I feel horrible :(

[Daligal83]

My ex came by the apartment today to pick up more of his stuff while I was at work. I found a note from him on my desk saying that he changed his mind and wants the promise ring back and that he misses seeing me. I then talked to my mom who said that a friend of ours had talk to his mom, who said that he's devastated.

 

And here I am checking out other guys and wanting to meet people. I'm so ready to move on.

 

I feel horrible! It's not fair that I'm OK and he isn't. I feel like an absolutely horrible person And honestly, a part of me is afraid to meet someone now because of how much it will hurt him.

 

Just venting...

[J_man]

how long since your breakup, and who initiated it?

[kuiks8]

I don't think you can feel bad that you are both handling this break up differently. I think you can be sensitive to where he is at but don't let his devastation detour your healing.

[RelaxByWater84]

I usually don't put much stock in what other people say.

 

I don't have any advice to give you except to say that I'll read your posts.

[Daligal83]

Thanks guys

 

Jman, we broke up three weeks ago. I feel out of love with him starting in November and we started talking about it at the end of February. He was out of town from the end of December until the end of February. At the time of the breakup, we had been together for a little over a year and a half. We were friends for 3 1/2 years before the breakup. He definitely didn't want it, but didn't want the relationship we had anymore either. I was so emotionally detached and he was becoming such an emotional wreck. It wasn't good at all.

 

kuiks, I know it's natural to do it at a different pace, especially since my feelings faded so long ago and he still haven't. But I just feel guilty about that. It's not fair that I can handle this so easily and he's not in the same situation. I hate hurting people It's not like he did anything bad to me.

 

RelaxByWater-thanks for your support

[lila...]

Daligal, you can't feel bad for that. It is NOT your fault he's taking the breakup harder than you, you can't blame yourself for being over it and moving on. It's ok to be a sensitive, caring person, and that shows that you are, but you can't let it bother you so much. Sooner or later it was going to happen to both of you, you just happened to move on sooner.

[sophie274]

It sounds to me like you are handling it very well. You are being kind and respectful of his feelings. It is really hard to be dumped for sure - but you have done the best you could and should not beat yourself up about his feelings. It is terrible to see someone you love go through that, but you will probably help him the most if you keep your distance.

 

Hopefully you will both meet someone new and wonderful as soon as you are ready!

[J_man]

ah, i see. so you had more of a 'head start', because your feelings changed and you were aware of what was going to happen in advance.

 

well, feeling guilty isn't goign to help anyone, right? i think this is where a lot of people derive value from no contact. if he's entirely out of touch with you, then what you're doing won't be able to hurt him or set him back, and he should be able to get on with healing, instead of being vulnerable to the additional pain he'd feel if he's constantly aware of what you're up to.

 

unless he realizes this himself though, it might be a little tricky. ideally, he realizes that he needs space so he can heal.

 

but yeah, like others said, it won't accomplish anything to feel guilty about it, and his emotional state isn't your responsibility now.

[Daligal83]

Bubalu-thanks I'm trying not to blame myself, but it's hard. He's a lot more sensitive than I am and open with it. I never would have written a note like that. I think I just move on from things quickly in general, and he doesn't. I mean if something hurts me, it might bother me for a few days, but he's been thinking about this promise ring thing for two weeks now. I don't know, maybe I'm not sensitive enough.

 

sophie, thank you to you too I hope he does move on soon. I really am ready to at least meet people. I probably shouldn't be in anything serious right now, but I'm definitely not opposed to seeing what's out there. I just hope he happens to meet someone soon so that I don't feel horrible about it. I don't want to the the person who someone would post about saying, "I can't believe she moved on already! It's only been a couple months!" I mean it has been since November for me, that's a long time.

