Cheating/ a few years later

[mokajava]

Question:

If a guy cheats on his wife with another woman during the first year of their marriage (because marriage started off rocky), and the wife finds out 8 YEARS later....is that still considered cheating after all this time? Let's say it was 8 HAPPY AND SOLID years that produced 2 kids and the man never did it again and she found out through a 3rd party....Would the wife be allowed to get angry and upset at this point? Would it have the same importance as if she had found out right as it was happening? Would it be reasonable to re-consider and re-think the WHOLE relationship or on the contrary, focus on the HAPPY 8 years and go on with life?

[Supa_gurl]

I would still be utterly P!$$ED off!! There is not time limit on cheating. Since it was in the past and 2 children entered the equation, I think it would be worth it at this point to at least try and work it out through counselling or other means.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

It is still considered cheating. Of course it is, what else could it be considered. It seems what you're really asking is, does she have a right to get upset? Yes, of course she does.

 

At first she WILL rethink and reconsider the whole thing. Later on, she might calm down and focus on the happy 8 years and go on with life.

 

She has a right to her feelings. If someone did not want to ever suffer the consequences of cheating, one should not have cheated in the first place. And when their victim finds out what they did, they should not whine about having to suffer the consequences. They HURT someone, for their own selfish reasons, period. They don't get to whine about that hurt person being hurt by their actions.

[itsallgrand]

It's still cheating. Time doesn't delete it.

 

She is allowed to think, feel, do whatever she wants and needs to.

 

Whether it would be wise to bail out without attempting to work through and get past it is a whole other issue. I'd think it'd be worth taking the time to go through it and past it.

 

But also it would change a whole lot. A history, what a person believes to be true. Could cause a person to reevaluate everything - was it all a lie? what else is secret? what else is a fraud?

[mokajava]

I'm also wondering whether it would be as painful when you find out 8 years later? I mean, the wife could be very surprised at the beginning and very hurt, but then she could think "oh, but it happened 8 years ago and it was right at the outset of our marriage when we had problems". Maybe it's easier to forgive after all this time? I'm not condoning the husband, just saying that it's less hurtful because she has 8 years of proof that her marriage is a success?

[fragmint]

Question:

If a guy cheats on his wife with another woman during the first year of their marriage (because marriage started off rocky), and the wife finds out 8 YEARS later....is that still considered cheating after all this time? Let's say it was 8 HAPPY AND SOLID years that produced 2 kids and the man never did it again and she found out through a 3rd party....Would the wife be allowed to get angry and upset at this point? Would it have the same importance as if she had found out right as it was happening? Would it be reasonable to re-consider and re-think the WHOLE relationship or on the contrary, focus on the HAPPY 8 years and go on with life?

 

people have to be allowed to get angry these days? lol

 

firstly , the a person can feel whatever they want because no one else can change or decide what that person feels inside. sooo yes, the wife is 'allowed' to be angry and upset - because no one can tell her what to feel or stop her from feeling that way.

 

secondly, the guy deserves it if shes angry and upset at him. he cheated on her. this isnt like insurance where you have a certain amount of time to file a claim on something. the cheating didnt 'expire'. if he cheated on her during so called 'rocky times' then what if they hit another time in their lives where things arent so good anymore again? he'll cheat again? all cheaters say 'i wasnt happy in the relationship' in some way so thats hardly even an excuse if it is one.

 

id tell the guy to stop trying to get out of this with some stupid 'technicalities' about how long its been and if he wants to stay in then do whatever it takes to make it work instead of trying to come up with excuses. excuses only satisfy those who make them

[MinziGirl]

1 cheating and after that 8 years of happiness plus 2 kids? I would let it slide.

 

Sure the wife has the right to be angry but think about it, maybe he repented & haven't the guts to tell her. All in all, he did stick to the promise of faithfulness for the next 8 years.

 

If it happens again, then i think she should walk out & before doing that, she should tell him she knows about the 1st cheating but thought that he had turned over a new leaf.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is why I always tell cheaters that if they want to make their marriage work they need to be brutally honest and tell their partner...no secrets...because cheating always has a way of coming out years down the line and then it is actually worse...why is it worse...because there was deception..in this case, 8 years of deception. The wife has absolutely every right to be pissed off and also to wonder what else the husband has been covering up all those years.

[mokajava]

what if it was just that particular cheating? what if he NEVER thought of doing it again and feels disgusted by what he did? can we say that they can live happily ever after? In my opinion, I don't think the wife should worry too much since she can look back at 8 years and see that they were honest and happy years. I think cheating is evaluated a lot by the timing; that is, if you find out as it is happening. Years down the road, yes, it's still important, but it would be considered the "past" and you now have more material to work with in evaluating just how bad the cheating was.

