Dating someone with herpes?

[fabulous]

I've been looking for advice on this and came accross this forum, so I thought I would see what some more experienced people had to say about this, and I'll try to keep it short.

 

Right before Thanksgiving, I started talking to a guy. We started talking because of our similar interest in music, movies... basically what we found entertaining. And it built up into talking and texting for hours everyday until we decided to go out together, see a movie, and then see what we thought of eachother after that. We hit it off really well, and decided to see eachother again. Eventually, we even decided that what we had was more than just dating.

 

We had been on a quite a few dates when he asked me to come to his house and meet the family. I went over there. We had made plans to go eat, and watch some movies back at his place. I've been really attracted to him since the first date and was happy when we FINALLY kissed. One thing led to another and I felt kind of like a teenager again.

 

Then, he stopped to tell me that he had herpes and wanted to tell me because he cared about me, and would never let me go into this without knowing. It doesn't even change the way I feel about him. I'm crazy about him. I just don't know how to go about it. I know what it is and how it's contracted, but people have relationships all the time where one person has it and the other doesn't. And you know that their relationships involve sex. So how do we go about doing that should the time come? And is it normal to NOT run when someone tells you that? When I was a teenager, I would have ran if someone told me that. But now, I'm looking forward to finding the right one and settling down. I don't want to rush out the door if there is a possibility that he could be "that guy".

 

I'm just not sure what to do here and any advice would be considered great advice for me as to what to do and how to act. I've never been in any situation like this before and I don't know what to do. I just know that this information has not changed the way I see him at all and I want to try to make this work as best as I can.

[redhearts]

Well I don't think you could have kids with him unless the herpes spread to the kid. I mean what if things don't work and you catch it? There are sites for people with permanent STDS to date others with the same thing. Your risking your health right now.

 

Even if he takes medications, even if no signs are present you can still catch it.

 

Now this is genital and/or the other type?

[rosephase]

Well, the first thing I would do is get tested yourself. A western standard blot test. You have to ask for it by name. As of now it is the only test you can get that can tell you if you have herpes if you don't have an out break. You might have herpes and not know it so before you start having sex this would be a very good thing to do so you know what you are dealing with.

 

Other then that I would talk to him about what he has done with partners in the past. Also I would sit down and do some research so you you know how you feel about the idea of getting herpes.

 

Here is a great website with really good info, it's well worth the reading.

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[rosephase]

Also, I would ask this guy if I was in your position (or a gal for us guys out here) for a complete STD testing with results you can see. Like the other poster said, test yourself too, you never know. Dig into his history a bit so you have a feel for the risks he has taken. He could have a lot more on him then he's telling you or simply he does not know himself.

 

Maybe he was risky after taking his last STD test. You don't know

 

Ask, see for your self, don't put yourself at the risk.

 

Talking to him about who he got it from and how he deals with it is a very good thing. But I wouldn't come at it like he has done something wrong to have it. I wouldn't assume he is risky. But it is important that you, and him feel comfortable about talking about this.

 

It might be good to sit down and ask him how he feels about having herpes. What type he has, if he has given it to anyone in the past. Having an honest open conversation is good for both finding out what you want to know and a really good thing to do in a new relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

That's a tough situation to be in.

 

I would wait, and see if you two are a good match, and want to be in a committed relationship, before taking it any further.

 

Nothing is saying you have to have sex right away, and in this case, I would take my time before deciding. If it's meant to be, I'm sure you'll find a way around it.

 

Best of luck...

[rosephase]

sorry, the test you want to ask for is the Western Blot Serology. It is the only test that can tell you if you have herpes and don't have outbreaks.

 

You can read about it here:

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[fabulous]

Thank you guys so much. I'll definitely be doind what some of you have told me! Some of it is kind of scary and some of it is a relief!

[mezmerist]

The virus lives in the nerve root, and will come out sometimes, which is when someone has an outbreak. Although, sometimes even without an outbreak, a person can be "shedding" virus.

 

From my personal experience, I have herpes, and I have always been completely honest with whomever I was about to be intimate with. For me, there has only been 3 guys since I got it. 2 guys I ended up in relationships with, and they knew exactly what they were getting into. I may be lucky because I rarely experience outbreaks (maybe once a year, if even). In both of my relationships, we started off using condoms, but eventually, that stopped, and I have not given it to either of them. (unless they both have it with no symptoms). I am not recommending doing this, as you should always protect yourself as much as possible. But in my experience, sometimes maybe the most logical action goes by the wayside. I was very careful with making sure that I wasn't having an active outbreak though. But I can't help if I ever experienced "shedding". I hope this helps a little bit. You are not crazy for still feeling the same way about this guy. You have to decide if it is worth the risk for you. And it's true, if you ever had it, and became pregnant, you would go on medication, and if there was any chance you were having an outbreak during labor, the doctor would perform a C-section and the baby would not be in danger.