 

Jman, I'm trying to give him his space. He came over a week after the breakup, but I haven't seen him since. I call him or IM him here or there to let him know that it's not like I don't care about him at all, but I don't ask him to hang out because I don't want to lead him on. He's asked me to hang out two times and I turned him down. Luckily, he won't be here for the summer. That will help some I think. The thing is, he's going back to the town we grew up in. I go home a lot during the summer...am I supposed to let him know when I'll be in town?

[DN]

I think you are a good person to feel badly for him. It says a lot about your character. So often people who break up relationships or marriages are only concerned with themselves and they can sometimes be very selfish.

 

People show their reaction to a break-up in different ways - some can be devastated and show it, others just as devastated but hide it. It is kind of you to be concerned for him - I heard of one instance where the dumper got upset because the dumpee wasn't showing much emotion, as if they wanted the dumpee to be hurt to boost their own ego.

 

But although it is great that you are sympathetic to him, you shouldn't feel guilty because you aren't guilty of anything. No one is owed a relationship.

 

I think you should return his ring, because you certainly don't want to have any material or financial gain from him - that would be very selfish and you certainly don't appear to be that.

 

If you see him be friendly and as sympathetic as you can without giving him false hope of a reconciliation. Not an easy thing to accomplish.

[J_man]

Jman, I'm trying to give him his space. He came over a week after the breakup, but I haven't seen him since. I call him or IM him here or there to let him know that it's not like I don't care about him at all, but I don't ask him to hang out because I don't want to lead him on. He's asked me to hang out two times and I turned him down. Luckily, he won't be here for the summer. That will help some I think. The thing is, he's going back to the town we grew up in. I go home a lot during the summer...am I supposed to let him know when I'll be in town?

 

 

if what you want is for him to move on, i don't think you'd need/want to let him know when you're in town. if you want him to move on, it's probably best not to call/IM him either, but that's what i meant about it being tricky-- he might take it as a wound if you initiate that. it's best if he were to do that. but if you do it, you'll probably want to make it clear you do care about him, and you're not doing it because you don't care. you're doing it because you don't want to keep the situation open/alive for him. not an easy message to receive if he's real sensitive, which is why it'd be best if he were initiating the nc. every one and every situation has its own nuances though, so that's just my take from the little i know.

[pryda]

I think everyone has to take some level of responsibility for the way they deal with situations life throws at them.

 

It depends what kind of person he is, really. I was on the wrong end of a breakup very similar to yours, she fell out of love with me and dumped me pretty much completely out of the blue, and it was a shock to the system and hard to take. But I see myself as a strong person, and the last thing I wanted was her pity; having her contacting me, checking that I was OK, really began to make me feel weak and stupid, so I started NC as soon as possible. She didn't actually take it very well, the tables started to reverse and she became quite pushy in contacting me even though I didn't want her to. But I started to feel way, way better and that's what mattered.

 

All you can do is turn your head. I know it makes you feel horrible, and I can understand why, but I know if I was in his situation I wouldn't want any sympathy. And if he's the kind of guy who DOES appreciate your sympathy, even months after the breakup when you're checking out other people then...well, he really needs to sort himself out. Again, that's not your responsibility and perhaps only in your absense can he become mentally stronger.

 

I feel for everyone who goes through a breakup because I've been there myself and I know it hurts. But as time goes on, my sympathy rapidly declines. It may sound harsh, but I feel if people really can't get over their situation even after a lot of time has elapsed then they're clearly making the choice to let the issue hang over them when they should be moving on. We're all human, but humans are strong and should be able to get through things like this.

[Daligal83]

DN-I do want to give him the ring back. It's not like I'm wearing it and he should have it if he wants it. I am curious what he's been thinking that made him change his mind. I went to go babysit and I came back to an IM from him asking if I had gotten his note and to let him know if I still want it. He is signed off now, but the next time I see him on I plan on telling him that he can have it back since he wants it. I'll leave it on the kitchen table and he can come by and get it whenever he wants. Thanks for your kind words. I know it would have been worse to string him along and I definitely don't want to see him hurt at all.

