. like i said on another post, i think I finally realized my main mistake when i was having a conversation with my best friend on our ride from seaside, hell me and my ex were supposed to be together there, but as you can see, things took a different turn. I was putting to much "serious" label on the relationship if you know what i mean. Even though it was pretty short ( 6 months ), it was very intense, in a good way i mean. And i really felt that we were both feeling the same and all, but i think i was unknowingly too needy.

 

She liked the attention i was giving her and i know she felt loved, but i guess there were a few situations where she felt that it was too much. i am not going to go in details, since there is another post of mine about that. But lately i am thinking that i just took it more seriously than she need and that does make me feel very sad. Because she used to say that we should spend more time together and get to know each other even more, but due to our very strange work schedules we couldnt spend as much time together as we wanted, but we sure did use our time together when we could. Of course it could always be better, looking back.

 

What I am trying to say is, giving her the support and me being understanding for her lack of time, due to finals and work ( she asked me a few times if that bothers me ), I knew that this situation wouldnt be permanent and i told her that when she i done with all her exams we are gonna take our time and spend it wisely well that never happened.

 

Also as far as occupying ourselves goes, i think that activities, hobbies and work only take a part of our time away, its those other periods , when speaking for myself think of her, random moments, walking up the stairs, ringing the bell, chilling on the couch and so on. and i know they are not going away soon, lets be realistic here, no matter how much sand we throw in our eyes. sure you can think about something else, but our mind plays tricks on us when we least expect it.

 

Again going blah blah blah.

[g3m1nn1]

Njoy, nice job man. Quitting smoking and losing weight. I know about smoking, which is freaking hard. to be honest i feel like a chimney nowadays, if you know what i mean.

[ConfusingEx]

Day 2

 

its been hard to not contact my ex, woke up wanting to message her, just to see how she was as 24/7 contact for 8 years and then no contact its like hitting a wall.

 

i got a message earlier about some mail that i had received that was still being delivered to her place, i was going to reply ok ty.. but i stopped, i didn't want to open up contact and have her then continue like nothing had happened.

i let it go. i figure i'll arrange for her mother to give it to me or post it to my current address that way i have no contact with my ex.

 

the message was 12 noon and i didn't reply, later on about 4:30pm she sent another message, "i didn't open it come grab it anytime", i didn't reply again, after about an hour i decided after staring at my phone i was going for a walk around 5:30pm or so

as i was just heading out the door my ex messaged me again that she had to get out of the house she was going crazy and that her life was boring and pointless and a comment i don't really wanna think about as I've heard it a million times before.

 

now i know the message was for attention and i didn't reply i was always there on the bad days/good days now that i wasn't i really was concerned about her message, it sounds like she is playing mind games with her comment, as i haven't contacted her and she is feeling bored and alone, even though she could just call her new BF, she chose to message me instead, i know i was a rock to her all those years and she could turn to me when she felt this way now that i am not, and she has a new person in her life she should be contacting them instead of me for this kinda of comfort and attention.

 

i don't know what to think of it. whether she looks at me as a doormat or truly wants me to talk to her, as the NC goes on i guess i will have to see how she goes, I'm working on me and i do not want to give her the time of day right now as she never gave me the time of day when i wanted it.

 

her having a new BF made me furious to start with and how it all went down and happened, but atm the thought of them really is getting easier, i know it sounds harsh and probably mean, but she will see what he is truly like and most importantly he will see how she truly is, as she messages me with this message and i assume she didn't say it to him that she is hiding this side of her from him to not push him away, but it will only hurt her in the long run when he and she find out how they really are. this gives me and i know this is bad a little bit of happiness as i know that their relationship is based on lies and will fail. this gives me hope that the experience she is getting herself into might make her mature up and think a little more closer about what kind of person she really is and has been and the she might need to work on herself, and see me in a different light knowing how hard it is to say "i'll change for you".

 

ramble ramble ramble. a lot of information in my head and comes out all mixed up. so much easier to verbalise our situations then put into words.

[g3m1nn1]

Those little things are the ones that i personally miss the most, as you said msging her in the morning and so on.

From where I am sitting, you are handling yourself pretty good, keep it up.

