rosasnyder811 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 The only thing that NC is going to make the other person think is that they are better off without you. If by some chance they come back, it will be under the auspices of mind games. Who cares what the conversations are about? You got together without talking about your relationship, because you didn't have one. Now you also don't have a relationship, but you want one, but you expect to just have intimate conversations? It takes time to work up to that. NC is a mind game that is not effective, it just causes more hurt. so if you don't want them back, use it. If you do, I would suggest staying in contact somehow, that is, if the relationship means anything to you. Link to comment
surfjon Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Well Rosa, here's where we agree to disagree, it worked for me 8 months ago, why would I do differently?? And although I do want the relationship, I refuse to be treated other than with respect and whole-heartedness.... If you don't agree with the concept of NC, why on earth are you on one of the most popular threads with your negativity.... You won't convince me, I've been here since 2007 and pretty set in my beliefs..... This thread is popular for a reason, Superdave knows whats up..... Link to comment
Militia890 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Day 4 of NC, first time posting here I hope she's happy "casually" dating. I know she said her new guy wont last, and they're just dating for fun....but it still bothers me because they're hanging out and talking all the time. Not even in a couply way....just as friends, but it's still on my mind Hoping to continue learning guitar today Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 I'm here to try to convince people that they are wrong in their thinking. You are working against human psychology, and you really are in a crap shoot here. Sure, NC may get them back, but it won't last because you'll get them back based on a MIND GAME. If you care about someone, wouldn't you want to get them back in a genuine fashion without mind games? Knowing that you actually put some good hard effort and pain into getting them back? Knowing that you gave yourself the best shot? If it worked for you 8 months ago, then why aren't you still together? Sounds like it did just enough to get you back together, just to split again. Without communication, you have no relationship. That's the basic and most simple explanation I can give you. There is no negativity in what I post, and the fact that you state that shows me that you are more interested in the concept of NC rather than real solid advice from people that have been through this type of thing. (Which I have been) No Contact is negativity if it is used to get an ex back, because it is just a game, and it is a losing one-- which I have seen over and over again. NC is an Internet fad, not a tried and true practice of reconciliation. It's simply a game, and in games you can win or lose, but they are still games. Relationships, at least to me, are not a game. They are a serious thing that need to be approached in a serious manner, not as a game. I'm sorry if some people disagree with that, but I have helped several people with my advice that were using NC as a way to get their ex back, and they found that actual COMMUNICATION helps gauge where each person is and gives them both a better chance at reconciliation. NC is great if used as a tool to get over someone you never want to have in your life again. When we were children we ignored people that we were mad at. This is the same thing. We are mad at our ex, so we ignore them. Except, as children we were usually mad at people we saw everyday, so we eventually forgot and forgave. We most likely won't see our ex's everyday in an extended capacity, making forgive and forget much harder. Sure, you may forgive, but they just may simply forget. As adults, we shouldn't be playing the same games because we are more mature. We should be looking at ways to better our communication with the people we love, BECAUSE we love them, not sacrifice it to the chance that they MAY come back. I hope you'll message me, you might find that I have better advice of getting your loved one back than simply ignoring them. If you would like a more clear picture of what I'm talking about, send me a private message. I can give you better assistance privately than in public, where we will just end up arguing for the sake of arguing, while your loved one continues to push away from you further. Well Rosa, here's where we agree to disagree, it worked for me 8 months ago, why would I do differently?? And although I do want the relationship, I refuse to be treated other than with respect and whole-heartedness.... If you don't agree with the concept of NC, why on earth are you on one of the most popular threads with your negativity.... You won't convince me, I've been here since 2007 and pretty set in my beliefs..... This thread is popular for a reason, Superdave knows whats up..... 1 Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 If you don't stay in some kind of contact, their chances of getting closer increase. If you want her back, you should figure out a way to do that without putting pressure on her. If you don't want her back, keep on truckin'. Day 4 of NC, first time posting here I hope she's happy "casually" dating. I know she said her new guy wont last, and they're just dating for fun....but it still bothers me because they're hanging out and talking all the time. Not even in a couply way....just as friends, but it's still on my mind Hoping to continue learning guitar today Link to comment
