THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[jonesyjakk]

RIGHT THEN....WHAT A DAY.

 

Ok, so went out last night and drink text the ex, i told her i hated her. Not good. What happened was that we all started drinking in the house and therefore didn't leave my phone at hame.

 

I spoke to her this morning and apologised, she said don't worry its fine. I picked up my boy this evening and again she said don't worry, it's fine, it's no problem. I understand. I felt awful as we have to be friends for my boy, I can never let that happen again.

 

Then about 6pm tonigh my boy stared projectile vomiting for an hour. He was really floppy his eyes were rolling in his head and he just wasn't right. I tried phoning and texting and her phone was off, then she phoned me and the forst thing I said was "where the hell are you?" She kinda stuttered and was like erm umm, out with work mates. Then i was thinking yeah you're out with a guy, what an idiot. I said i'm taking him to hosp I'm really worried.

 

She said ok, (she lives an hour away) and said let me know how he is, you don't need me do you? Wow, I tell you what, if she said that she was taking him to hosp I'd have been there quicker than she could put her phone down. That worried me a bit. Then she text and said have u taken temp? i said no, but he's not hot just not right, he needs to be seen.

 

Then she text and said i'm on my way. She shoulda been on her way ages ago. Anyway I got to hosp and he perked up but was still throwing up everywhere. We were constantly texting and I said don't rush cos I don't want you to have an accident.

 

Then by the time he'd been seen she arrived. She took him hugged him and was concerned because of how pale he was. Then the three of us cuddled for a sec as we both were a bit upset. Then she said what do we do now, I took her gently and said come back to the house. She said I don't know and I said c'mon.

 

She was here for a bit but hardly looked at me or said a word to me. That's fine, as long as she was him that's ok.

 

So for a short moment it was nice to have her back in my life like that. My boy was fine anyway, been sick a few times more but he's ok. I said if she wanted to take him she could, I understand, but she reluctantly said no its ok.

 

Then she said I have to get used to this. When she was leaving I was stood there and she said Text me lots to tell me how he is. Turned away and walked out the door without even saying bye.

 

So then she text when she got home and said how is he, i said sleeping, will text you through the night to tell you how he is. Goodnight.

 

Then she said thank you. All means alot. And that was that. Gone out my life again. But our son is all that matters and i'm glad she came down for him. I would have been very upset and worried if she had been like well just let me know how he is which is what she said first.

 

So that's my limited as possible NC gone out the window. Bloody nightmere. So will text tomorrow but only for him. write more as it happens then.

[JustOneSecond]

Day 16

I made 2 weeks. I still feel absolutely gutted. I just can't seem to take in the fact that he's no longer a part of my life. This is horrible. I wish I could be at home but I can't.

[ClarenceRutherford]

apple89,

This is very well-written. This is good advice many of us need to follow.

Your experience has made you better. And it will help the others who are suffering.

Thank you for posting it, apple89.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Day 70 - Got a date this Friday with a girl 2 years older than me. We both just finished our schooling. And she has her degree in nursing. My god she is gorgeous!

That's encouraging and good to hear, cboy!

Hope the date went well.

Good news also on your job situation that you posted as well.

[Irish Jax]

I lose the counting of the days. They seem to collide with one another and instead of it being a challenge, I sometimes see it as me getting further away from him. The space between us growing deeper each day.

 

There are ok days and there are bad days. My bad days I miss my friend the most. Despite all our problems, I have lost my best friend. It feels like a death and the loneliness sometimes catches me off guard.

 

I have been heartbroken before and I face sadness head on, but I still have my moments. I do miss him sometimes and wish things were not the way they are now.

 

I know I will see better days, but until then I continue on this path of healing.

 

Onward I go.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Originally Posted by FloridaMan

I don't think you can ever remove the places you and your loved one visit. Seems like there's no escaping it.

 

Sigh. I don't think you can ever really let go or reclaim all the places either. I've managed to reclaim a few of them but couldn't do all of them. The memories still linger, we just need to file them away somewhere in the back of our mind.

Not only places, but events and activities, if you know what I mean.

 

Imagine what it's like when you're having trouble in your marriage.

I have essentially been in a sexless marriage the last 5-8 years. I won't go into that now (plan to start a thread on it), and it's getting much better, but when it wasn't good, during periods of loneliness, I often found myself reliving (in my mind) sexual situations my wife and I experienced. Things she said during the act, things I told her, how I held her and how we fell asleep naked in each other's arms, etc.

 

I've also recalled past intimate times with other women.

 

I filled my mind with this, and it hurt that I felt (at the time) I couldn't experience those things again.

