THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[ntAgainPetunia]

I got this message from my ex via FB earlier this morning. I posted this on my main thread too. I'm honestly not sure what to make of it or how I feel about it. I'm going to assume it's her version of a closure letter and/or no longer angry at me and/or no longer blaming the breakup on me and/or responding to the closure letter I gave her in Sept:

 

"M, I hope you know that it is not your fault. You gave as much of yourself as you could give. And I knew that we had come to a point where we were at risk of giving up way too much of what we individually needed in order to try to stay together. I couldn't ask you to give anymore of yourself; I know that you gave what you could. And I couldn't give up any more of my own self in order to embrace the status quo. I think we both did the best we could. Were there times when either one of us made mistakes or could have done more? Of course. But is there a fault or a blame? Absolutely not. I hope that you know that. I think we both did the best we could. I hope that you are well. Thanks for listening."

[killah]

Nov. 5, 2015

 

NC Day 1.

 

I deleted our 6 month long convo on viber, and FB messages. That's the first step.

My mood today changed from being super sad on the verge of crying, angry, full of love, to being fully in acceptance and faith that I can do it. Emotional rollercoaster!

I CAN DO IT.

And just to let you know that the thing that made me realize I absolutely have to go no-contact were his last words yesterday: "Do something with your friends this weekend".

How dare he give me advice how to move on?? I should be the one to make this decision. Period.

 

P.S. oh and another thing that got me thinking was this movie the Break-Up with Jen Anniston. Watching her character's journey, how devastated she was at the beginning and how happy, healthy-looking and radiant she was at the end really convinced me of what's right.

[beanpot]

I BROKE NO CONTACT. IDIOT.

 

Day 1..................................

 

What happened?

[beanpot]

I got this message from my ex via FB earlier this morning. I posted this on my main thread too. I'm honestly not sure what to make of it or how I feel about it. I'm going to assume it's her version of a closure letter and/or no longer angry at me and/or no longer blaming the breakup on me and/or responding to the closure letter I gave her in Sept:

 

"M, I hope you know that it is not your fault. You gave as much of yourself as you could give. And I knew that we had come to a point where we were at risk of giving up way too much of what we individually needed in order to try to stay together. I couldn't ask you to give anymore of yourself; I know that you gave what you could. And I couldn't give up any more of my own self in order to embrace the status quo. I think we both did the best we could. Were there times when either one of us made mistakes or could have done more? Of course. But is there a fault or a blame? Absolutely not. I hope that you know that. I think we both did the best we could. I hope that you are well. Thanks for listening."

 

That's a tough letter to read. A bitter pill. It indeed sounds like a closure type of email. Part of it might be sad that it is taking away threads of hope. Part of it is good in that it gives you a way, a reason, to move on... How are you holding up.

[beanpot]

Nov. 5, 2015

 

NC Day 1.

 

I deleted our 6 month long convo on viber, and FB messages. That's the first step.

My mood today changed from being super sad on the verge of crying, angry, full of love, to being fully in acceptance and faith that I can do it. Emotional rollercoaster!

I CAN DO IT.

And just to let you know that the thing that made me realize I absolutely have to go no-contact were his last words yesterday: "Do something with your friends this weekend".

How dare he give me advice how to move on?? I should be the one to make this decision. Period.

 

P.S. oh and another thing that got me thinking was this movie the Break-Up with Jen Anniston. Watching her character's journey, how devastated she was at the beginning and how happy, healthy-looking and radiant she was at the end really convinced me of what's right.

 

Welcome It'll be a rollercoaster indeed, but we'll be here.

[ntAgainPetunia]

beanpot, I don't know if this really changes anything or not. Yeah, it reads like she's trying to provide her own version of closure, but I gave her a closure letter six weeks post BU. Knowing her personally, it could really mean any number of things. As far as how I feel now, I don't feel that much different, just a little more puzzled I guess.

[saluk]

ntAgainPetunia: it reads exactly like a closure - for both of you. The purpose is to leave her in the best position to move on, and of course you as well, because she cares enough to not want you to suffer. Not knowing that the contact is going to be confusing to you. You should not be puzzled. She has made it crystal clear that you both tried as hard as you ever could to work out - and it still didn't. She will never want to revisit things any more than this, and you can continue no contact and healing without wondering if there was something you could have done better to keep her around.