 

Jman-it's a tricky situation because we agreed to be friends. I suggested that he may need some time to move on before we could really be friends, and he stated that we haven't had much of a relationship for the last month of it anyway so he'll be fine. I don't want him to think I don't care about him at all, which is why I occasionally contact him. I figure by not asking him to hang out at all, I'm not really showing any interest in getting back together. I can just see him getting hurt if he finds out that I'm in town and didn't tell him.

 

pryda-it has actually only been three weeks since the breakup. Not that long. It's just that on my end, I've been losing feelings for him since November, so I've felt emotionally single for awhile even though I wasn't actually single (but of course never acted like I was single when I wasn't). He knew for the last month of the relationship that my feelings had changed, so it wasn't out of the blue for him, but it's still not easy to handle I guess. He is a sensitive guy and I kind of viewed how he handled this kind of situation first hand because we were living together at the end. He wasn't handling it well at all honestly. And as horrible as it sounds, it was a turn off. I thought that say we made it through this, is he going to crumble every time we go through a rough patch? I mean relationships aren't perfect and there will be problems. I wouldn't expect him not to be affected at all, but I mean he really crumbled. He told me that he thought about it all day long and couldn't think in class. He was constantly coming to me with new thoughts he had about the situation. It made me see him as someone that I couldn't emotionally count on to get through the rough times with. Maybe I'm just really harsh though, I don't know. I don't have a ton of experience with relationships.

[DeviousDevil]

Sounds abit like the end of my relationship. My ex-fiance going cold, emotionally detached and it killed me, it still does to be honest and it was turning me into a wreck as she wouldn't sodding talk about it. Never did, she was a coward in how she handled things.

 

If the situation was in reverse, would you've coped well with being with a partner that no longer gave a * * * * for you? Wouldn't you want to know what the hell the matter is, try to resolve it? You say you've felt single for ages, so you've been stringing him along, making him probably feel uncertain and crap and he'll still be loving and longing for the girl that actually loved him long ago. He'd have been trying to win back that girl, now in essense dead, or at least I know that is what I'd have been doing.

 

I'm probably not the best person to comment on this atm, but to suggest that because he hasn't coped well with this rejection that you couldn't count on him in other circumstances, is ridiculous. What it perhaps shows is how deep rooted his commitment to you was.

 

How the hell was he supposed to cope with someone he loved and who used to show love to him turning into an emotional zombie? With my ex-fiance, I am trying to think that the person that promised me so much, was deeply in love and so worried I'd leave has died.

 

I think you are being harsh, but also that I'm abit too close to this from the other side. Least you've kept some contact, tried to make it clear you do still care how he is doing, my ex (ironically also 24), hasn't. I've never fallen out of love, but I wouldn't disrespect someone for being cut up if I had ended things on this basis.

[Daligal83]

DeviousDevil, I'm sorry that you've have to be on the other end of it. It sounds like you are still very much in pain.

 

Just a few comments though. I absolutely did not string my ex along and I absolutely do still care about him. Just because I fell out of love, which is NOT something I wanted to happen, does not mean that I stopped caring about him. The reason why I let it go on so long is because I wanted the love to come back and was trying to make that happen. The moment I realized that I was not trying anymore, I ended it.

 

Maybe I was being too harsh with my reaction to his reaction. It was hard coming home and not knowing who would be waiting for me. Sometimes he was nice, sometimes depressed, sometimes just flat out mean. And I took all of it because I saw myself as the cause of his behavior and felt that I deserved it. But as much as he was justified in feeling all of those ways, it didn't make it any easier to deal with on my end. Acting like that made me pull myself away even more. It's just a vicious cycle.

 

I'm not going to lie. Your post made me feel like crap all over again. Maybe that's what I deserve though.

[DN]

Maybe that's what I deserve though.

