dds10 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 My boyfriend (of 8 months) and I went on separate vacations during the holiday break...we both went back to our respective hometowns. He hung out w/ an old friend of his (female) a few times over the break. This is the 1st time I have heard of this friend. Yesterday he told me that she is coming to visit him in a couple months and will be staying at his place for the weekend. He wanted to know if that would make me mad. I said no and he was like are you sure? And I still said no. Then he said, "she knows about you, and I'm not into her or anything." I thought about that and it kind of bothered me that he said that. I should assume that he's not into anyone else anyway, right? Why add that statement. I dunno, at the time it didn't bother me but thinking about it today it did. So today I asked him why he thought I would be mad about it, he said he didn't know, he just felt like asking. I asked him a couple more questions about the whole thing, and then he got upset because he felt like I was grilling him. I guess I just want to know 2 things. I am pretty naive about relationships sometimes so I want some opinions. a) should I be mad that this female friend is coming up just to visit him and will be spending the weekend at his place? b) should I be upset about the additional comments he made that nothing is going on between them? Oh, I would like to add that today I also asked him what if at the time he asked I did say that I would be mad about it? And he said that wouldn't change the fact that she's coming. Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 well it sounds to me like he just wanted to reassure you that he's not into her. Link to comment
rosephase Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Well, he is acting like he thinks you should be mad. Which is strange. It seems like it might be a big deal to him, because he was bracing for it to be a big deal to you. I don't really know what that means. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I would take that as a red flag, when he stated, "she knows about you." If she is just a friend, why didn't he mention to you that he was spending time with her before he went there? Also, I'm sure that he called you while he was away, did he mention her to you then? I would also tell him that "you're looking forward to meeting her when she comes there to stay with you, and of course he'd want you there too". Link to comment
dds10 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 I would take that as a red flag, when he stated, "she knows about you." If she is just a friend, why didn't he mention to you that he was spending time with her before he went there? Also, I'm sure that he called you while he was away, did he mention her to you then? I would also tell him that "you're looking forward to meeting her when she comes there to stay with you, and of course he'd want you there too". Yeah he did mention that he was hanging out with her while he was on break. He also told me today that he had told her one of the highlights of the weekend would be her meeting me. So yes, he does want her to meet me. Am I overreacting? Link to comment
dds10 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 Also, should I ask to spend the night at his place too when she is there? Will anyone feel like I am intruding? I don't want him to feel like I'm there to keep an eye on him.... I dont know Link to comment
Lights Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I agree that it's a little odd that he seemed to have everything ready to defend himself - like HE felt he was doing something that would make you upset. It'd be different I think if he said he just had a friend coming to visit, and you got upset and then he reassured you, but the fact that it was all part of what he initially said is almost like he's trying to CONVINCE you that he isn't attracted to her. Ya know? Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Maybe he has known this friend way longer than you? When I'm dating a guy I don't give him a list of every single male friend i have and have ever had, especially since she doesn't even live in the same city as you. Maybe you have done other things to make him think you would be annoyed at it? From what you've written, it doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong. I remember when I was visiting a male friend (I was coming from out of country though and stopping in his city) he had a girlfiend and i stayed with him for a few days, ( he had other flatmates as well) and I shared a room with his flatmate, and somet nights i would stay in my friend's room but on those nights he would stay at his girlfiend's place. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I agree with shikashika. I think he was just trying to reassure you. No, you should not ask to stay at his place..either you trust him or you don't. If you ask to stay at his place you are sending the clear message that no matter how much he tried to reassure you, you don't trust him. If he has been friends with her for a long time and he never had a romantic relationship or sexual relationship with her then I think you should just let it go. Link to comment
Mavh25 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Why the heck does she have to stay with him, why does she have to come down, why would she be staying if he;s never ever even mentioned her before... seems fishy...why why whyyyy... nope. I would not be ok with that personally. But if you trust him, then don't worry. You know him better than anyone. Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Why the heck does she have to stay with him, why does she have to come down, why would she be staying if he;s never ever even mentioned her before... seems fishy...why why whyyyy... nope. I would not be ok with that personally. But if you trust him, then don't worry. You know him better than anyone. because they are friends!! If a male friend of mine was coming from out of town i wouldn't tell him to get a hotel. And why would he have had to mention her, I wouldn't mention every single male friend I have who lives out of town to a current boyfriend. I'm just trying to see it from his persepctive. I probably have 40 or so male friends that live out of town... I wouldn't have any reason to mention it because they are not that special to me. Link to comment