[D_Lish]

Yeah I'd be pissed off and despite having eight years and two kids afterwards.

Still cheated all the same and the worst part for me, would be that he'd kept it secret from me and for all that time. I's rather have known and made my OWN decision, as to whether I was prepared to go on with him, knowing he'd cheated...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

what if it was just that particular cheating? what if he NEVER thought of doing it again and feels disgusted by what he did? can we say that they can live happily ever after? In my opinion, I don't think the wife should worry too much since she can look back at 8 years and see that they were honest and happy years. I think cheating is evaluated a lot by the timing; that is, if you find out as it is happening. Years down the road, yes, it's still important, but it would be considered the "past" and you now have more material to work with in evaluating just how bad the cheating was.

 

 

Absolutely there are those considerations as well...but the cheating and the 8 years of deception should certainly not be trivialized and discounted. People need to be held accountable for their wrong-doing whether it is immediately or some time in the future. In Canada we have RRSPs..the retirement savings plan...any money you put in is tax deductible....however, years down the road, when you start taking out some of the money, you are taxed on it. In other words, there is no free ride...you pay the piper either up front or down the line. Same with cheating. If the choice is to cover it up and hope it goes away, the cheater has denied the betrayed the right to make a decision on the relationship based on all the facts. He has misrepresented himself and the situation...that is a separate issue from the cheating itself. When a partner finds out about the betrayal years down the line, typically the first thoughts are "were all these years a lie". In other words, they start to question the reality of the relationship.

[mokajava]

I just think it's not the same when you find out right there and then than when you find out years down the road. When you find out in the moment, it's "fresh", it's "happening", whatever decision you make you have no idea how it will affect your future, but when it's years along, you have a "past", whatever you judge will be based not only on the cheating, but what happened AFTER that and most importantly, what is happening NOW, and if you happen to be truly happy with the husband, then I think that will have more influence in your decision than what happened in the first year. The fact that the husband never mentioned the cheating tells me that he saw his mistake and repents, and just doesn't want to cause trouble unecessarily. He's probably happy he never told her since that would have probably separated them and would have never experienced happiness with her and 2 kids.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have to wonder...are you the wife who was cheated on 8 years ago...or are you the husband who cheated 8 years ago? In your posts you seem to consistently overlook the damaging consequences of deception...you don't even mention that...in fact, there is this consistent effort to trivialize it by harping on the fact that it was so long ago in a galaxy far far away which has absolutely no bearing on what came afterwards.

[fragmint]

yeah this is normally what cheaters think will happen if they just 'dont cause trouble unnecessarily' and try to just pretend it didnt happen. its kind of like when a kid wants to do something bad. theyd rather do it and then wait till later to admit it so that they dont get in 'as much' trouble since its already 'over'. also, how is not admitting you did something wrong 'repenting' ? and now its 'unnecessary' to tell the truth for fear of consequences of you OWN decisions?

[kaoticbaby]

^ perfectly said.

[kaoticbaby]

what if it was just that particular cheating? what if he NEVER thought of doing it again and feels disgusted by what he did? can we say that they can live happily ever after? In my opinion, I don't think the wife should worry too much since she can look back at 8 years and see that they were honest and happy years. I think cheating is evaluated a lot by the timing; that is, if you find out as it is happening. Years down the road, yes, it's still important, but it would be considered the "past" and you now have more material to work with in evaluating just how bad the cheating was.

excuses. i think you're trying to come up with reasons why the woman has no right to be angry and/or end the marriage if she so wants.

 

"I don't think the wife should worry too much since she can look back at 8 years and see that they were honest and happy years."

 

how the heck could she know that? he lied to her, and deceived her for eight years. how is she to know they were honest years? i would be doubtful if i were her, regardless of what the man said. the wife shouldn't "worry too much?" i think she should worry MUCH.

[kaoticbaby]

duh. any cheater would be happy that they hadn't got caught. it is naive to think that the husband never told his wife because "he saw his mistake and repents." if that were the truth, he WOULD have told her. at least a decent man who "repents" would. if he truly cared about her, and not only himself, then he would tell her.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Let's make it something different for the sake of discussion. Let's say you embezzled money from her 8 years ago, and since then you haven't taken any more money, but she finds out about the embezzlement.

 

First, she is entitled to outrage becuase embezzling is just a crime and not acceptable. You stole her money.

 

Second, her trust is broken. She knows you are capable of stealing money, stole from her, hid it, covered it up, so she is bound to wonder if you are the man she thinks you were, or if you'll do it again.

