Very bad sex...

[katie465]

Hello,

 

I'm kind of a weird person in the sense that I'm a 26 years old woman and I've only recently met my FIRST boyfriend ever (he's 32). Everything went really well the first few months until we started having sex. I can't describe it in words that well but it's just been really really awful. Very depressing. We don't get "into" it at all. We're very clumsy, very nervous. We were both virgins when we met.

 

I don't know what to do, I see and hear about people all the time enjoying and loving sex, and for us it's just been a nightmare. I've never been able to have an orgasm and he usually has to "finish" himself. I don't think I'm an ugly person, and neither is he, so the problem is not physical I hope. We're just both very very shy and insecure people. I'm really lucky to have found him, and I'm happy with him, but I'd really like to have better sex. I don't know if it's wrong for me to want this now that I've finally found a nice person to be with.

[EQD]

sex is a skill like any other, sometimes you are a natural but most times it takes expirience to perfect.

[ghost69]

you are new to it. i know the first time i jumped into a pool i didn't swim laps and laps of a perfect stroke. not until i was on a swim team.

 

practice. it's the only way.

[Aleadragonhawk]

How is your communication? You mention that you're both shy - do you talk about sex? How about during sex? Do you tell him what feels good and what doesn't? Does he tell you the same? Do either of you have a pre-existing medical condition that might be making sex harder on you than it should be?

[Roasted Carrots]

How long have you been dating? I think you should have a conversation before you get horizontal. It sounds to me like both of you are too nervous to relax enough to enjoy it.

 

I think you should talk about it. Constantly. Desensitize yourself to the idea. That way you can talk about ANYTHING in the bedroom, or out of it.

 

Maybe try buying yourself something sexy. Really get into the mood with candles and kissing and everything. Turn the heat up and try again.

 

Above all, try to relax. Sex is not pretty if you're doing it right. There are odd noises and smells. You bump into each other and will have to occasionally ask him to change position. It's not the hollywood version. I'm not saying that sex isn't beautiful, because it is. But it's sweaty and everything else too.

[midnightrambler]

if he is a nice person and treats you well, count your blessings

[Lostkitton]

You say you are both shy and insecure. That could be a reason why. I know when I was feeling insecure about myself and having sex, I didn't enjoy it as much as when I could give a flying **** about my insecurities and went at it.

 

Maybe you 2 aren't ready just yet to have that sexual intamacy. It's ok. Talk first, get yourselves out into the open. Communication is key to a great sex life with your partner.

 

When you say you don't get into it at all, how are you setting the mood before hand? Do you all do foreplay?

[EQD]

sex is indeed a clumsy thing, and sometimes it gets gross. just make sure you arent thinking it would be some magnificent dance like in the movies... it can be awkward... beware.

its in likeness to two dogs humping.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yeah, you guys need to talk about sex. Get comfortable with talking about it. Then start talking dirty.

 

The state of mind makes all the difference.

 

Also, practice, practice, practice.

[Aviatormy]

Try having sex in front of a mirror. This can potentially take the focus off of the two of you and put it on the "sexy couple" in the mirror. The benefits of this... you still feel the pleasure and you can laugh at each other (helping with the nervousness). Eventually, watching each other in the mirror will be a big turn on and no longer used as an "ice breaker"

[jettison]

Try having sex in front of a mirror. This can potentially take the focus off of the two of you and put it on the "sexy couple" in the mirror. The benefits of this... you still feel the pleasure and you can laugh at each other (helping with the nervousness). Eventually, watching each other in the mirror will be a big turn on and no longer used as an "ice breaker"

 

I have to say, in my estimation this is about the opposite of the advice I'd be likely to give. Women tend to be more self-conscious about their bodies then men, but these days, both sexes seem to have a rather unhealthy outlook on their bodies and their sexuality. In our culture it's pervasive.

 

So, unless you two are athletes, looking in the mirror at yourself isn't likely to be a huge turnon. Sex in well-lit rooms in large mirrors is anything but romantic.

 

The definition of romance: fanciful; impractical; unrealistic: romantic ideas.

 

"Doing it" in the mirror negates all sense of romance and then turns it into something clinical. You want something romantic? Do the opposite. Build a "tent city" in your bedroom out of blankets, pillows, and chairs, just like when you were a kid. Watch a DVD or something on your laptop while hidden under the covers with only a flashlight to light the way. Make your move. That's romantic.