No, you don't deserve that. You did the right thing in ending the relationship but you did try to resuscitate your feelings. Many people walk at the first sign of trouble instead of making an attempt.

 

Remember that people who have been hurt will react from that hurt - don't take it personally.

[Daligal83]

Thanks DN. It's just a horrible feeling to know you caused someone this kind of pain. Especially someone you planned on marrying at some point.

 

I had a thought last night. I may be way off of this, but I was wondering why he suddenly changed his mind about the ring. My friend came over yesterday to take a pregnancy test, and I realized last night that you could easily see the box in the trash and she had left part of the box that she ripped off on the counter, which I didn't realize. He came over after that while I was at work to get his stuff, and I noticed yesterday that some of his things were now gone from the bathroom. That means he could have seen the box from the pregnancy test and might think it's mine. He might think I've started sleeping with other people or something. Again, I might be way off here but I'm just worried that he saw it. I don't want to tell him that my friend took it because she is pregnant and doesn't want to tell anyone but family yet.

[DN]

Well, it might be that but you could analyse what he is feeling forever and still get it wrong.

 

It is just as likely that he wants the ring back because the symbolic aspect of the promise ring is no longer there and asking for it back is now a symbol that the relationship is over and he has accepted it. You keeping it would almost be like a link to a past that is no longer valid. I doubt you will ever know - but it would be interesting to know what he does with it.

[Daligal83]

Yea! I'm curious about that too. I suppose I'll never know though. He could just want to sell it so he can get some money back for it. I'd probably do that if I were in his position.

[DN]

Yea! I'm curious about that too. I suppose I'll never know though. He could just want to sell it so he can get some money back for it. I'd probably do that if I were in his position.

Well, that would be sensible - why waste money? But he might also want to throw it in the sea as a final resolution.

 

But as for you - it is a good thing to be concerned about him and that is kind. But you have the rest of your life to live - as does he. So the best thing for both of you is to move on and not over-think the past.

[Daligal83]

I'm trying. It just threw me off to get that note and hear that stuff from my mom. I need to tell her that I don't want to hear it.

[annie24]

wow - how did i miss this thread? i am sorry to hear about your breakup, but i know you are a very thoughtful person, and it sounds like you didn't come to this decision lightly. big hugs, i wish the best for you and the ex.

[Daligal83]

thanks annie

 

It's been a little awkward. It seems like every conversation we have he mentions missing me or wanting to see me. I told him yesterday that I'm OK with talking, but not ready yet to hang out. Now he's taken back the promise ring, which I understand, but the other day when he was here to pack stuff while I was at work he took a sweatshirt he had given me back. He IMs me the next day saying he did something mean and took it. I'm like, why go about it that way? I just don't get him. I don't really care that he took it, but if he really thought it was mean, why'd he do it? It's not like we had some horrible break up, we're still on good terms.

[Dancerdlk]

I am on the opposite end of this sort of a break up and reading your post gives me a lot of insight into how he was feeling.. you said it perfectly.. he was emotionally detached and i was an emotional wreck.

 

it was situational - a situation that he created - but it was long time coming, and i saw it coming but i just didnt think he would end it. and then react the way he did (start seeing a new girl a week later and beign a jerk to me)

 

may i ask you a question - do you have any thoughts of getting back togehter with him in the future?

[Clabs]

Hey Daligal

 

It does say a lot that you still care about hurting him - but you did do the right thing - if things were not working out - the sooner you cut your losses the better.

 

Good idea - tell your mum you don't want to hear any more stuff about him.

 

It sounds like you are very much further ahead emotionally than he is - the reason he is doing those silly things is to try and get to you - try and get a rise out of you - people in emotional turmoil do all sorts of nutty things.

 

I would say to try and keep your contact with him to an absolute for both your sakes. I would even go so far as to suggest you don't contact him at all - at least in these early days. It may seem harsh but so long as you keep in contact, the more you are likely to give him some hope.

 

Mark