he's lying to me...again guys

[barbielovesmac]

I don't even have a phone, lol. We both didn't have cell phones because they 'caused problems.' We had a house phone though. I haven't tried to call him . . . and I know he won't be calling me. He won't even know how to get ahold of me. Unless he shows up at my mothers ... which he won't ... then I won't hear from him.

 

I think NOT hearing from him for those 3 days HELPED me. It showed me what kind of person he was. The only time we spoke was yesterday morning and I NEEDED that. But that's it. I don't even WANT to talk to him. And that is saying a lot for me ... every other time we broke up I chased him like a puppy chases him mommy. Not this time. I haven't even bothered.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

good! lol that makes it a lot easier...

 

i dont know what it is ...but its almost as if they have you under a spell.... and when you break out of that..and get some time to think and hear your own thoughts ... instead of worrying and wondering about them.... you begin to see things a little differently- thats why NC for you is so so important... you need some time to hear your own thoughts and figure out what you need to do for YOU ..and not worry about what he wants or what he needs.. and blah blah

 

and don't be discouraged if you have "bad days" or "off days" ... because you will ... but just keep your head up and thoughts focused on the future... a future without worrying, lying, you can have a cell phone, do what you want, have your friends and a boyfriend, no drama... just stay focused on the future.

 

anyone that can treat someone they "claim" to love the way that he has treated you ... has got to have some deep rooted mental issues... and they are way too big for you to "fix" or "help him get past" ...

[barbielovesmac]

Yes, yes, you are so right.

 

It's like im stepping out into a new life. Trying to get things right again for MYSELF. I was so consumed with him that I forgot about me. I lost myself in this relationship. I lost myself completely in this relationship. After my last relationship I swore I would never lose myself again and well, I did. He made me believe that certain things that I was doing were wrong, when really they weren't. I just lost myself. It was all about him .... him .... him. I lost sight of what really mattered. I stopped having fun.

 

But now, I am rekindling those friendships that I so selfishly destroyed. Luckily, they are REAL friends and are welcoming me back into their lives.

[barbielovesmac]

ugh .... i hate this. i truly hate this. i hate that he did this to me.

[GetMeBack]

Hun I know how you feel to be completely consumed by someone ..I am going through it myself and I know how painful it is..Hugs to you. x

[Censored]

You let him do it to you barbie.

 

Change yourself to change the world.

[Aleadragonhawk]

You've only been broken up for a few days, Barbie. You haven't had time to deal with this, handle it, cope, or grieve. It's natural and normal that you aren't able to see yourself being in a relationship with someone else at this point. Just give yourself time and focus on moving on in general and not moving on to another relationship.

[thejigsup]

You'll make it just fine, honey. You've got the stuff. I wasted 8 years with my loser. Am I saying I invested too much time to leave. NO! I'm just thankful some great people on ENA opened my eyes and helped me make it final. I owe them any sort of great life I have in the future. Listen to these people, they are very wise and caring.

[barbielovesmac]

So here I am again. Another day...

 

I THINK it's getting easier. But I am still left with so many questions.

 

I sleep at night and I don't cry AT ALL. That's good enough for me!

 

Do I miss him? I'm loney.

 

I called him 'Babe.' He called me Babe, how can I ever call another man my babe?

 

It's those stupid thoughts that consume my mind.

[Hope75]

So here I am again. Another day...

 

I THINK it's getting easier. But I am still left with so many questions.

 

I sleep at night and I don't cry AT ALL. That's good enough for me!

 

Do I miss him? I'm loney.

 

I called him 'Babe.' He called me Babe, how can I ever call another man my babe?

 

It's those stupid thoughts that consume my mind.

 

No relationship will ever be the same and comparing them or expecting them to be similar or the same is the kiss of death.

 

Write a list of all the things this guy did that made you cry, disrespected you, was abusive towards you. Read it when you feel this way. You are glamorizing this relationship and wondering how you will get along without it.

 

Think about the hours that you spent crying and stressing and chasing him and wondering what he was up to. Not trusting him, having him tell you who you can and can't hang out with, snooping through his computer, waiting for him to call.