 

And you should take it that way, as a positive thing. You aren't meant for each other - but you are a good person, and if you try as hard as you did with her with the right person, you will have success.

 

-------------------------------

 

I've been poking around the net again. Not sure why. It's not really making me feel bad exactly - but there hasn't been much to find. I am finding it a bit strange that there is only ONE photo of the two of them together anywhere on the net. And that's the photo of them 2 weeks after they met that was posted on the relationship status update. I'm beginning to come to terms with her with this guy. But it's odd. She has had a fairly low social media profile for the last few weeks, he's been posting quite a bit, but they don't post about each other. He doesn't like her posts and she doesn't like his; or at least not very often. My ego says that all of those posts are tagged as friends only - her knowing that as a non-friend I won't be able to see it. But... she doesn't really strike me as the kind of person who would do that. It's a little too thoughtful, haha. If she IS doing it for my sake, I guess... thanks?

 

I need to go read some of my previous posts where I said I was done with this nonsense. Ok. I'm done with this nonense. I'm going to bed and getting up tomorrow a happy single man again.

[Lindorie]

My update...

 

We were together for 1,5 years, pretty much lived together etc. we broke up around 4 months ago and the split was mutual at the time. Last few months of our relationship were hard because life got in the way and we didn't deal with it until there was too much (he was busy and stressed and I was going through some family hard times). I'll also admit I had a case of gigs (but did nothing about them!) and doubts because I felt neglected. Anyway, we met up a week after the split to talk and I suggested that we try to work things out but he lost his initial crush (as did I to be honest) and wanted to just stay friends. I agreed and we took it easy, LC and seeing each other once in a while. Eventually the 'dates' got quite regular and he started to bring out (mention etc) past memories so I confronted him and he made some stupid excuse (he has a problem with being direct about his thoughts and feelings) so I've decided I had enough and told him we should stop seeing each other so I can focus on myself. He told me to take my time but three days later decided to attend an event I already confirmed on my fb (which he could see and it was also kind of a big event for us since we met there for the first time two years ago). After a month we've seen each other there and I was doing fine - I was there with my friends, he came with his. We hugged and chatted for a bit, then I turned my attention back to my company. He could see me having fun and being good on my own and I really was so it was a nice night One weird thing was that I kept bumping into him alone without his friends and where me and mine hung out. I told him we can make coffee plans in time, then went back to having a good time.

 

Anyway, a few days later I sent him a friendly text to open the lines of comminication again (since that was the deal we've made) and we exchanged a few messages, when I bumped into him on the street unexpectedly. He hugged me and after a few sentences he started on the coffee plans we mentioned and we agreed to meet up next week.

 

In that month of mine I was really working on myself - for myself - and came to the stage where I'm okay with whatever happens. I'm open to the posibilities, but the initiative would have to come from him and if it doesn't, I'm quite enjoying being single and able to do the things that make me happy. I am curious about this new development so...any thoughts?

[ntAgainPetunia]

Saluk, others, I agree that the message was her way of closure on her end. The reasoning or rationale behind it, who knows. I do find it interesting that originally it was essentially my fault we broke up and now it's no one's fault. Perhaps she's letting go of resentments. Perhaps she's seen second hand through mutual FB friends that I'm having an awesome life without her (concerts, travel, lots of new friends). In any case, it really doesn't change a thing. We were broken up before the message, we're still broken up afterward. If anything, she's opened up a little and sent a non-superficial message. You don't do that if you don't care.

 

So, I continue on down the path that I'm going. My response back: "I agree with you that our relationship had hit a dead end and that the status quo was not working. It's better that it ended when it did instead of dragging on and causing any more damage. If you'd ever like to talk or just grab a tasty beverage let me know. In any case, I wish you nothing but the best in your life!"

 

The ball is in her court now. We'll see if she ever decides to run with it.

 

My therapist and I are working on a 'closure' letter of my own (perhaps to be sent to S). None of that weak, pansy-a** language that S sent (and she's an English teacher!)

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

Lindorie, I would be cautiously optimistic if I were you! Keep doing what you are doing, it's working wonders for you. I don't know your ex, so I don't know if putting all of the initiative on him is the correct thing to do. You might have to read subtle clues and either take some initiative or nudge him into it. Whatever you do, slow and steady, and keep on living your life for you.

