At a Crossroads: Forever or not?

[roxy1234]

Hi there.. I could really use some advice from those who have been in this situation..

I am 26 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years.. We live together, have a dog and overall things are great. I love him very much, or there is definitely a strong emotion I have for him that I can't even describe...

My problem is that I have been unsure about marrying him and still am.... Sure we have our arguments, and there are some things about him that worry me, but I do think we probably could have a good future together. I am attracted to him, our sex life is fantastic, he is older than me by 6 years in his early 30's so he has everything set up for us. We are engaged, but I have not yet planned the wedding.

When we got engaged in was in the first year, so I was feeling those "honeymoon" phase feelings and impulsively said yes anyway. Now 2 years down the road I am STILL afraid to move forward

 

A big part of me feels I never really lived very much... I was in a long term for 5 years in my early 20's and then I spend about 6 months single but living with my parents.. Now I'm 26 and have lived with my fiance for 2 years.

 

I sort of feel I jumped from my 20's into my 30's with nothing in between..

I try and keep an exciting life as much as possible, I play competitive volleyball and I try and get out with my girl friends when possible. Problem is, everyone seems to be getting older and busy working, in relationships, or dating I have quite a few friends who ARE single.. so it's not like I am afraid I would be home alone at nights.

I am a very attractive female, and the dating scene is very exciting to me..

 

I am very much at a crossroads however.......... I have to choose whether or not I want to settle down & marry my fiance, and have kids in the near future. It's not fair of me to expect him to keep waiting years and years for me, he's already waited 2 and we are no further along now than we were before.

 

But at the same time, leaving him to be single and just go have fun seems SO stupid... Why leave something that I eventually WANT down the road???

 

Everytime I try and leave my fiance, or consider moving on it breaks my heart and I miss him terribly............ I just lay with him and our dog and I cry because I want to be with them SO BADLY.. but it just doesn't seem like the right time...

 

I am on depression meds because of this and seeing counsellors.. and nothing is helping me make a decision

 

Any words of advice?

[i_win]

Sounds to me like you're a woman who has exited out of the honeymoon phase with someone that is comfortable, but you might fear that you are settling and wonder if there is more out there for you.

 

I don't think this situation is very fair to your fiance and you most certainly don't seem like you are ready for a life-long commited marriage with this person. Forgive my bluntness but you seem like you are very emotionally unstable at the moment and I think you're going to have some serious hardship with either side that you choose.

 

Marriage won't solve the problems of your inability to commit to him or that lifestyle, and being single and thrown back out on the dating scene while tempting might lead you to being lonely - even if it is masked by having lots of male attention due to being "very attractive(hehe)."

 

I don't think it's healthy AT ALL to be engaged to someone and have the thought of dating new people exciting to you. When you are engaged to marry someone then he should be your world and all you think about with no distractions - because enough distractions to a healthy marriage will present themselves as it is.

 

Perhaps the depression/medication all has something to do with this? I know that a friend with anxiety can become depressed and feel trapped in life and relationships and I'm convinced this has something to do with it. Basically he never is content with what he has.

 

I am glad you are seeing counsellors...have you talked to them about this? Maybe they can help sort this out.

 

I don't think you'd be content either way.

[roxy1234]

Well I do feel the honeymoon phase is over yes, but all-in-all I love him and enjoy spending time with him. We are pretty inseperable, which at times can be a bad thing because he doesn't have any hobbies or many friends, so over time I have lost touch with alot of my friends because I wasn't able to balance everything. My fiance wants ALL my time, and I always felt I had to choose. A few of my friends didn't care much for him, so it caused some distance between our friendships.

 

I don't want to say I think the grass is greener, but all I want is to be happy

We don't have alot in common, but we always manage to have fun together. Maybe I am just too young? I have always been in relationships, so I guess I never got to live and be single and do my own thing for awhile... figure out who I am.. what I want..

I have never even lived on my own before!!

 

I just don't want to throw away a good thing because I haven't lived enough.. But at the same time, I am finding it so hard to put 100% of a promise that he deserves!

[i_win]

Excited to date is not being single or finding out about yourself - its wanting to explore other people.

[SimplySasha]

Even if you don't have a lot in common, well don't they say "opposites attract?" Maybe you can learn something new with this fellow and take on some of his interests or him yours that you might not have taken up otherwise.

