THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Fame1977]

Well, I have already contacted you twice. The first to see if you were ok, and the next to see if you wanted to break the NC rule that I set. I feel lousy. The one last night about the NC, was stupid, I was just so excited to talk to you again. But then you didn't text back. At all. So, I guess I get that point. Unless it was a mistake. I'm sorry. I really am. So, I left my phone at home. I am not sure what would be worse at this point, you texting, or you not texting. I miss you. A lot. A lot more than that.

You are the first person I want to tell about anything, and everything. You were the shoulder I leaned on. I'm not sure why I put you on such a pedestal. After you've been there for me so many times. This whole situation is just terrible, and I feel terrible as well.

You were my best friend, before we even dated, making it worse.

[Aaron Hodges]

I really wish there was some way she could know how much she has hurt me.

 

To have your first love, girlfriend of three years, living partner for 1 year, emotionally cheat on me for months with another guy and then run off with him... I've never experienced such an awful mixture of emotions. I've never hurt this much. I've never been so overwhelmed.

[pisces302]

Day 4.

 

It’s been just over a month since our break-up. I’ve had to restart NC many times this month but this one is for real….we exchanged some texts on the weekend and it just illustrated further that he is not the person I thought he was.

 

Yesterday was the first day I felt at peace, all day. Truly. The anxiety in my chest has passed. I know it's over. It’s a relief to let go and not hold on to him or to hope. To truly say after all the pain he caused me he will not get another chance with me and believe it is very empowering. I spent the first month after the break-up praying he would come back.

 

The fact he is also seeing someone new is just ‘fuel for the fire’ as it seems so absurd that it’s almost comical. To go from talking about having babies with me to dating someone new within weeks shows his emotional immaturity to me.

 

I am done wasting my time on him. I spent the past year and a half loving him unconditionally, taking care of him, thinking about him and now it's time to take care of me and find someone who will love me unconditionally. He left me last January to explore reconciling with his ex-wife and I took him back then, forgave him and loved him more than ever. When things got tough in our relationship, he didn’t love me more he walked away.

 

Some things that have helped me get to where I am today….which is on the mend, feeling a little less pain each day and hopeful for the future.

 

Maybe they will help you…

 

Keeping busy (NOT looking at old texts, photos, and just removing him from my mind when he passes through)

My friends (you’ll be shocked at who’s had their heartbroken beyond comprehension and is there for you even if you haven’t seen them in years)

Running (natural endorphins)

Volunteering in the roughest part of town (puts things in perspective)

Knowing and truly believing it will be better with someone else. (this took a while)

Letting go: 'Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.' Eckhart Tolle

‘Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge’ -Tolle

 

My personal anthem these days. Best thing I never had, Beyoncé.

 

Also enjoying, forever by HAIM.

[Faye Ferido]

Hi everyone I am newbie here. I am struggling after break up. I still miss my ex a lot. I read here about the NC. I tried NC for 45 days now but I still check on my ex's FB and the pictures. She seems happy and enjoying with her new lover. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Lovebug]

Day 23

I am still not feeling better about the break up, but I am getting better at keeping busy. Have restarted dancing lessons, made new friends and reconnected with old ones. Most of the time I feel like it is all a charade and I feel tired of pretending to be ok, I still don't think I could handle seeing him as I know he would be able to see straight through the facade. I am glad that I told him that it would be best if we didn't contact each other as I know that I'd have been too weak not to reply to anything he sent and so I would probably have been hurting even more than I am right now. Found out yesterday that he has started training for a half marathon and his training route is literally a 10k loop round where I live (it is the route of a 10k fun race that we did together back in May). It is hard knowing that you pass so close to me and have said that you don't have any problem seeing me, I just know that it is far too early for me to see you, I may never be ready, and really what is the point if you no-longer feel the same way... I'd just end up crying and push you further away

[DreamySkies]

Hi everyone... wish I would have found this forum earlier.

 

I am 9 weeks post BU and 8 days NC. We were together for 27 months prior to the breakup and had been living together with my child for 16 months. There was no cheating involved. We just fought, a lot. Of course about the little stuff and I'm embarrassed to admit but 90% of it was because of me. I was sabotaging the relationship, and I had no idea. I still don't think I truly understand what I was doing and why. I'm learning though. As much as I am devastated about the BU, I really hope I can come out on the other end with a better me and of course, with him.