[Lindorie]

ntAgainPetunia thank you for your thoughts! focusing on your own happiness, even if it is damn hard in the beginning, should work wonders for anyone and also helps you stop obsessing. as you said, I am cautiously optimistic but at the same time also fine being on my own, probably for the first time in my life reading this forum helped me a lot too I'll listen to your advice and see how things between us go, being direct with him probably wouldn't work so maybe a nudge here and there if he shows more interest...

 

As far as your situation goes, I think that was her closure on the past you two had, which can be hard to hear but at the same time also means that she's letting go of the resentments and bad feelings. It may not be enough for a second chance and I can't really tell since I don't know her, but I do know that I wouldn't send a message like that to someone I don't care about on some level

[saluk]

Of course she cares. But I don't see how she could have been any clearer that she doesn't think you two could ever work. If she blamed you, than that means that there would be a chance - if you could fix what you did wrong, then maybe it could work out. If she did something wrong, then she could work on that and you could have a chance. The way she frames it, it's like the break up was meant to be. That's pretty much the opposite of what you want to see in a potential reconciliation.

 

We always complain to not get closure, but then we miss it when it is staring us in the face. This is the best closure you are likely to get. Who knows, there may be a chance in the future to reconnect, but it's a big risk. I've had many of these kinds of little "encounters" with my ex, and all it has done is to help keep me from detaching, and fully being ready to move on. There was a texting session a few months after breakup where she was telling me she wasn't ready to be friends because it was too hard. With my emotions the way I read it was that she was still on the fence about how she felt about me and whether she made the right decision. But when i read the text again later while deleting my message history, it didn't read that way at all. It was more that she was uncomfortable with the way that I was still feeling towards HER. So beware of reading into anything here.

[killah]

DAY 2.

 

So a lot has happened today.

 

Last night I had an epiphany. I analyzed my past relationships, all 5 of them. And...they all come back. In one form or another, but all guys I was ever involved with, they waltzed back into my life months or years later. So why would this one be an exception? He won't. And I'm not saying that this rule is universal and applies to everyone, but it is what happens in my life. I also understood that the worst part is over. The break-up is the worst that could have happened in our relationship, and I've lived through those days, I've survived. He can't hurt me anymore. My third thought was: I'm just such an amazing human being, and sooner or later he will realize that it's definitely his loss, not mine. I'm just done being miserable.

 

Now to the second part. When I decided to go no-contact, I didn't announce it to my ex, because I thought I was doing it for myself not for him to know. But today he initiated contact because apparently he wants to be friends or friendly, whatever. He asked me how I was doing, and I replied 5 hours later that I don't think we should continue talking to each other. "I'm not ready to be friends. Please give me space and time to heal. I told you what I want, and you made it clear that you don’t want the same thing, so I just need to keep living and be happy. And when I feel good and strong again maybe we will be friends if that’s how we feel then." And he replied: "okay. I agree". So that's done.

I feel amazing, I'm very proud of myself and feel empowered, in control. Now, I feel this way because when he decided to break up, I couldn't control anything, I felt like helpless fish, unable to do a damn thing to change his mind. This is the only decision, which is mine and I own it.

I guess telling him this, put an end to any uncertainty left between us. At this point, I really don't care what he does next.

I don't consider that I broke no-contact. I didn't initiate contact, he did and he got the reply he deserved.

[ntAgainPetunia]

Well, only time will tell what ultimately happens, but I'm still optimistic yet grounded.

 

For example, just a few minutes ago I got an FB notification from her. I had just set up a Twitter account (finally joining the 2010s), followed a few people (not her) and tweeted my first tweet ("To any Morlocks reading this in the distant future: sorry about the Eloi, my bad.") Nothing to do with anyone or anything, just me being dorky.

 

Anyhow, she messaged me "So, social media is a weird thing. I get a notification on my phone that you have tweeted your first tweet. Seriously, how does Twitter even connect us? Anyway. Um, congrats? Let me know if you figure out Twitter because I don't get it."

