Auscheer

I know I really should, and it's so silly to come for advice and then just turn away from it. I feel like I am still caught between wanting him immediately as a friend at least and knowing that I shouldn't. But he is my best friend ... since i fell of the wagon I figured we may as well keep talking, so we did a few times today. We made plans to meet up next week and somehow we're now co-hosting a moving away party at the house we used to live in together with our roomates. It is going to be awful. But because of the stupid mistake that lead to these plans being made I realised I had to try make things right and really show him and me that I can try and move on. So I rang him and told him I realised that it was all for the best, and apologised for backing out of the breakup and harassing him about it for so long, and I told him that I just wanted him to be happy and I wanted to be happy. And so if that's with someone else I'll be happy for him. And you know, he sounded really sincerely thankful to hear that and I don't know what that means but it made me happy for the first time in a long time. It's how it's meant to be. We can't be friends if he knows I still want more, and while I do, I need to accept it's not going to happen. Even if I hope that it will. It won't. But I do without a doubt want him in my life in some capacity because if I knew I'd lost him as a friend I don't think I'd be okay. And if this is me being okay ... I don't want to see not okay. So I'm glad I got to do that. And I know we need more time. So we're going to see each other twice in the upcoming weeks but I'm going to limit contact aside from that because any actions could easily erase my words. I will probably be kicking myself in a few weeks time when I go back on absolute no contact but right now this feels like the best way for us, as if I go back on these plans it just seems like I was being insincere.

Day 7 GOD DAMN. I made it to a week. Almost. Was feeling pretty low and lonely today, but otherwise okay. Starting just hoping and hoping S would talk to me, just make some contact. Then he's listed as 'in an open relationship' on FB. We're both online on chat. He doesn't say anything. I didn't know what to do because he promised that if he was going to do anything with this new girl or anyone else he would forewarn me so I wouldn't have to see it like that. But I didn't want to seem like I cared... anyway I said, 'you said you'd talk to me if you were going to do anything, so can you talk to me?' and anyway it was a joke with one of his friends apparently and he was waiting on him to confirm it and he just did it on a whim. He apologised for 'freaking me out' and it made me feel so bad. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be freaked out I want him to be jealous and sad and come back to me. So damn. I don't want to start over again. I got to a week with only one necessary message initated by me. And only two other communications. I know three in a week seems a lot compared to all you strong people, but ... we were those people that never left each other's side. He would tell me he loved me if he was leaving the room, when we woke up, went to bed ... sometimes twenty times a day. It doesn't seem right to only speak three times a week. I guess I have to start again ... but knowing I failed and I could have been at a month a whole week sooner makes this actually seem more impossible than it did at the start. Not much enthusiasm for it this time. I don't want to do this. I just want my boyfriend back.

Day 6 I was busy feeling incredibly ill again today, and was productive working from home. Not sure if its because how out of it I have been on these meds (have had to stop taking them already, not good) but I have hardly thought of S and when I have it hasn't stirred up negative emotions. More just like, meh. Though I still constantly checked if he was online, what he was posting, etc. Probably not healthy to keep doing that. Probably the first day since we broke up over two months ago that I haven't cried over it - cried because I was ill - but not because of this. Progress!

Day 5Well S did not contact me again. I had absolutely no time to think about him as I had a bad reaction to my meds and was in bed sick all night/day, had a terrible time trying to go to work. Will probably be bad again today as I will be working with computers and I'm getting really bad tremors, so my typing is very shonky. But yes, definitely had other things to deal with, even if they weren't positive ones! I really hope he does try and contact me again ... it seems like he's not particularly happy right now, but I'm not sure who he's directing these FB statuses, etc, to - me or the new girl he wants to get together with? Normally I would ask him if he was okay and try and be there for him ... Either way I am still doing the right thing, he asked me repeatedly for space, and we might have been back together by now if I had of given it to him, to me.