 

As for the breadcrumbs, do I expect my Ex to drop some my way? I dont know, she did send me a msg a few days ago ( 4 to be exact, but who's counting ) asking me for a number from my tattoo guy, which I gave her, and we exchanged two more msgs regarding the tattoo and that was that. How I felt about that? Well i was freaked out when i saw the first one, since that was first communication after my final message on the 1st, where i finished with that i understand her and respect her decision, but then somehow i remembered that we were supposed to go together to get new tattoos, so this is again one of those moments.

 

Does this mean i broke NC? yes and no. i don't really care right now. because it was just a random topic when i think about it now.

 

Yes rambling and rambling goes on and on...

[brickheart]

Wow, CE, you're way stronger than me, hands down.

[NjoyStick]

Tnx g3m1nn1 =) it's really hard to stop smoking, the losing weight part wasn't really that hard, that's just the right discipline

I know what you mean, days can be really stressful and you really want a cigarette... It's very hard, somehow it's the additude that makes you stop you know?

[ConfusingEx]

ty both

 

i would not be able to deal with the day by day problems if not for coming here and venting, talking about it with others, I've had these bottled up emotions and feelings for the past 2 months nearly and they just seem to bite me i the ass when i do talk to my ex. we talk, and all of a sudden something was mentioned and then its on.. anger comes out words are thrown back and forth usually again it ends up with me walking out to calm the situation, and wondering if she'll ever talk to me again. well i got my answer from the messages she sent if she didn't want to talk to me even if it was just about bills, she would ask her mother or someone else to contact me.

 

the messaging was the only real thing that kept me going, the goodnight sweet dreams, and good morning how are you?, after our breakup i don't remember a day in 8 years i did not say goodnight or good morning to her. as of the NC its been 2 days and I'm a wreck in the morning and in the night time..

 

im not strong at all if i was i wouldn't be here lol, but knowing people are around to talk to it does give me strength during the day knowing i can talk to someone and not just have it inside eating away at me to burst out in anger and send a nasty message just out of nowhere, as much a i would like to say to my ex, its going to get me nowhere, and not going to get me closer to my ex if that ever happened.

 

even everything that is going on with her that i do not like or agree with, i can look over because i love her to death, i wish she would be the same in that way, i have faults, because I'm human.. one day they will see i hope.

 

on a side note..

 

i came up with an idea.. i go out to the club,rsl,parties etc as much as i can, but i never actively look for someone or something to fill my void.

is it wrong to just go out and want to find a female to just be friends with(if that is even possible in todays society lol) its rare to find people that just want to be friends and hang out with the opposite sex and not assume you want something in return.

 

im not a guy to just hook up for a one night stand, i like making friends, but my dilemma is if i go find a friend and it happens to be a female, am i really just trying to fill the void and not noticing it? or am i on the rebound in someway?

i don't know i just want a female friend to hang out with, i have HEAPs of male friends and all they wanna do is drink themselves stupid, sure go for it, but i find it better to have a female friend as they don't have so much BS they can actually talk without trying to boost their ego.. its just easier and fun to get along with a female and to go out with i have a few female friends that I've known for over 10 years, they have families and that and its not easy to get them to go out for a night and i would in noway ask them to leave their partners at home.

 

i still love my ex and want to be with her. would this be wrong to go find a female friend?

 

ramble ramble ramble

[g3m1nn1]

Venting and letting things out sure does help, i know exactly what you mean. hell, i could write something each freaking minute, but that would just be thread stealing on a more serious note, having a support, either in friends or family or this forum does help and coming here i somehow therapeutical. But even after I put some words down, I still feel like i could just go on and on. rambling thats right

 

And i guess after we put out this words, to express our emotions, either of sadness and anger, we or at least I still want to reach out to her. I know I am going on and on, repeating myself.

 

On your side note: there is nothing wrong with going out and finding female friends, i think the hard part is, convincing them that you really just wanna be a friend and talk with them, you know. Cause like you said todays society is way different that the one I was in in early 40's of last century But hey, give it a try, can't hurt right?

[ConfusingEx]

yeah i agree i could sit here and write on and on and on, being here definitely helps and tbh yeah therapeutical.

 

yeah the words help for the moment, but when there is no typing happening, yeah i just want to call or message her, even at 4:41am i know if i was to ring she would be awake.. which is the hard part. i don't even have to worry about waking her up t put me off calling or messaging.

