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living together now... will engagement come next?


pineapple9

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My bf and I have been together for a year and a half. We moved in together a month ago. I'm a senior in college so I'm still finishing my degree which means I don't have alot of money to contribute towards the apartment but, I do all of the cleaning/cooking/buying food. Anyways, before we moved in, I told my bf that I had really wanted to be engaged, but that we could move in if he could do it in a couple months. He said he said he could do it, and every time I try to talk about it, he says "We're getting there", more like he's getting there. I've been there for a long time now. Well 4 days ago, his sister got engaged (in a relationship far less time than me and my bf) and it just got to me. Every time I try to talk to my bf about it he just says "We're getting there". When I get really upset, I have to calm myself down, and be there for myself, because when I try to go to my bf, he somehow turns the conversation around, and I'm the one at fault, even though I was the one who was upset to begin with, and I end up apologizing for something I didn't even do. I end up having to comfort him, meanwhile I'm shoving my own thoughts deep down inside telling myself just not to think about anything and I'm actually getting quite depressed.

 

He tells me he's going to propose around christmas (about 2 weeks from now), and he knows how upset I get and he just walks away when I get upset. I try to give this guy everything he needs, even if it hurts me, and now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn't have moved in with him.

 

I'm wondering if he's just using me as his personal maid/cook (oh yeah I do all his laundry too) and now he's playing mind games with me too. I worked so hard to get to this point in our relationship, that now I'm asking myself "Do I want to be with a person who does this to me for the rest of my life". Be with someone who says its "too hard" to be there for me. He knows its incredibly hard for me to give him the time he needs or says he needs or whatever, and yet he's getting what he needs, and I'm crying myself to sleep at night, or wherever else I may wind up crying. I'm comforting myself and starting to give up. I'm wondering if he's testing me with some sort of wacked out game he came up with. He knows it kills me inside and yet he expects me to act happy. I try to act happy but I just cant force it enough. I feel defeated. What do I do?

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Honestly, it sounds like you are pushing him wayyy too hard. Just because you live together doesnt mean that you have to get married. Leave him alone about it and let him come around in his own time. If you keep nagging at him, you will push him away. Just sit back and enjoy the fact that you have a wonderful home with the man that you love. Everything else will happen when it's meant to happen.

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I agree wtih Cat dancer...if you keep bringing it up, he may be feeling way too much pressure about it all. Enjoy your time together and moving in together is a HUGE step!! the fact that he agreed to do that is big...at least to me it is. Too often i find men are just scared of hitting any sort of milestone...moving in is a milestone in the direction of marriage.

 

And really...how do you know he's NOT planning something totally romantic and just avoids talking about it b/c he doesn't want to ruin a surpirse? Or maybe he wants to wait just a little longer so that his sister can enjoy her engagement for a little whiel before stealing her thunder?

 

Don't walk away or give up so easily...you might ruin a really good thing! If he says its too hard to be there for you when you are sad about no proposal it might just be too hard for HIM if he feels like less of a man b/c of it...or like he's lettiing you down...either way...its HIS shortcomings that are making it hard for him to talk about it.

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It sounds like your boyfriend is planning on proposing soon. It can be a long process - getting mentally ready, finding the right ring, ordering it, planning the proposal ...

 

I think you really need to trust that your boyfriend will do this, and STOP NAGGING. The more you nag, then likely the less he wants to propose. You moved in a month ago, and the timeline you had set was "a couple of months" to a proposal. So far, he hasn't broken your agreement, so cut him some slack. You have worked yourself up into a frenzy. Crying yourself to sleep every night? Why? You sound ready to give up on your relationship, because he is honoring the timeline that you and he both agreed to - to propose a couple of months after you moved in. Why don't you believe him when he says he will propose by Xmas? You are NOT speeding things up by nagging him.

 

Why don't you promise to yourself that you will not bring up marriage/proposal until February?

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You are pushing the matter too hard. Silly as it may seem when you really push someone like that it adds a negative reinforcement on the matter and will lead to him getting more and more upset each time it happens. These things take time and it seems he really wants to do it the right way. You need to back down on the pressure and let him sort it his way. I understand how much you want to get engaged but if you continue the way you are going it may lead to a breakup over something that's supposed to be a wonderful event.