volpe Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 i can see it both ways but the big red flag is that when you asked him if you'd had a problem with it he said it wouldn't change anything. if you are in a relationship with someone, you have to compromise. and i think if you did have a problem with a woman staying at his place it would be understandable especially since you never met this woman before or heard about her. my boyfriend has a good female friend and it doesn't bother me if she crashes at his place in his livingroom, I don't have to be there, I know they were friends way before I ever met him. But this is a little different and I think there is a gray line. But especially since he didn't say he would change plans for you, that is a concern. Link to comment
dds10 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 i can see it both ways but the big red flag is that when you asked him if you'd had a problem with it he said it wouldn't change anything. if you are in a relationship with someone, you have to compromise. and i think if you did have a problem with a woman staying at his place it would be understandable especially since you never met this woman before or heard about her. my boyfriend has a good female friend and it doesn't bother me if she crashes at his place in his livingroom, I don't have to be there, I know they were friends way before I ever met him. But this is a little different and I think there is a gray line. But especially since he didn't say he would change plans for you, that is a concern. Thank you, I believe this is probably what bothers me most. He has had female friends crash at his place before when I'm not there, and not only did it not matter to me, but he also never asked me if I was mad about it. This situation is different since I don't know the girl and she's not just looking for a place to crash, she's coming here specifically just to visit him. Originally when he asked, I didn't think I had a problem with it. But the next day when I thought about the situation I realized I am kind of uncomfortable with the whole thing. You're right, the fact that it doesn't matter whether it bothers me or not is a concern. Well, what do I do from here? The next time I am seeing him is next weekend and I'm not sure if I should bring up the same issue again a week later. Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 i can see it both ways but the big red flag is that when you asked him if you'd had a problem with it he said it wouldn't change anything. if you are in a relationship with someone, you have to compromise. and i think if you did have a problem with a woman staying at his place it would be understandable especially since you never met this woman before or heard about her. my boyfriend has a good female friend and it doesn't bother me if she crashes at his place in his livingroom, I don't have to be there, I know they were friends way before I ever met him. But this is a little different and I think there is a gray line. But especially since he didn't say he would change plans for you, that is a concern. Why would he change his plans though... I'm confused. I can only go on what the OP has written, but it seems to me like he made sure he talked to her about it and reassured her that there was nothing going on. People say, "Why didn't he mention her?" Well, I explained why I thought that in my previous posts, and if he HAD mentioned her, then what? The OP may think, "Why does he mention this friend?" ESPECIALLY if he told her he is going home to hang out with her. So it seems to me like with this guy, darned if he mentions his friend, darned if he doesn't. Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 well, let's just say he had mentioned her... and told you that she was a good friend and he had plans to hang out with her a lot over christmas. Would you then be wondering, "Who is this girl?" "What are they doing together?" Does he know about every single male friend you have? Every single male friend that lives out of town? just curious! Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 NO and NO. I think he's being considerate (as a good boyfriend should be) to ask if having a female friend stay at his house would make you uncomfortable. I really think it's as simple as that. If it makes you uncomfortable, just tell him. Say something like, "I'm feeling uncomfortable about the situation because I don't know anything about this girl. I think I would feel a lot more comfortable if I could stay with you that weekend, too, and then the three of us could hang out and have fun together." YS EDIT: I think the additional comments were him trying to reassure you that there's no funny business going on, that she's just a friend. Why would he do that? As you can see from the other responses here, women (and men) get crazy jealous and suspicious about the littlest things. I think he's trying to avoid that. How would I feel? Personally, having a female friend stay with my boyfriend wouldn't bother me... but being excluded would bother me (I like to be part of the party ;-)). That's why I suggest if the three of you could hang out the weekend she visits. Link to comment
dds10 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 NO and NO. I think he's being considerate (as a good boyfriend should be) to ask if having a female friend stay at his house would make you uncomfortable. I really think it's as simple as that. If it makes you uncomfortable, just tell him. Say something like, "I'm feeling uncomfortable about the situation because I don't know anything about this girl. I think I would feel a lot more comfortable if I could stay with you that weekend, too, and then the three of us could hang out and have fun together." YS You said you think he's being considerate by asking, but you may have missed the part when I wrote that if it did make me uncomfortable, nothing would change. I thought about asking to stay over there, but I feel like if he knows it makes me uncomfortable, then he should be the one asking me if I would like to stay over. I'm not sure if I should ask because it may come off to him as me wanting to keep an eye on him... Link to comment
