BREAKING ALL THE RULES

[Beec]

I had no problem trusting her after a four months of no contact and being broken up for almost six months. But, yes I did get on with my life. I did not sit around waiting and analysing after we were back in contact. During the breakup, I think I probably went on dates with five to ten different women (I know it was at least five, then saw one or two more during our dating before it really was a relationship again. More than anything, this forced me to be aloof, I couldn't committ.) I didn't even figure out what I did do was worth trying to plan or could be planned until after it happened.

[GeeCee]

Thanks guys for the usual 'pick-up'. And thanks for being so kind today. I have been a crashing bore - couldn't see any bright side today, and yet nothing significant happened. Was not sitting around waiting for anything to happen. Just felt tired of the constant ups and downs.

 

Beec, have you stumbled accross one of the fundamental differences between men and women. What I don't like to do is going from one relationship to another (I am not suggesting that is what you did), however, although I am out and having a good time (for example this weekend had too good a time), I don't really have a wish to be dating someone else, right now. Would rather the ex is out of my system before I start dating anyone else.

 

Spatz, how is the perfect happy birthday message coming along?

 

And Beec, how is your sensual planning coming along?

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Geecee,

 

Well the birthday message is done and written - whether it is perfect or not is anybody's guess!!

 

I just wrote some stuff about her exams and knowing she will come out smiling at the end of it, then said i hope she likes the CD i got her, and that i hope the rest of term goes well.

 

Thats about it!!

 

I guess i wanted to avoid anything that would make her think about things on her birthday - as in things about us. My theory being that the nice firendly message will maybe get her thinking on a subconscious level...whatever that is!!!

[Beec]

 

Beec, have you stumbled accross one of the fundamental differences between men and women. What I don't like to do is going from one relationship to another (I am not suggesting that is what you did), however, although I am out and having a good time (for example this weekend had too good a time), I don't really have a wish to be dating someone else, right now. Would rather the ex is out of my system before I start dating anyone else.

 

And Beec, how is your sensual planning coming along?

 

G xx

 

I have stumbled onto something?? Never realized this was a male/female difference, but know I am a get right out there again guy. I just thought it was me and my character. Fits my character when I played sports that could get you knocked down. My reputation was of someone who always got up and kept playing, not matter what happened in a game. I never thought about it until someone compared someone else to me, a few year after I left high school. GeeCee, your comments do seem to fit with my past experiences. I have much to learn.

 

Still in the drafting stages on the planning, although I had an idea today. Being a NYC resident, one does not take a bath. Our bathtubs cannot be cleaned to a standard worthy of placing my body into it, other than just allowing my feet to touch. But I thought of how to get access to a decent bathtub. From there the plan will have to develop.

[GeeCee]

Spatz - good move honey. I think getting her to think on a subconscious level is a great move. I don't know about anyone else, and I am certainly no expert, but I think that we make conscious decisions based on our subconscious desires, and them attempt to justify them with reasonable arguments.

 

Hope you are OK today Spatz - you must have been feeling better, because it surely was a gorgeous day!!!

 

Beec - you are humouring me!!! Cheeky bugger!!!

 

Love to you all.

 

G xxxx

[GeeCee]

Beec said:

 

Being a NYC resident, one does not take a bath. Our bathtubs cannot be cleaned to a standard worthy of placing my body into it, other than just allowing my feet to touch.

 

Oh dear!!!!

 

G xx

 

P.S. I am feeling sooooo proud of myself - have never done a quote before!!!

[spatzcolumbo]

CHeers Geecee,

 

i am indeed feelin a bit better - but in a weird way. the nice weather helped - but i am feeling kinda lost. not sure how to describe it really - kinda knowing that i feel better for having a good reply from her the other day, and feeling strange writing her card on a 'friends' basis when i know i am actually playing this whole game to try and win her back. And also feeling slightly sick in a strange way in that i'm kind of nervously excited about the fact that i could be seeing her in 2-3 weeks, and i am nervous / excited about what the reactions might be like - both from my point of view and hers. Because to be honest i really don't know, other than that it will bring back a whole load of feelings on my part. I'm also nervously excited about the prospect of speaking to her in a week to wish her happy birthday.

 

I just want to get it right to give myself a real shot at winning her back. Also wouldn't mind knowing if she actually HAS met someone else!!!

 

Oh well, looking forward to tomorrow when no doubt i'll feel different AGAIN!!!

 

Ohyes, and also a little confused readin Beec's posts about bath tubs...but i won't ask

[GeeCee]

No confusion Spatz - my mother used to live in New York - they really do not have bath-tubs, and when they do - they are filthy!!!!!

