Insecure about self image

[BronzedSkin123]

I am darkskin black woman with a father who seems to find lightskin women attractive. I've always noticed this as a kid. Everytime a light woman with long hair passes by he would spark up a conversation about her and say "I wonder if she is mixed". And he never found the few darkskin women on television attractive, he'd always refer to them as being "not that pretty". He even thought my darkskin friends were ugly, and would seem to have nicer things to say about my lightskin friends. Once he told me that he "settled" for my mother even tho she was dark, he said that she cared about him while all the lightskin women were harder to get. (My dad's last two wives were lightskin)

 

Recently, while my dad was taking me to work he saw a car full of young lightskin girls that weren't even all that pretty and remarked that my brothers like girls like that. It really just ruins my self esteem and makes me feel bad about my darkskin. Not only my dad despises darkskin but so do my brothers who I don't even talk to or respect anymore. When I got to work I started crying. I always tried to have good self esteem despte being dark but right now I have none. With all the images of lightskin women on television being toted as the most beautiful and hearing recent disparging remarks about darkskin women by famous rappers I have no self confidence.

 

Sometimes when a man is attracted to me I wonder why. Sometimes I want to ask him why does he even want to talk to me, I am not lightskin. And I want to ask him if he is just approaching me because lighter women rejected him.

 

I don't like how people are always asking me if I am from Africa because of my darkskin and features...the first time someone asked me that in high school I was offended. And it annoys me even more when other black people ask me that, it's as if they aren't used to seeing darkskin people with unmixed features or something. Like if you don't have any visible admixtures then you must be different from black americans and from africa.I just resent how I look so much right now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

My brother married a dark skin black woman (and he is caucasian)...he couldn't care less about her skin colour...he fell in love with who she is as a person and how well their characters meshed.

[sadenni]

BronzedSkin-

 

I was in the same boat as you for some time, I'm also a dark-skinned black woman. I used to have the worst self-esteem issues and sometimes still get self-conscious about my complexion. When I felt like I was looking good, I'd look around and notice all the lighter women - and instantly feel unattractive. When I hung out with my light skin friends, I knew that if a glance was passed my way, it probably wasn't intended for me. Either that or they were just looking at my body. My family is from Ghana and I would always try to mention to people that I have other ethnicities (far, far down the line) in my family to 'compensate' for being so dark.

 

Change the channel! I barely watch t.v. anymore because I know that dark-skinned people are either underrepresented or misrepresented(i.e. the leading lady in a love story/video being light skinned, the darker one usually being the sidekick or extra). It may be hard to feel good about yourself when your close relatives say things like that. If you can, just surround yourself with more open-minded people. Don't EVER let a person's prejudice or preference determine your self-worth.

 

If someone asks you 'if you're from Africa', be flattered. African women (all women, for that matter) are beautiful.

[Weeblie]

If someone asks you 'if you're from Africa', be flattered. African women (all women, for that matter) are beautiful.

 

Actually, I'd be offended and make it obvious that I am offended. Not because I think the women from there aren't beautiful, but the because the question implies that I'm not American because I don't look like them. Which is just plain stupid because isn't the U.S. like a salad bowl or a melting pot or whatever?

 

So if someone was so rude to ask me if I was from another country I'd say, why do you ask that? I don't have an accent.

[annie24]

it sounds like you've let your dad's preferences in women make you feel bad about yourself. don't!!! i think it's kind of a jerk thing to say that he settled for your mom, because the light-skinned girls were harder to get. that's not nice at all. i'm sure that he must have loved your mom, on some level, because he married her.

 

I'm sure that you are really lovely, as you are. and there are some famous dark-skinned models now, not just lighter skinned girls. I personally find it as a compliment to be told I look foreign, not american. to me, american = just like everyone else. so, to be told you look different i think is a really good thing.

 

what do you like about your body? focus on the positives.

[stella777]

I really cant see why you are self consience. yesterday I talked to a dark skin black woman and I find her so attractive and told myself that wow, she has a beautiful color. sometimes family try to lower your self steem, you shouldnt care less in my opinion esp if it is about skin color! just be in shape and wear good clothes and I'm sure you love yourself and attract people

[BronzedSkin123]

Being in shape and having nice clothes doesn't matter. I am still Black and darkskin. It's my color that is the problem.

 

It hurts so much because I remember watching television and whenever a pretty darkskin woman was on the screen my father never thought she was beautiful. It was painful because these women looked like me. They were never good enough. Yet when Keyshia Cole or Vanessa Williams was on the screen he'd say how beautiful they were.

 

I don't understand why I am here if darkskin is so ugly. Why have black children if you feel this way?

 

I even have a lightskin cousin who my dad seems to talk about. Sometimes I just want to die. I hate being black, I don't understand why I had to be darkskin. Why couldn't I have been lightskin? My life would be so much easier

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The problem is your self esteem, not your skin colour. I think you need to put this into perspective...your father's opinion is just his opinion and if these were the messages he drummed into your head then it doesn't sound like he was a very loving father....so put it into perspective and realize that your father's opinion and biases do not represent the entire population of the world, not does it represent the opinion of someone who will fall for you. Given your other threads, you really should work on yourself and your self-esteem issues.

