Nonchalance is Your Friend

[rapunzel]

I think you should feel GLAD that you did not have sex (booty) with him - think how much WORSE you would feel if you had, and then you read that.

 

Don't feel badly about hanging out with him, no big deal. Are you certain it's not you he wants to take? It's only Tuesday.

 

Even if he's dating other women, it does NOT reflect on your worth or how desirable or attractive you are. He's just not the right guy for you. He does NOT determine your worth. He is not God, is he?

 

If you want a boyfriend and it makes you feel bad to be "friends" with him, then stop hanging out with him and focus your energies on finding an available man who WILL treat you right. And we have to remember that men often don't equate sex with love as women often do, so as women, we have to hold back our own sexual desire and drive and control the pace of the relationship if we want anything more than just a "booty" call. You can't make it too easy for 'em, it's just the way it is. I have made the same mistake and so have countless other women.

[PaleSeptember]

I thought it would be a good sign that he wanted to cuddle and chat with you, instead of just using you for sex?

 

Also, did he actually write that he has a date set up and that he asked a girl out, or did he simply ask for suggestions?

[jenna-is-here]

Thanks Rapunzel. Im pretty sure it is not me for the date. If it is, you guys will be the 1st to hear about it.

 

Anyway, you are right, I need to flush him out b/c it is wasting time and energy. There are good men out there. I see them everyday. And next time, I will be SURE to control the pace better. At least till I know if I want him to take me seriously or not.

 

Time to work on myself and build my esteem and not let his actions make me feel crappy.

[jenna-is-here]

I thought it would be a good sign that he wanted to cuddle and chat with you, instead of just using you for sex?

 

Also, did he actually write that he has a date set up and that he asked a girl out, or did he simply ask for suggestions?

 

He asked for suggestions. Then later said it is was Saturday. Then someone mocked him about not cooking and his reply was, "she is hot, I dont mind taking her out in public" You can imagine how crappy that makes me feel since we usually hang at his house. I am so stupid for thinking all that crap he said was actually the tides turning.

[jellysandwich]

Guess I should update, kind of uneventful but still.

 

The very day I posted the message below (3 days ago), she called me up at night. This is the first time that she's called me since I re-initiated contact 2 months ago (called me on her own accord). She mentioned the message I sent her last week saying she could call me. Anyway, we talked for about 5 minutes before I had to go, as I got kicked out of the building.

 

She then called again last night, but I didn't pickup because I was sleeping. I'll probably call her tomorrow, busy day today.

 

The world's an interesting place.

 

Well, I think my story is over. I'm pretty sure she's realized I won't be giving her the ego boost she wants, so she's been slowly decreasing contact over the past few weeks.

 

Honestly, I'm kind of disappointed. I thought she'd be a stronger person than that.

 

Oh well. Good luck to the rest of you.

[jenna-is-here]

Guess I should update, kind of uneventful but still.

 

The very day I posted the message below (3 days ago), she called me up at night. This is the first time that she's called me since I re-initiated contact 2 months ago (called me on her own accord). She mentioned the message I sent her last week saying she could call me. Anyway, we talked for about 5 minutes before I had to go, as I got kicked out of the building.

 

She then called again last night, but I didn't pickup because I was sleeping. I'll probably call her tomorrow, busy day today.

 

The world's an interesting place.

 

 

 

Nice! Just goes to show, what we dont push comes at us. Nicely done.

[Mark33]

2 months ago, after one year relationship in which she was telling me everyday that she loves me, and after I was the first guy with whom she had sex in her life, my exgf broke up with me because after many months of not showing any feelings to her,

and meeting only 3-4 days in a month,

I became jealous and calling her too many times when she went to work abroad.

 

Last 2 months were LC, with 5-10 days periods of NC.

 

Yesterday I wrote her about that I was thinking about her and

her love, wishes and dreams. She sent me this text

 

"Our beautiful love ended. I'm happy with somebody else. I'm sorry but I gave you chance and I gave you love and time but you didn't want it.

Now it is too late. i'm so happy now. Somebody loves me as much as I do.