 

Update: she also sent this message a couple of minutes later "Thanks for responding to my message. I'm not sure how we build a friendship, if that's what you are thinking...I don't know. I don't know how to have a conversation about any of anything. I'd like to be friends, at some point, but i don't know if that's something we can figure out how to do. And I sure as hell don't want either one of us to be in any more emotional pain."

 

She sounds conflicted and guarded, which I don't blame her one bit. Honestly, I don't want to jump right back into a relationship either, I'd rather take things slowly and see.

 

Interesting days ahead...

[killah]

DAY 3.

 

An ok day. I stayed at home all day, but meeting my friends tomorrow.

Good memories of the past get into my mind and stir some sudden pain but I'm trying not hold on to them.

Googled a lot about how "dumpers" feel after BU. Coming to accept that we probably will never be together again but maybe we will be friends.

Yesterday before I announced my NC, he told me that he was gonna bring some cake to work and will save a piece for me. So looking forward to that piece of cake juz kidding.

[ntAgainPetunia]

killah, I won't lie, there are going to be some very rough days ahead. In my case, just knowing that made it easier to get through them when they happened. Also, don't hold back your emotions, they're there to help you process things. You'll move on more quickly if you embrace that.

 

More on my own situation here in a bit. Interesting days have already started

[killah]

ntAgainPetunia, thank you! I wanna believe that my roughest days are over because we broke up a little bit over a month ago, it's just that we kept talking non-stop until 3 days ago.

Let us hear about "Interesting days have already started"

[ntAgainPetunia]

Interesting evening after I posted...

 

After S sent her friendship message we joked around a little and I mentioned something about FB.

S Well, I don't see what you post on facebook, so maybe you've changed your ways.[/i]"

Me: "well, if you want to look..." (and I sent her a friend request)

S: "Are you sure? Why the change of heart?"

Me: "because I have no animosity toward you and my life is going in a positive direction"

 

An hour later...

S: "Here's the thing: I don't know if I'm strong enough to have the conversations. This year has been incredibly hard, and I have no idea where I am. I'm trying to find myself and my footing. I'm starting with a therapist. I started meds. I'm trying to figure out how to be who I need to be and how I need to be and how to be enough for me. There's some truth for ya. So, I am afraid. To have any sort of conversation."

Me: "The most important thing is that you work on you. There is no rush to have deep emotionally draining talks, though that might have to happen at some point. FWIW, the biggest issue in my life has been fear, and I'm also working with a therapist on that. I think I get where you are coming from. I'm confident you will find your footing!"

 

A little while after that

S: "I think I have to figure out how to be alone. I've always been so desperate to be loved. I just have to figure out how to do that on my own. How to be enough for me. And how, to be good with being alone. and sometimes I'm OK. And sometimes I can't breathe. Thanks for listening."

 

And then as I was getting ready for bed we had a few more light-hearted joking messages to each other.

 

So, my take is that this is all positive. If (and yes, I know it's only an if), we were to ever get together again, we'd both have put work into ourselves. If we don't, I'm still happy she's trying to take care of herself and I know I'll be fine. We'll see what happens. I'll stay in LC and let her guide our interactions.

 

Does this mean I have to leave the NC Challenge?

[saluk]

ntAgainPetunia: Erm, it sounds like she wants you to leaver her alone. Keep up the no contact challenge and let her find herself. Maybe after, she will come back a new person who is actually able to be with you. And maybe by then you will both have become new awesome people who actually no longer need or belong with each other.

 

I see some of my ex in yours, although who knows because everybody is different. But we had similar conversations about the difficulty of being friends. She still never reversed the decision, and now, 3 years afterward, has finally found someone else to date. I don't think she really did learn how to be alone, and has taken up with him as another security blanket... kind of like she used me. I worry that they aren't going to last long, and he's going to be hurt by her, and she's going to become depressed again at yet another thing she really expected to work out and be the answer falling apart. All of the friendship, the dialog we have had, the funny little encounters, have amounted to me holding on a lot longer than I should have. It doesn't mean your situation is the same, but since you are so early on, I would really recommend giving no contact a bigger shot. I think if I had not waited so long to really commit to it that I might have gotten over things quicker and ACTUALLY gotten to a place where we COULD be friends and hang out at church, without so many awkward ties to the past. But who knows. You gotta do what you gotta do in the end.

