THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Lindorie]

That's awesome !

 

It's a state of mind everyone should aim for. When I'm seeing my ex next time, I also want it to feel like meeting a new person, discovering if something happened that would make us compatible, and if not, who cares.

Yesterday I finally hooked up with a girl I knew from a few years back again. It was great fun, good girl. Almost 2 weeks of no contact now, and I'm climbing out of my slumber.

 

Thank you!

While meeting new people is definitely a good thing for you, just make sure not to lead them on - no need to tell them all about your ex and so on, just don't make any promises and don't jump into something new because it might take your focus off yourself - the person you should be aiming to make happy right now taking care of yourself does wonders for you and if you meet up with your ex in the future they will notice - I noticed today with mine . Other than that it's true what everyone says - let go of the outcome and believe that whatever happens is the best for you. When you're happy on your own and feel positive about your life it shows and it attracts other people - I'm going by my life as usual, nothing special and suddenly I'm getting tons of date invites from people I never imagined. I bet it will work for everyone else too

[ntAgainPetunia]

Congratulations Lindorie! I hope we can all follow in your footsteps, whether that be relationship-wise or personal growth-wise, preferably both.

[Lindorie]

Congratulations Lindorie! I hope we can all follow in your footsteps, whether that be relationship-wise or personal growth-wise, preferably both.

 

Thank you! Couldn't have done it without this forum though

[Improving123]

Day 3

 

Feeling conflicted. At first I wanted to contact him but then I realized that this is the guy who bugged out on our relationship in my time of need despite the fact that we never really argued and there was no real conflict before my temporary mental breakdown. I understand the circumstances were difficult to handle but at the same, considering all that was said from him, the fact that he just left is baffling. The sudden change of heart doesn't make sense. After this NC month, I'll try speaking with him but if he's non responsive after that I'm moving on with my life, maybe even to a different country.

[blanche]

Day 2 -

 

For some odd reason you're out to hurt me when it was your decision to not continue on with things. You tell me you're sick of the fighting and it has nothing to do with the coworker you're very interested in. She doesn't want a relationship and she's leaving in 2 months so you want to keep me close just in case it doesn't work out with her.

When I stop talking to you, you try and pull me closer. You texted me last night calling me stupid and showing me an old picture of us. You've turned into this bitter, angry person.

I can't believe when I was bawling on the phone you told me to stop crying as if you were mega annoyed with me. When you know I'm not a crier, you know I'm not the type of person who cries.

I'll continue not talking to you. And if you continue texting me and being mean it'll only push me away.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Improving123]

Day 5

 

I feel oddly happy and I feel bad that I feel happy because considering what happened, happiness doesn't make sense. But I spent time with a friend I hadn't seen in a while today and had some good conversation with a counselor so maybe I should be happy. I'm definitely feeling stronger and usually I feel best in the morning and sad at night, but it's night now and I feel fine. I have a plan to contact my ex after the no contact thing and honestly if he's not responsive, I should definitely be able to move on. I was happy with him but just standing back and taking a look at my life, I've been through a hell of a lot worse than this whole break up. Yes it was traumatic in the way it happened but I've been through worse and I've survived. Most if not all of us have suffered something at some point and chances are that you may have been through wore things than the break up you're going through. If you can survive those things, you can survive this.

 

So far so good on this end. I feel sorry for him though. I hope he feels okay because since the break up was kind of done by the both of us in a sense, he might be hurting and I don't want that.

[lje1994]

Day 5

 

I feel oddly happy and I feel bad that I feel happy because considering what happened, happiness doesn't make sense. But I spent time with a friend I hadn't seen in a while today and had some good conversation with a counselor so maybe I should be happy. I'm definitely feeling stronger and usually I feel best in the morning and sad at night, but it's night now and I feel fine. I have a plan to contact my ex after the no contact thing and honestly if he's not responsive, I should definitely be able to move on. I was happy with him but just standing back and taking a look at my life, I've been through a hell of a lot worse than this whole break up. Yes it was traumatic in the way it happened but I've been through worse and I've survived. Most if not all of us have suffered something at some point and chances are that you may have been through wore things than the break up you're going through. If you can survive those things, you can survive this.

 

So far so good on this end. I feel sorry for him though. I hope he feels okay because since the break up was kind of done by the both of us in a sense, he might be hurting and I don't want that.

 

Great to see some progress, keep it up!