 

I know you've never lived on your own before, but do you really care about living "on your own" that much? It may be important to other people but to YOU is it a big deal that you have you "own apartment/pay your own bills/struggle to get by each day/whatever"? If it is, maybe you might move out on your own, but it might not be the fun exciting deal you are expecting.

 

Remember that you don't have to be a single "Sex and the City" kinda girl looking for romance to discover who she is. You might very well be able to discover who you are while still being with this man and at least then you'd have someone you love to support you along your journey.

[redhearts]

You said everything is set up. So basically your saying that everything is ready right there for you but thats not where you are in life.

[tangi39]

Hi Roxy,

 

I understand your trepidation. Marriage is a big committment. And it is better to question these things now rather than later.

 

I suggest you think about, maybe even make a list of things you feel you are lacking in your life. But make sure you approach it from a personal standpoint. (I.e. I miss hanging out with friends, I want more excitement, etc)

You may find that these things really have nothing to do with your relationship. As another poster suggested, you may find that there are things you can work on with him.

 

Keep in mind, single life has it's drawbacks as well. I have several friends who are single and are incredibly lonely. That's not to say you would be, but I'd definitely make sure that is what you really want before giving up on your relationship. Since once you make this decision, there may be no turning back. And you may end up losing him permanently.

Before throwing the towel in, I recommend mixing things up. Maybe spend a little more time apart from your man doing separate activites or hobbies.

Allocate a night or two for just you and your friends.

 

Just be sure you take your time, so that you can make a decision based on rationality and not impulsive emotion. Big choices made in haste are usually regretted even quicker.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Seraphim]

You have to have common interests and goals, if you do not then it will not work. You are being unfair to both of you. You are not at the same place in life. If you want to party hardy and explore then do it but you can not ask him to wait, or keep crying because you want the security of him there.

[redrose85]

From what you have said, I think that you need to be on your own, and that you need to break it off with your fiance. Being single and living alone is NOT the fun you may think it is, but it can definitely be necessary. I know how you are feeling, because I've been in a similar situation of knowing that I needed to be on my own, date around a bit, and live on my own. I had a great time being single and basically living by my rules. In my case, all I needed was six months of that and I then felt fine starting a relationship that was intense and committed from the get-go. I'm only 23 but just that 6 months of living life on my terms really helped me to figure out who I am as a person, and what I have to offer. I think that most people need this time, and you haven't gotten it, so it's no wonder that you feel the need to get out there.

[roxy1234]

I just feel something is missing in my life.......... I have had a very stressful last year or more with my fiance... I lost a best friend of 12 years because she was very unsupportive of my relationship.. She felt we got engaged way too soon.. and even though she only met him a few times she never liked him that much.

I chalked it up to jealousy... but nonetheless over time we grew apart, and when I found out she was never inviting me out when I was with my fiance we stopped being friends.

After a couple months, another friend of mine and I got very close... We worked together and spent alot of time together and it was great having a good friend again.. She was dating an abusive guy and once she broke it off with him I think she became lonely because she seemed annoyed that we didn't hang out as much as she wanted. I think she too started to resent my fiance and often got jealous of him and I.

When my fiance and I would get into arguments, my friend would always say how he was just like (her ex) the abusive one..

Over time, she got another job and stopped calling me as much saying she assumed I was just with my fiance...

 

These "friends" coming and going in my life has made me feel very alone.. and when things got rough with my fiance and we have arguments or I have doubts, I feel even MORE alone..

I have been on depression meds for about 6 months now trying to help me cope with the sadness I have been having.

 

I don't know why I just feel I can't balance my life......... Being married is putting 100% of your life with that person, and because I don't have a good balance of healthy friendships maybe that's why I feel unhappy in the relationship.

 

A part of me feels I need to be single in order to build all my friendships back (or make new ones).

My fiance has no close friends either... we don't hang around anyone really. If it wasn't for my job or my hobbies (volleyball & the gym) I would have NO social life whatsoever.

 

I feel life is so BLAH and empty.......... I reminicse about the days when I was so full of life and happy

 

Even after seeing my doctor and a counsellor, it's still really hard for me (and anyone) for that matter to understand where my depression is coming from.... If it's from my life situation, or maybe I am just clinically depressed and it's ruining my life...

 

I feel I have no one- and I feel I'm pushing my fiance out of my life too because I am not happy.

And I know happiness comes from within, and I'm trying to do that with hobbies, things I enjoy.. etc.

