THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[SadAndDepresse]

Day 4-

 

So tonight was weird...

 

Out of the blue I got a message from her best friend saying hey you how have you been feels like forever since i spoke to you last.. blah blah blah. We are friends, but we barely text each other, I have no credit, so I didn't bother replying. Then 1 hour later my ex texts me this is my first contact since my NC from LC 4 days ago. I don't know whether they were together

 

She sent me a picture message with a picture of a layout she had done in her new magazine she just started with this was her first one, it also had text saying

 

"hey you sorry its been a while lots of stress this is my first layout printed in an issue hope you have had a good week xo"

 

But I know she has had time to speak to others... She is just saying this to keep me "happy" or "string" me along, i am almost near certain. Take in mind that this was sent at 10pm on a friday night, so she is probably at home bored alone or with her bestfriend unsure.

 

It's been 2 hours since the message. And there has been nothing more.

 

So confused as to whether to reply or to leave it be, she did not ask any question so this means I don't have to reply, right? If what I believe is true would it be best to continue NC and not reply, and wait for a more useful message/call?

 

Advice please!!

[feelingitnow]

Based on what you've said, I think maintaining NC would be best -- sounds like she is putting feelers out to see how you will react and that sending the magazine quote is just a pretext to see if you will say more to her. I would advise maintaining NC and wait until she says something more substantial. What she said doesn't merit a response from you -- and like you have said yourself, she could have and probably has talked to other people. So try to focus on yourself, not on her. That's something I am realizing too, just stay strong and try to focus on YOURSELF and all of the things I'm sure you have to do, instead of making it seem you are pining away for her and jumping at the chance to talk to her again. Otherwise you could fall back into the same cycle of breaking NC again...

[feelingitnow]

Unless he owns up to his part up front I would caution you against entertaining any thoughts of reconciliation. A lesson I learned the hard way.

 

He has taken responsibility for things in the past, and we talked about a lot about went wrong on both sides before we agreed to NC til December...maybe I am just rehashing old stuff and putting pressure on him instead of giving the space he really needs right now...it sucks, but I have told him plenty of what he has done wrong (perhaps too harshly in some instances when I got really pissed and let it all out...) -- that's why we are having the waiting period now. We both know where we stand, I think I am being weak and just looking for reasons to contact him which I have to stop doing...

[feelingitnow]

Congrats on Day 4!!

 

And thanks for responding...sounds like you are using this experience to be more self-aware, and you both need time to heal from the hurtful things that are said. Some people just need space apart to process things to heal, others want to talk about it and spend more time together to make new memories to be able to move on -- I am in the latter category, he is in the former, which is what makes me accepting the NC even harder -- we have talked about our various "disconnects" and how we are different people. But a key to true love and respect is being able to give our partners what they need too, that it's not just about us -- I guess compromise works both ways. So keep it up, try to stay busy, and if hanging with old friends is disheartening because they all seem to be happily coupled, try to celebrate and appreciate their happiness and don't lose hope that you can have that one say with the one you love too -- also try to make new friends, which I have also been trying to do myself. That can also offer a fresh perspective on things without the baggage of the past...just get through the days, day by day, and before you know it --you may be talking to her at the very least again. Focus on yourself, that is a lesson I am going to really affirmatively start implementing myself starting TODAY!

[feelingitnow]

As a follow-up, I broke NC AGAIN this morning when I texted him, I woke up being like "what am I waiting until December for, why not just end things now -- I gave him a ring I had to hold onto just as a token and something I would get back when we met again in December (not an engagement ring or anything LOL). I texted and asked him if he had anything positive to say because I was just feeling like I should just get my ring and other stuff he had back, and give up. It's so hard because I'm not a space person, I need to talk about problems directly, address them, and just move on. Space is not something that I accept willingly.