Militia890 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Im not really in the state of mind currently to change things without putting pressure on her. I can barely get a txt without going all shakey and nervous Im not going NC to get her back, Im using it to heal and pick myself up so I can go get her back if I so choose Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Just be careful, don't wait too long (few days, etc). I know it's hard. However, just a "Hey how are you doing?" every couple days will be enough to keep the lines open. You have to be able to control yourself. Of course you are nervous. When you love someone and you are no longer with them, it's terrifying to think you may never see them again. It was EXTREMELY hard for me the two months I was split from my girlfriend. However, as much as it hurt, I knew I loved her and we were better than the no contact game. So I pressed forward, sucked it up, and made the effort. Did we talk everyday? No. There were weeks where we didn't talk at all, but I kept the faith. It paid off. We are now engaged, and proof of what communication can do, even in horrible circumstances. Im not really in the state of mind currently to change things without putting pressure on her. I can barely get a txt without going all shakey and nervous Im not going NC to get her back, Im using it to heal and pick myself up so I can go get her back if I so choose Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Having a weird brainstorm for those of us in NC who are thinking of breaking it. Why do we use text? Why not just phone the person up? I read "no response to my text" and "strange text" -- wouldn't a phone call be better? Link to comment
Maria Kabute Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 day 6.. when a person say, he's not the one for me or im better off with someone else or we can't do anything about it, what would you do? should you still contact him or just rest, give sometime to yourself? those where the questions that keep popping in my mind. I want him back..geez..i miss him, Link to comment
Snow93 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I'm going to take this challenge up once again. She contacted me almost right after I completed the challenge and now I just feel set back again. Reflecting here helped me a lot and I really need something to keep me going. So today was day 1. Pretty bad. The urge to contact her is brought back all over again. Let that be a lesson to anyone else reading, if you were the dumper and want your ex to heal DON'T contact them looking for friendship. I'm really stinging from that still. I can't let myself contact her. This is for me, to prove my strength to myself. I'm in a dark place but I'll never give up. And I'll get out of it without looking to the root of my sorrows for help. Link to comment
shackazu Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Just be careful, don't wait too long (few days, etc). I know it's hard. However, just a "Hey how are you doing?" every couple days will be enough to keep the lines open. You have to be able to control yourself. Of course you are nervous. When you love someone and you are no longer with them, it's terrifying to think you may never see them again. It was EXTREMELY hard for me the two months I was split from my girlfriend. However, as much as it hurt, I knew I loved her and we were better than the no contact game. So I pressed forward, sucked it up, and made the effort. Did we talk everyday? No. There were weeks where we didn't talk at all, but I kept the faith. It paid off. We are now engaged, and proof of what communication can do, even in horrible circumstances. Except what if you have tried that to no avail? I stayed fairly close to my ex for two months after our breakup--a period in time during which she admitted she was still in love with me. Then I tried to have a reconciliation conversation at around the 6 week mark, got some positive but some negative response, only to get a total shutdown by surprise two weeks later. Then we went into low contact mode until I restarted contact, visited her, hung out and had fun, only for her to tell me that her feelings had gone, that she didn't love me anymore, had chosen "not me" when she broke up, that she knew what she wanted and it was something different, someone more emotionally "solid," etc. Also, staying close to her during those two months didn't stop her from having a rebound hookup which she admitted to me was "a rebound," and that she ended it because he wasn't me. And all that didn't bring her back... What choice do I have now but to just move on and maybe try and reconnect in a year or two like most of the stories in the 126 page "Getting Back Together Really Does Happen!" thread? Link to comment
Mistykitty Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Two months into NC now and I'm not sure how much longer I can handle seeing him twice a week. I'm slowly starting to break down again. Link to comment
lovepugs86 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Going NC is not just about getting the other person back, it's about letting yourself heal and move on. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Then send her a message: "I understand you don't want contact with me right now. I don't agree with it, but I agree it is your decision. I am going to take some time to work on some things I need to fix about myself, so I'm not going to contact you for x weeks. If after x weeks you still don't want contact with me, I will understand. Please feel free to contact me during this time whenever you need to/want to. I will respond." Figure out how many weeks you need. Then you have to leave it alone until that time period is up. If she contacts you during that time, wonderful. Go with it, but don't push her during that time. No pressure. Just casual, nice conversation. The problem is that it seems like you keep pushing her to get back together. This isn't an instant process. Real reconciliation takes time, and there is no quick fix--especially no contact. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Going NC is not just about getting the other person back, it's about letting yourself heal and move on. It's NEVER about getting the other person back. If used to get the other person back, it will fail. It is abusive, manipulative, and a game. It should only be used to move on and let go. Link to comment