 

I don't plan to get a divorce, but I wonder if divorced people go through this kind of thinking and reliving all the memories, esp. the one who didn't want the divorce.

[apple89]

floridaman.. thank you so much, im trying to be as rational as i can and less emotional everyday .. anways, a year ago when i broke with my bf (i was way worse then what im right now) i had soo many things that would connect me to him.. and places were definetely worse.. but what did was, go to those same places, with new friends that you absolutely love and create a new awesome memory in your brain.. after i started doing that, i would go to these same places and i would smile bc i felt like i was in such a better position now then when i used to be before i revesited that spot and it just made me so much stronger and happier to see that progress.. same with activities, my x and i would alwyas get red box on sundays and have lazy sundays.. i took my awesome roomate with me and started doing it with her.. soon my whole lazy sundays memories were replaced with my new memories with my rooamte... lol i know its a bad example, but you know use with everything i know piruru talked about how smoking reminded her of her x bc she use to do it with him.. well go and find a smoking partner and do with them and start rebuildng new momories on top of those memories...its hard the first time you do it, but as a long term it really helps.. make it as fun as possible so that it will remian in your brain and cover that old memory

[twitchyfingers]

Day 16 of no contact

Day 05 of no online snooping

 

Felt pretty damn good all day long -- I am moving and grooving on my forward path. Spent a lot of time the past few days getting ready for my new gig -- very organized about it all.

 

Had some strong twinges today, though, listening to music. Cried a bit. Re-read some of our emails from before we met/split up, and had to shake my head at how naive and optimistic we both were about our future together, before we'd even met.

 

Still don't get why he didn't give us more of a chance, but his reasoning doesn't matter -- it's a done deal. Wondered what he is thinking about me these days, but again -- it doesn't matter. I just have to keep moving forward.

 

Thought a lot about one of the guys who contacted me after the breakup...I may contact this new guy in a few weeks. For now, I'm still recovering, and don't want to do any rebound stuff.

[iamanne]

Day 2

 

I'd like to think I failed day 1 because before I went to sleep last night, I ended up texting him and telling him i miss him and telling him that i think our relationship deserves a second chance (I don't even know if breaking up with me by changing his status on FB to single even count as a real breakup coz he never talked to me since I found out about his ex wife leaving in his property). Damn I hate it. i went to bed not expecting any reply from him.

 

I usually am the one who checks his emails for him then lets him know about it coz its very seldom that he checks his email. This time, I tried so hard not to inform him that he's got email from his boss. Don't care anymore if he misses the boat going to the rig because his flight to Texas doesnt match the time when he's supposed to be at the dock in Galveston.

 

I am having a very difficult time trying to avoid checking his emails, I wish I can stop checking it one day and for sure things are gonna be a lot easier. His kids are with him right now, maybe that's one of the reasons why he doesn't mind not talking to me and all but being in the rig for two weeks straight will somehow make him realize things. I am giving myself two weeks. If he doesn't call then I will declare myself single and available as well and live my life as if he never existed. I know I can do it. I've done it the first time he broke up with me (via FB status, damn!), when i saw his status as single after we had a fight, i never thought of ever contacting him again. I dunno if it will work this time but I hope it will.

[d24]

Day 5

she sent me a happy birthday message today, quite a long thought out message, but smacking of assumption that things will be better after she's had more time, I sent her a message back of less than 10words. I hope she reads into it.

Of the 5 days she's only allowed me to be 'total NC' for 2 of them and that was the weekend. My rules on NC are my not initiating contact, and I've stuck to it so far.

 

It's hard, but I feel I'm getting stronger every day. It may only be 5 days, but it's been 2 weeks since I made the decision to move out. Who knows what I want, cos I honestly don't

[Auscheer]

I know I really should, and it's so silly to come for advice and then just turn away from it. I feel like I am still caught between wanting him immediately as a friend at least and knowing that I shouldn't. But he is my best friend ... since i fell of the wagon I figured we may as well keep talking, so we did a few times today. We made plans to meet up next week and somehow we're now co-hosting a moving away party at the house we used to live in together with our roomates. It is going to be awful. But because of the stupid mistake that lead to these plans being made I realised I had to try make things right and really show him and me that I can try and move on. So I rang him and told him I realised that it was all for the best, and apologised for backing out of the breakup and harassing him about it for so long, and I told him that I just wanted him to be happy and I wanted to be happy. And so if that's with someone else I'll be happy for him. And you know, he sounded really sincerely thankful to hear that and I don't know what that means but it made me happy for the first time in a long time. It's how it's meant to be. We can't be friends if he knows I still want more, and while I do, I need to accept it's not going to happen. Even if I hope that it will. It won't. But I do without a doubt want him in my life in some capacity because if I knew I'd lost him as a friend I don't think I'd be okay. And if this is me being okay ... I don't want to see not okay. So I'm glad I got to do that. And I know we need more time. So we're going to see each other twice in the upcoming weeks but I'm going to limit contact aside from that because any actions could easily erase my words.