 

Due to the living situation and some health issues that were confirmed the week of our break up, it really delayed the healing/breaking up. He did move out the day he broke up with me, but it was about 6 weeks until we were out of the lease. We were in almost daily contact the first 8 weeks post BU, and he spent a few weekends with me to help out. As in I couldn’t even walk to a bathroom without assistance, type of help. Absolutely no intimacy since BU outside hugs and we would sleep in my bed and I would cuddle into him and vice versa. Not even so much as a kiss. I didn’t realize it now but I was just hurting myself more. It would always feel good to have him there to help me, and I needed the help, but then he’d leave and it would feel 100x worse than the time before.

 

During the initial week of the breakup he was adamant that this was it and final and no chance in the future. The second week he was more open to the “what if’s” after some space and in the future. Saying the typical, “no one knows what the future holds,” crap. I do believe moving out and giving space was ultimately the best for us. However, I don’t feel we needed to break up. We talked a few times about down the road, and he’d always say, wait until you’re on the other side of your health issue to have this discussion. I was finally on the “other side” of my health issue nearly two weeks ago, in which I asked him to have that talk. Due to his approaching birthday (which he invited me to), time was limited and he was swamped. So the entire conversation went down through text, with a follow up call that evening. In short, as of last Wednesday we went NC. He feels (as do I) that the only chance of being successful at anything in the future, is if we give each other space. He still insisted I could join for his birthday. I declined and I didn’t show up. Even though it was super difficult.

 

I truly feel I need this time to work on issues that I am only realizing about myself post break up. Being able to take a step back I do see where I was wrong, often. I’m not saying he was perfect, as we both have our flaws. What I’m not comfortable with, yet, is letting go. When we talked about NC, I told him I didn’t know what to expect. How long do we go? I had the number 5 months in my head, but his response of at least a month, caught me off guard. I would have expected him to say a year, considering how the text conversation had gone down and everything else. So I felt a bit of comfort in his “timeframe”. He tried to tell me that the decision was his in regards to us getting back together, because I wanted this. There is truth in that, but I made it clear that with the “soul searching” I was determined to do, I may very well not want this anymore myself. It’s only been 8 days, but for now, I am still confident this is what I want. I’m just more aware of what I can’t have happen again between us, to get back into it, i.e. the fighting/bickering.

 

ALL this being said… this is where I am confused. We went NC Wednesday night, last week. Later that same night I made a post on FB and he “liked” it. Thursday night he texts me, “apologizes to break the silence but my dad had emailed him and wanted to come to town and that he hoped I was doing well”. I am not talking to my dad regarding his choices during my health issue, and so he just “wanted to let me know”. Saturday morning, his birthday, he texted me “My dad was in town”. Sunday evening he sent me a facebook message saying pretty much that he “hoped my son and I was doing good. Restating my dad was in town and that I hope all was good”. Shortly after his mother texted me too. I had been in contact with his mom after the BU as we had decided to remain in touch. Once the decision to go NC was made, I advised him that I would not be talking to his mom because it wasn’t fair. He agreed. However, he had used his mother the weekend prior as a middle man. I only found out later, because his mom texted me back on accident (or not so accident) what she was meant to text him, confirming she had made contact. I didn’t respond to his mothers text on Sunday.

 

I’m so torn up about the contact, as part of me assures myself it was only because of my dad’s email and later arrival in town. The other part of me thinks it was him using any means to remain in contact. I didn’t respond to any of the messages. So I am 8 days in. I still want to grow and be a better person out of this but it’s so difficult right now to not think about him and how important he is to me. Hence, I’m feeling so super vulnerable and wanting to reach out. Maybe, just maybe, we have better odds at reestablishing our relationship because there wasn’t any cheating and for the most part we are on good terms and don’t hate each other. It’s the voices in my head, my ego, that has me so concerned he’ll move on or not miss me the way I hope he does. Then is the whole what after NC? Do I reach out, do I wait for him… I truly needed/wanted NC for my own sanity and growth… but I can’t help but not think about him and the life we shared.

[LilSprout]

Day 17

 

Found myself thinking of him a lot today. Still very tempting to check his FB profile and I keep debating adding him back on Steam. But I haven't and I won't.