[lje1994]

So today would have been 14 days NC today and we broke up 2 maybe 3 months ago.

 

I heard through my step sister her cat had passed away (she adored her cat and meant the world to her) so I got her contact number back off my step sister just to send her a message letting her know that I'm sorry to hear about the cat etc and left it strictly just to that. She did respond just thanking me and I left it at that, but stupidly then went on a social media stalk nothing concerning on there but brought back those feelings!

 

Had done well up to this point and avoided social media and was feeling better about things and starting to not be constantly thinking about what went wrong, back to day 1!

[ntAgainPetunia]

It happens lje, don't beat yourself up for it. Just get back on that horse and ride into the NC sunset

[Improving123]

Day 8 I think

 

Today's a bit harder than other days. He invited me to spend time with him and his extended family for thanksgiving. I want to punch my old self in the face for ruining everything. On the bright side someone just invited me to their birthday party so there's that to look forward to. I'm not sure if counting down the days helps. I think it's best to put the date on a calendar or maybe have it as an alarm on your phone. No one should live life counting down the days to a situation that might lead to better or worse things depending.

[rlhuk]

I think I'll be rejoining the no contact challenge again soon.

 

Things are not going well

[SeanCages]

Why not today?

I'm at day 18 or something like that, and things are really looking up. I haven't been this relaxed or happy in my relationship. The stress of trying everything to make something work not being there anymore is so relieving.

[saluk]

lje1994 - I actually think it's quite classy to break NC for such a reason, as long as she doesn't know you went for a cyberstalk afterward. Get back on the train though, and keep chugging one day at a time.

 

Heh, reminds me of the little engine that could. IthinkIcanIthinkIcan...

 

Sorry to hear that rlhuk. What's happened?

 

Another update from me. Her sister's FB had a tagged update about a holiday thing she did with her sister and her bf. It was cute. I hit 'like.' Yesterday, I shared a funny video, and her bf hit 'like'. Starting to think again about refriending her and moving from NC to LC. It's smaller in my mind when I'm not trying so hard to avoid her actually. When you are so connected to your ex by threads you refuse to cut, while there are times where you need NC - I don't know if it can be a forever thing. I'm just going to go with the flow.

 

This is random, but I found a comment card from some device I bought. It's an interesting card, that says "happy?" on one side, and "not happy?" on the other. I've put it on my desk with the "happy?" side facing forward. When I get up in the morning and look at it, I decide if the answer to that question is yes or not. If the answer is no I will flip the card to the other side. I haven't had to flip it yet

[beanpot]

lje1994 - I actually think it's quite classy to break NC for such a reason, as long as she doesn't know you went for a cyberstalk afterward. Get back on the train though, and keep chugging one day at a time.

 

Heh, reminds me of the little engine that could. IthinkIcanIthinkIcan...

 

Sorry to hear that rlhuk. What's happened?

 

Another update from me. Her sister's FB had a tagged update about a holiday thing she did with her sister and her bf. It was cute. I hit 'like.' Yesterday, I shared a funny video, and her bf hit 'like'. Starting to think again about refriending her and moving from NC to LC. It's smaller in my mind when I'm not trying so hard to avoid her actually. When you are so connected to your ex by threads you refuse to cut, while there are times where you need NC - I don't know if it can be a forever thing. I'm just going to go with the flow.

 

This is random, but I found a comment card from some device I bought. It's an interesting card, that says "happy?" on one side, and "not happy?" on the other. I've put it on my desk with the "happy?" side facing forward. When I get up in the morning and look at it, I decide if the answer to that question is yes or not. If the answer is no I will flip the card to the other side. I haven't had to flip it yet

 

Love that. Keep that card with HAPPY side facing you always

[beanpot]

I think I'll be rejoining the no contact challenge again soon.

 

Things are not going well

 

Sorry to hear friend I hope things can improve... otherwise don't let yourself sink into that pit again too deep. Come out early while you can as soon as you realize things really aren't going to work out. We will all be here!

[beanpot]

Day 8 I think

 

Today's a bit harder than other days. He invited me to spend time with him and his extended family for thanksgiving. I want to punch my old self in the face for ruining everything. On the bright side someone just invited me to their birthday party so there's that to look forward to. I'm not sure if counting down the days helps. I think it's best to put the date on a calendar or maybe have it as an alarm on your phone. No one should live life counting down the days to a situation that might lead to better or worse things depending.