 

Anyway... I will probably see her tomorrow. I skipped church last week because I didn't feel like running into her, and it turns out she didn't go anyway. Just going to keep reminding myself I don't need this nonsense, and there is a better girl out there for me. I actually imagined us talking while I was walking somewhere, and I went through a bunch of scenarios. I really come to a full realization that there is no positive benefit that can ever come from us talking to each other. Now or ever, really. Every scenario in my head, no matter how I approached it or what I said, ends in either tears or awkwardness. And I've really had enough with that. So I'm going to keep no contact, for now, and forever.

 

Well, just after I go check her facebook page one more time...

 

I'm such an idiot.

[Tind]

Hi i would like to start this challenge i am on day 12 of no contact with my ex ..he had promised to move back in with me but at the last minute he changed his mind ..i believe he had no intention of moving in but was string me along..we spoke twice since he dropped the bomb on me..and its beeb 12 days since...i had been tempted a few times but i pushed through without doing it..i have been up and down with my feelings and thoughts but i am determined to never contact him again ..but i did text him 12 days ago to not be afraid to call me sometimes.. It might have been wrong but whats done is done..i havent heard from him since

 

He is a stubborn man and i will be suprise if i do here from him..he is manipulative too and i am determine not to make him manipulate me

[hopeparis]

Hey guys, I'm on day 10 of no contact but he's in my class in college and and share the same group of six friends... Should I completely ignore him ? (knowing that I want us to get back together down the road)

[ntAgainPetunia]

Hopeparis, that's a tough one. If you blatantly ignore him, especially around your group, that can come across as rude and immature. But you certainly don't want to give him attention either. If you can, nonchalance around him would be best. And of course NC when you aren't around each other.

 

Tind, never again is a long time. I try not to use the words never and always, as few things really are never or always. I think it will be easier for you to maintain NC if you think of it as small steps: NC today, for the rest of the week, NC for the rest of the month, etc.

 

Saluk, I hope today wasn't too hard for you. As far as my situation, she is definitely not acting like "leave me alone." She went through and liked a bunch of my recent FB statuses last night, started a light conversation about a bathroom renovation picture I posted and just two minutes ago asked if I wanted a bowl of tomatillos from her garden. I should probably respond at some point

[ntAgainPetunia]

OK, she is going to drop off the tomatillos at my house sometime after six (her idea). Guess I'd better clean a bit

[killah]

DAY 4

 

I barely thought about him today. I spent time with my friends, and it was very distracting.

I'm feeling better. I asked myself a question: Do you want him back?, and imagined us getting back together BUT then breaking up again after a short while. And then I asked myself a second question: do you really believe he is the one and you will never ever break up again? My answer was no. And since it's a no, I'm not ready to go through the pain of breaking up with him again.

This calmed me down, as well as my illusions of getting back together are maybe, partially gone.

[saluk]

I seen ntAgainPetunia. The words do say that. But the actions are different.

 

Today was hard The new guy unprompted came and chatted with me before church. It wasn't a group situation, he saw me working the booth and came to say hi. He is fun to talk to... but emotions. I still don't know if he knows "who I am" so to speak. Anyway, it put me off guard to where I was really upset to see them hanging on each other later. I try not to look, but I'm running the camera and seeing everything that's going on. He seems like he might be interested in running camera - I may see if I can get him on the team. I'm going to ask him next week. If we had more people on the team, I would feel better about potentially leaving, as it is everyone is wearing many hats and kind of overworked. Wouldn't it be something for the person causing me pain to be my ticket out of it!

 

No contact is great when I can get it. I was feeling pretty good yesterday!

[hopeparis]

Thanks Petunia. Yes, it's incredibly hard. I've made the mistake of ignoring him when I left on Friday. I'm working on that, but it's really hard because it makes all these memories reappear (in France to say goodbye you have to kiss people on both cheeks). I'm trying to avoid being around him as much as possible, but I'm slowly feeling like I'm losing my friends because of that, since I see them less.

 

It's been 15 days today since we broke up, but 11 days of real no contact since I contacted him on day 3 and 4 to exchange some stuff.

 

I'm also afraid the NC won't make him miss me as he sees my in school everyday... he hasn't contacted me since the breakup. I feel so anxious