A truly devestating experience!

[beeter64]

I read this forum more than I write on it. It's a confort to know I'm not the only one that has gone through relationship hell. Of course, there are some days when it depresses me knowing how many of us continue to suffer at the hands of selfish, narcissistic people.

Anyway, I've written my story many times in the past. I met my ex-fiance 10 years ago and dated him for five years. Finally, we were engaged. That lasted 8 months until he told me he had feelings for a married co-worker who kissed him at an event and said she also had feelings for him. Lookng back,they were probably having sex at the time. I was so naive! I told him, although I was crushed, he was free to go. Lucky me, he wanted to go to counseling and work it out. We did the counseling( individual and couples) for 6 months (couldn't afford to go further). Four years later, I ended the relationship because of his distance and inability to ever move the relationship forward. I gave him the ring when I broke off the engagement and in four years there was never any mention of it or marriage again. Ironic, since he proposed to me and was very excited about our plans at the time.

Fast forward, a year after the breakup, I see a picture of him on the internet at a Fundraiser with the married co-worker. Turns out, she is now divorced and they live about 15 mintes from me. All of this has occurred over an 8 year period. I've been away from him for two years and he's still causing me pain. I'm so angry that I gave him another chance to break my heart. I'm left thinking now that the affair never ended. He just strung me along as a safety net until her marriage (which was clearly in trouble) finally ended. Why would someone do that? Furthermore, how do you ever get rid of the hatred you feel for this person who you once loved so dearly? Will I ever stop hurting?

Anyway, for those of you who are thinking of taking back a cheater...really think hard. I wish I would have gave it more thought. If I had, I wouldn't feel like a fool who is now all alone while those two are living in bliss. So much for bad karma! It seems all the bad karma from their actions came to me. It's hard to believe after all the time that has passed, I could still feel so much pain. It's not constant but every once in a while when my mind wonders, it feels like yesterday. I just had to vent since I'm really feeling low today. Thanks for listening.

[HellFrost666]

Oh, theyll get their's no one can hide from karma. Right now it may seem like they are "living in bliss" but you don't know that. They are both cheaters, what will happen when the honeymoon ends? One of them will probably cheat.

 

If nothing else feel glad you are rid of him and there won't be a third time.

[pumpkinmoon]

I do believe in karma for many reasons, his just hasn't caught up with him yet. If he did cheat on you all this time he will probably do the same to her or she will do it to him as she was obviously cheating on her husband at the time too.

 

How have you been this past year up until you saw the photo? Do you think you have healed at all and moved on? I ask this because maybe seeing this photo is just a set back for you, a big one yes because it has opened your eyes to what might have been going on all along.

[HeartGoesOn]

Sorry that happened to you.

 

Right now they're looking at the world through rose colored glasses, and when they do finally wake up, they'll each wonder how long it will take before the other one cheats.

 

The best revenge is to live a good, honest life, which is something they'll never have.

 

Wishing you the best....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Karma will indeed come back to bite them on the butt. Who knows what is really going on in their life. A photo opportunity at a public event doesn't show what goes on behind closed doors. Do you really think behind the public smiles of Hillary and Bill Clinton things were so happy behind closed doors? Your ex and this woman have a relationship which started with dishonesty, deception and betrayal...neither of them batted an eyelash of feel remorse...that sets the stage for them to cheat on each other when the relationship starts running aground.

[loulee]

I can totally relate to the way you hurt and are feeling..but take small comfort in knowing that relationships that are built on lies and deceptions (HIS/HERS) are often fraught with problems... how do these people really ever get to trust each other when they they were both deceiving someone close to them at the time, lying constantly...accounting for time when either of them are late for any reason.. blah blah, ......it happens time and time again....you need to reach full acceptance, take pleasure in knowing SHE will never be able to really trust him nor him her......your best revenge is a happy life

[beeter64]

Thanks so much for all the great replies. It's amazing how much good advice there is out there from total strangers. I feel so much better once I read all the support posts from everyone out there. Thanks again for making a really bad day a little better.

[orangesoda]

heh, i would be my left arm that their relationship does not go the distance.

[beeter64]

I saw the photo last year and then a few months later I realized he was living not far from me probably with her. It's funny, I wanted him to buy a house in the same neighborhood he lives in now but he never did. Now that he's with her, he lives here. Boy, that really eats me up. It bothers me that I could possibly run into them. Some days it makes me sick. A few of my relatives have seen him around but they have not approached him. My cousin passed away in January (he was only 42) and the ex sent flowers. I guess he's trying to make himself look good. Can you imagine after everything he's done to me he has the nerve to send anything? What a nightmare. Sometimes I think about moving but I was here first. This is my hometown ....why should I leave.?I just hope I don't run into either one of them until I'm in a better place. So far, I've been lucky in that area. Thanks for your supportive reply.