[redrose85]

"Being married is putting 100% of your life with that person, and because I don't have a good balance of healthy friendships maybe that's why I feel unhappy in the relationship."

 

You hit the nail on the head there. True friends come along, whether you're in a relationship or not. Sometimes when friends don't like an SO, they have a good reason. But, I don't know anything about your fiance other than he can be a bit clingy, so I'm not going to elaborate any further on that. I know how frustrating it can be though. Sometimes friendships just end. Sometimes we have phases where we are "between friends". It's a hard thing to go through, but it does pass, and then you meet new friends, some of which stick around for life. I think you're in a transitional period, discovering who you are. But, like the others said, you don't have to be single and partying all the time in order to "find yourself". Have you talked with your fiance about how you feel and why?

[SimplySasha]

I lost a best friend of 12 years because she was very unsupportive of my relationship.. She felt we got engaged way too soon.. and even though she only met him a few times she never liked him that much.

Regardless of her feelings, she should have been supportive of YOU first and formost as your best friend.

 

over time we grew apart, and when I found out she was never inviting me out when I was with my fiance we stopped being friends.

Right there is a problem. You had to find out. She didn't just tell you that hey, she's still your friend, but she doesn't want your fiance to come hang with because she doesn't like him. She chose to lose your friendship over a man and because of that, it sounds like she wasn't the best friend that she could have been.

 

After a couple months, another friend of mine and I got very close...Over time, she got another job and stopped calling me as much saying she assumed I was just with my fiance...

You know, working with someone every day, you tend to develop a close bond of friendship. Over time, as she got that other job, you had less opportunity to see each other and sometimes friendships can fade over that. It happens a lot.

 

These "friends" coming and going in my life has made me feel very alone..

Know that you aren't alone. Isn't there a saying, "Friends come and go". Its the important ones that tend to stick around for the long haul and if you haven't found that close friend don't worry too much about it. Do you consider your fiance a best friend?

 

Even after seeing my doctor and a counsellor, it's still really hard for me (and anyone) for that matter to understand where my depression is coming from.... If it's from my life situation, or maybe I am just clinically depressed and it's ruining my life...

Being depressed is very hard indeed, and its hard sometimes to pinpoint the reason for your depression. If it was easy you could just smack it with a hammer and make it go away and leave you alone. There are long periods, months of time, when I can barely even make it out of bed each morning, I just want to sleep and sleep and I hope that maybe if I sleep long enough, I'd wake up and things would be alright again, but that isn't good at all.

 

A part of me feels I need to be single in order to build all my friendships back (or make new ones).

My fiance has no close friends either... we don't hang around anyone really. If it wasn't for my job or my hobbies (volleyball & the gym) I would have NO social life whatsoever.

It's easy to see where that can be a consideration, its easy to make new single friends when you are single as well. Although, have you thought about doing a couples thing with your husband and meeting other couples that way? You like activities so maybe at one of your activites, start scouting out married women and make the first step. Maybe start a spouses club in your local area for women who want to get out and have company a little more. It might be a good project for you and can possibly help you feel a lot better with yourself if you can create something with others. Do you feel this might be a possibility for you?

[roxy1234]

Thank you guys for the responses....

 

It definitely has been a transitional period for me.. alot of changes have happened in the last year and a bit and I feel the stress has been unbearable. I grew up FAST in one year... Before I met my fiance I was partying, drinking, living in my parent's house, dating casually, a couple grand in debt, only working 3 days a week.. At the age of 24. Wasn't happy with my situation, but I don't remember being stressed at ALL.

 

Then I met my fiance, we got engaged within 6 months, I got a full time career job, got completely out of debt, bought my own car, lost my best friend, barely have a social life anymore, having conflicts with my fiance, doubts about my relationship, reading self help books, seeing counsellors, went on depression meds and now here I am at 26.

 

Way too much changes for me all in one year...

 

I think a big part of my sadness and stress has been the constant arguments with my fiance over the last year.... He thinks I should be grown up and ready for a lifetime commitment and children NOW... I hate to say it but he has been completely un-supportive of my doubts... And with all the things mentioned above- don't you think I deserve a bit of a break???? Yes I know it hurts him alot that I haven't planned a wedding, and that I'm not ready for children yet... But All of our arguments and not feeling supported emotionally at all has taken a toll on me. Obviously when I feel alone with no friends, growing up so fast, my fiance adding pressure on top of everything hasn't helped.