 

to me i think to myself that I'm doing something wrong by going out and just finding a female friend, like I'm a) doing something that my ex would find wrong as i said i do love her and want to be with her and b)using the female just for a friend to talk to. not that is what it would be it just seems odd.

 

lol yeah I've been out of touch for many years as i never thought i would need to go out and do it again, 6 years ago i "proposed" to my ex, 2 months ago i was going to officially do it so our families would know. well as u can see that never happened, all planned for the day ring was ready to be picked up and the timing seemed perfect.

 

i think now. my big problem is finding a friend without a BF.. not that i want a relationship just would not be right to find a friend and her having a BF.. i know i would be suspicious.

[NjoyStick]

It's hard to find a female friend without a boyfriend for more reasons, i know alot of cute girls without a boyfriend that i would like to hang out with but eveyrtime i ring one up and say i want to meet to chat up about old times they say sure but after that they never respond to me anymore... It's like an invincible cloack that tells them i got dumped or something... Dumped over 4 months ago and didn't have any close interaction with another girl for 5 months while i know my ex kissed her new boyfriend a week after she dumped me, pretty f***ng funny huh?

[g3m1nn1]

right, finding the ones without BF is hard. but if i were to go out and tried to find em, i guess deep down i would feel like i am doing something wrong / not being fair to an ex, but we are in situations where we no longer have to apologize our actions to them, you know, no matter how harsh that sound. I know, reading again this sentence does bring reality in.

 

timings are sometimes way off in the universe, don't get me started. I am thinking of all things we talked about doing, but didn't and we probably won't either. My oh my...

 

Is it really that time goes different for dumpee and dumper, because i feel like my time is on slow motion.

[NjoyStick]

Same here, time is going slow, we have to deal with so much emotional crap while some of the exes here like mine already forgot we ever existed and keep living life happily...

[anonamau5]

Day 9. Pretty good so far. How is everyone else/

[ConfusingEx]

NjoyStick yeah ur right, i got no idea how that works out, i got a few friends that i could probably ring and thats one thing i would be afraid of is if they found out i got dumped that i would just be ringing them for a relationship or something not even close to what i would be looking for.

 

my ex was the same, dumped me and as she says she made her decision to be with a new guy AFTER we broke up which i know through very reliable sources that it was done while i was with her, and that i had actually been asked if this guy could come visit and hang out with "US" cause it was her birthday and he wanted to come visit her.. now i thought this was a bit odd for a guy she had only started talking to a few weeks before we broke up, we had known him for about 6 years but it was never more then a hello. somehow she found it soooo easy to just go on 2 weeks after we broke up for him to be her new "BF" even though they had never met face to face, and 2 weeks after that he visited. and my previous posts explain that visit lol.. its unfair that we are the ones thinking about how we look if we went and found someone so soon, i believe a couple of months should be given on both sides before any real moving on is allowed now thats just me, in those 2 months you never know you could get back with ur ex or not talk at all who knows, but jumping at something a week or so later is just plain disrespectful to me, its like we never existed and were thought of.

 

i do feel like i am doing something wrong by my ex if i was to find a female friend, i love her she knows it and to me if she found out that i was just hanging with another female she would somehow think I'm the one cheating on her, even though she did it to me.

 

being the dumpee it does feel like time has just stopped most days, and we look at our ex's and see them just casually moving on like nothing had happened at all..

 

the more and more i think about the time for a dumper and dumpee the more i think it is so true..

 

my ex and i took nearly 6 months to become intimate, and yet this guy she never met visits for 9 days.. and the first 2 days they were intimate, i really didn't wanna find that information out but its just too hard to not see the signs even if they don't tell you that they had slept together.. that has to be the worst IMO knowing you ex's every reaction,expression,tone in their voice, and when something is said or not said with words you just know by body language. and it really is just information you don't want to see or know.

[g3m1nn1]

C.E. all I can say is I am sorry you are in this position, keep your head up in the end all we got is ourselves.

