J_man

that made me laugh

it stinks man, but there's always an upside. a fresh start can be kind of empowering. next time something bad happens you're going to have this experience to rely on and you'll be stronger. whenever the karma train comes 'round and knocks her on her butt, she'll be a lot less prepared, by the sounds of it. keep at it man, i've been following your story, it's really tough, but it sounds like you've been doing great

hey eric, are there things you like about your new place? are you able to check out the neighborhood and see if it'll take your mind off of things?

i got an email today from my exgf, but it was an invitation to view a photo album of her trip. i think it was the kind that gets sent out to multiple people at once. i found it weird that i'd be on it, she's meticulous and there's very little chance it was accidental. turns out she also emailed my parents the album, but with a note specifically for them, saying she had been thinking of them and of me. she said she hasn't really spoken to me much since we broke up but that i'm still in her thoughts and prayers. i don't know how to interpret that, along the lines of whether or not she's just trying to be on good terms/friends, or if she'd be open to reconciliation. i didn't look at the photos cliff's notes version of our sitaution was i broke up with her in october, and reached out later wanting to meet up, hopign to bring up/test the waters for reconciliation. she said she wasn't ready to see me, and we had nc until about 2 weeks ago when she said she was ready enough to meet up. i said i needed a bit more time, and this AM the email came. i had been seriously considering saying i'm ready to meet up, i think i'll email her this afternoon to say that. kinda nervous over here!

quit beating yourself up, it's a difficult thing you're going through. you got us for support, small comfort that may be..

Crows, are you trying to maintain NC with her? if so, it's not like you are her personal tech support, its been multiple times you've spoken with her because of computer issues

day 12 i guess. i'm thinking at 14 (2 weeks), i'lll probably reach out/respond. she said she was ready to meet up 12 days ago, i said i needed a bit more time, maybe in a few days i'll feel up to it

that's a pretty sweet font you have there

don't give up! especially if being in touch is doing you no good i'm on day uh... 6 i guess.

really sucks eric. it's really hurtful. it's really hard because you always search for something to rationalize it, but sometimes you just can't. hopefully reminding yourself of her actions will help keep you strong, those actions speak pretty strongly

i broke NC today after just about a month. the NC was at my ex's request, and she emailed me yesterday to say she was ready to meet up if i was, i replied that i'd like a little more time, and she replied that she understood and to let her know when i'm ready. i guess that's pretty healthy. now to continue on the path..

i feel for you, it sounds like you're in a brutal situation. try if you can not to think about where she is and what she may be doing, you'll drive yourself crazy. easier said than done, but worth the effort

day uh.. *counts* 29

i have a feeling that the coming weeks are going to be more difficult than the last few. she was out of the country for 2 weeks and i'm guessing that she's got to be back by now. knowing she was more or less out of reach was a nice crutch. knowing she's just miles down the road is going to make this more difficult. ugh. today was day 21

it's much easier said than done, but maybe you can try to push those thoughts out when they come up? it really doesn't do you any good to wonder like that, it jsut makes it harder. i try to come up with something to think of when i notice myself doing something similar. it happens to be spaghetti. not really sure why, i just think of how the steam feels on my face when i strain it. uh.. not sure that's very helpful. it does get better with some time, but it's not linear progress, sometimes you move forward, sometimes backward, then forward again. sounds like you did real good today; that's a great foundation to build on! *high five*

today was day 18 i guess

to samantha: ouch. i'm sorry to say this, but she sounds awful. so many times she's gone against her word with you. again and again and again. i think that going NC for a while, (try a month?) might help you get some more perspective? she's been terrible to you, and you've kept hoping she'd change and be more to you. she's like a drug to you it seems. it's pretty selfish of her to continually disregard your feelings, time and time again, coldly, to only be warm to you when it suits her, and to never be honest. i think drawing a hard line and taking some space for yourself might help you to see the situation a little more clearly, and the people here can be a source of support when it gets real difficult

how old are you, and how old is she, and how long were you together, and when did you break up, and what's your first and last name, credit card number, expiration date, and cvv (number on the back) i s'pose i just want the first 4 answered

hey man. i don't think you're making it any easier for yourself by thinking this way. it is, however, a good idea to think along these lines. please don't feel like a loser. that's not doing you any good either. i guess it's fine to think that for a little while, but be careful it doesn't become a recurring pattern, because that just makes everything even harder than it already is. this isn't any fun, but it's making you stronger, and you've got a bunch of supportive people here.