 

Anyway he responded that asking for this space was as positive as he could be, and that if I couldn't not even text for a week was frustrating to him, and that maybe I was right that we should give up. Then I was like "So you are staying positive too..." and he responded "I'm not responding any more til December." I responded that I was proud he was being more assertive, because his passive-aggressive behavior was a problem in the relationship and something I wanted him to work on -- being consistent. I am a person who needs firm boundaries set, and I test those boundaries. It make me have more respect for him that he is sticking to this, and that he actually apparently does not want to just give up like I suggested.

 

With that being said, I am going to focus on MYSELF the next 46 days ahead til we agreed to speak again -- I do have hope from what he said, and there are a lot of things to be done. Easier said than done. But I am ready now and take hope in what he said -- and his unwillingness to just give up like I suggested, I was like what are we waiting for? He doesn't want to give up either, that's what having his space now is all about. So whether I post here or start a new thread somewhere, I will start cataloging what I am working on and doing to focus on myself instead of on him and what will happen between us in the end. I have to respect him and this need for space, even if it's not a way that I would handle things myself.

 

So Day 1 will start AGAIN tomorrow...but at least I have hope now that I did not have before. And have a new focus on myself exclusively, because while he is unwilling to give up at this time, neither am I. He'll be in the back of my mind of course, but I will be doing the things I have to do instead of laying around and thinking about him and running scenarios through my brain.

 

Love is a kind of faith, a blind faith, not knowing what will happen or whether it's real or not, it's just something you have to believe in I guess and see where it gets you. I haven't stopped believing, and he apparently has not either. So, not happy about breaking NC AGAIN two days in a row now, but happy that I have some peace in my mind about where the both of us stand -- that neither one of us is ready to let the other one go for good at this time.

 

Now no more thinking about HIM, going to get out of the house, do errands, and think about ME! I urge everyone else to do the same, forget about your partners for the day and go to work, go shopping, hang out with friends -- and let the rest take care of itself!!!

[feelingitnow]

Well its 1:25 AM, which means that yesterday was Day 30... i made it, and it is now day 31.

 

I am not planning to call her, I miss her, but i am tired of being held back in my life by myself and and by that relationship. The future is mine, all mine.

 

I guess my only plan now that I have hit day 30 is simply to stop counting... might still be posting in this thread for a while, but we will see if i can stop the counting and just let it go.

 

Hey if you can do it, then we can do it too -- that's AMAZING! How did you do it, what strategies did you use to pass the time? Just curious, because I have broken NC twice in two days and can't do it again...because he is getting "frustrated" that I have not been giving him his space and can't even not text for one week. I really need to do this if there will be any hope for the future -- I want to be able to be the one posting about reaching my 30 day mark just like you -- what methods worked the best for you, because she is still clearly on your mind...

 

Any feedback would be appreciated...

[Mustachio]

Hey if you can do it, then we can do it too -- that's AMAZING! How did you do it, what strategies did you use to pass the time? Just curious, because I have broken NC twice in two days and can't do it again...because he is getting "frustrated" that I have not been giving him his space and can't even not text for one week. I really need to do this if there will be any hope for the future -- I want to be able to be the one posting about reaching my 30 day mark just like you -- what methods worked the best for you, because she is still clearly on your mind...

 

Any feedback would be appreciated...

 

Well, NC for me should have been initated right away after the breakup... but it didnt work that way, took me about 3 weeks before i finally had enough and stuck to it. Ill recap a little so you can see the process I went through.

 

First off, I have to say, my ex treated me terribly, so I was lucky in the sense that my decision was more clear than it would have been otherwise, dont know how much that applies to you though.

 

The first week, I called her every day, tried to go see her, yadda yadda yadda, of course she was lying about her reasons for the breakup, so I felt I still had a chance. Finally I saw her after a week, gave her some stuff back, and exchanged a few last words, when I finally got the truth. So at that point the urge was HUGE to call her. I ended up calling her after 2 days, hung up before she picked up, called her the next day, spoke for about a minute when i realized i had nothing to say to her. Since I realized I had already gone over pretty much everything and that the only way I would get what I wanted was if she called me first, I didnt call again. Made it to day 8 at that point, and she called me. I of course called her right back. She was just calling to see how I was doing and catch up ( * * * !?!) so it turned into a 30 minute long conversation about how hurt I was, bla bla bla, same stuff over and over again with her getting pissed off. Finally I texted her later and told her not to contact me again. Didnt hear back.