 

Completely with agree your last sentence. Nobody should live life counting down toward an event. We've all done that so much, especially just immediately post-break up because there are things that were planned together, special events, holidays, etc... I found that the easiest way to move past this was when I didn't hear from her on my birthday. Somehow that huge level of disappointment allowed me to move on faster. Try to use those disappointments as a positive force for you to move on.

[beanpot]

Why not today?

I'm at day 18 or something like that, and things are really looking up. I haven't been this relaxed or happy in my relationship. The stress of trying everything to make something work not being there anymore is so relieving.

 

Good on you! Even if you have those days/moments when you feel really down about it (and they will most certainly come up) don't let it worry you. It's a rollercoaster and there will be high points and low points. The goal is to continue to hit higher and higher points : )

[SeanCages]

Yeah, that's one of the reasons I stopped keeping track of how far along I'm at No Contact. It stopped being about getting together a while back. It comes up when it comes up, or not. I actually had a date over today, it was great. I've had so much 'succes' with women in the past (depends on how you define succes though..), but the amount of women I actually took on a date during the daytime, I can easily count on one hand, including my 2 exes, so this is exciting stuff, and it feels like a place I want to be in after maturing during my latest relationship.

[Improving123]

Don't know what day it is but it doesn't matter. I've been reading about the NC thing and one of it goals(though not the only goal) is to maybe have a chance at reconciling the relationship. I'm just not sure about that part anymore. It was my first relationship and it ended pretty terribly and somehow people just expect you to gut your feelings of the person almost immediately. Sure everyone breaks up but everyone also dies. It's not like we tell people who had someone who died in their life to just get over it so why tell people who are losing someone in their life to just get over it. The greater the love, the greater the pain. I don't like how relationships work at all and wish I could go back in time and tell myself to avoid them at all cost. You'd have to be a sociopath, mostly apathetic, or just not too into the relationship in the first place to just get over things like this so quickly.

[blabla]

I´m not counting, but I know that we didn´t talk since his birthday, when we chatted for a few days. So, I can calculate that it´s 19 days NC, for the second time, when I broke it to wish him happy birthday. We had a nice convo, nothing serious, just jokes and he said he will buy me some hat I can´f find anywhere, and then probably send me. I didn´t hear from him since then, and I was completely ok with that.

 

But today, today it´s bad. Really bad. Because I´m still hungover a bit from Satudray. It always happens like that, I drink too much and wake up with a horrible hangover and a terrible feeling, mostly mildly deepresed. And I think about him, and us and I want to cry. And yesterday I was still drunk, and didn´t have time to think a lot, but today is really bad! I´m on brink of crying right now. I´m just hurting when I think how happy I was when we´ve just met and how if we still would be together, we would be making plans for his and then mine birthday, New Year´s, ski trip, traveling etc.

 

I have a lot going on right now, but I´m 27 in less than three weeks, broke up about 2 months ago, did my healing mostly succesfully but I´m so anxious about my future, especially concerning my love life. I´ve never had a relationship for more than 6 months, and I´m scared that I never will. And then I think about him, how he wanted to be together and that if I wanted, we would be right now and it hurts. But fortunately, I also start thinking of all of the times I didn´t feel content and happy with him, and I know that he wasn´t right for me. And it kills me, because I really thought he was when we started, like I´ve finally found my match.

 

It´s so hard, and it especially will be on my birthday, when I´ll probably expect him to wish me a happy birthday and then he doesn´t, because why would he?

 

I thought it only gets better with time (and it really did), but these days of sadness and a bit of depression really makes me feel bad.

[saluk]

Improving123: People who expect you to just not have feelings anymore clearly don't know what you are going through. That's why we have these forums to turn to. The pain of losing a relationship is crap... but part of what makes a relationship valuable IS the fact that it can be lost. Anything that has value has value because it can so easily be taken away. That's the dilemma we all have to deal with, in all of life. I think you will get to the point of wanting to try again. Being your first relationship is a big part I think of why it has been so hard for you. Don't be ashamed for how you feel no matter how other people say you should be.

 

I don't think the most important part of no contact is to have a chance at reconciliation. In most cases, I think that NOT going no contact will ruin whatever chance there may be, but that's about as far as it really goes.

 

You can't go back in time but you can go forward. Keep giving him less and less of your thought-time.