 

I know my fiance loves me alot, and all he wants is us to be married and have our family.. He wants to spend all his time with me, he supports us financially but I feel I am not getting what I need emotionally

He is just different than I am... He has been on his own since 18.. (He's 33 now).. He has seen friends come & go.. He is on his own, not afraid of being alone and knows himself inside and out... I don't............. I am learning and for a 26 year old, I did grow up fast and still don't feel fully matured yet.

[roxy1234]

I just wanted to add, that during rough times when my stress/depression got too bad to handle I was having suicidal thoughts ALL the time... I would never do anything, but I just felt so alone and sad all the time. I was sleeping all the time, didn't want to do anything.. All my fiance did was complain that all I wanted to do was sleep... And even on road trips I get drowsy in the car and all he does in complain that I never want to drive. I am on medication for hypothyroidism as well as Anti-depressants.. At one point my stress got so bad that I lost 20 lbs.. I am tall 5'10 and was weighing in at 130 lbs I looked sick.. I am only 135 now, so I am still trying to get healthy..

 

My fiance just thinks I need to shake out of this, and tells me how everyone loses their friends, and how he used to always sleep it's just a phase..

I tell him all the time I feel he is unsupportive, and he doesn't think he is

[redrose85]

He should support you, no matter what. What are the nice things he does for you? Don't just focus on the negative.

[SimplySasha]

Well, I wrote a bit earlier today and then the power went out so I lost it all, but I'm gonna try to make this as coherent as I can. /smile

 

My fiance just thinks I need to shake out of this, and tells me how everyone loses their friends, and how he used to always sleep it's just a phase..

I tell him all the time I feel he is unsupportive, and he doesn't think he is

I think he is right, it is a phase. However, you're only going to be OK with it once that phase is over. It's getting through it that's going to be the hardest part for you because it seems like he isn't helping you in a way that will, well, help you.

 

Before I met my fiance I was partying, drinking, living in my parent's house, dating casually, a couple grand in debt, only working 3 days a week.. At the age of 24. Wasn't happy with my situation, but I don't remember being stressed at ALL.

If only we all could go back to the simple times of little worry and a more carefree time. You indeed did have little to stress about.

 

Then I met my fiance, we got engaged within 6 months, I got a full time career job, got completely out of debt, bought my own car, lost my best friend, barely have a social life anymore, having conflicts with my fiance, doubts about my relationship, reading self help books, seeing counsellors, went on depression meds and now here I am at 26.

 

Way too much changes for me all in one year...

You are absolutely right! There lies part of your problem. You accomplished in 6 months to 1 year what people take years to do. If your life were a video tape, someone all of a sudden mashed fast forward and you still haven't had time to catch up to yourself! It is crazy to assume that you're ready to keep that tape on fast forward, it's time to slow it back down to normal speed. you must not have even had time to look around and breathe. Some of the most stressful things a person can go through are moving, getting a new job, and getting into a serious relationship, you my dear took your shopping cart to stres-mart and bought an aisle. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. Its almost impossible for you to not be overwhelmed and upset.

 

He thinks I should be grown up and ready for a lifetime commitment and children NOW... I hate to say it but he has been completely un-supportive of my doubts... And with all the things mentioned above- don't you think I deserve a bit of a break????

Of course, at age 26, it is a common expectation that people have accumulated good life experiences and are now ready at this age to take the next step, marriage and children. However,

 

I know my fiance loves me alot, and all he wants is us to be married and have our family.. He wants to spend all his time with me, he supports us financially but I feel I am not getting what I need emotionally

He is just different than I am... He has been on his own since 18.. (He's 33 now).. He has seen friends come & go.. He is on his own, not afraid of being alone and knows himself inside and out... I don't............. I am learning and for a 26 year old, I did grow up fast and still don't feel fully matured yet.

Your fiance needs to learn to support you during this transitional phase. He had the luxury of learning to grow up because he's done it since 18. You have not and he needs to learn to accept that or risk pushing you farther away. He knows how to live and you don't yet and he needs to realize that there is nothing wrong with that, the only thing you need is some time to adjust back to normal speed.