 

Made it another 5 days before randomly out of the blue, She accepted a facebook friends request from months ago (she had a profile, but never used it) of course that threw me for a loop, why now, what the hell, i told her not to contact me, and in my mind, accepting a friends request, especially one I sent when we were together was the same in my mind as contacting me... so I called her. Another 20 minute conversation rehashing all the crap between us, I left it by telling her that if she wants me in her life at all, she is going to have to put forth the effort. That was 31 days ago.

 

Since then, I realized that contacting her over and over again was getting me nowhere. I wasnt getting what I wanted, which at that point was to be with her, and I realized that the only way to get what I wanted was if it came from her first. I mean, do I really want to be in a relationship where I only have the relationship because I begged and pleaded and made myself look so weak that she came back out of sympathy? No. If she comes back it has to be because she wants to, and I need to be strong, looking weak helps nobody. So I still had some urges to call but I fought them off. Over a little bit of time, the urges died down a bit. And once that urge started to die down, my focus shifted. It shifted away from thinking about getting back together with her at all costs, to a small sense of acceptance really truly thinking about what i can do for myself. So I did that, started doing things I wanted to do for myself, and the more I focused on myself, the less my urge to call her was. I still think about her every day, and I still have thoughts of calling her, even just to try and be her friend, but you know what, she dumped me, she can try, just try, to be my friend if she really wants, and if not, she isnt worth it. The more I focus on myself the less I think of her.

 

Keep yourself busy is the main thing, set a goal, tell yourself you wont call for a week, then dont, and at the end of the week, see how you feel and set yourself another goal of another week, go like that if you need to. And dont be too hard on yourself if you do call, took me 3 or 4 times before I was able to take a step back, but once I stopped talking to her, it allowed me to focus on myself and really start doing things for myself. Its not easy, and I still think of her, but I am number 1 now.

 

Oh and before you know it, 1 day turns into 5, 5 days turns into 10, 10 into 20, and then at 30. You get used to not having your ex in your life, and even though I still think of her, I am much more used to the situation, and time has gone by, both very fast and very slow. But it goes by.

 

Hope that helps!

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks.

 

I came to another realization this morning. Reading a lot of others posts and how people still have LC with their ex despite ex. being confused or dating a rebound. Many people kept LC. Well, my ex. wants nothing to do with me, despite me knowing that I need to change and love her better. I kept thinking she will comeback. But she isn't if she truly loved me, she would have at least made some contact even if it was in the beginning to talk about it. But there hasn't been. I am a person who analysis tries to analysis all possibilities, but in reality, I only analysis the possibilities I that are easiest for me.

 

I need a break from her, but in a good way. I really love her so much. And I did so many things wrong. I did not compromise like you said. When we were together, I thought I did, but now I realize that I really did not compromise enough.

 

Day 5. I thought about contacting her today to try and reinforce how much I love her and how much I learned from this time apart from her. BUT I am not going to. I already have told her in my last letter. If she can't find it in her heart to believe me, forgive me, and give it another chance. Then it just wasn't meant to be.

[jj21]

Well JJ if you're on good terms, you're 10 steps ahead of the game already... That means that communication lines are still open. Whereas the other 80% of us, they are either shut up completely (whether it's by them or us).

 

Yeah I guess you're right, never thought of it that way! I know she still cares, I've just got to wait. I really want to leave it up to her to get back to me first because before we were still communicating friendly, but it was always from my side. I can't believe I've made it 12 days already!

[ApplCW]

Day 5 of No Contact

 

It feels kind of weird since it is my birthday. I sort of expect her to text me but I'm glad she hasn't. We broke up back in late June, and we kept in touch but it was always me running after her like an idiot. I'm done running.