 

I will probably be kicking myself in a few weeks time when I go back on absolute no contact but right now this feels like the best way for us, as if I go back on these plans it just seems like I was being insincere.

[simplyme01]

DAY 4

 

I feel so weak this morning. I want so bad to send him a text, just to say hey. I know I won't get the response I want, if any. I have to stay strong today. I'm not sure if I can. I miss him soooo much, it hurts, my heart aches. Everyone says this gets easier...REALLY???? Please help...

[jonesyjakk]

it does get easier simply, it really does, don't send that text, be strong, turn your phone off and go out for a walk, phone a friend, write down your feelings but whatever you do don't text!!!!!!!!!! we are all here for you, many people are going through the same thing, be strong! you've made 4 days, make it 5!!!!

 

talking helps and i am here to listen! be strong!!!!

[ClarenceRutherford]

it does get easier simply, it really does, don't send that text, be strong, turn your phone off and go out for a walk, phone a friend, write down your feelings but whatever you do don't text!!!!!!!!!! we are all here for you, many people are going through the same thing, be strong! you've made 4 days, make it 5!!!!

 

talking helps and i am here to listen! be strong!!!!

That's a very helpful post.

I've read your situation, jonesyjakk. Your wife just walked out with no explanation, leaving you with your child. You're a dumpee as well but you are handling it well. Thanks for encouraging everyone.

[jonesyjakk]

i have been in the darkest place imaginable! now i can see there is a flicker of light, i have been to the darkest pits of hell in relationship terms and am slowly coming out of it! I want to help as many people if only just by giving them some kind words of encouragement. I have just started training to be a counsellor and am looking forward to helping those go through their journey to recovery as many people have helped me. I'm no expert, i just know how hard this is, so I am here as others have been for me.

[simplyme01]

it does get easier simply, it really does, don't send that text, be strong, turn your phone off and go out for a walk, phone a friend, write down your feelings but whatever you do don't text!!!!!!!!!! we are all here for you, many people are going through the same thing, be strong! you've made 4 days, make it 5!!!!

 

talking helps and i am here to listen! be strong!!!!

 

 

 

Thank you so much. I feel like I'm going to be reaching out a lot the next few days. I miss him & I think the hardest part is not knowing if he's hurting, or missing me, or thinking of me. And I'm struggling with "things were fixable"????? I feel like I can't do this

[simplyme01]

i have been in the darkest place imaginable! now i can see there is a flicker of light, i have been to the darkest pits of hell in relationship terms and am slowly coming out of it! I want to help as many people if only just by giving them some kind words of encouragement. I have just started training to be a counsellor and am looking forward to helping those go through their journey to recovery as many people have helped me. I'm no expert, i just know how hard this is, so I am here as others have been for me.

 

I know everyone is different & I'm sure it depends on the amount of time you were together. I've been reading so many posts & some people feel better after a few weeks, others are still struggling after a few months. I can't imagine feeling like this for months...

[jonesyjakk]

don't worry yourself with what he is doing, make a plan, do it now, make a list of things you will do to make your life better without him. For example, when my fiance left me almost two months ago i was a mess, but, I enrolled back in coll to get a better job, i've joined the gym, i've re-aquainted with lost friends, I spend more time with my familly, i've cleaned out my car which was a mess, I bought some nice new clothes to help boost my confidence. I started writing poetry. You see, make a list of all the things you love doing, make a list of all the things you want to do.

 

Focus your energy on a positive goal and not that of a negative one. I beat myself up for weeks and got nowhere except down. The quicker you start making positive changes the quicker you will change to positive. Forget the things were fixable, focus on fixing everything about you, take time for yourself, fix what you are in control of first. crawl before you can sprint.

 

My fiance told me after 6 weeks she doesn't cry anymore and that she has started moving on, that hurt, but you know what, why was I in tears crying over someone who wasn't crying over me. My energy can be focused on greated things and so can yours.

 

I saw this on someone's post and have memorised it and say it to myself over and over and over, especuially when times are hard and I start feeling weak....

 

"sometimes we tend to be in dispair when the person we love the most leaves us but the truth is, it;s not our loss, it's theirs, for they have left the only person who would not give them up"

.

[Janeiac]

Day 5.