Spend time with him by doing things that make you both happy. Keep him smiling and happy as it will make it easier for him. Enjoy the love you have right now before worrying about this.

 

Edit: (i didn't read last paragraph first time around) There are no mind games you are reading things that are not there! If he is noticing you react in this way about this matter then he wont know what you are going on about and will likely be very upset. The way you are acting will be hurting his will to propose to you. By seeing things that aren't there and working yourself up over it you will end up forcing him to distance himself and possibly consider ending the relationship. Sorry if i am being harsh but this isn't something i felt should be sugar coated as you need to do something about this now if you actually want the relationship to continue. I recommend seeking the help of a therapist on this matter and then possibly talking to your boyfriend about your fears. If he has been noticing things and being hurt by them as i expect then you may need to apologize and start working on the trust in this relationship together from scratch.

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I know how you feel, I wouldn't mention anything to him until after the holidays are done.

It used to cause a lot of fights and the such in our relationship. They are not really worth the trouble,he'll always find a way to guilt trip you into being the bad one. I say if the guy really wants to propose to you then he will do it within a year or two of you moving in together. (assuming you dated at least a year or two before) If he doesn't propose nor bring up the subject on his own, then he doesn't want to propose to you. And from there you can decide if he's worth continuing the relationship or not.

Trust me, it will end up working either way so you don't have to worry about it.

I don't really want to be engaged anymore, it's not even worth the trouble talking about it. He had his chance to do it and didn't. =) I love the whole wedding/marriage stuff for others but not for me.

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You are pushing him way to hard.

 

You've only been dating for 1.5 years. Enjoy your relationship and don't worry about marriage. You still have so much time.

 

Wouldn't you rather enjoy your youth and get married when you were more financially stable and could actually ENJOY your first few years of marriage. Rather than struggle and give up on a nice sized wedding and honeymoon?

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When I get really upset, I have to calm myself down, and be there for myself, because when I try to go to my bf, he somehow turns the conversation around, and I'm the one at fault, even though I was the one who was upset to begin with, and I end up apologizing for something I didn't even do. I end up having to comfort him, meanwhile I'm shoving my own thoughts deep down inside telling myself just not to think about anything and I'm actually getting quite depressed.

I think sometimes if we re-read what we write, we can see the answer has been with us all along. Is this how you want to live your life? Only you know what you can tolerate and what you see for yourself in the future.

I'm asking myself "Do I want to be with a person who does this to me for the rest of my life". Be with someone who says its "too hard" to be there for me. He knows its incredibly hard for me to give him the time he needs or says he needs or whatever, and yet he's getting what he needs, and I'm crying myself to sleep at night, or wherever else I may wind up crying.

Ask yourself these important questions and listen to your gut.

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1.5 years isn't very long.

I've been with my guy for five years. I'm a senior in college as well. No wedding bells here. Maybe it's because we both aren't ready financially or emotionally but I honestly don't get why so many people are in the rush to get married after they hit the "year" mark. I think that you need to go with the flow and let the relationship be. Why force it? When he's ready he'll ask you...

If he's not ready, pressuring him will make thinks worse.

Also maybe moving in with him wasn't a good idea... Especially if you felt that moving together somehow implies that you guys will get married...

Either way, I think you need to relax.

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Also maybe moving in with him wasn't a good idea... Especially if you felt that moving together somehow implies that you guys will get married...

Either way, I think you need to relax.

 

I think this is fine since you had clearly told him before moving in together and he agreed. I understand moving in with a timeline and I regret not having done so. That said, if you agree to a time line, you also need to keep your end of the stick by lettting him breathe till the timeline's expiration. You also need to be ready to put your foot down and "move out" if you feel you will be taken advantage of at that point. It's about you first and your comfort. I would be very uncomfortable having someone change his opinion of whether he wants to marry me or not.

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Don't forget your bf may not have the money yet to buy a ring, and if you've only been living together for a month it isn't long enough to get a good idea of how compatible you both are!

 

Christmas is an expensive time for everyone, so give him some space and let him reach that conclusion himself that marriage is the way forward.