 

G xx

 

P.S. No offence to Beec intended.

[Beec]

No offense taken. I scrubbed my tub this weekend with oxygenated bleach. The stuff is normally a great cleaner. However, I still have the same blackish streak running down the middle of my tub. If I filled my tub with bleaching powder, it would still be there. Apartment dwellers in NYC do not clean their tubs often enough for them not to get stained and downright ugly.

[spatzcolumbo]

That explains it. I have to admit last time i was in New York i was only 14 and probably too young to bother rememebering stuff like that. I was too excited by all the people rushing around and the yellow cabs!!

 

Hahaha, good memories!!

[GeeCee]

I truly am pathetic at this no-contact rule. Goodness me, I am on my second day of no-contact, and all I can think about is calling/texting/emailing. It would be so much easier than this inactivity. I am in awe of you guys who maintain it so solidly for days on end.

 

How are the rest of you guys coping? Oh, the sun was not shining today, and that really doesn't help!!!

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey Geecee,

 

Stick with it - it gets easier!! I promise!!

 

As for me - check out security tennis - a few pages back from the current post is my latest post - my game plan for the next few weeks!!

 

Hope it works!

 

And hopefully the sun will be shining again soon

[rivergirl]

GeeCee,

No contact does get easier, then it gets harder, then easier and so on. I am working my way up on month two. I did break down and return a call one night because I just couldn't justify not calling if he wanted to extend himself. But other then that I have left the calling up to him. I'll probably give him a ring sometime soon. None of our conversations thus far have involved our break up and I know that I can keep it a light fun talk. We didn't have a yelling, screaming, cursing, hateful, cheating, lieing, break up. So really there is no ill will between us. We just grew apart due to distance and he didn't know how to deal with that and wasn't willing to try. Anyway I think as long as your break up is amicable and you can stay away from the topic of "us" then why not. Just don't call for no reason though. Make sure you have something exciting and fun lined up to tell them about. Otherwise be ready for uncomfortable pauses and more chances to fall back on what you really want to talk about. Why they ditched you...

Anyway you can do no contact, the longer the easier. But don't deny yourself a friendship...

[Stingseed]

Hello Guys

 

I am heart broken. I need advice with ex-girlfriiend the no-contact of sort and stuff

 

This is what happen. I meet her year and half ago. We fell deeply in love well the usual as you guys may know. At the end of January she comes out saying that she has done something horrible and that i am going to hate for it. (Don't get her wrong she loves me very much). Well anyways she came out saying that she cheated on me with some guy she knew for some monhs. Well the usual happen she said she was sorry, and that she still loved me. The thing is that she fell so deeply in love with me that she never had the chance to meet other people thereforeeee was one of the reasons for getting close to this guy. The other reason is that she said I was to jealous and not financially stable. Which I agree. I know that I must show her that these faults are corrected so that she can remember the guy she fell in love with and remember the good times we had. but the thing is this other guy she is seeing is getting in the way ( ohh what to do what to do?).

 

Don't get me wrong even though she is seeing this guy to this day she still calls me reason being she need to talk to me. Somtimes she just calls my office is as if she is afraid I will not answer the cell. I guess cause I tried to play the no-contact thing but at the most I last is about 2 or 3 days me being the one to returns her calls( the dreaded call back it is). I asked if she wnas to lose me for good. her reply was no never that I am not going to lose her. I asked her if the reason she is still telling she loves me and wants me in any way a soft way of telling me she does not want to see me no more? she says no. I am saying it cuae i mean it. I asked her Are you having a difficult time in finding the words to let me go for good and thereforeeee the reason you keep calling me? she said no. I call cause I wanna talk to you. These are some questions I have asked her there are 2 ro 3 more which I will post later. The thing is that she calls me, work and cell and when we do talk we still some of the nice little cute conversations we always have had and I do still make her laugh and whatnot. but her is the twister. I have asked her to go out and she always says maybe and never does. I tell her if she loves me, calls me, tells me she don't wanna lose me, then way can't we go out to dinner or concerts. her response is she is not ready yet, and apologizes for putting me through all of this. She is still very open with me even telling me she was afraid she might be pregant with his baby which it turns out she is not(thank god)at one point she told me she is not to serious with the guy she is seeing and that he is not serious with her cause they have only have been seeing each other for 3 months 2 months of it being behind my back. but that she still needs to see other people which drives me crazy, but I don't show here that emotion I just try to talk about it and tell her that I love her and ask why is she adding this confusing to herself and to comeback to me. I know I must be nagging her to death with all the questions I have asked her, but the reason I do it is to make sure she still loves me, does not want to lose me and most important is to make sure she is not being nice to me just to not hurt my feeling anymore. 2 weeks ago I convinced her not to go another date, and went on further I said that we should seriously try to work things out, and that I am the only man she needs. guess what she said? that i am right and that we should try, but 2 days later she changed her mind saying that even though she is seeing someone that there is another person that she wants to date thereforeeee saying she need to see other people not to mention that. This has been going for 4 weeks now everytime I seem to get close it seems I am getting further (what am I doing wrong?).