[HeavyD]

Day 2. If she makes it past 21 I'll be thouriughly impressed lol...

[Nappyloxs]

Damn Day 5. I think that is the max I can go without talking to her even if she does not responded. Still going to fight through it. I am not going to contact her today. I just have to be strong.

[SadAndDepresse]

Yes I know for a Fact she has been asking other people to call her and she has been messaging other people. Your right the whole reason for our "break" was because I was too needy and all that... she is coming up here in less than 2 weeks anyway so I think I will continue NC until then and talk things through face to face. No need to ruin anymore of my chances of reconciliation by pushing her further away with needy calls and texts. The last thing she will expect from me is to be NC with her, maybe it will give her a slap in the face to what she had

[feelingitnow]

This is all really helpful, especially the part about how the more you focused on yourself, the less the urge to call her was -- my ex didn't treat me that bad, we are just different people and I think good intentions were on both sides, we just took a lot of time to understand our differences and our different perspectives/outlooks on the world. He's an introvert, I'm an extrovert; he is a micromanager, I'm a macromanager, etc. But yes don't be weak and the best thing is -- LOOK FORWARD -- any new potential relationship that you may have with her has to be something NEW, not a manifestation of what you have before. You both have to forgive and forget whatever happened before in order to be able to move on -- otherwise you will both stay stuck in that same spot you were in before. If there was abuse involved, then I would stay away completely (not sure how badly she treated you...) -- but otherwise, keep any potential contact focused on the FUTURE and present, not on the past. The key is to make new memories instead of talking the old stuff to death until like you said, there really is nothing new to talk about because you already talked about everything a billion times and it didn't get either one of you anywhere. Please provide updates about your progress as you focus on your goals -- and if she contacts you etc. I have a new Day 1 tomorrow, so we'll see where that goes. I feel confident in not contacting him now until the time we agreed in December though -- I am a boundaries-tester, and he made it clear in the last text message that he would not respond til December. I kind of need that and, in a way, it makes me respect him more, because his passive-aggressive behavior was always a problems we had in the relationship...

 

The friends request thing is weird that she accepted after you broke up -- maybe it means she wants to have some connection to you and doesn't want to let you go completely, and that's the best way that she knows she is able to at that point. It could also be a way for her to try and keep tabs on you, so be careful what you post there or adjust your privacy settings accordingly...if you post that you are feeling sad, etc -- it could all ultimately feed into her ego...

 

So thanks again for telling more of your own story...

[feelingitnow]

Damn Day 5. I think that is the max I can go without talking to her even if she does not responded. Still going to fight through it. I am not going to contact her today. I just have to be strong.

 

 

Stay STRONG!! Just consider the consequences and what exactly you would accomplish by initiating contact -- would it do more harm than good? What would you have to say? Or is it just for the sake of hearing the other person's voice...which may be no real good reason at all...I understand the feeling of regret about making past mistakes, not compromising or being too demanding, etc -- I was there and realize that for any relationship potential to exist in the future, I have to let that guilt go as well, and you should try and do the same thing -- stop blaming yourself, feeling sorry for yourself -- it will hold you back from moving forward and ultimately hold you back from being able to start a new relationship again with this person or with anyone else. Otherwise it'll always be inside of you. Learn from the mistakes you made, they were made -- and look ahead, don't rehash them -- just show that you are a different person now and while you can't change the past, you can change all possible outcomes in the future...

 

And I saw in your other postings that this "break" happened 2 months ago -- try to stay focused on the future. You both have to get past whatever that big argument was about that led to the break -- and rehashing it is going to lead nowhere if you can't get past it. Forgive each other, resolve whatever led to the argument, or just take the time away from each other so that the power of missing each other overcomes the pain that led to that argument in the first place. It seems like that's the place where your relationship seems to have gotten stuck...that's the roadblock that you both need to get past in order to reunite...

[feelingitnow]

Day 2. If she makes it past 21 I'll be thouriughly impressed lol...