I cried some last night after watching a silly romantic comedy. It generally helps to bury myself in reading and movies/TV but this sadness came on me suddenly. The movie was pure fantasy, but the story of finding true love brought home to me how much I wish I had that in my life. I have great friends, but they don't assuage this particular type of lonliness.

It's not that I'm pining for X himself, it's just that I really want a companion in life. Everything else I have is great. I can't make him be the guy I want, or to do what I want, or to want me. So I'm not struggling with wanting to contact him. I'm moving on. The sadness will go away while I think about other things.

[Needtomove]

I'm taking the no contact challenge because i have tried everything else from changing my number, blocking my calls and texts from my ex. It took weeks to find a new gym but I think I finally found one so I can avoid her and she can't see me. She still attacks me on the weekends asking who I'm with, what in doing, who did I take home. I can't even think about being with anyone else, she doesn't get it. She said she needs time to do her and find herself, but she says she has no plan to and does not want to. I can't help but feel it's all part of her game and she's still lying to me and to herself. She makes it clear to me that we are not together but says there is no one else even though she meets guys and gets numbers daily. We love eachother, I know it, I feel it, but we both have trust issues. She likes compliments from guys an attention, she likes to flirt and did it all the time we lived together hiding text msgs and calls, and when I asked her about the 2am text it was me starting a fight again and it was her girlfriend or mom, and I was invading her privacy. 2am text msgs have no business in a relationship unless it's an emergency or really a girlfriend who is intoxicated. But in crazy...... Never was till I met her and experienced this sort of disrespect in our home.

 

So day 1 of the challenge, I know she will call or text when she dosent heat from me in a day. Damed if I reply, cause shell never realize what she is missing out on and famed if I don't cause shell accuse me of sleeping around. Anyone know what I should do to that? I want her back but I really want to give her the space that she thinks she needs to find herself and miss me, but I feel if I give her to much space she might hang herself with it and do something there's no coming back from. The caveat to that is that she will lie and never fess up if she did f*** around. I don't cheat, never have never will, one thing I don't accept or believe in....

[d24]

even thought it was my birthday today i only thought about her three times. i had actually, on whole, a really good day.

i'm so thankful for my friends

[simplyme01]

Day 4 pm

 

All in all I had a great day. Felt extremly weak this morning, signed on here, reached out for help & got it!!! I didn't text him like I really wanted to this morning. Didn't cry today. Missed him horribly. But felt really good for the most part. I pray I have more days like this ahead. I feel so good that I didn't contact him. I KNOW I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN HE IS & I KNOW I NEED TO & WILL TAKE CARE OF ME!

[ClarenceRutherford]

My fiance told me after 6 weeks she doesn't cry anymore and that she has started moving on, that hurt, but you know what, why was I in tears crying over someone who wasn't crying over me. My energy can be focused on greated things and so can yours.

Jonesyjakk,

Don't read too much into her saying how she's stopped crying.

I imagine her leaving you was painful for her too.

A month-and-a-half is a good amount of time.

 

The best friend of a woman who dumped me after 6 mos. told me the breakup wasn't easy for her either and how my EX thought my immediate resumption of dating others like a week or so later hurt her, like seeing others meant she didn't mean anything to me.

 

Who was she to tell me I couldn't date?

Her leaving wasn't my choice and at 26, I thought I needed to find that life partner I was seeking so wasn't going to let her ending our relationship get in my way of that.

 

It's good, though, you see it isn't worth crying over someone who doesn't really care about you.

[apple89]

day 6

 

super busyyyy!!! but i love it bc it means i have no time to think about him.. still kinda miss him/think about him, had a weakness momment after dinner and almost cried.. but damn it, i know the best solutions is to let go fo rmy own good and if i want some sort of future with him.. live my life everyday and enjoy each momnet of happyness..

 

went to class, did homework, wne to my sorority house, met with people to wokr on my some more homework.. now geting ready to go with my sorority sister for some drinks... having fun and keeing yourself is the best weapon.. that is why i love the week bc im just busy with living my life and i have no time to think about what was or could have been

 

ready for day 7

[simplyme01]

Day 5 of NC

 

...here I am again 6:30 am feeling so weak. I actually wrote out a message I want to leave him on his voice mail this morning. It's not mean. I just feel it's some closure for me to say a couple of things. I ask...what can it hurt?? Will I feel better if I leave it? Why after having a great day yesterday, do I feel so weak this morning, like I just have to reach out. Maybe things were left so ugly (I said some real horrible things that I feel so bad saying). I accept that we're over & want him to know I am sorry for the things that I said. I somehow feel like I'm not going to be able to move on entirely until I say that. Am I wrong?? Will I feel better or worse leaving him a message?? HELP!!