 

Well guys I do want to get back with her very badly I am deeply in love with her but I have made some mistakes in doing so. Can you help me? She is with someone but not in love, she feels she need to date but she still calls me, does tthe no-contact rule apply here? please reply......

[GeeCee]

Rivergirl

 

You're comments were kind. I think the issue I have is when I make contact either by phone, email or text, he always responds very quickly and very positively. Which, in itself sends a mixed messages. I have also noticed (because we are so sad and have so much time on our hands these days!!!) that his texts and emails now end in three kisses (I know you guys are gasping at the thought of three whole kisses!!!!!).

 

Over the weekend there was a lot of dirty flirting.

 

This is all good. But I also feel that unless I initiate contact, he is quite happy to let it slide. So here is the rub - carry on developing the friendship contact (with lots of heavy flirting), or stop the contact altogether and see whether he initiates it. When I stopped contact for 10 days he was the one who initiated it. But when I started the contact up again, for the next five days, it was always initiated by me, but responded by him.

 

If you see my earlier threads - you will see that I told him that I wanted to see him and he said he did too. Since then, neither one of us has made the first move. I know that I think that move should come from him. But what if he is waiting for me to make that move? It is in situations like this that I think that the no-contact rule goes against you.

 

Beec, what do you think? Determined, Spatz and Michael2 - your comments would also be gratefully received.

 

Anyway - it is now approaching 9.00 pm, and I know deep down that I will text him within the next hour. I am sure of it. Am trying not to, but don't think it can be done.

 

Sorry to be crude guys - and I am older than a lot of you - but what the hell happened to &*£$ing like bunnies and enjoying life? This is way toooo complicated for me.

 

In my next life, I will have a better plan!!

 

G xxx

[majord23]

 

Anyway - it is now approaching 9.00 pm, and I know deep down that I will text him within the next hour. I am sure of it. Am trying not to, but don't think it can be done.

 

 

GeeCee....put the phone down and back away nice and slowly - NOW!!!!!!

 

I'll write a proper post tonight (soon)....but in the meantime, find another way to keep your fingers occupied.

[Stingseed]

/quote Fixing a relationship is alot like picking up broken glass...the more you try to pick up the pieces, the more you get hurt

 

 

majord23 that make so much sense. do you think that applies to me as well?

 

That is really an eye opener.

[GeeCee]

Majord

 

So glad to see you back again - you have been away for some time. We are in the same time zone - and I am glad to say that I have done nothing drastic.

 

Reciting some kind of crazy mantra here - must look like a completely crazy person - and we wonder why we are alone!!!!

 

I will not phone ... I will not text ... I will not email.

 

G xx

[majord23]

GeeCee,

Glad to hear that you haven't caved yet! I haven't been around much lately….work, work work!!! Argh!

I've speed-read this topic in order to give you an 'informed opinion'….so here I go

 

You are in an excellent position at the moment…and it's usually when we are in that situation that we completely blow it. Then afterwards, we look back and could almost murder ourselves for having not taken advantage…. when it was there to be taken.

 

Right, a basic economics principle: Supply vs Demand

If a product has an adequate supply, demand will remain static or even decrease and the value of the commodity will remain static or decrease with it.

As with any commodity however, the value of the commodity increases if its' supply diminishes…..and those who 'demand' it have to pay a higher price.

Simple economics, right? Well, lets look at it in a relationship sense.

 

Your ex *demands* security….and at the moment you are more than meeting his demand with your supply of it (ie texts etc.)….thereforeeee he isn't fully appreciating it's value. Obviously the 'value' I speak of isn't monetary, but by 'value' I mean the amount of effort that he has to 'spend' in order for you to make him feel secure.

 

So, in essense, he (at the moment) is having to make NO effort whatsoever in order to feel secure….but what do you think would happen if you decreased the 'security supply'? He would simply have to pay more…he would have to make more of an effort.

