Lovebug

It probably depends more on the individual or the relationship in question. I'm a woman had a tough time getting over my first relationship: together almost 2 years when I was 19-21, took me maybe 9 months before I felt completely better. My second relationship I was with someone for about 2 months (though we were friends for a year and he had been asking me out for a few months beforehand but I said no as I wasn't over my first relationship) he broke up with me and to be honest I was a mostly a bit peeved and upset for a couple of weeks. A few months later we started dating again and again he broke up with me after a couple of months, I think I was sadder the second time round but 6 weeks later I remember feeling better and that is when I met the ex I am here about, in fact the week that we started dating I had a text from the previous ex asking me if I was free for him to visit but that was a day I'd already arranged to meet my most recent ex so I just told him that I was too busy to meet. In fact I think that was the day that we consider our first proper date. I was with my most recent ex for a little over 5 years, it is approaching 5 months since the BU for me but I still feel really sad a lot of the time as he was someone I assumed/wanted/could see spending my life with

Day 47 Got back from holiday, had a lovely time and got to see new places and do new things, whilst I was away I still had dreams that my ex and I were still together. I’m back home now though and I am facing a whole load of work to do but all I can currently think about is my ex, I have no idea how he is or what he is doing, what I want most at this moment is to meet him for a nice coffee and share with him all the things I saw whilst I was away. Of course I still want a relationship but at the moment to see him for 5 mins would be lovely. I am pretty sure he would meet me as well, just what would be be the point afterwards if he still doesn’t want what I do, to have a lovely catchup and then just not see him again… We were together for a little over 5 years, living together for over 4 and spent almost all our free time together or with friends. We now haven’t had a proper face to face conversation since the beginning of December and it is now approaching 5 months since we broke up. Sometimes it is difficult to believe I haven’t seen him in this long. I still have some stuff that is his and he accidently packed up some stuff of mine (I decided to not be around when he was packing up as it would have been too hard for me and I know I would have started begging him to stay if I had) I want to sort this at some point but I don’t know whether to wait for him to contact me, which he may never do, I just don’t know. I think he is being very respectful of me asking him to leave me alone as I was finding it hard…or maybe he really just doesn’t have anything to say to me. Or I should wait until I am completely healed and no-longer want a relationship to email about the stuff, but there again I could also be waiting a very long time, I think I am just too emotional as a person. I don’t know why I am finding today so hard, I had a lovely time on holiday, I just wish I could have shared it with him.

Day 36 Right I had to break NC for a while as I went into LC to sort out moving house/getting deposits back from the 9th Feb until the 22nd. In this time I kept the messages strictly to business until he added onto the bottom of one of his emails that he was very sorry for the upset he’d caused and then I wrote slightly more than I should have in response…(basically that it wasn’t his fault if he was unhappy, that I’m keeping busy, but that I still feel the same way etc.)…whoops but there were still messages after that. He wouldn’t take any money towards any of the bills either which was a nice gesture just probably only done to ease his guilt. I was then determined to stick to NC but then I ran into him before the start of a half marathon at the beginning of March. It wasn’t too awkward and I kept all emotions in check, he didn’t look displeased to see me, maybe off-balance (I mean by my wishes we’d avoided meeting since Dec) but all we said to eachother was ‘hi, how are you?’ ‘fine, how are you?’ ‘fine’. I think he thought I was going the same way as him but I didn’t and then I didn’t see him again after the race. Which makes this day 36 again and approaching 4 and a half months since the BU. I think I might be finding things easier, I am definitely finding more things to do and I have started doing my work again. It is just that I still have dreams where my ex and I are happily going out and when I had food poisoning last week all I wanted to do was speak to him. I can see where we both went wrong, I know odds are there will never be another chance, but I do still see him as someone I want to spend my life with. I have gone on a few dates, well not really dates but I’ve just said yes to going out to places that I’d like to go to anyway: dance classes, drinks/snacks in town etc. I’ve declined movies and drinks at houses and proper dinners out because for me they would be far too datelike. I have fun when I am out and I have been able to be myself again if that makes sense, it keeps me busy and from dwelling, but I just find myself wanting them not to be interested in me as a potential partner or have any physical attraction for me but more see me as someone they can talk to or play boardgames with and just hang out with generally and do fun stuff together. I have been open and explained my situation to each of them from the start, but it doesn’t appear to be much of a deterrent. It is not that they are not all nice people, I wouldn’t hang out at all with them if they weren’t, I just don’t like the pressure of them trying to kiss me at the end of the evening or lingering hugs goodbye where I have to avoid looking in their eyes. I know it would be unfair to enter into a relationship with anyone at this point when I know that I still want one with my ex. Granted I would need to be convinced that him leaving out of the blue wouldn’t happen again,… but I’d want to be convinced I booked to go to Switzerland for 10 days from tomorrow to visit friends, I hope this will allow me to see even more clearly. At the moment what I would like to do is email him when I get back just to sort out getting some stuff of mine that he moved out with back (in a friendly manner) and just see how he replies...