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I think this is fine since you had clearly told him before moving in together and he agreed. I understand moving in with a timeline and I regret not having done so. That said, if you agree to a time line, you also need to keep your end of the stick by lettting him breathe till the timeline's expiration. You also need to be ready to put your foot down and "move out" if you feel you will be taken advantage of at that point. It's about you first and your comfort. I would be very uncomfortable having someone change his opinion of whether he wants to marry me or not.

Well what I meant is that if the MAIN reason she moved in with him is because he told her he would marry her, this was NOT a good idea. Nothing is guaranteed--anything could change, and until he presented the ring, there wasn't really proof(beyond his word) that he would marry her after moving in with her. Of course she trusted his word, but still nothing is set and stone until proven. While I'm not suggesting that moving in because of marriage is a BAD reason to move in with one another, I do believe that in her case it may have been a bad idea. She clearly is doubting her decision to move in with him and primarily because he hasn't proposed to her. While she has every right to be upset, she probably shouldn't have taken this step if the reasoning was to make sure they would get married asap.

I feel that if she wanted to properly secure that this would occur, then a ring on her finger and a wedding date should have been set, before she moved in.

I hate to say this, but so many of my friends have got caught in that trap... Moving in because a guy says he'll marry, and then once they move in, they aren't any closer to getting married than before.

I'm not saying this guy won't marry her. I'm just saying that whether he does or does not, if she was moving in with him for the sake of trying to get married asap, then this was not a good idea.

She now has to deal with the fact that he may not propose to her--right now--like he promised. And now she's stuck living with him, feeling doubtful about her decision to move in and wondering if he'll ask her.

she's also pressuring him to hurry up.

That takes the romance out of things. And also makes him feel like he has to... If this guy is ready he will take the step. He may not be, and I feel that by pressuring him this could hurt the relationship.

Honestly I do think relaxing and being patient is the key. That's all she can do. She already moved in. Two months have passed... He keeps saying he will, and then he doesn't... She can't force him to do it.

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Research shows that couples who move in together are actually slightly less likely to end up married than those who don't. So moving in together should never be about trying to get him to marry you.

 

And it sounds like you really didn't want to live with him, you wanted to get married, and perhaps you shouldn't have moved in if you weren't wholeheartedly happy about it first.

 

But he is giving you a specific time he intends to propose (around Christmas) which is just a week or two away. So weeping and acting like this when he says he'll do it shows you have no confidence he will, or else you are WAY too invested in the idea that marriage or a proposal will 'fix' everything.

 

Your efforts shouldn't be to bring him down like a caribou on a big game hunt, but to build a great relationship that has what it takes to turn into a marriage.

 

So reshift your focus into deciding whether the relationship is good enough to warrant marriage. And if he doesn't propose when he says he will (by New Years) then sit him down and talk about reasons why he hasn't.

 

If the reasons aren't good enough in your mind, then perhaps you should move out because you don't seem happy with living together at all.

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I think if you keep it up he is going to get frustrated and leave. Christmas is just around the corner. Give him a chance. Also, as a general rule, a man will propose if and when he's ready and not due to pressure being put on him. Another thing: why are you comparing yourself to your sister? Her relationship is not your relationship. Every relationship is different and has a different timeline to it and you should not worry about what other people are doing, how long they have been together etc. He has told you he wants to get married. He has even given you a concrete time: around Christmas. I think you need to let it go right now otherwise it will be forced and unromantic.

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Wouldnt you rather have it as a surprise? Something you boyfriend has planned and WANTS to do?

 

In asking him to do it, arent you defeating the object the whole thing? He should WANT to do it, then you know its REAL.

 

I think you need to look at WHY you are asking HIM and pushing him to do it.???

Will it make the relationship better, more secure? What? What will come next marriage within a year? babies?!

 

Your boyfriend is probably freaking out with your time limit and forcing him to do things. For al you know your pushing him away. Cos if he WANTED TO DO IT he would of just done it already!! be very careful here.

 

What if he had something surprised and your just ruining it?!

 

Also, if you are so keen to do this WHY DONT U ASK HIM?? ARE YOU SCARED OF HIS ANSWER??

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