 

CONGRATS!! Stay busy...

[feelingitnow]

Day 5 of No Contact

 

It feels kind of weird since it is my birthday. I sort of expect her to text me but I'm glad she hasn't. We broke up back in late June, and we kept in touch but it was always me running after her like an idiot. I'm done running.

 

That's a good mindset to have -- relationships should be generally 50/50 depending on life's circumstances. Her lack of even bothering to contact you even via a text or a card is pretty much self-evident. Seems like you may have the closure and answers that you need in her silence...and it's good you don't sound disappointed, almost relieved and strengthened about this as well.

 

That is a good thing!

[feelingitnow]

Tomorrow starts my Day 1 again. Got a lot done today. Did errands, got out of the house. This morning, he said he won't respond to my texts any more til December (like we originally agreed to do last week) -- I just texted when I woke up today that I felt I should just give up entirely and get my stuff back because he wasn't showing me any optimism at all about anything, because he was making me feel responsible for everything. While I do not deny that part I played in things, like others here have said it takes two -- but I am a boundaries-tester so having him set this boundary firmly makes me have more respect for him. He was really passive during the relationship, and I am happy he's putting his foot down. I need this too. And he basically rejected my request to just end things now and give me my stuff back, saying that "me asking for space is me trying and being as positive as I can be, and you can't even respect that for one week -- which continues to frustrate me. And if you can't do that maybe it's time to give up, because this is me trying..." So I am going to back off now, and focusing on myself all day was fulfilling. I have the focus I need for now, the answers I need, and am content to just let the coming weeks pass by as they may and what happens, happens. I'm not giving up, and he (in his own little way) isn't either -- I just really need to give him that space.

 

I also failed to compromise when I should have and pushed certain boundaries to the limits, so this is a lesson for patience for me. My first posting on here asked that -- whether I should just end things for good and enter NC forever (I have no interest in being friends)-- what am I waiting for; or to give him his space and see where we are in December. I've chosen the latter route and know that I have to respect his need for space now where admittedly, I have not done so before when he has asked me to do so. So tomorrow starts the REAL Day 1 -- after falling off the wagon a few times before like many of you seem to have done. Lots to do tomorrow -- looking for a new job, looking at schools, errands, etc...so much to do til we talk again in December... at least I have a mutual deadline we set, and the agenda is for us to both think about if we want to start something again...

 

So who knows... Must. Not. Break. NC. Again.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks feelingitnow!

 

Also thanks to everyone who helped last night. I made it through Day 5 which was a bad day. Starting Day 6. Feeling great because I was really down yesterday and made it through.

 

Like you said, I knew contacting her was going to do anything. I have said everything to her before. Lately, I have been remembering the good things I did in the relationship. It kind of strikes a nerve in me that she never really appreciated some of the things I did. One of which was fix her car's major problem. She thought that because I knew how to do minor car repairs that I was a master mechanic. It took me over a month to fix her car last December. She was pissed when I said I did not know how to really do it, thinking I was lying to her and just did not want to do it. Pissed when she had to buy tools, Pissed that it took so long, pissed that the bumper was hanging a little. Pissed that she spend $400 on a $1000 job. Plus, I had to wake up every morning to get her to work by 7:30am for over a month.

 

I know I did some good things.

 

Your are right. I really need to let the blame go. It been a process. At first I blamed her. For the 1st 2 weeks of the breakup, I did not contact her. I blamed her. Then I blamed myself. Now, I just have to realize that both of us are to blame and that neither of us is to blame.

 

I have given up on the reuniting. She has not contacted me for two months. She lives with a person who hates me and all relationships. This person is also therapeutic in she always goes out, so my ex. is her partner in crime now. Plus, I know my ex. her stubborn pride won't let her comeback.

 

Try not to look towards Dec. with your ex. Try just to look at today and know you are not contacting him. I think it is easier to just take it day by day. If you take it day by day, who knows, you may not even want to meet with him in Dec. Like my yesterday, I knew that today I would be better if I just made it through yesterday. One day at a time.