 

Blabla: Oh thinking about the future is the worst. Time helps, but seasons and anniversaries will bring you back. Don't see it as a setback, but as another wave you have to crest. You have a great future ahead once you start feeling more settled. You weren't content, but imagine what that might be like. You can still have that with someone someday - real contentness. Don't fear the future, embrace it!

 

Me: I have had to turn my comment card to not happy one day. I don't remember which day, the past couple weeks have blended together so. Not for any particular reason. I missed church for the third time in a row and it's good I think to not see them. I haven't added on FB, I'm thinking no now. I don't feel very strongly about it to be honest. I think I am just a bit stuck in my life, and the sadness I feel isn't really that related to my ex anymore. I'm trying to figure out what to do next, but have nowhere to go. My job is easy and supports me well enough, so what's next? I mean, besides finding a wife, right? I've been messaging some girls but feeling pretty lackluster about both what's out there and my ability to actually connect with people. I'm pretty happy most of the time being alone. Except for the whole lonely part

[SeanCages]

I feel you.

I have the same, you could call it a quarterlifecrisis. I know what my future holds, how to get there, but I'm finding it hard to put myelf up for a challenge, to actually use the time I have to go after some other goals.

It's an annoying feeling, but it'll pass. I miss my ex, I'm about to enter week 4 of No Contact, she's still with the other guy, so that alright. But she was a goal for me, and I'm having a hard time finding a new one. I'll feel better when holidays come around. Or when I'm finally going home again this weekend after 4 weeks of staying at uni.

[Improving123]

Last night I went out to celebrate a coworkers/friends birthday. One of his friends started talking to me and he told me he was happy that we have a lot of similarities. I can tell that he's interested but my hearts not in the right place. The whole time he was talking, all I could think about was my ex boyfriend. I thought going out might help but it doesn't really(especially considering that it's never been my thing). Right now I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. My break up wasn't over normal circumstances at all and I feel like I really need to talk about what happened with him because all we had was a half-assed conversation on the phone and emotions were high. I'm waiting till the whole no contact period ends. I cried last night for the first in a while(considering). I want to be strong and move on but I can't. It's like the doors half-closed. My friend noticed that I was pretty pensive last night. All I can do is try different coping methods right now.

[SeanCages]

I'm exactly into 1 month No Contact.

 

I had this document about texting your ex back, which I could be applieing right now because I've done everything it told me too. Went on dates, had fun, went No Contact etc.. But I stopped filling out those worksheets the exact moment I started No Contact for reals. It doesn't interest me anymore, I'm not where I want to be, and I'm 100% sure she isn't were I want her to be, leaping into a new relationship instead of working on herself. But I'm in a pickle now though. I still got stuff from her. Calculator, glasses, random stuff I don't really need to give back, but I want it out. And her father is a doctor and I need a prescription for ADD drugs for during the exams. (I actually do have that, but my psych told me he rather waited with prescribing meds, but they've really helped me past year). Anyways, I'm not sure how I should go about asking her those and bringing her stuff back. I don't feel like I've improved enough yet to make an impression or not be lured into an half hour conversation while trading the things. But exams are coming up in a few weeks. So I either try them without the meds, or man up, and find a spot to trade where I actually only have like 5 minutes to do so. I did have the impression when I last met her, that meeting her somewhat sealed the deal, I was sitting next to this girl and wasn't feeling anything. She's different in my memories and in my head offcourse, but a month has passed, and it just feels too obvious to meet at this moment, after 30 days.

 

I'll figure it out, wait a week or 2 longer.

[saluk]

3 weeks off church, 1 week back. I was fully prepared yesterday to have it be my last Sunday there. I just don't want to have to worry about dealing with this stuff anymore. And I've had a couple of rough days emotionally, feeling very alone etc. I basically told God, the night before "OK, unless you change something in me, this is my last day at church"

 

Then I had some pleasant dreams during the night, woke feeling refreshed, and went to church with pretty much no negative emotions and had a great time with all of my friends. Even walking in, her grandparents were randomly there (they live pretty far and have only been there a couple times before). I was kind of wondering if there was going to be an announcement or something (such as an engagement). Even that thought didn't really bother me.

 

I still pretty much kept my distance, but I didn't feel awkward about doing so.

 

So, huh. I dunno. Going to keep playing it by ear, but I feel over it again. Thanks God and thanks for those 3 weeks away. I'm sure there will be more rough days ahead, but I know I can push through.