Day 1 (again) This is horrible, I didn't even put myself out on the line, but I still feel dreadful. I did not tell him how I felt about anything. After 5 years he couldn't even acknowledge an email I sent or repeat his offer to help clean or anything. I sent it to be considerate and let him know what was going on and I have heard nothing from him in return and I know he would have received the email I sent pretty much immediately. Our time together clearly meant nothing, I know he would have replied to anyone else even if it was only out of courtesy. I feel I do not know who he is anymore at all. This hurts so much

FYI it was me who requested that we limited contact and told him to please leave me alone (54 days ago) as it hurt too much when I received contact/emails from him. I have now sent a message, so I guess that means tomorrow is day 0 again, I do still think it needed to be done and I didn't put anything in there that required a response. I also made sure to put in the same beginnings and endings to the message that he used when he last contacted me... I feel a little worried, there were so many things that I wanted to say and didn't : ( but what is done is done and I think it was best to keep it to what needed to be said

Day 40 (but would be day 54 if I hadn’t sent a text saying ‘happy new year’ . I still miss him every day and it has been a struggle at some points not to tell him how I still feel, but I know it just wouldn’t help either of us. I am, however, moving out of the flat we jointly rented next Saturday (he moved out before Christmas) and I feel them are some logistics I need to contact him about: that I’ll be hiring a van to get rid of the old sofa and piano in the garage (so he wouldn’t need to in the last couple of days he has for cleaning) getting the carpets professionally cleaned and as my next property has a washing machine I am giving away the old one, but we bought it together so I think I should let him know before in case he needs it etc. What do you think? At the least I need to let him know by which day I’ll be out so that he can come in and clean/deal with keys. I could just put everything in one email, leave out anything personal and give him no questions to reply to… or just leave it…he’d have to email me eventually, but by then the washing machine will be gone and he may have hired a van for no reason….

Day 37 I'm feeling a little better today. Been keeping very busy. Went out on what turned out to be a date 2 nights ago (I've been trying to make new friends as at the moment basically all the people I know in the city I am in are mutual friends of me and my ex, and this chap is a uni friend of a good schoolfriend who has just moved to my city and had looked at my spare room but ended up moving elsewhere, so he is new in, single and also looking to make friends and go out exploring and doing things) it was really good to chat to someone new and we had a lot in common, I think he may have been interested and I think we could definitely be friends, but I know I am not ready for anything. I haven't cried yet today, though it is only lunchtime and I find first thing in the morning and last thing at night the worst. I am still at the point that I would definitely get back with my ex should he wish it although now I'd have to make sure he was serious as I don't want to ever go through this pain again. I gathered the rest of his possessions and put them in a box in the garage and I shall be moving out in 10 days, I know there will have to be some contact but I am delaying this as long as possible. I am scared of it, I both miss and want to see him more than anything, but I know it will hurt so I also don't want to at the same time, I definitely don't want to initiate anything, it is too early for me and I know I couldn't handle a planned meeting. I have bad dreams where we meet and I only see indifference in his eyes although these are just as difficult as the ones where we make up or are still going out and I have to wake up and realise they are not real.

Day 30 30 days with no contact (well a former flatmate that we lived with for 2 years who didn't know we had broken up sent us both a message on fb but neither of us responded) Guess this means that if it was Feb, April, June, Sept or Nov I would have succeded now. However I still don't feel strong enough, there has not yet been a day where I haven't been in tears at some point and I really struggle. He has been good in respecting me and giving me space but I think I would be too weak to ignore or be unaffected by contact when/if it comes. I love him and miss him terribly and I know I need longer, it has now been 2 months since our relationship of over 5 years ended and I have not seen him since Dec 9th (we saw/contacted each other each day of our relationship) and if I found out he was dating anyone else I'd be devastated. I think I should continue this indefinitely, I still have the hurdles of moving out of the flat we used to live in jointly and my birthday to overcome. Feb is going to be a difficult month

Day 23 I am still not feeling better about the break up, but I am getting better at keeping busy. Have restarted dancing lessons, made new friends and reconnected with old ones. Most of the time I feel like it is all a charade and I feel tired of pretending to be ok, I still don't think I could handle seeing him as I know he would be able to see straight through the facade. I am glad that I told him that it would be best if we didn't contact each other as I know that I'd have been too weak not to reply to anything he sent and so I would probably have been hurting even more than I am right now. Found out yesterday that he has started training for a half marathon and his training route is literally a 10k loop round where I live (it is the route of a 10k fun race that we did together back in May). It is hard knowing that you pass so close to me and have said that you don't have any problem seeing me, I just know that it is far too early for me to see you, I may never be ready, and really what is the point if you no-longer feel the same way... I'd just end up crying and push you further away