I will always love you. I think you're a coward for saying 'it's too hard' when you still love me, too. You can't even deny it to make it easier for us both. Love is never easy, you're just too lazy to help me try fix us, and think you might be happy if you settle with someone new. You will be until the honeymoon period is over. Then what happens to the true love we threw away? We are so young that it's silly to say it's too late for us. We are so young that maybe you don't think we'll still be coming back to this when we're fifty, when we've settled for people who are simple to get along with but that we don't really love ... because we will. But I can only wait so long. It might be a year or two, who knows. But if you don't man up soon you'll lose us forever, and that's bigger than you realise. Do you know some people never find true love? It makes me sick you'd turn your back on it becuase of a few bad months. I've given myself to you entirely, you can't ask for more than that and you'll never find someone who loves you more than I do. Will you be okay with that after what we shared? I hope not. I'd love for you to be happy, but not when it comes at the cost of my happiness. You're being stubborn and it's a big mistake. Will she be there for you through all the insecurities and downfalls? Would she hold your hand at the dentist and kiss you when you're sick, rub your nose when you have hayfever, read your work and cherish first drafts because she truly believes in you? I will never forgive you for not fighting for us. Why weren't we worth more to you? But I will always love you. I wish I could stop.

Day 4 Okay, well last night he made contact (well after I had to message him about the phone bill) and it's not part of my contract with myself to completely ignore any contact from him, just not to initate and not to get emotional or talk too long. So I replied to questions of how I was then said I had to go. I posted something on Facebook and he commented on it. It didn't really deserve a response and I knew as soon as I responded that I shouldn't have. But he initiated it, and what's done is done. No contact today, and I have been pretty good. Went to the doctor to start back on antidepressants/anxiety and setting up some councelling sessions. I have actually just felt more anxious than sad or longing today, I am working late so I will hopefully even be a bit tired when I come home, and might even be able to get to sleep without worrying/checking his page/crying too much. I have been alone for all of it but aside from the anxiety this is the calmest and happiest I've been since we broke up. I think the fact that he contacted me first for the first time ever - twice in one night - has made me feel a bit better. Like we could maybe have a decent friendship if nothing else in the future because I know it's not entirely one sided. But that's obviously weighing a lot on stupid chat messages. But still. I'm a bit more at ease (I know, it didn't come from anything I did to better myself ... but I did actually delete the fake facebook account I was using to keep tabs on his current love interest and have been trying to be positive and not crazy, so that could contribute as well!).

Day 2 This is for yesterday. I was productive and did a lot of work in the morning, and at least didn't dream of him. Then I went to stay with my friend. It is a hard time for her and I feel guilty that because I have been preoccupied with silly relationship stuff, I haven't been there for her as I should have. It was her father's funeral today. Day 3 So far, since coming back home I have been devastated to read on FB that S must have spent the night with his new love interest. Even worse is that he hadn't payed his share of the phone bill, as the account is under my name. I sent him a message that just said ' hey, optus is overdue.' he said that he'd already paid it, and sometimes it does take a few days to go in, but it looked like I just wanted an excuse to contact him which I hate! I feel like I've just been set back to day 1, but I know I needed to remind him because he is awful with that kind of thing and they've shut my phone off before because of him. I can't stand seeing him flirt with this other girl. I can't stand knowing he's spending time with her. I can't stand that he doesn't try and talk to me when we're both online, even though he's probably talking to her. I know he'd be happy to jump into something else ... he is a relationship kind of guy. I don't think I would be able to get through the pain of seeing him fall in love with someone else. I just pray it doesn't happy, but it seems they're getting together, so I should probably prepare. In a lot of pain right now, but I just need to be productive and DO OTHER THINGS than worry about what S is doing, worry about whether he loves someone else. Tonight I will try, but I need to stay home and work (one of my jobs is from home and I've noticed it makes it so much harder because there's nothing to stop me from breaking down and crying whenever i feel like it) so I think it will be a hard one to get through.