icantsay Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Ok, here we go! I am new to this, but this challenge will help me move on, I think! So far I'm on day 4 of no contact... He did text me this morning - but I have decided tonight not to give in and text him back! Yikes, I hope I can last.... goodnight everyone Link to comment
Mistykitty Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Day 60, I think it is? He just unblocked me on Facebook. No, I wasn't checking...my friend had linked me to a picture he had commented on, and I noticed I could now see his comments. I'm trying really hard not to overanalyze it but he only did it for one of two very different reasons. Either he's completely over me and doesn't care if he sees my profile any more, or isn't over me and wants to be able to see mine. I know, its most likely the first, but the fact that he stalks my other social media (words from his mouth, mind you) leads me to think he's not over me. After 4 months? Kinda sad for someone insisting we'll never be together again... Link to comment
zep Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Well here I go again. Same horrible ex. I don't think he really meant all the things he said (the I love you and want to be with you things), or if he does mean them, he doesn't understand what they really mean. We had a horrible day yesterday of fighting. I think actually worse than it was when we were together. So here I am on day 0. I hope it won't take me the whole 30 to get over him again. At least I gave it one last shot, and know now what a terrible decision that was. Link to comment
swans Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Day 21 I really want to forget him and move on. I really really need that. This isn't going anywhere and nothing will ever change. Link to comment
mj1228 Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Day 2...only started over cause I lost my mother a few days ago. He was there for me said he was confused but still felt like he should be alone. No pain is worse then losing my mom. Sucks that I am grieving him too but I won't go back. I can be stronger this time. Link to comment
icantsay Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Day 0 for me again. I had a weak moment and texted him - ended horribly of course. Alright, I need to let go...... Link to comment
surfjon Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Last Thursday, after nearly 2 weeks of very limited contact (we foster dogs together), she was texting me about mundane things not related to our fostering, I simply sent a text back saying "pack up the dogs, and come spend the night, no expectations.....just come." And after her gym visit, she came over..... We didn't talk about anything, I think we're both just weary and confused, but when we undressed and slid into bed the love between us is clearly still there.... I had to work the next day, and she slept in. I simply rose and went to work, and she texted me and we met for lunch. We spent some time together Saturday and my son was with me for the weekend so when she asked what we were doing Sunday I told her I was making breakfast and she wanted to come also.....I make mean pumpkin pancakes... ! I keep it all light, I am keeping her at arms length, I am distancing myself out of self defense and doing just fine. After breakfast, she asked if I'd come to her house to check her A/C, so I did....when I was done she gave me a beer and I was keeping my distance but she came and threw her arms around me and kissed me and I had to back away.....it was so hard, it was what I wanted so bad, but I had to tell her that I didn't want physical contact until she was 110% committed to us again and I left..... She texted me later, but I didn't respond. This week is the week I totally let go, The last couple weeks have shown me that this girl does not deserve my love. She's keeping me around because she's scared and not sure of what she wants. She'll do this to me until she meets someone new and I'm better than this. I've been basically "friend-zoned", and I have enough friends. There are people here critical of NC/LC, like its some game or tactic...... Whether or not a couple reconciles is irrelevant here, NC or LC lets the person who has been placed in limbo to heal and feel good in their own skin again. Link to comment
Amandacast57 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Day 2. I've been in this horrible limbo with the ex. I think he wanted/expected me to stick around until he was ready for a serious commitment. Regardless, I was doing everything for him. I never said one ill word to him, called him names and did everything he requested. That certainly was not the same in return. I am tired of mind games and being treated as thought I've done something awful to him. It is just sad that people can't appreciate the good things in life. I do take responsibility for allowing myself to be treated that way and not stopping it. I know deep down that I want things to work out between us but I have to respect myself first. Link to comment
mj1228 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Day 3... Still feeling strong. Hope it continues. Link to comment
pinkheart Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 challenge accept it! today at 1pm was the last time i contact him, i im not goingt o delete him form fb, i am going to delete my fb account much better like that so i disconect from all the bs Link to comment
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