So after 12 days total NC and only 2 on here I did crack NYE. It was about 2.30 in the morning I'd missed him terribly all day as he was supposed to have been coming with me, I didn't do too badly though I just sent a message that said 'Happy new year' didn't feel too bad afterwards, mostly because it was very late when I text so he probably wasn't still up and also I'd told him not to contact me so I knew that he may not even reply for that reason. I did however also send a message to an old phone that he no-longer uses more saying how I felt, so I know he'll never get that message, it feels good to have sent it though I did stress at the time. So I guess I begin again now Day 1

Day 2 Went down with friends to Somerset, it is really tough knowing that he was supposed to be coming too. I feel that when we broke up I went immediately to talking about how we could save our relationship and why the break up was happening and what to do about the flat. I can't remember telling him how much I loved him and what he meant to me instead of what the relationship meant, I think I had neglected him in the relationship for a good 6 months because I was so focussed on getting my work done and the commuting over so that I could then have time for him again and in that time he lost the 'in love' feelings he used to have for me. This is my fault. Not contacting him may be helping me, but what if I actually spoke to him and told him how I felt...I miss him so much...?

Day 1 Back ground: enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=466554 Right, this is actually the 20th day since I have seen him (I shall call it Day -19) where he finally said he didn't love me like he used to, afterwards he walked me to a friends and I was a devestated crying mess, I did not beg or cling or profess the undying love I feel but it was unbelievably close and I fear that if I see him again I may not be able to help myself so I tried to do my own NC but it is has been complicated by the fact that we share a flat. Since then he phoned (Day -17) to try and meet up to sign a contract to say we were leaving the flat we jointly rented, I said I wasn't around so he could post it through the door, he asked if I would be around the next day, I said yes, but that we didn't need to meet, I could sign it and post it to him, I asked him not to phone again. (Day -16) he text to ask if I had signed it and to say he was on his way round to pick it up (we had already sorted it on the phon the previous day though) I replied 'It is taped to the door of the garage. thank you for texting instead of phoning. I would appreciate that if you contact me again you take a moment to double check it is absolutley necessary & that if this is so you could again limit yourself to texts or emails. this does not mean that i no-longer feel the same way, because i do, but it is not fair on either of us and I need some space. i hope you can respect & understand this.' (Day -13) I actually contacted him to let him know I was staying in London for 4 days so he could crash in the flat in peace, pack or move (Day -12) No contact, but he flickered between away/online/offline on skype all day (he doesn't use it normally-only ever did once to talk to me) (Day -11) He sent me an email which began: Dear S, I do understand that keeping communication to a minimum could be helpful and of course I can respect that. I think that it is only necessary to be in contact a few more times, depending on how you want to do things it then went on to say that he had found a flat to move into and went into a detailed list of lots of small unimportant items: who cares about the spare duvet in the garage when the person they love the most is leaving?!? He ended it with 'I hope you are okay' : how could I possibly be ok?!? I replied after a few hours saying that I didn't really care about all these small things (I was a crying mess at work when I recieved it), but if he wanted an answer (I know he dislikes indeciveness so I give him a brief reply for each of his question) and ended asking him to please leave me alone as I didn't find it helpful. Since then there has been NC, on Christmas day (Day -3) he flickered around again on skype, I was torn about texting him to wish him a happy christmas, I was worried that he may consider me childish if I didn't but I had told him not to contact me and I didn't want to get into a stress if he didn't reply... however I put a generic Christmas wishes message on Fb that his family then went on to like and comment on (they have taken to doing this recently, it stresses me a bit, but it is nice to know that they still like me as a person and I know they are going through a very tough time). It has been really difficult asking him not to contact me, I want nothing more than to see him and speak with him and he has said he has no problem seeing me, but if he no-longer feels the same way, it just hurts me too much and I don't want to say anything I'll later regret. I love this man and I want a future with him but at the moment this is not what he wants : ( (Day 0 ) Last night I suffered a bit of a blow, though and I feel I need support in maintaining NC. Two of my ex's closest friends from uni (though mine too as we have been going out over 5 years) had been going out for about 7 years and their relationship at a glance was comparable to ours, it had looked like he would never get round to commiting even though they had lived together for years... but then he proposed to her on Christmas day. I am very happy for them but it was a future I imagined and wanted for me and my ex-bf even though I never brought it up Anyway Day 1... I deeply miss him Is it maintaining NC if I go to a NYE house party hosted by mutual friends? (we were invited as a couple, but when I last spoke to him he said he would be in his hometown instead, the hosts are people he works with and he said I'd be welcome to still go there and they also said I'd still be welcome?.....), it is 5 mins from where I live. My ex and I had paid the deposit to go on a New years break with my school friends but I cancelled as I didn't know what was happening with 'us', they found replacements who I have just found out dropped out but I'd now have to find the rest of the money (which is tight now I don't know where I'll be living in 2 months) and I'm unsure how healthy I'll feel going there now when I'd imagined going with my ex... I have been tempted to contact him to confirm where he is going....but I think I realise that it is just an excuse to reach out. It would hurt if he didn't reply and if he did and said he was coming to see the work friends then the decision to make as to what I should do would get even harder...