17. these are going by pretty slowly

holy crow. i came to post, and there was no doubt in my mind that i was going to be putting like 3 or 4 more days onto my count. boy was i shocked when i did the math. uh... i only started posting here yesterday. so i'm on day 15 of nc. dang, this last day has felt like a week. i've done a lot of reading here, i think that's part of why it feels like i've been here for so long. she's in hong kong for the holiday, at one point today i thought, i wonder what time it is there, and checked and it was 5 am on new years day, i didn't realize the time difference was so large. then i realized it's doing me no good to wonder what she's doing. dang

yeah, it's an atypical situation. i'm not sure if very much of this can be applied to other situations. this is unfortunately pretty long, i'm struggling to balance between being concise and providing adequate details. quick bit of background that'll help frame this (which i have only been able to see in hindsight), most serious relationship prior to this one was with someone who ended up being unfaithful and dishonest. that kind of influenced my attitudes, and i just kind of got jaded on the idea of relationships and didn't trust anyone really. so i gradually entered a relationship with the current ex about 2 years after that relationship ended. i entered it kind of reluctantly, she seemed to be much more into the relationship than i was. after about a year, i felt it really was unfair for me to continue, if her feelings were getting stronger and mine weren't. so i broke it off with her. my first time breaking up with anyone. felt ok about it for a while. we worked at the same company, different buildings. she was definitely using NC, i think just because she's so healthy, i don't think she's read forums or anything on the topic, she just seems to know what to do to keep herself healthy. she is also VERY stubborn and has said that once she felt someone wronged her, she cut them out of her life forever, and inflexibly. after a few months, i just felt overwhelmed and saw things for what they could have been. spent nearly a month writing a letter, which i eventually mailed to her. her initial reply was cold, but within 24 hours of that reply, she replied that it had thrown her for a loop and she never expected it, and wanted to meet up. we talked, and took things VERY slowly. frustratingly so for me, but i felt it was worth it. relationship grew very strong, and while i was still holding on to some of my jaded ideas regarding having no faith in people, it was super healthy. she expressed to me that she felt i was the one for her, for the rest of her life. a detail which i did not realize was important until months after the fact, i was switched by my pharmacy to a generic version of an antidepressant i take regularly. i can provide links of news stories if anyone's interested, it's pretty serious and the FDA is investigating. the medication's release mechanism is very different and causes it to be ineffective, causing serious returns to depression. i was starting a new job and was very stressed. this was back in the summer of this year. i started becoming more and more miserable, and didn't really know why. we both assumed it was the job. steadily, and increasingly fast, i kept getting worse. irritable, sad, withdrawn, miserable. she very healthily initiated a conversation saying that my behavior was changing, and we should try to work on it, becaseu itw as impacting the relationship. not sure how familiar people here are with clinical depression, but it seriously limits your ability to see beyond your own self, and can remove the ability to feel hopeful about anythign or to enjoy anything. a few days after her talk, just feeling more miserable than ever, i broke up with her. i made sure to do it face to face, but i just kept telling myself "don't get talked out of it" before doing it. so i basically said whatever it took to negate the things she said. she said not to make a decision like this when i'm clearly not feeling well, and there's lots of stress. she said this was a tough time, and that couples get through tough times, they just have to work through it. i said i wasn't willing to work at it. she said perhaps it would be healthiest to take a break, i said those never work. she said she'd wait until i was ready, i told her not to and that she should find someone who wanted what she wanted. i told her that i saw no future in the relationship and that i assumed it would end within a year anyhow. she said she coudln't imagine being with anyone else, and she woudln't be able to get over me. after the breakup, i continued to feel even worse. lost 12 lbs, unable to eat hardly, etc. a week after, i sent her an email, apologetic and said that i have not been feeling like myself, and she did not deserve that. i said when i was on the receiving end of something like this, it would have been very vindicating to learn that the dumper had made a mistake and regretted it, and told her that i feel this way, and hoped that would help her. a few days later, she sent a VERY clinical, cold email, saying thanks for that, it has given her the closure she needs to move on. said we had both unintentionally hurt eachother, and that's how it goes, and our relationship was special, but not meant to continue. she hoped in time we could be friends. naturally, i felt gutted, but didn't write any more, i knew not to pester her. 2 weeks after the breakup, i went online and searched around and found hundreds of stories of people who've had their lives turned upside down by the generic version of this medicine. it was an