You and me we'll be never together for longer time, so it was without sense from the first day"

 

In the past, I realized she lied to me maybe about 5% of the times.

What are the chances that in 2 months she really found another guy and she really felt in love with him?

[mr_zanon]

n the past, I realized she lied to me maybe about 5% of the times.

What are the chances that in 2 months she really found another guy and she really felt in love with him?

95%?

Jokes apart...people tend to fall out of love some time before ending the relationship. So don't consider that it happened in 2 months, because it could be more than that.

[Capthxc]

95%?

Jokes apart...people tend to fall out of love some time before ending the relationship. So don't consider that it happened in 2 months, because it could be more than that.

Agree with this. Often times people will try and convince themselves that they can love their SO even if it isnt there. They do this because they care, but they dont love you. They dont want to hurt you and they want to make things work. When it gets to be too much or they find someone else that they have connected with they move on. For all you know she could have found this other guy before she broke up with you. I wouldnt recommend asking though, thats just too much pain to deal with. Its not an easy thing to accept, but you have to find the strength to move on.

[jellysandwich]

She called me again tonight. Talked for about 20 minutes.

 

It was weird ... We actually had a decent conversation for once. I teased her a little, had some laughs. Not sure if it's going anywhere though.

 

Wonder if I should make the next move or continue letting her.

[Live-N-Learn]

It's over. I was right about her and Casey. But I will be fine, everything will be fine, it always is...right. Thanks for all the advice from this thread. I learned a lot.

 

Her and I are going to sit down and talk when I get back from Florida on Tuesday. I will post my story in the healing section. God Bless

[BeDour]

She called me again tonight. Talked for about 20 minutes.

 

It was weird ... We actually had a decent conversation for once. I teased her a little, had some laughs. Not sure if it's going anywhere though.

 

Wonder if I should make the next move or continue letting her.

 

I'd say let her make one more move (as in a move to communicate with you). You don't want to give off the impression that after the first good conversation, you're a desperate mess all of a sudden.

[rapunzel]

Yesterday I wrote her about that I was thinking about her and

her love, wishes and dreams. She sent me this text

 

"Our beautiful love ended. I'm happy with somebody else. I'm sorry but I gave you chance and I gave you love and time but you didn't want it.

Now it is too late. i'm so happy now. Somebody loves me as much as I do.

You and me we'll be never together for longer time, so it was without sense from the first day"

 

QUOTE]

 

Mark, it doesn't matter. If someone wrote me that text, that would be all I need to hear. Time to leave her alone and go complete NC. It's a tough nut to swallow but it's what you have to do. I agree with the other poster that "people tend to fall out of love some time before ending the relationship. So don't consider that it happened in 2 months, because it could be more than that. "

[bungalo]

Called my ex yesterday afternoon after 40 days of NC. Nothing. No return call. Sucks.

[jenna-is-here]

She sent me this text

 

"Our beautiful love ended. I'm happy with somebody else. I'm sorry but I gave you chance and I gave you love and time but you didn't want it.

Now it is too late. i'm so happy now. Somebody loves me as much as I do.

You and me we'll be never together for longer time, so it was without sense from the first day"

 

In the past, I realized she lied to me maybe about 5% of the times.

What are the chances that in 2 months she really found another guy and she really felt in love with him?

 

It doesnt matter the chances. I agree with Rapunzel. It is time to focus on yourself 100% and stop focusing on the possiblity of you and her. Easier said then done but you are one of the lucky ones...she is clearly communicating with you and not stringing you along here. You have your pass. It is going to feel crappy for a while, but you are better off in the long run not wondering and hanging on to a dream that isnt going to happen in the immediate future.

 

You never know what life will bring down the road (years from now even) but for now make a commitment to focusing on yourself and moving forward building up your life.

[jenna-is-here]

Called my ex yesterday afternoon after 40 days of NC. Nothing. No return call. Sucks.

 

Bungalo - that is okay. You are non-chalance so whatever the outcome of that call, dont let it affect you. And it has barely been 24 hrs. Im betting you will hear from her so get your noncha ready!

[bungalo]

Thanks. Who knows? Who cares? Right? I think I sounded a little "scripted" with my message..but I did the best I could.

