Losers Club... Should we be giving each other advice?

[kevinm]

I'm thinking this morning, that maybe we shouldn't be giving each other advice. I realize that drawing from others experience is wise, but so many here are messed up emotions, have failed relationships, etc. Are we qualified to give each other advice?

 

Sure sure, there are some topics I feel confident in giving advice as I've been through those situations. And I realize that we are like pieces of the puzzle of life, putting together everyones pieces to help develop a whole picture.

 

What I question is the sincerity which all posters approach other problems. There seem to be some posters just wanting to stand on their soap box and dish out advice. "I am right and you are wrong" type of posters. Does anyone else feel the same?

 

-Kevin

[Batya33]

I much prefer to read input from people with failed relationships who then worked on themselves than people who had it relatively smooth/easy who can't relate.

[kevinm]

Ah, I suppose it's more about patterns. If a person has a pattern of failed relationships, even if they have "grown" as you say, should they be giving out advice? Perhaps there is a fundamental problem not surfacing when this poster is dishing out the advice. Shouldn't we look to those who have successful realtionships as models?

 

-Kevin

[Tethys]

A lot of us have failed relationships, true, but then we learn from those mistakes and can impart that wisdom. Some of us have great relationships, so we can impart our wisdom.

 

Nothing wrong with either.

[Batya33]

It depends. If the successful relationship was easy in the sense of luck and timing, or they've only had one relationship their entire life, they will probably not be able to advise on the dating scene, for example. And I find on here people caveat their input with their personal experiences and background.

 

A friend of mine who seems to have a successful marriage once advised me "if the sex is good then get married, have a baby and if it doesn't work out you can always divorce him." Now, that might make me question the success of her marriage.

 

And it depends how you define success - especially on a message board. How do we know their particular definition of success? Or whether it is compatible with ours? Just because they are married? Often I see success in having the strength to leave an unsatisfying relationship even when all your friends are coupled off.

[shikashika]

I don't see much of this 'I'm right and you are wrong" on ENA at all.

 

Sure people have very different opinions, but it's only people who get offended easily who would think like that.

 

Sure, if someone has a very different opinion to me, i'm going to debate it...but it doesn'tget me down or think the debate should stop.

[Cognitive_Canine]

it's all about learning from others experiences, imo.

 

Being the third wheel with my friends and watching my mother go through about a dozen messed up relationships has helped me a lot.

[pinkelephant]

since when did having a failed relationship equates you to being a loser? lol. i had a disasterious relationship, was helped on here. now im dating a great guy and hopefully going to have an amazing relationship... and if it werent for people here who told me he was interested, i'd probably not be seeing him tomorrow.

 

 

no loser here, sorry.

[lila...]

Well I think even if you haven't gone through something similar you can still give an objective perspective since we'd be looking at the situation from the outside. When we're in it sometimes we can be blinded and not really see what's going on, and outside opinions can be very helpful and eye opening.

 

For some situations, though, it would be very helpful to get valid input from someone who's already been there.

[Tethys]

At the end of the day, isn't ENA supposed to be a SUPPORT site? You don't need a record number of "successful" relationships to be supportive of others, do you?

[civilservant]

I think learning from other peoples experiances can only be a good thing, often they have gone through things you haven't, or they've got a perspective that you hadn't thought of. Ok maybe some people don't have the best advise to give, but the wonderful thing about being human is that everyone has an opinion, and they all deserve due consideration.

[Alezia]

Why do you assume everyone here is in trouble and failed relationships?

I've actually never had much problems, but I am very interested in other's experiences and gaining more perspective on life. I do feel I gain a lot from others maybe not through them helping me out with my "failed relationship" but I always love hearing new parenting tips, new products, new outlooks etc...

[Cognitive_Canine]

At the end of the day, isn't ENA supposed to be a SUPPORT site? You don't need a record number of "successful" relationships to be supportive of others, do you?

 

Has ANYONE gone through a bunch of successful relaitonships?

 

Unless you marry your true love on your first try, you've probably gotten your heartbroken.

 

And, it doesn't matter how much you know about relationships, they can still fail. It in no means makes you a loser or something like that.

 

BTW, I quoted because I agree and wanted to add on.

[just M.E.]

I hope when I give "advice" it is read with the disclaimer of "In my most humble opinion" because we can really only speak from what we have known, experienced and learned from. In the end, each of us, takes from the posts what they need, what works best for them.

 

Yes, there are many here with relationships, marriages, life struggles but in the real world there are many blissfully pretending all is well when the damn has already cracked. There is good in asking the questions, there is good in looking at ourselves, no one will ever find "The Answer" but we all strive.

[JadedStar]

Ah, I suppose it's more about patterns. If a person has a pattern of failed relationships, even if they have "grown" as you say, should they be giving out advice? Perhaps there is a fundamental problem not surfacing when this poster is dishing out the advice. Shouldn't we look to those who have successful realtionships as models?

 

-Kevin

 

If that is really how you feel then yes, perhaps another site might help. I can tell you, however, as a person who is very into psychology and i like to think i have a great deal of knowledge on the topic that you will be hard pressed to find a better website dealing with relationships than ENA. There are so many diverse members here with a range of backgrounds. Very smart people, very supportive people and a very ecclectic range of experience.