 

And third, you hid the theft and didn't pay her back. So you made the decision to harm her, then cover it up to protect yourself. That's quite selfish. You may have stolen no money since then and tried to make some restitution via no longer stealing, but you still stole, still a crime.

 

So if you substitute cheating, you have to expect the same consequences. Cheating is the ultimate marital/relationship crime, and grounds for divorce (which is the ultimate penalty for cheating).

 

So all your good behavior won't erase the fact that you committed a crime, and have to make open restitution for it, pay your fines, take the consequences and responsbility.

 

Now comes the critical part, the sentence. If this were in court, you'd still be guilty of the crime, but the mitigating circumstances might lessen your sentence or penalty. Perhaps you'd get off with probation, or a shorter sentence. But if you are guilty as charged, you will be required to pay some kind of penalty or take some kind of punishment, unless the statute of limitation has expired.

 

Unfortunately, cheating is the 'murder' of marriages, and there is usually no statute of limitations on that one. You are guilty, and if you're lucky, she'll give you some 'in the doghouse time, then probation and time off for good behavior, but you should be expected to atone for it, and she is perfectly just in being angry, upset, horrified, etc.

 

So suck it up and serve your time, and hope she doesn't give your marriage the death penalty, which is divorce.

[createhappiness]

This is why I always tell cheaters that if they want to make their marriage work they need to be brutally honest and tell their partner...no secrets...because cheating always has a way of coming out years down the line and then it is actually worse...why is it worse...because there was deception..in this case, 8 years of deception. The wife has absolutely every right to be pissed off and also to wonder what else the husband has been covering up all those years.

 

totally agree. it's the deception, not the actual act of cheating, that will play the biggest role in screwing up the marriage. the wife will ALWAYS have some form of distrust after finding out whether it's after 8 days or 8 years. you can never just sweep these things under the rug. it has to be looked at, dealt with in a healthy, open, communicative matter, and THEN try to move on as best you can, hopefully having a marriage that is stronger, not tainted with an underbelly of distrust.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Great post! Excellent analogy!

[JeckyllNHyde]

Question:

If a guy cheats on his wife with another woman during the first year of their marriage (because marriage started off rocky), and the wife finds out 8 YEARS later....is that still considered cheating after all this time? Let's say it was 8 HAPPY AND SOLID years that produced 2 kids and the man never did it again and she found out through a 3rd party....Would the wife be allowed to get angry and upset at this point? Would it have the same importance as if she had found out right as it was happening? Would it be reasonable to re-consider and re-think the WHOLE relationship or on the contrary, focus on the HAPPY 8 years and go on with life?

it's still cheating and it could make the wife wonder what else she doesn't know about. alot of feelings of doubt come into play which are hard to shake off..

if i where the wife i'd confront the husband and yes i would be angry. he'd have alotta explainin to do. and it better be good seeing as 8 yrs in things are "happy and solid" so he should be comfy enough to communicate and express why he did it. and how he feels about the whole subject.

[orangesoda]

heh, 8 years doesn't make poop turn into chocolate. it's still poop.

 

by the same reasoning, 8 years doesn't make cheating go away.

 

if anything, 8 years is worse. Because it's not just cheating, but it's also 8 years of lying and deceit.

 

I would not hesitate to file for divorce.

[MinziGirl]

heh, 8 years doesn't make poop turn into chocolate. it's still poop.

 

by the same reasoning, 8 years doesn't make cheating go away.

 

if anything, 8 years is worse. Because it's not just cheating, but it's also 8 years of lying and deceit.

 

I would not hesitate to file for divorce.

 

Before filing, ask him why he hid it for so long? See what he says.

 

How would you have reacted if he would say he didn't tell it because he was too ashamed to & hoped that his following actions would show that he is sincere in turning to a new leaf?

 

I think everyone deserves a chance. When he has turned over to a new leaf, i really would let it slide.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Before filing, ask him why he hid it for so long? See what he says.

 

How would you have reacted if he would say he didn't tell it because he was too ashamed to & hoped that his following actions would show that he is sincere in turning to a new leaf?

 

I think everyone deserves a chance. When he has turned over to a new leaf, i really would let it slide.

 

and I think that a lot of people would...but not until after they went through a process to make that decision. I think the point is that some people may believe that just because it was eight years ago, the wife has no right to her feelings, but what they don't seem to grasp is that she has every right to her feelings, and the cheater has no right to try and invalidate that.

[orangesoda]

I don't even come close to understanding the logic behind this.

 

It's like, okay, if any of you have cheated, or are thinking about cheating, you know what, don't confess to it. Just lie and hide it for as long as you can. Because if you ever end up being caught, you can just say "baby, c'mon...it's in the past. get over it."

 

umm no.