 

This is the same problem that I went through with my husband, only I was the pushy adult. I married this man, and he didn't even know how to properly wash dishes or mow the lawn. I had to force myself to consider how he grew up, he never had to do those things, I married a little fledgling even though he is years older than me. I had to put aside my frustrations because this was pretty much the only thing we ever argued about and realize that I needed to consider his feelings. It was NOT his fault that he was missing experiences that I took for granted and I should NOT be upset about it. I had to calm down and work with him on some basics..."No honey, don't put your hand in the glass to wash the inside, it might break and you could cut yourself, use this instead, here, let's do this together." He also had to get over blaming his upbringing and focus on NOW. I told him that I understood that he grew up quickly, his job was the first thing he really ever did for himself, however, we're a team and despite his past and mine, we have to focus on building our own relationship no matter what happened before and he would have my support all of the time, no matter how frustrated I may get, I always will love him. I can't be stuck up and he can't blame his past. So far the rules have been working, and he's actually getting off of his anti-depressants.

 

I'm sure you've spoken to your fiancee about him being unsupportive, but it might help if you gave him specific examples of when why and how. "I know you consider this just a passing phase, but it's what I am going through right now, and I need you to be there for me through it because you've been there yourself and you've gotten past it." "I know you've had friends come and go as time goes on, but my friendships are very important to me, I think I tend to build strong connections with just a few people, I can't explain why, but it makes me so lonely and hurt whenever people move on, it's like a lose a little bit of myself, do you think you can understand and support me a little differently? I would like (more hugs, a nice massage, just to know you understand and that I have a shoulder to cry on/an ear to talk to?)?" "I get so sleepy in the car, when we drive, its like being rocked gently to sleep. I know its unfair to you that I don't do more of the share of driving, but it's something I really can't help. I really wish I could do more to help. I want to do more, can I try driving for maybe an hour at a time while you get some rest when we go on road trips?"

 

It's going to take both of you to make some changes to make this work out. You obviously love each other very much and this relationship can work, its just going to take some patience on both your parts.

 

Sorry, I hope I didn't babble too much but hearing your story really reminded me of how much of a jerk I was a lot to my husband, I think I'm going to go call him now.

[lady00]

My fiance wants ALL my time, and I always felt I had to choose.

 

That would pretty much drive me nuts. I need "me time."

[bewilderment]

Roxy,

I have been where you are, and I seriously advise NOT to get married right now. I understand your feelings. You sound like you really care about this man, but you are not IN love. If you were, you wouldn't have any hesitation about spending the rest of your life with him. Trust me. It also sounds like you haven't found yourself or what fulfills you. I believe you can't truly know love until you try to live to your potential, and explore all of your career options and dating. You do need to live more. 26 is very young. Maybe you need to just date people to get to know what type of person will complete you. DO NOT marry this man or waste his time if you are not feeling it. The longer the both of you are in the wrong relationship, the longer you will wait for the right one. Should you decide to break up with him, do it kindly and honestly and hopefully you can be amicable and eventually be friends. Good luck!

[roxy1234]

Thanks for the great responses...

 

Simply Sasha- I do agree with alot of what you said, you described a lot of how I feel! The only problem for me, is that I HAVE explained to my fiance all of my stress in this transitional period... He knows I have seen counsellors, went on anti-depressants, read books, post on message boards... But that's about it... He is not really supportive. He just wants us to get married and have children.... He does acknowledge what I am saying, but he does not understand or offer any support. I think he is just so focused on what HE wants, being 33 and all he just doesn't want to waste his time.

Which I totally understand... He has not given me any ultimatums, but I have definitely noticed more and more arguments as time goes on because he thinks I don't know what I want... I have tried to explain to him all my stress with losing friends, starting a career, etc. And he doesn't support what I am saying....... He just always says that I am about myself and not part of a "team"... He wants us married, jointing all our finances, have a child, etc.

I feel he is putting way too much pressure on me......

 

As of right now we are separated.. I am living at my parent's place but we still see eachother basically every day. He keeps telling me he doesn't want me moving back in until I know 100% if I want this.

 

 

Bewilderment: You have a good point......... I do sometimes have a very hard time recognizing my doubts/fears as him NOT being the one? Or am I just really biting off more than I can chew here....... Alot of people my age are no where near marriage and everyone around me seems to be taking things so much slower!

My brother is 29 and his girlfriend is my age 26...They have been together 4 years and are only moving in together this Fall ! I asked my brother if his GF pressures him for an engagement and he said no way.. She just wants us to move in together.