[ImThatGirl]

How terrible... I'm sorry that you have been through so much pain over him.

 

I agree with the others about karma.

 

The main thing I'd like to say though in regards to the "how do you let go of the hatred?"

-You find a way to accept the truth.

-You give yourself time to grieve.

-You find a way to let go. Not to forgive him but to let go of the hatred. He wasted alot of your life and it's so understandable how angry you are with him. But if you give in to the anger and hatred, he is still ruling your life, no? Let go... of him, of the past, of the pain and hatred. You must in order to find happiness within yourself and future.

 

Hugs to you.. I know it's not easy.

[beeter64]

Thanks for the kind words. I know I have to get rid of this anger. I just don't know how. I've accepted the fact that he has done this. I grieve for the person I thought he was. I really do think I should consider counseling. Although, I really don't know how much more insight they could give me. I'm just so afraid that I will never be happy again. Sometimes it feels like he has sucked the life out of me. Like all the good years have been taken. I'm 44 years old so I'm not a kid anymore. It seems much harder to recover from this type of thing the older you get. I was much more resilient when I was young. I never dreamed my life would turn out this way. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

[Stardusk]

Oh, theyll get their's no one can hide from karma. Right now it may seem like they are "living in bliss" but you don't know that. They are both cheaters, what will happen when the honeymoon ends? One of them will probably cheat.

 

If nothing else feel glad you are rid of him and there won't be a third time.

 

Why do you believe in Karma?

[beeter64]

How terrible... I'm sorry that you have been through so much pain over him.

 

I agree with the others about karma.

 

The main thing I'd like to say though in regards to the "how do you let go of the hatred?"

-You find a way to accept the truth.

-You give yourself time to grieve.

-You find a way to let go. Not to forgive him but to let go of the hatred. He wasted alot of your life and it's so understandable how angry you are with him. But if you give in to the anger and hatred, he is still ruling your life, no? Let go... of him, of the past, of the pain and hatred. You must in order to find happiness within yourself and future.

 

Hugs to you.. I know it's not easy.

Thanks so much for your kind words. They really helped. I've been having a difficult time lately....bad relapse. Really strange after all this time. Can't really say what's brought it on. Thanks again.

[Fruitfull1]

I am sorry that you are going through this. It feels like you just held up a mirror to my own relationship. (read my threads if you would like some background info on what I have been through with my boyfriend). He and I are still together and have a baby girl that is going to be 1 year old in Oct. I want out because I know he is feeding me lies or keeping me hanging on until he finds some one else. BUT then again I feel like he does love me. He is confusing me. GOSH I can't believe how similar your situation is to mine. He says that he is going to marry me and wants to BUT financially he is not ready which I can understand BUT he and I were to be married in may of this year. I planned the ceremony, we bought rings, everything was set to go. 2 weeks before the wedding he and I got into a argument and he said some things and I was like ok...you are not ready and I don't want to force you and I gave him back the ring. My thing is..if he's not ready because of finances then why did we almost get married a few months ago? Why was he going to go thru with it back then and finacially nothing has gotten worse since then but he claims he is not ready financially and that is his reason for us not getting married now. I think it is an excuse to string me along....but then again I did feel an ounce of sincerity there. I don't know...I am at a loss. I do feel you pain! Hang in there and pray. The pain will go away....

[Rabican]

who cares what he does!!!!! you need to get him out of your head, out of your life and move on. I know its easier said than done... but trying to figure out how, or why he did something is a stupid waste of time.

 

If someone shot your kids, or burned down your house... would you really care why? Or would you just want to see justice and then move on with your life. Trying to psycho analyze someone who acts like this is just PYSCHO in and of itself. Maybe its just me... but trying to rationalize or understand bad behavior is more or less a waste of time. You know you are better off without him, so leave it at that and move on. You will be much better off the less you think of him & her.

[loulee]

i think the more we age the wiser we get and the less we expect to make the wrong choices in partners and in life in general..everyday that you mourn your losses you give all of your energy to" what was before' and then your left empty and have nothing left for "what now'...try and refocus your thoughts on yourself and your own sense of self..make every negative thought a positive one..test your own strength you may surprise yourself..I know how hard it is...but focus..look to tomorrow not the yester years...one day at a time...some one new will happen for you ..your job is to make sure you are ready.......good luck

[danygirl526]

What goes around comes around.

[ttran]

Just go out with your friends and be the person you was before you met him. I know its hard seeing an ex, especially if their with another person. I have to see the other person every week. I dont even want to say what I think about doing. But you should only be happy for you, dont worry about him and what he is doing.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Yes- one or both of them will get their comeuppances. You can't be disgusting and cruel like that without paying for it eventually.