 

But just got to keep reminding myself there is no point. At the very least there are things I want to change/achieve in my life before attempting any contact (if I feel I really must), nothing has changed, not really or not enough that I can actually show him. Likewise, he has made no effort to contact me, I would hope he is growing.

 

Additionally still hoping he comes to his senses and leaves this girl soon. I hate seeing him with such a destructive person but it's his own bed he's making I suppose.

[stillgrieving]

Day 26..

 

still sucking... but understanding that the breakup had to happen in order for things to change. there was no way of compromising anymore than i already did.

[sadbutrue]

Day 23

 

...I guess he will never regret

[PearlHarbor]

Day 2 (would have been day 5 if I didn't do the accidental on purpose skype message pretending to skype a colleague. He did respond 'this must be for someone else' and I said yes, sorry my eyes are still recovering from surgery. He responded "no worries, it's always nice to see your 'voice'. I didn't respond to that.

 

I just blocked him from FB and skype today. A very difficult thing. While there is no digital contact, he's all in my head. I've had imaginary conversations with him if I do hear from him (They go something like "I dont want to hear from you unless you have admitted a very big mistake in choosing to explore your feelings for your ex, along with a huge apology. You don't get to just check in on me as your friend. I'm not your friend. You hurt me too deep.)

 

The blocking and reading of these posts can help. I know it. I need to add to my empowerment.

[Kinderblut]

Day 1

 

Thanks to royally screwing up and answering a call from my ex, I'm back from day 5 to zero again. Exactly one month today since she broke with me. I'm still hurting a little, especially in the morning, but I'm managing to stay focused throughout the day, without really caring too much.

 

I still get dreams about her, however, which really throws me into a loop.

 

I'll keep this updated often, as I think it'll help.

[stillgrieving]

Day 30!

 

I've completed the 30 day challenge! How do I feel? I feel more at peace. Its been about a month and a half since our breakup. I am more in control of my emotions and my feelings. It is still hard to accept that it is over. I feel like we're still not done yet. Like there's still more to say or resolve and work out. I understand that our relationship couldn't keep continuing the way it was and it had to change. I'm hoping that our time apart has forced him to think about the things he needs to change for our relationship to work, that is if its worth it to him. I don't feel the urge to contact him but I do wonder what he is thinking, if he's thinking about me, or thinking about relationship. Guess I will continue NC and see how I feel at 60 days..

[spr]

Day 1 - Pre-show pep talk

 

I absolutely accept this challenge.

 

I sent you my final text 7 hours ago - an open ended message, and I will not know what or if you reply because I A)put you on the reject list, B) deleted both your numbers and C)I'm leaving my phone at home today. The next step is to delete your email addresses. I am grateful you don't have any social media so I don't stalk you all the time. This is a good thing. I find that I want to text you when there is a lull at work, I start to think and rationalise, and want to talk to you to get things out of my system or just vent about something totally unrelated to our relationship because that's what we were-people who listened to each other. Instead I'm going to post here and often. So so often. When I feel like giving in, I'll post here.

 

Now I'm going to put some music on and get ready for work.

[Fame1977]

I'm trying to go NC. It's so hard. I don't know if you've moved on with him or not. Or if there is someone else or not. It was kind of frustrating not really getting a goodbye answer from you. But I didn't want to push you further. Instead, you gave me that vague answer, now, I don't think it means you wanted to fight for us anymore. Because you kept giving the same answer you've always given. I'm lost. I feel lost without you. I'm serious. I went by advice and am doing the NC route, I'm not even sure it's the right path to take. I think we were meant for each other. I mean that, with every ounce of my heart. So maybe if you figure it out, we'll get another chance.

[Kinderblut]

I'm trying to go NC. It's so hard. I don't know if you've moved on with him or not. Or if there is someone else or not. It was kind of frustrating not really getting a goodbye answer from you. But I didn't want to push you further. Instead, you gave me that vague answer, now, I don't think it means you wanted to fight for us anymore. Because you kept giving the same answer you've always given. I'm lost. I feel lost without you. I'm serious. I went by advice and am doing the NC route, I'm not even sure it's the right path to take. I think we were meant for each other. I mean that, with every ounce of my heart. So maybe if you figure it out, we'll get another chance.

 

You come to realise after a while, that only by NC can she ever truly decide. Be strong.

