pisces302

Day 19 It gets easier, especially when they reach out to you and you don’t respond! Ha. He messaged me last Friday, "hope your doing well. I know you said not to contact you but i hope your doing well." I got to laugh at his use of your vs you're and had nothing to say back. He also reached out to my best friends husband on that day too. We think he’s feeling nostalgic. We all ignored him. And thanks for respecting my boundaries. Today's message was a bit harder to refrain from replying to. I removed him as a friend on facebook. We were never friends and probably won’t be friends so it just seemed easier for me. I was also NOT posting things on Facebook as I didn’t want him to know what was going on in my life. So this morning he messages "so we're not friends anymore?" Um...there were 1000 things I wanted to say back but none of them were nice nor would they have led to a conversation that I would feel good about so i just ignored him. Anyway, it does get easier! I wouldn’t have believed myself a month ago but it does. I remind myself that he isn't the person i thought he was nor a person to build a life with.

Day 4. It’s been just over a month since our break-up. I’ve had to restart NC many times this month but this one is for real….we exchanged some texts on the weekend and it just illustrated further that he is not the person I thought he was. Yesterday was the first day I felt at peace, all day. Truly. The anxiety in my chest has passed. I know it's over. It’s a relief to let go and not hold on to him or to hope. To truly say after all the pain he caused me he will not get another chance with me and believe it is very empowering. I spent the first month after the break-up praying he would come back. The fact he is also seeing someone new is just ‘fuel for the fire’ as it seems so absurd that it’s almost comical. To go from talking about having babies with me to dating someone new within weeks shows his emotional immaturity to me. I am done wasting my time on him. I spent the past year and a half loving him unconditionally, taking care of him, thinking about him and now it's time to take care of me and find someone who will love me unconditionally. He left me last January to explore reconciling with his ex-wife and I took him back then, forgave him and loved him more than ever. When things got tough in our relationship, he didn’t love me more he walked away. Some things that have helped me get to where I am today….which is on the mend, feeling a little less pain each day and hopeful for the future. Maybe they will help you… Keeping busy (NOT looking at old texts, photos, and just removing him from my mind when he passes through) My friends (you’ll be shocked at who’s had their heartbroken beyond comprehension and is there for you even if you haven’t seen them in years) Running (natural endorphins) Volunteering in the roughest part of town (puts things in perspective) Knowing and truly believing it will be better with someone else. (this took a while) Letting go: 'Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.' Eckhart Tolle ‘Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge’ -Tolle My personal anthem these days. Best thing I never had, Beyoncé. Also enjoying, forever by HAIM.

Hmmm I think I need to go back to Day 1 starting tomorrow. I texted him earlier this week regarding removing him from my home insurance. I didn’t think this was breaking NC as I needed his signature, however, he asked how things were going, instead of just replying fine I confided in him about my best friend’s miscarriage. I was having some trouble dealing with it, wanted to call him immediately (didn’t) and he had known she was pregnant (very few people did.) I also didn’t want him to bump into her and ask her about it. Then today he’s been texting about his mail and if he left a piece of ID here. I replied one-liners but he followed up by asking how my friend was doing. It’s my own fault for telling him about my friend but I think I will re-start the no contact again tomorrow. I am annoyed he is emailing about dumb – of course if I found his ID or his mail arrived I would text him. I truly want to let him go. If I love him the way I say I do I would….it’s just sooo hard. I also know whatever is meant to be will be…whether it’s with him or someone else…but its so hard to remember this. And I can only control myself and my actions and thoughts...I just still feel like i 'lost' him.

Such a simple statement but you nailed it. Best friend and so much more. I miss my goodbye kisses in the morning, texts throughout the day, phone calls when he's driving home from work, coming home to him, debriefing about our days, snuggling and falling asleep together. I loved our life together. Day 3 NC, 3 weeks apart. Feels like I'm getting worse not better.

Day 2 Today was up and down as is my life right now! Sometimes I feel such despair and hurt and pain and then the next moment i feel calm and as if I am going to be okay. I think the emotional roller coaster is the worst part. Especially since i don't know when each emotion will hit. Just trying to take deep breathes, stay in the moment and remember I am the only one I can control. I can't change him or his feelings.

Day 1 He broke up with me the week before we were to go home to my parents for Christmas. He moved out of our apartment while I was away. He says he doesn't love me the way i love him, he *just* can't commit to me and he's not the 'one' for me. Was it out of nowhere? Yes and no. we'd been going through a rough patch but i thought we were working through it. there had been some trust issues on my end due to his ex-wife wanting to reconcile with him earlier in our relationship (and him considering) this combined with his commitment issues led to some pretty bad fights. which mostly ended with him saying i had to change not him. in hindsight i think we could have problem solved together a lot better. His statements and actions indicate little to no desire for future reconciliation. However, that didn't stop me from seeing him a few times these past few weeks. Short walk. I cry. He counsels. He came to get his things more of the same. I know for my betterment and healing that i had to implement NC. I cannot be around him and not be with. And i'm starting to look and feel pathetic. He stopped by yesterday to get the last of his things. NC begins. Hopefully I wont see him in the neighborhood as he moved two blocks away. Today was hard. Not enough planned so left me with too much time for thinking. Note to self, must keep busy on the weekends and/or all time.