[fabulous]

You've all been very helpful. I'm just so used to going after what I want when it comes to sex in my past relationships, and now I don't really know if I can do that... I'm not really sure of what I can do at all.... I know that I would be taking a risk if we had sex, but I don't know where to draw the line I guess.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I would wait a long time before having sex.

 

However, I think you are thinking with your head on straight and being very compassionate to him. He sounds like a great guy and I'd take things one step at a time.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Well I don't think you could have kids with him unless the herpes spread to the kid. I mean what if things don't work and you catch it? There are sites for people with permanent STDS to date others with the same thing. Your risking your health right now.

 

Even if he takes medications, even if no signs are present you can still catch it.

 

Now this is genital and/or the other type?

 

You can have kids without it being transmitted to the kid.

The only time you worry is if you are having an outbreak and then they just do a csection. Problem solved. Chances are you have been exposed to the Herpes virus at some point in your life anyway.

[Montrell274]

i got into the scenario of meeting a girl and she didn't tell me that she had herpes till like the 4th month into the relationship. kinda felt betrayed and couldn't live it down. i broke it off with her because of the fear, etc.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I found out I had herpes after being with my bf for 5 months already.

He didn't run. He did the exact opposite of what I expcted: he said breaking up was not an option, b/c he knew he didn't want to be with anyone else anyway.

[fabulous]

Thanks guys, you have really shown me that this can work out despite the fact the he has this. He's coming to my house Friday and I plan to talk to him then. I just really don't want to have that type of conversation through texting or talking on the phone. I want to know that I'm getting the truth, although I don't think he would lie to me about anything, considering he's told me this. You have all been very helpful by telling me how to go about this, and giving me some facts about it that I didn't know. You guys are great!

[LAYAAN]

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You can read this. There is a para about trasmission rate from mom to infant.

 

I agree with many posters here.

- get yourself tested first.

- whether your baby will catch infection or not is a matter of chance. There is always a possibility that it will. You sit down and ask yourself, are you willing to take this chance? Is this man worth putting your life, your relationship, your baby, your finances at risk?

- If this man has herpes, does he know how he contracted it? does he have other STDs as well?

- He should have told you this before you guys got intimate. Not after. ("I care about you" is BS, IMO. You are telling this to a woman after she is emotionally hooked to you. So much for being an honest man...)

- If cutting ties n moving on is hard now, trust me, its gonna be much harder later on.

- If I'm in your shoes, I'd do some reading, ask for opinions from physicians, collect facts from the guy and decide what you can and can't live with. I personally won't do it, I would cut the ties and begin the moving on process (may sound mean to some, fine, thats me).

- I know you like the guy but he is not the only man in the world. Marriage/long-term relationships have a technical/business component to them as well. Finances, health are some of the areas that you have to pay attention to. And this is a viral infection that wont' go away. It will take a toll on finances later on. It may affect you later on. Do you really believe that there will be noone else out there for you? You can tell him "Lets not see each other for a while, give me some time to absorb this." (See I'm not using the phrase 'give me time to think about this'. Sorry, it doesn't sound honest but YOU come first, everyone else comes second. We want to get into a relationship to keep n multiply the goodness, to complement n make up for weak areas in our life. If a relationship is gonna give us a reason to worry for life, then its defeating the purpose, right?) Use this time to do the activities that other posters and myself have suggested here.

[calidreamin0]

Hm, this is a good topic. I just recently found out I have HPV and haven't been in a relationship since. I often wonder at how I will tell a guy I am dating about it?

 

If I were you, I would definetly think long and hard about this guy. If you really care for him, then chances are you would be willing to risk it. You could get it, you could not... but its your choice. Im sure he would feel pretty crappy if you dumped him JUST because he has herpes and nothing else.

[civilservant]

Im slightly bucking the trend here, but I have to be honest. I'd be gone without a seconds hesitation. Yes it might not be his, fault, yes he's been honest about it, but its not a risk I want to expose myself too (and no I haven't got it, I had a test just last week) Of course this would wholey depend on the honesty of the partner, so kudos to him for that.

[fabulous]

I get what you are saying by moving on and all, but I have already faced the facts that I'm not a catch and just about any man interested in me is worth at least the effort to find out if it's worth it. And I never even said I wanted kids. I HATE kids, so why would that even be an issue for me? And he did wait for a while to tell me, but at least he did tell instead of just sleeping with me and letting me find out AFTER the fact. He's a very honest person and we talked about how he got it. His ex had it and his words verbatum were "I was stupid and young. And we didn't use protection. I thought I could trust her, I mean we were together for so long." He also told me that when he got tested, they told him he was clean of everything else.

 

I have also been tested, after I found out my now ex was sleeping with many other women, and no I don't have anything.