Other friends I have are either all single, or they are in long terms of about 1-3 years.. some live together, some don't, but NONE are engaged or married.

 

The problem must be that my fiance is 33, he is financially stable, he owns his own house, owns 2 cars, he lives very comfortably with me or without me contributing.. He dated for many years single and had his share of women from what I know.... So I guess he's just at that age.. He's totally ready. He doesn't go out to bars, he doesn't even really go out much with friends at all.. He wants to spend all his time with me.

Even though I think its very sweet.. He is just completely smothering and pressuring me!

 

Should I feel bad that it's 2 years now, we live together, share some expenses, spend most of our time together... But I want some more time or just support/understanding ???

[lady00]

I don't think wanting to spend all of your time w/your SO is a function of age and wanting to settle down. If a couple doesn't have any time apart or time alone with their friends, a relationship can become stale and suffocating. I have a lot of married friends and none of them spend all of their free time together...I think it's because they still have outside friends/interests and don't want to smother each other.

 

Have you tried explaining your feelings on this to him? I understand why you may not feel ready for all of this and even if you were ready for marriage, that doesn't mean you give up your life to be part of married couple. Of course, you make sacrifices and you would probably spend the majority of your free time together as a married couple, but there has to be a balance...from what you say he doesn't seem to get that...that would make me a bit nervous to take the relationship further.

[redrose85]

I have a story for you, roxy.

 

My old landlord bought a house for himself and his gf (she was still in college). Landlord was 33+ and girlfriend was about 23. After awhile, they discovered that though they loved each other dearly, they just weren't at the same place in life. He was ready to get married and start a family. She couldn't even decide on a major, and wasn't ready for marriage etc... They broke up, amicably, and now he has a new baby in a different relationship. She has since figured out what she wanted to do, and is now successful, happy, and leading her own life, on her terms. In a few years, she'll probably be ready to settle down, but she just wasn't at that point a few years ago. Happy endings all around. You do what you need to do girlie, and don't let anything hold you back.

[roxy1234]

That's a good story/point... And that is something I think about alot.... That if I am not ready and my life is too stressful and I still not know who I am/what I want, etc. Than maybe it is best to just let him go and explore life......... I do feel that I WILL find someone down the road when it's the right time/right person.

It does help thinking positively this way..... But it's also VERY hard... No one wants to leave someone they love because they aren't ready.

I have started to feel extreme feelings of guilt and sadness.... Because no one goes into these relationships thinking or feeling they aren't ready... I went in 100% willing and giving my heart...... Just over time I haven't been happy and it's too much pressure for me.

If my fiance was closer to my age, maybe we could last because he could concentrate on his career or other goals also, but my fiance is 33.... He is afraid if he waits around too long for me that he won't be able to have children.

I have always felt/thought also that if two people love each other, their hearts will always find their way back to each other....

The hardest part is that I don't feel FAR away from settling down........ It's just like I need a bit more time to enjoy life and figure out what makes me happy... I probably could do this while in my relationship! But my fiance is adding way too much pressure, and it probably doesn't help his parent's (mostly mother) constantly ask why we aren't married yet, when are we planning one, etc. They really like me, and were super happy when we got engaged. My fiance is an only child, and I know they want nothing more than to see him married and have grandchildren of their own.

 

It's just hard I guess it all boils down to is LOVE enough?

And I hate to say it, but maybe I take him for grantly slightly........ Like I feel there is more than likely someone out there for me down the road when I do want to get married....... So I don't feel a rush to lock down my fiance.

[roxy1234]

I am also really trying to figure out HOW do you know if you aren't ready to settle down, OR it is just not the right person????????

 

I feel like I am never going to be happy or something

[redrose85]

It sounds like he could be getting a lot of pressure put on him as well, but I don't think that excuses the fact that he is being insensitive. From reading your posts, I get the feeling that you know that you should break it off, but are hesitant (and for good reason). He has been waiting for awhile (didn't you say you had been engaged for over a year already?) and if you don't make up your mind soon, I'm afraid he'll take the reins and move on. You are not ready, and you know that you're not.

 

I am also really trying to figure out HOW do you know if you aren't ready to settle down, OR it is just not the right person????????

 

When you have to ask yourself questions like this and constantly wrestle with your emotions to the point where you're stressed and anxious...you're clearly not heading down the right path. Some doubts are normal, constant doubts are not. I really do wish you luck with this, and appologize if any of it came accross as rude.