[feelingitnow]

Day 1 (again)

 

Helping my roommate with some stuff and going to do errands, looking for a new job -- trying to stay busy today...thinking about him but trying not to. Can't break the NC again, it's a sucky feeling to be at the start again -- I relate to milkandhoney's posting about that feeling where having more answers is good, feels like taking a step backwards. But he made it clear me that not giving space "frustrated" him so I can't do it again. So now it's 46 days to go til we can talk in December; trying not to think of the unknowns and just do what I have to do...

[feelingitnow]

That's a good plan of not thinking about December...just one day and one week at a time. I haven't given up yet and still have hope -- I can relate to the car repair thing, my brother did that repeatedly for his ex-gf when they broke up, and basically she just went to him when she wanted help with the car and he did it because he thought she'd appreciate it. They've been apart now for over a year (and have a kid too so have to talk every day!). I am going to try and take it day by day and not keep thinking about December, which still seems so far away. Some other postings show that when people have given up completely is when things end up working out in the end. I guess giving up on the old relationship is key and realizing that anything that happens in the future has to be something brand new. I will try and remember that lesson by not repeating December over and over again...it's just about TODAY.

 

Congrats on gettings through Day 5 without contacting her!!! It's a good step you are letting the blame and the past go. Focus on the future...and it sucks she has this influence on her that she lives with, it's probably somewhat of an escape for her so that she does not have to think about you, because she lives with this person. Also sounds like she's weak if she is going to let this person affect her decisions in life, including her relationship to you. It sounds very open-ended and sucks that she didn't at least give you a timeline for when the supposed "break" is supposed to reach its end. Just give her that space she needs and maybe even consider taking her off of your Facebook when you're ready, if you wonder if it's for her just to keep tabs on you and what you're up to. My ex and I agreed to stay on Facebook, just to keep the door open -- but we communicated about it and knew why we did it. Sounds like your ex hasn't been a very good communicator, which is another reason why you need to wait for her to have something of substance to say and come back to you if and when she's ready...

[HeavyD]

She broke contact. Yet again. It is so blatantly obvious that I am moving on, and she HATES it. Might be a little wrong, but boy, am I soaking this up like a sponge...

 

She asked for $50 that she had used to rent us a surfboard at the beach the end of july....Really? Get over it, I know you're not worried about the money, and it's so easy to see right through. If she was actually nice or came off as anything but hostile I would try to keep hope for reconciliation. But at this point I just don't think that's gonna happen.

[Nappyloxs]

Just give her that space she needs and maybe even consider taking her off of your Facebook when you're ready, if you wonder if it's for her just to keep tabs on you and what you're up to. My ex and I agreed to stay on Facebook, just to keep the door open -- but we communicated about it and knew why we did it. Sounds like your ex hasn't been a very good communicator, which is another reason why you need to wait for her to have something of substance to say and come back to you if and when she's ready...

 

She took me off facebook, but my problems is I know her password. She probably knows mine too!.

 

Neither of us were probably good communicators. I did not communicate enough or in the correct way, how I truly felt about her. And she did not communicate any problems with me that she had.

 

Definitely try and take it one day at a time. When I first started NC, I was thinking about the 30 days. 30 days without communicating with her!!! But now that I take it one day at a time. Its much easier. It a more attainable goal to not contact them for one day.

[ApplCW]

Day 6

 

Woke up feeling kind of sad that she didn't text me for my birthday. Yesterday, I was glad that she hadn't wished me a Happy Birthday, yet this morning I felt sad...like something was missing.

 

Looking forward to one full week of NC...didn't think I would make it this far.

[HeavyD]

Day 1! made it through, surprisingly. I thought for sure she would try and say something again.

 

Please guys, stay strong, stay focused, and resist the temptation to stoop back down to their level as much as you want to. When you finally realize how fulfilling life is without the dependence of someone else, and you see things from a bigger perspective - well, it's a feeling that can't be described... Hang in there...