[DreamySkies]

Day 12 - I've made it to double digits.

 

The weekend was horrible. All week long I tell myself that the weekend will be easier, I can do whatever I want. Then the weekend arrives and I feel empty. Then I start telling myself how going back to work will make it easier. Wash and repeat.

 

The thing that bothers me most right now is that I know we will talk again. There's unfinished business that needs to be taken care of regarding the ashes of our son, who we lost in the second trimester, and which I asked him to take when he moved out. So I know we will talk again someday. My friends say in a few months it won't be difficult and I'll be able to "reach out" and communicate how we will handle that. Sounds like pure torture to me, whether today or a few months from now.

 

I find myself telling telling myself how our breakup is different, and that our relationship was different, and that increases the odds of him contacting me first. Yet he's the one who broke it off with me. Moved out. And refused my requests every other time. It's like I hold on to any bit of comfort to make the magnitude of this breakup just a little less painful. I want us back, but I want it when we're both in a better place. I can't return to a relationship similar to the one he walked away from. I can't handle the fighting. I was his longest girlfriend, and with that, the one he has loved the most (if he ever loved any of the others?). So I find comfort in thinking that has to mean something. But he's still quiet. That said, it's only been 12 days and I'm still not particularly comfortable with my own thoughts, so how could I expect him to be at a place to reach out and risk even me rejecting him.

[spr]

Day 1 - 8:07pm

 

Full report due tomorrow. I've been great so far. Keeping myself busy always helps, keen to see how I fair when it mellows. Will be back in the morning to tell if I survived the night.

[hrdcore1337]

I did my first month yesterday and reached out saying the door was open if she ever wanted to talk much more control of my emotions then i was in september and december.

 

She responded and we had a funny short conversation like the good old days, no drama just fun.

 

Just gonna continue LC to see if she changes her mind, if not, im happy with either outcome. I feel much more indifferent to having to hear from her so often now.

 

I feel the loves still there though, but I'm not gonna rush it or have high expectations also talking to this other sexy lady.

[Kinderblut]

I managed to survive last night, although I didn't get to sleep until about 2:00 AM.

I've signed up for the gym, so I'll be going for my induction around 5:00 PM. I'll probably be signing up for volunteering today too.

 

I've come to realise, that if I played the same role as she did in what is essentially my entire school life and shaping of my character (ie, knew eachother at 2 years old, dated for entirety of upper school), that she might not be able to function without me after a certain point. But I guess that's just wishful thinking.

 

I give it 30 days, and by that point I know I'll be ready to move on. I know I'll be grounded enough emotionally by then.

[MisSunny]

I'm not really counting anymore, and I'm only posting because I had a dream that really bothered me. In this dream, I accidentally found out he had a new girlfriend, and what's worse, I cared. I'm sinking back into apathy about it now that I'm awake, but I still feel bothered... Gross.

[Monkey ai]

I did my first month yesterday and reached out saying the door was open if she ever wanted to talk much more control of my emotions then i was in september and december.

 

She responded and we had a funny short conversation like the good old days, no drama just fun.

 

Just gonna continue LC to see if she changes her mind, if not, im happy with either outcome. I feel much more indifferent to having to hear from her so often now.

 

I feel the loves still there though, but I'm not gonna rush it or have high expectations also talking to this other sexy lady.

 

good for you!

[guychris14]

Day 28....

 

And I feel so much calmer, and ready to move on...yes if it crosses my mind it hurts, hey being dumped is awful, but this NC has worked wonders....on day 1 I de-friended her on fb and cut all other ties, not easy to do but an essential part of my healing.

Its my birthday tomorrow and I wonder if ill here anything....how will I feel?

Ill keep you all updated.

[spr]

Day 2

 

I made it through last night. Although does it count if I took him off the reject list on my phone momentarily? Anyways, struggling not to email him this morning. At work and the temptation keeps creeping back.

[spr]

Failed. Emailed him. Does this make me human.

[DreamySkies]

Failed. Emailed him. Does this make me human.

Yes, yes, it does. I haven't reached out because I'm afraid I only have one true chance to do this right. Love isn't suppose to be so fragile. I admit though, I wore him (my guy) thin by so much drama. I truly don't believe love is suppose to have so many rules. However, you can only lead a horse to the water....