And as with anything in life, the more you pay for something, the more you appreciate it.

 

When you are in contact with him, it is flirty…which is great – it means that you can still relate to each other openly in a sexual way…but the downside is that he will end up with the impression that he will always be able to have you…whenever, and wherever he wants to.

 

I think it was you that quoted an old saying "Do as you have always done, and you will get what you have always gotten"…well ask yourself, where has the amount of contact you have now, where has you initiating this contact, and where has the nature of your contact gotten you?….

 

That's why you have to change your behaviour or else you are going to remain in 'No Persons Land' (the pc equivalent of 'No Mans Land' ) for some time longer.

 

Put simply, if you want his behaviour to change, you have to change yours.

Yes it's hard, it is DAYUM hard….I couldn't do it….but if I had my time over, I would have made more of an effort…because I know that my outcome would have been different.

 

Decrease your supply in order to increase his demand…and the price he is willing to pay. YOU have the power to do it GeeCee….now you just have to find the strength.

[GeeCee]

Majord, Majord, Majord - I am soo soo soo glad you are back - always the voice of reason. Where would we be without the likes of you and Beec and Spatz?!?!?

 

Of course, as always you are right. You are so damn right. I know that you are right.

 

I will continue to chant my little mantra. Maybe I will even start believing it!

 

You think this is still salvagable? I am beginning to have my doubts - those late-night doubts creep in and that's when I cave in!!

 

Hope you all sleep well.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

'Late night doubts' Sounds kinda like a song to me!!!

 

I know what you mean tho...when you get those late night / early morning feelings where you just feel more screwed up than ever....do something else - watch TV, go to bed, have a shower, just dont sit there thinking about it - i've done too much of that!!

 

And isn't it just the worst not knowing whether or not its gonna happen!?!

[GeeCee]

Which is when you get to thinking, Spatz, THIS IS NOT WORTH IT!!! If we say that to ourselves enough, surely we can even start to think it is true?

 

Hell, I am going to make myself feel a whole lot better, and watch Sex and the City!!!

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

I think it IS worth it though. because if you really wanna be with that person then its worth going through the pain just to be in with a shot at it. And if it doesn't work out then at least you know you tried your best and cant have any regrets.

 

Watching Sex and The City doesn't sound good - isnt that gonna get you in a horny mood and thinking about sex and relationships??

[GeeCee]

Majord said

 

GeeCee....put the phone down and back away nice and slowly - NOW!!!!!!

 

Majord - thanks - great visual - you made me laugh out loud!!

 

G xx

[majord23]

Majord, Majord, Majord - I am soo soo soo glad you are back - always the voice of reason. Where would we be without the likes of you and Beec and Spatz?!?!?

 

 

I will blush on behalf of myself, spatz and Beec

 

GeeCee, this is definitely salvageable. The very fact that your ex replies in a flirtatious manner speaks volumes.

If you knew someone fancied you, but you didn't want to encourage them….would you flirt with them? I know that I sure as hell wouldn't.

 

You just have to withdraw a bit…make him chase you and make him face the prospect of *not* having you around. He won't like the uncertainty (it will be a new and unexpected experience for him)…and will definitely reflect in his behaviour.

 

Obviously, at the moment, he is able to last longer without contacting you….but he has shown that he will initiate contact if the length of 'silence' goes beyond his comfort zone…the key is to exploit that and push him to the edge of his comfort zone consistently.

I guarantee that his tolerance (currently standing at around 10 days) will slowly decrease…to the point that you will be able to last longer without contact than him…subtly the power will shift and it will be *him* supplying *you* with security.

 

You are also at an advantage because you are female (not being sexist, but speaking from experience). Men don't seem to deal as well with the prospect of an ex starting to see someone else….we appear to have an extra 'jealousy' gene (along with a 'pride' gene) that won't allow us to consider for a moment that an ex can be as happy with someone else as they were with us. Even if we are the ones to have walked away from a relationship…we're stupid creatures really!

 

Make him wonder about what you're up to and who you're with….it will drive him insane!

 

As for early mornings and late nights….always the worst times of day. I used to listen (and still do) to a song by an Australian band called 'The Screaming Jets'…the first few lines always hit home:

 

"It's been a while, and I still remember the smile you kept for me.

Lately I have missed you, and it hits me in the morning…when I'm cold.

I have nothing to say….but I can't change a thing."

 

Keep your chin up GeeCee….and sleep well tonight knowing that you will have control back in this situation….you've just got to have a little faith in yourself, and how much effect you can have over your ex if you exploit his insecurities.