[bungalo]

I talked to her. She called back. It was pleasant..although just slightly awkward. I remained non-chalant, and non-needy, and didn't bring up the rel/ship or the past-except in a joking way when she mentioned telling a colleague that we broke up. I said, really? Did we break up? She kind of gave me a nervous laugh. She also laughed when I referred to FB as "sit on my Facebook." We talked for about 45 minutes...I only wanted to talk for like ten. We are meeting up in a few days for lunch. I have to give it a go..and stay non-cha. Thanks for all the support guys. Bung

[sadchick83]

Good for you! The lunch will be the real test. Face to face is much more of a challenge to maintain your cool. Lunch is better-less pressure, less alcohol. Read this entire thread before you go. Good luck Bung!!!!

[jenna-is-here]

I talked to her. She called back. It was pleasant..although just slightly awkward. I remained non-chalant, and non-needy, and didn't bring up the rel/ship or the past-except in a joking way when she mentioned telling a colleague that we broke up. I said, really? Did we break up? She kind of gave me a nervous laugh. She also laughed when I referred to FB as "sit on my Facebook." We talked for about 45 minutes...I only wanted to talk for like ten. We are meeting up in a few days for lunch. I have to give it a go..and stay non-cha. Thanks for all the support guys. Bung

 

Nice! I told you Bung!! You da man! I cant wait to hear how the lunch goes, then again, it doesnt really matter

[Live-N-Learn]

many of you have followed my story on this thread. The ex is now seeing another guy and it is over. She really, really wants to be friends. I don't believe it is to relieve any guilt but because she really likes and cares about me. I still have feelings for her but believe with some time I can be friends with her cuz I have accepted she is never coming back and the relationship is not good for me. I will miss her not in my life and just am not sure how to proceed.

 

She just called me and wants to sit down and talk about everything when I get back from my trip on Tuesday. Any advice?

[Griffey]

I wouldn't do it. Heal first then worry about friendship later. Otherwise you'll never move on.

[bungalo]

Thanks Sadchick and Jenna. I haven't felt this calm in ages. I don't intend to ask her many questions..and will steer clear of the past and rel/ship talk. If I don't put my heart out there...it can't be broken again.

 

No one wants to see anyone get their heart torn up over and over..(LNL)..I think Griffey is right...sounds like you might just get sucked back into the drama. Lay low for awhile.

[DN]

many of you have followed my story on this thread. The ex is now seeing another guy and it is over. She really, really wants to be friends. I don't believe it is to relieve any guilt but because she really likes and cares about me. I still have feelings for her but believe with some time I can be friends with her cuz I have accepted she is never coming back and the relationship is not good for me. I will miss her not in my life and just am not sure how to proceed.

 

She just called me and wants to sit down and talk about everything when I get back from my trip on Tuesday. Any advice?

I would not if she is seeing someone else.

[Live-N-Learn]

I am leaning towards not being friends right now. The wounds are very fresh and it will hurt so much to see her with the new guy all happy and looking at me as if everything is OK between us. I have some anger towards her because of all the mixed signals over the past 4 months. She even slept with me about 10 times those first 3 months before friendzoning me a month ago. Even over the past month the mixed signals continued, only the sex stopped. She told me she felt we were always more classified in her mind as "great or best FWB's" when I talked to her this week. She did not consider what we were doing dating.

 

The part that is hard for me is her telling me she was not going to date for a long time (told me this 4 months ago) but she was sleeping with me. Then a month ago I asked her if she was ready to start dating and she said not for at least 6 months. She then said she would talk to me about us when she was ready to date. Then 30 days later she is now with this other guy without ever talking to me about it. I had to find out on the devil, facebook. I called her on it and she said she was really sorry and feels bad and never intentionally meant to hurt me, it just happened. She now wants to talk to try to save the friendship.

 

I do care about her but do not know what kinda friendship we could really have. Not sure what to say to her cuz I feel disrespected, used and like she did not consider my feelings when posting all the crap about them on FB. Why is she telling me how important I am now and trying so hard to keep me in her life?