 

DO NOT get caught up on function or on "doing it right" when it comes to sex. "Doing it right" in many senses can really be "doing it wrong". Think about having some kind of "sex operator", the perfect male speciman to have sex with you in the perfect way. If you are not connected to this man in your head, there's a fair chance that no matter how talented and adept he is, the experience will end up less then worthwhile. The main positive about this hypothetical would be, however, that he won't be self conscious, and that he's probably learned to not only have fun himself, but put you at ease because, afterall, he looks like he's having fun.

 

If you're having sex with your partner, and they look like they're not enjoying it, or struggling, or self conscious, or worried, then all enjoyment flies straight out the window. The guy could be hung like a horse, know where to put his hands, be super "talented", but if you're not comfortable then none of that matters in the least.

 

Building a repoire and comfort level is what it's all about.

[katie465]

Thank you for the many replies already.

 

It's true that we haven't truly talked about it yet. The first time happened 4 months ago while we were watching a movie together at his apartment. Afterwards we didn't really talk about it. I wouldn't know how to begin talking about it though.. Especially not after all this time. I don't want him to feel embarrassed or hurt.

[Aviatormy]

Go to a sex shop and look around at fun sex games I.E. "dice for him" "dice for her". If your drink, have a couple glasses of wine to ease the anxiety. Don't concentrate too much on the act of making love but rather, focus on the foreplay. Watch each others UNCONTROLABLE body movements. Those movements such as, deeper breathing, twitching, muscles tensing up, subtle or loud moans or noises. These are dead giveaways that your partner likes what your doing. (rarely does it mean that its too rough or making them uncomfortable).

 

If your partner makes a twitching move after you kiss or lick a certain area.. smile at him and say "you like that?".

[doyathink]

sex is indeed a clumsy thing, and sometimes it gets gross. just make sure you arent thinking it would be some magnificent dance like in the movies... it can be awkward... beware.

its in likeness to two dogs humping.

 

Ahahaha.....hmmm, tell it like it is, dont be shy. lol

[BronzedSkin123]

How long have you been dating? I think you should have a conversation before you get horizontal. It sounds to me like both of you are too nervous to relax enough to enjoy it.

 

I think you should talk about it. Constantly. Desensitize yourself to the idea. That way you can talk about ANYTHING in the bedroom, or out of it.

 

Maybe try buying yourself something sexy. Really get into the mood with candles and kissing and everything. Turn the heat up and try again.

 

Above all, try to relax. Sex is not pretty if you're doing it right. There are odd noises and smells. You bump into each other and will have to occasionally ask him to change position. It's not the hollywood version. I'm not saying that sex isn't beautiful, because it is. But it's sweaty and everything else too.

 

what kind of smells?? i would not want to have sex if the person stinks

[Aviatormy]

what kind of smells?? i would not want to have sex if the person stinks

 

The smells I think are being talked about here are the NATURAL body smells.

 

If I were to just walk up to my GF and smell her down south without the intention of going down on her, it would smell different than it would if I were in the mindset of "I want to ravage her!" lol.

 

I think she smells great either way but oh so much better when I am going down on her. .

 

mmmmm

 

What time do I get off work again? AH! ha ha!

[kuiks8]

I have this sex game called the sensual adventure...its an interactive DVD game for couples...it guides you through foreplay to climax...it plays out like erotic porn and you mimic what you see...

Its pretty hot you should check it out!

[EQD]

Ahahaha.....hmmm, tell it like it is, dont be shy. lol

 

heehee i strive to be honest. but 'making love' compared to 'sex' is actually one of the most wonderful things i can think of. the only real difference is the emotions involved.

[Batya33]

I would buy and read for yourself first books like the joy of sex and also I would stop having sex for now. Instead, give each other long massages, shower together, get really into foreplay, let the excitement build and also get to know and be comfortable with each other's bodies and with telling each other what feels good (start with what feels good, when you get more comfortable you can learn ways to tell him what doesn't work for you without being a drill seargant).

 

Also I would want to know if you feel emotionally connected to him when you kiss, touch -- non "full sex" activities.

 

And, I would start working out or doing yoga or taking dance lessons if what you mean by insecure is that you don't like your body. That can also impact the experience.

 

Good luck!

[LBP]

I know that during my first time I was all caveman, grunt, urg and all that - no subtlety at all. Took quite some learning before I felt not just confident but knowledgeable with my actions. I was not sedentary on this. Research and consideration played major roles.

 

Sex ain't like breathing. It's something worth studying.

[LBP]

Key point - the brain is the most important sex organ.

[Sky_Ronin]

The both of you have been seeing eachother for months already. There's no need to feel nervous in front of the person you love. I think the problem is that both of you spend too much time thinking about it. Just calm down, get comfortable and let the magic happen naturally. With time, patience, and experience it'll be very simple trust me.