jessmichelle Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Well he could have just added those additional things about her knowing about you and him not being intersted in her to reassure you. Even if I wasn't mad I would appreciate my boyfriend making sure it was ok with me. It just probably means he cares enough about you to take into consideration your feelings. He probably just wanted to be 100% sure you would be ok with it becuase he didn't want to risk upseting you at all. I can understand getting upset about an old female friend staying at his place with him because it seems a little odd. I think getting upset with him for trying to make sure you were ok with everything is a little silly. But I don't know all the details of your relationship or if he has broken your trust before to make you not trust him now. Link to comment
dds10 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 It just probably means he cares enough about you to take into consideration your feelings. He asked me if it would make me mad, but then when I said what if I did say it would make me mad, he said that it wouldn't matter and that nothing would change! Isn't there something wrong with that? And no, he hasn't broken my trust before. That's one of the reasons why I'm wondering if I'm overreacting Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 You said you think he's being considerate by asking, but you may have missed the part when I wrote that if it did make me uncomfortable, nothing would change. I thought about asking to stay over there, but I feel like if he knows it makes me uncomfortable, then he should be the one asking me if I would like to stay over. I'm not sure if I should ask because it may come off to him as me wanting to keep an eye on him... the way i read your original post was that he said it doesn't change teh fact that she is coming.. did i read that correctly? That (to me) seems different to what you are saying here. It seems like he DID try and make a lot of effort to accommodate you and reassure you she is just a friend. Just say you are looking forward to meeting her! you will be the one who is confident and positive. Good luck! Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 the way i read your original post was that he said it doesn't change teh fact that she is coming.. did i read that correctly? That's exactly how I read your initial post, as well. Did I misunderstand? Even if it did make you mad... well, put yourself in his shoes. Let's say you had a male childhood friend and you reconnected with him. Let's say that your boyfriend didn't approve. Would you abandon the friendship? That would be rather insecure and controlling of your boyfriend, wouldn't it? Wouldn't you feel like your boyfriend should love you enough to give you the freedom to have your own friends and make your own decisions? While I totally understand why you're annoyed, because it feels like he's not taking your feelings into consideration, I hope that you can take his position into consideration, too. YS Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 ... Very bad...... Very very bad.... .... ??????????????????????????????????????????? misskitty, why is it bad to go on separate vacations during christmas? This is a time for family. I would go stay with my family over my boyfriend's family. i would presumably see my boyfriend all the time. Especially as they were only dating 8 months... dating does not mean joined at the hip. I don't know too many couples that you would take him to mum and dad for christmas when you have only been together 8 months. Also, what is so wrong with hanging out with an old female friend?? Is he no longer allowed to hangout with anyone female? He wasn't lying or deceitful about it. Link to comment
dds10 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 That's exactly how I read your initial post, as well. Did I misunderstand? Even if it did make you mad... well, put yourself in his shoes. Let's say you had a male childhood friend and you reconnected with him. Let's say that your boyfriend didn't approve. Would you abandon the friendship? That would be rather insecure and controlling of your boyfriend, wouldn't it? Wouldn't you feel like your boyfriend should love you enough to give you the freedom to have your own friends and make your own decisions? While I totally understand why you're annoyed, because it feels like he's not taking your feelings into consideration, I hope that you can take his position into consideration, too. YS Yes you read it right, but I left out that he also said "too bad." I think a childhood friend situation would be different from this one. He knew this girl in high school, and they re-connected over the holiday break, apparently. Also, holiday break is the first time he's mentioned her to me. What I wonder is, why is she in his life to a greater extent all of a sudden Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Yes you read it right, but I left out that he also said "too bad." I think a childhood friend situation would be different from this one. He knew this girl in high school, and they re-connected over the holiday break, apparently. Also, holiday break is the first time he's mentioned her to me. What I wonder is, why is she in his life to a greater extent all of a sudden well, like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I wouldn't mention anyone who wasn't that important to me. However, I HAVE rekindled old high school friendships with male friends recently and NONE of them do I have even an the teensiest bit of romantic attraction towards. I'm just saying this because I have rekindled old friendships too and there is no romance there whatsoever. I can only go by what you have written here. I understand you may be annoyed by it.. but it did seem that he tried to reassure you to begin with and that he only added the 'too bad' after you got annoyed with him and began questioning him. If I were him, he may feel like you don't trust him because you brought it up again, so that could have brought on the 'too bad' comment. Link to comment
amipushy Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Why don't you say, "I'm sorry, I was being silly, of course I don't mind her coming, I am looking forward to meeting her and us all hanging out together". Link to comment
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