 

I think it a bit shortsighted if you honestly think there are many people out there whose first relationship was successful. Even if you do find these folks, i don't know if their advice will help much because they got lucky enough to find someone who was great for them right off the bat. That does not mean that what they share with you will even apply to your situation.

 

It is odd you titled your thread "loser's club". If you see yourself as a loser you will tend to project that image to others. I think most people here don't think they are losers, and they are correct.

[kevinm]

Hahaha, I'm cracking up reading these posts. All good posts Enots. Points well taken. And for the record, I don't take offense to any of the comments anyone has made towards me or my situations. The title was just to grab attention, like any good headline

 

So, all of this said, I think Bubalu has said it best... it's all about an outsiders opinion. The fact of the matter is that I don't take everyones advice, but do give others opinions consideration.

 

I do feel some posters are more concrete in their opinions. Frankly I find it dull to debate with them as it's almost impossible to entirely paint the picture on a situation one is going through. Hence, it is the individual that is in said situation and has to deal with the results of their actions.

 

-Kevin

[Batya33]

In fact I sometimes find it arrogant when someone who never had to date much (or who, once she/he meets her mr. right has selective amnesia about what it's like "out there" -- smug marrieds) gives "advice" about dating.

[JadedStar]

Hahaha, I'm cracking up reading these posts. All good posts Enots. Points well taken. And for the record, I don't take offense to any of the comments anyone has made towards me or my situations. The title was just to grab attention, like any good headline

 

So, all of this said, I think Bubalu has said it best... it's all about an outsiders opinion. The fact of the matter is that I don't take everyones advice, but do give others opinions consideration.

 

I do feel some posters are more concrete in their opinions. Frankly I find it dull to debate with them as it's almost impossible to entirely paint the picture on a situation one is going through. Hence, it is the individual that is in said situation and has to deal with the results of their actions.

 

-Kevin

 

I would rather learn how to ride a horse from someone who has been thrown off a couple of times. It shows they have tenacity and passion to get it right and was not afraid to take some calculated risks.

[kevinm]

 

I think it a bit shortsighted if you honestly think there are many people out there whose first relationship was successful.

 

 

It would be absolutely idiotic of me to think in this manner. And I don't.

 

-Kevin

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I will also add that sometimes us armchair psychologists can hit the nail on the head better than the professional psychologists. Professional psychologists who counsel on relationship issues are human, have their own biases, many times base their feedback on their own biases and experiences, like regular people, they too could have been divorced, or had unsuccessful relationships. There is no perfect person out there to dispense advice. We all have our biases and experiences which can make the feedback useful.

[browneyedgirl36]

In fact I sometimes find it arrogant when someone who never had to date much (or who, once she/he meets her mr. right has selective amnesia about what it's like "out there" -- smug marrieds) gives "advice" about dating.

 

This is exactly how I feel, Batya, which is why I seek advice (and give advice) here. I have friends and family members who offer advice, but really, how much good advice can my mom, who has been happily married for over 40 years, give me about the "dating scene"? (Now, if I want tips for a successful marriage, I probably WILL go to her, since I think she knows her stuff.) Or, my sister, who married the second guy she ever dated (and has been with him for almost 20 years) and has never really been on the "dating scene" at all? Or, most of my friends, who perhaps dated a bit in high school and college but have been married for 12-15 years and have no idea what it's like to be a single woman in her late 30's? The truth is, none of them have ANY idea what it's like to be in my shoes, but people on here DO, which is great. I have learned a lot, especially about how to interact with an ex that you have no choice but to see on a regular basis, how not to internalize the fact that an ex chose not to be with you, etc. Good stuff.

 

I see Kevin's original point to an extent, though. There certainly ARE some people on here whose advice I would not take based on reading of their experiences and how they handled them -- i.e. there was a poster on here some time ago who was giving advice to other posters about how to get their exes back, and based on his "backstory," I knew that I would never take his advice. He insisted that his strategy would work, and was pretty smug about it when it "seemed" to be working for him. I say "seemed" because, while his ex did try to come back finally, he ended up sabotaging the relationship with game-playing and manipulation, and then of course promptly disappeared from the site when people questioned him about his actions. These folks are not the majority, though; I've found that I can learn a lot from many people on here, regardless of age, gender, country of origin, etc.

 

As with advice we receive from our friends and family in real life, it's all about distinguishing between the good and the not-so-good.

[shikashika]

There are a lot of immature people who just don't know the understand that having a different opinion doesn't mean an attack.

 

Or, they start a thread, when they don't like what they read, or don't like the responses, they delete the thread

 

Why post if you're not prepared for all types of responses. The ones that get deleted proabbly hit to close to home and the poster doesn't want to admit they are true.

 

I think anytime you post something, be prepared for all types of people to respond eg, a 14 year old to be giving advice to a 52 year old widow or getting advice from a church-going virgin to someone who wants to start being an escort.

[kevinm]

How about a 52 year old chuch going virgin wanting to be an escort? LMAO... sorry, couldn't help it

 

-Kevin

[shikashika]

How about a 52 year old chuch going virgin wanting to be an escort? LMAO... sorry, couldn't help it

 

-Kevin

 

 

i'm sure there's a need for it somewhere!

[JadedStar]

How about a 52 year old chuch going virgin wanting to be an escort? LMAO... sorry, couldn't help it

 

-Kevin

 

HEY! Leave me out of this!

 

ROFLMAO.

 

Just playin.