DAY 1 Okay this is the beginning. We have maybe only not spoken (yes, initiated by me 99.5 per cent of the time) a handful of days during the two months we've been broken up. If I make it through the month, hell, if I make it through the week it will be the longest we haven't spoken since the day we met almost three years ago. Which is scary, because I believe we have a future together still, I just need to give myself and him some space, but it is also how it's meant to be. If we don't ever get back together ... we aren't supposed to be talking all the time. I need to learn to get by without him. So. I slept in and had a pretty awful dream I found out my ex (let's call him S) had reignited contact with his high-school girlfriend, the ex before me that he was heartbroken over. I ran to confront him and was so upset I think I was crying in my sleep. When I did he denied it, told me he didn't want to do this anymore and that I'm the only one he loves. I woke up as I was crying on his lap and saying 'why are you doing this to me?' He has a new love interest at the moment, so it's pretty easy to analyse that dream haha. Especially considering early in our relationship I was always paranoid he wasn't over her. Early in our relationship he wasn't over her ... it makes me worried that he will do the same thing he did with me and jump into a relationship with this new girl. When I woke up I thought he had really told me he wanted to get back together. Took a bit to sink in and I started the day bawling my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself. I wasted a lot of the day and cried maybe three or four times, which isn't that bad for me. I'm in a bit of a rut with this. I did talk to my roomate for a long time, watched some hilarious TV, and did some productive work and washing. I got good career news, which has given me a project to focus on for the next few days at least, and did brighten my mood. I'm feeling down again because it's night time and I now have to sleep with my light on every night, and I usually cry as I'm trying to sleep. I'm not good at sleeping by myself, never have been. But I know I'll be going to stay with a friend whose dad has passed away tomorrow so not only will I be able to spend some time with her, it will put my stupid, inconsequential problems in perspective. Just generally as part of my NC I have decided not to block FB, not even on chat. He hasn't had to initiate contact in so long, that I'm really doubtful he will. At least for a while. And because I've been so horrible and pushy, trying to get back together almost every day, I want him to know I have the chance to talk to him but am choosing to give him space. So if he feels ready to come to me, it will be because he wants to, and while I wouldn't ignore it, I would be polite and nonchalant and casual. However it's only day one and knowing me this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm a bit of a stalker so I will keep checking his profile etc, because it's somehow calming to know what he's doing, and that he's okay. Once I start to get back on track maybe it would be healthier to stop doing that, but for now I don't think I can go that cold turkey. I miss him incredibly and just want him here with me. The dream this morning really shook me because in the half-sleep moments where I thought that had actually happened I was so happy. He says he still loves me but it's too late to go back and it can't work out. I don't know a way around that thinking so all I can do is leave it and hope I heal a bit, hope he misses me and remembers the good times, hope he doesn't start a relationship with this other girl ... here goes.

Forgot to mention that today I almost reminded him about the phone bill (his phone is still on my account) and his share of the gas bill from before he moved out. I told him what date he had to come pick up the rest of his furniture before (less than a month), so I will have no excuse to talk to him.

Attempting NC as a way to allow space for my ex and I both to heal and maybe we will once more be in mental spaces that allow us to be together. Maybe we won't, but it's got to be better than pushing him, and dwelling on my loss. This is a kind of day -1, I will be beginning NC tomorrow as I've already spoken to him today. We discussed whether he felt comfortable being friends. He wanted to wait and said maybe he'd be ready to see me in a week or so (we were together for two and a half years, have been broken up for two months, with a lot of begging, tormoil and pain in that time, only one hook up). I'm fairly proud that I just said, 'whatever he needed' but also let him know I do want him in my life, without seeming needy (or as much as I normally do). I think he still wants me in his life, but the way I have acted throughout the breakup has pushed him away. It has only been just over a week since I last came to him crying hysterically and begging him to take me back, and I know he is afraid it is coming every time we speak, because for a while there, it would come everytime we spoke. I want to prove to myself, and as a result, him, that I can be stable, that I can take back my life and that I can be a good part of his life, not just an emotional burden. I feel like this a good time to do it, because I can also see if he will contact me 'in a week or so' without me initiating contact. He also has a new 'crush', I guess is the best term, and though I'm not sure he'l act on it, this will give him the space to figure it out.