indescribably cathartic thing, i was weeping, because i had assumed it was all my fault. i thought i was a terrible person if i could take the happiest relationship of my life and throw it away for no good reason. i wanted to explode, because i wanted to tell her that none of the things i said i meant, and to explain it all. i went to see my doctor and described how things were going. she was very concerned for my health (depression, lost weight, no appetite, terrible sleep, no exercise). she also was very touched by the situation with the girl, she could see how clear my regret was, and she said, as a person, not even a doctor, i'd like to explain to her about depression, it sounds like she may not understand it. as it turns out, the girl is the one who had referred me to this doctor a few years before, so they know eachother. i said i woudl like that, but didn't want to make the decision instantly, i wanted to think it over. a week or so later, she did call her, the doctor told me it was a very long conversation, where she was interested and asked questions. the doctor asked if i had been contacted yet, i said i hadn't. i spent like 2 weeks putting together this photo album i felt said everything i wanted, all these wonderful pictures, etc. basically expressing things are not clear right now, but i'm not giving up and would like to talk to her to share perspectives. she sent an email back that basically said that was very thoughtful, thank you, the relationship was special, i don't have any resentments. she said the most rewarding experiences in her life were rewarding because they were difficult and she had to go through them on her own. she was not ready to see me, and when she was, hopefully we both would be doing wel, so we could speak. she said she felt time didn't lessen feelings or sentiments if they are important or significant enough. have a nice holiday. pretty clinical, use of past-tense for the relationship. i re-read the book i had sent, and realized my enthusiasm had kind of made me express things not very clearly, and i felt she had the impression i was either trying to undo some resentments, or to try to get back together right away. i spent the next 10 days writing an email. i agonized over this thing, as i had all of these communications, revising, etc. until i felt it was just right. i explained that i had really only been trying to ask for one isolated conversation to understand where the other is at. i said that perhaps she felt things should be obvious to me, but they aren't. i have no idea what her perspective is, and i felt healing goes best with the proper information, and i didn't understand what threat information posed. i said i respect her wishes, and get the message she's not ready. i refrained from telling her any of the things in wanted to say in person. i said that for my health, i do need to know one thing. if she had already made a decision that there will never be a relationship between us in the future, and woudln't be open to anything she might learn, i need to know it now so i can deal with it immediately as i try to get healthier. after about 5 days she replied, she said thanks for the letter, it was thoughtful and thorough, she respected my honesty. she said she's not making any decisions about us until she's in a better state of mind, less emotional. she said she'd try to be reasonable and open-minded. so i'm just waiting now. it's pretty messed up. i feel this whole meltdown with the depression was actually a good thing in a sense, it forced me to let go of some of my old, self-protective attitudes. it's forcing me to reevaluate things, and to admit that i have to fully embrace the sitaution. i want to be with her for the rest of my life. i don't think i woudl have come around to this perspective very soon or very easily had i not had such a severe crash. however, i have now broken up with her twice. she is very overprotective of herself. i'm sure her family or friends would advise her to just walk away. i woudl do the same if i were on the outside and did not know the things from my perspective that i've explained her. i feel we're so much better positioned to make this work now. i feel like the sentiments she expressed were very strong, and i feel they don't just immediately dry up. the things i said i did not mean. i was blindsided by the medication issue. but i feel that even though i have so much hope on my side, i'm not sure if i should. it's goign to take a miracle i feel for her to accept my side of it. it's very odd that i turned the tables and made myself the one who's hurting and asking for someone to be reasonable and open-minded. it's all the things in reverse. i want this more than anything, and even if she says no, i'm not certain i will give up. but i know i've got to give her complete space adn just stay away and let her have her life. so it's pretty difficult. i know tht for my own health, it's best to just give up and move on and get healthy. but that's not what i want. time will tell i guess. sorry that was so long

ok i'm in. i guess the last time i contacted her was december 16th (she replied on december 21). i broke up with her on october 28th. have contacted her 3 times total since the breakup, 4 if you count a call i made to her cell that she did not pick up after she wrote me back the very first time. so i guess today would be my 14th day of no contact. the way things were left is that she would let me know when she is ready to talk. i vow not to contact her before that, and i guess it would be february at the earliest that she would reach out to me, but it could be march. i sure hope before april, yikes.