 

I somehow like to think, what i dont know doesnt hurt me. That is probably also the main reason why I closed my FB account, because even though I didnt have her on a news feed somehow random stuff would pop up by her friends. Nothing drastic, but just enough to trigger me. Even a simple "like" from her on my post or something. Of course I am curious, I would be lying if I would say otherwise, but I think at this moment i am still too f*** up to act otherwise. And its been a week off FB and its not all that bad

 

And as for the time passing, like I said slow motion. But i read somewhere on this board that what looks like lets say 3 long weeks for me, probably seems 3 fast weeks for her. And I am referring to "contact" or "not contact" dilemma. Because I do want to talk to her, but I said to myself that I will not call her for at least a month, and its today the end of day 12 and it feels like its been over a month. If you are wondering why I would contact her. I don't know right now, just to see whats up with her, possibly to reopen lines of communication, I dont know. I know kind of pathetic. But i do not know how i will feel by the end of the month, so I guess we will have to see.

 

I think i am gonna call it a night for today...

[NjoyStick]

True... Same for me, one day it goes perfect between us then all of a sudden she wants a break for a few weeks, after 2 weeks she dumps me and a week later she dates a guy we both barely saw for 4 years, we saw him twice at a party and me nor my ex talked to him, i just know she suddenly started showing interest in him shortly before the break and funny thing is is that this new guy is not compatible with my ex at all, they both have a stubborn and arrogant personality and their interests are very different so why she choose someone who is first of all 3 years older then me (i'm 3 years older then my ex) hasn't had a girlfriend for the last 8 years cause he's not emotional and has the worst personality ever and is just a complete douchebag...

My ex told me she kissed him on their first date... I kissed my ex before we started anything so that's nothing to worry about and we got intimate before we started a relationship, i was her first everything, also on the intimate part but she just somehow changed so much after she dumped me, when she dumped me she cried hold my hands, kissed me and stuff like that but a few days after she was cold, distant and just followed what she felt, i thought she was confused or something but then i heard from her mom she was with "just a friend" after we broke up, a friend we both knew for a long time, i always hated the guy cause he's just a pathetic loser with a short fuse....

My ex doesn't understand that those small issues we had after 4 years could have easily be dealt with through communication but she just dumped me like i was nothing and jumped to the new guy, i already told the people around me that if i ever see that guy that it's the last time he breathes, even though it's not really his fault but my ex's fault, he was the one who started chasing my ex while she was with me...

 

And you should go out with other girls, even though it feels like cheating it's not, you are free and i also still love my ex but think about what she has done to you, if you don't go out with other girls you won't heal proper cause your ex will be in your head all day and it hurts like hell, i know but she moved on to someone else and even though it's immature and disrespect on it's most pure, she's doing it and so should you.

If your ex finds out you are seeing other women she may get jealous or may not even care cause you don't owe eachother nothing, but it feels like you owe her the world but remember one thing, you cannot start a new relationship with anyone (including your ex if it happens) before you get over the old one, and that may take a while but when you are with other women it goes alot faster believe me, you will feel like women want you and need you and that will do lot's of good to your ego and selfrespect.

 

Our exes aren't the ones who are depressed or worrying, we are and how would we look in their eyes if we just sit in our rooms all day crying over something that can't be changed cause it already happened?

It's tough and it can only get tougher if we think about it.

 

There is a tantra i keep repeating myself and it gives me alot of power, it goes like this: I accept that i feel ...(*emotion like sad, depressed or angry) but i stay calm and easy cause i feel safe.

 

Whenever i repeat this i feel alot better, you should try it =D

 

You never know what the future brings, one day maybe soon you will find a new mate that is so perfect for you that you will laugh about your last mate...

 

I know my ex was not even near perfect for me but i got used to her, used to our schedule and stuff like that and that's what i miss, she didn't fit in with my friends and family and that after 4 years, whenever i talk with my friend or family about my ex they say that they never really knew who she was, she was with me for 4 years but nobody really got to know her so that's a point for me that we never fit together anyway, remember that family and close friends are more important to put your energy in then an ex who you may not even see again in your life, cause when you put energy in her she is in your mind and she takes control of you and you feel really bad, but when you think about her more on a deeper level you know she's not thinking of you but of her new spouse and even though it hurts, it means she's not worth your time and energy...

 

Keep up the good work and don't contact your ex, she's on a pink cloud and only putting her energy in her own things, don't get caught up in her act...

 

It's not good to live in the past for too long, there is only now and the future and you can make anything of it as long as you stay positive!

[skheehee]

Amen to that, my friend. The only way now is YOUR way. Your future has YOU in it, and what you do now determines YOUR FUTURE.