[BronzedSkin123]

It's not just my father who feels this way. Other black men do too. Last semester there was this guy who I had a class with, and when he saw me passing through the halls he would always stop and talk me to death. Whenever he saw me around campus he would approach me..yet whenever we were talking he'd start obviously eyeing lightskin women. There was this very light complected secretary on campus that he would always be lusting after while he was talking to me. I felt so ugly and undesirable that I wanted to commit suicide. I don't understand why this stuff always happens to me. If you don't like darkskin women then leave me alone, stop talking to me. NO matter how hard I try to escape this I can't. Sometimes I just want to dig a hole and live there forever with no contact from the outside world. That way I won't have to be reminded all the time that lighter is better or be there to witness it

[Gracelove]

The problem is your self esteem, not your skin colour.

 

I totally agree. I think you're feeling rejected by your father, and that can be painful, I'm sure.

 

Aside from that, I'm sure you know that beauty comes in all colors and shades. Look at Naomi Campbell, she has physical beauty, and she's dark skinned. Iman is always a very beautiful, dark-skinned woman.

 

Aside from that, if someone finds interest in you, don't let your dad's opinions ruin it for you.

 

Why don't you tell your dad how you feel. That it hurts your feelings when he attributes value to a woman, solely based on her lighter skin color.

 

Aside from that, doesn't it piss you off that he downs your mother by saying he "settled" for her? If you ask me it sounds like things were the other way around. It doesn't sound like he had an appreciation for her.

[tiredofvampires]

I was just going to say, what about Iman and Naomi Campbell!

 

As well as Angela Bassett, who I find much more stunning than Vanessa Williams!

 

It's very unfortunate that you are dealing with this, but as others have said, I think it's another -- yet another -- function of your overall negative feelings about yourself in general. It's almost like when I see a thread of yours, I hold my breath and think, "What thing now is she going to berate herself for having?" I wish like anything you'd be able to see that what society does to distort "idealisms" about how people should be, to be attractive/pretty/sexy, blah blah blah is a stupid brainwashing machine that has nothing to do with your lovability or your true beauty. Every culture has it's idealisms which are warped -- just the other day, there was a thread asking about the perception that blondes are more attractive than brunettes in the white population. Although, in all honesty, I think that's different in the sense that such preferences are not tainted with a sinister overtone of something really bad that happened historically. Your father's opinions are merely an extension of some deeply-ingrained, tragically-wrong thinking that's going to take even more time to get out of the collective consciousness in the black population. Don't buy into that and perpetuate that stuff! I'm actually a bit surprised by this thread though, to be so disheartened to hear that this is still at play because I just see so many happy couples who are equally dark skin. In fact, I think I see more couples who are equally dark skin than one being dark and the other light.

 

But the things our parents express around us have a profound impact and I can see how that would have really affected you a lot. (Especially our dads, if we are girls!) To be honest though, yeah, that's really quite a jerk thing to say that he "settled" for your mom and just goes to show that shoddy attitudes accompany shoddy behavior. So -- shoddy is shoddy. And you are not looking to please a shoddy guy, are you?

 

I don't know if this will mean anything to you, but personally I find darker skin black women very beautiful...up there, in beauty...I'm not a guy, so maybe my opinion doesn't count for much, but since I draw a lot of nude models, I notice that the darkest skin usually shows the least blemishes, whereas light skin shows them really easily and for some reason, the darker shades just seem more flawless to me. I dunno why, but it's hard to find flawless light skin, but it seems all the dark skin women who model ALL have this superior skin tone. Makes me kinda envious!

 

You've got to celebrate what you have!! Forget Hollywood -- they make every last one of us mortal chicks look like crap. LOL.

[Jelina]

The reason you have negative feelings towards your color is def. because of your father. Hearing these comments again and again can really change the way you feel about yourself. I think that you should speak with him and tell him how he shouldn't tell you these things, he needs to keep these comments to himself. You need to tell him how you feel, and he, as your father should respect that. It really angers me how your father is putting yourself and your mother down. Instead of paying so much attention to other women he needs to focus on his daughter and wife. Just because some black men aren't attracted to dark skinned women doesn't mean they all aren't. Whenever you feel this way, or you wonder why this man is talking to you, keep in mind that the only reason you are thinking that is because you have issues with it, not everyone does.

 

I think I know the rapper you are talking about.... Hearing about how some black men are talking about how they would rather be with a light skinned girl than a darker skinned girl is just horrible. I have to agree with you, it's hurtful, it's like a slap in the face, to their mothers, sisters, roots, and ancestors. It's so shallow, in my opinion. I have noticed online, in certain websites the horrible comments made towards light skinned women and dark skinned women. It really bothers me because it has really taken a toll on women in general. Dark skinned women against light skinned women. I'm so sick of racism and I hate hearing about discrimination within a race, lighter versus darker. It angers me to see how a statement from ONE man can separate and put women at war and can change the way a woman feels about herself. I think it's horrible how women rate themselves and consider themselves attractive depending on what man likes/dislikes them. I think though that you should be happy that these shallow men who are only willing to be attracted to someone because of skin color aren't attracted to you. Why would you want someone to be attracted to you just because of your skin color? I'm sure you'll find someone who will love you for being you.

 

Even if your father and brothers never change their ways, don't ever let them define your beauty. As a matter of fact don't ever let anyone define how beautiful you are. And in my opinion when I hear black men talk about how they dislike dark skin and would rather have a light skinned women I think that stems from self hatred. Don't let someone else's insecurities become yours. Don't think of yourself as ugly just because they do. Embrace yourself and be happy that you don't choose men just because of skin color because that's really shallow.