 

That is not a healthy relationship. Instead of asking how you could live without it, ask why you would ever live in it.

 

It's over.

 

It's time to focus on you.

 

[barbielovesmac]

You are right Hope.

 

I think I cried more tears then I ever laughed.

 

As I was writing a PM just now ... I was writing all the things that I am going to miss and for the first time ... I got the urge to cry.

 

I know that I need to STOP thinking of those things. But it's hard . . . hard to think about doing all those same things with another man ... simple things like holding another hand ....... all those simple little things . . . . it's what truly breaks me down.

 

I can't think that way . . . and it's weird because up until JUST NOW i haven't been thinking that way.

[ghost69]

didn't you do all those things before him with another guy? i have no idea why this guy has gotten you so broken up. you dated a year right? that's not THAT long. and he turned out to be a dirtbag. what more do you need? dirtbag should be enough. he's a liar. that should cut off all emotion for this tool.

[barbielovesmac]

i've never gotten so close to any other man. i've never called another guy 'babe.' this relationship has felt more 'real' then any other. and now it's well, over.

 

if i ever hear babe . . . i'll probably lose it. and i won't ever be able to call another man babe . . . how do people do it?!

[Hope75]

Time to put a thick rubber band on your wrist. Every time you catch yourself obsessing you say loudly "STOP" and snap the rubber band.

 

The more time you waste obsessing over him and him being with someone else (who will no doubt cry and worry and follow him and police him) the more time you will waste until you start focusing on what's important- healing yourself and moving away from this total dysfunction.

 

You have been following a cycle for as long as you have been with him. It goes like this: you love him and feel happy. He does something lousy to betray you, destroy your trust, hurt you, and you get angry. You blow up. He either ignores you for a while or apologizes. You start to feel bad. You start to miss him and want those 'good' moments back. You cry. You take him back. He knows he got away with it and he will continue to do so. The cycle repeats.

 

Until you SNAP and stop allowing it to repeat, you will be like a hamster running on the same stationary wheel.

 

Don't you want to get off and actually go somewhere?

[barbielovesmac]

well, how do people do it? i don't get it.

 

how can you go from one relationship. then heal. then go to the next ... and not think about all the other stuff from your past relationship? HOW?! how can you do ALL the things that you did with the ex with someone NEW? how can you call someone new babe ... when thats what you used to call the ex?!

 

and you can't say that you won't do the same things. beacuse you will. you will hold hands ... kiss ... cuddle ... cook ... vacation ... grocery shop .... watch movies .... call each other BABE. . .

 

HOW?!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Because time really does heal all wounds... and eventually that person just becomes a part of your past... and you move on.

 

Trust me, when i ended things with my ex fiance ... we used to call each other babe... etc.. and like you, i thought i would NEVER be able to say that to someone else - i felt like it had so much meaning with him.... but... i have called other men baby, babe, honey ...and when i was with them .. it had meaning for THEM... and .. you just move past it..

 

dont be surprised if in the future you look back on your relationship with your ex and wonder "if" you really loved him or ... begin to realize that what you felt may not even have been love...

 

this is all so fresh for you - give yourself sometime...focus on ..this hour, this minute...this second...and no further then that... otherwise you will drive yourself crazy.

[Hope75]

well, how do people do it? i don't get it.

 

how can you go from one relationship. then heal. then go to the next ... and not think about all the other stuff from your past relationship? HOW?! how can you do ALL the things that you did with the ex with someone NEW? how can you call someone new babe ... when thats what you used to call the ex?!

 

and you can't say that you won't do the same things. beacuse you will. you will hold hands ... kiss ... cuddle ... cook ... vacation ... grocery shop .... watch movies .... call each other BABE. . .

 

HOW?!

 

You spend enough time on your own in between to get healthy and to stop obsessing over the ex. You get counseling to learn how not to repeat the same dysfunctional pattern. You get comfortable in your own skin. You learn to like being single and feel comfortable. You learn that a man should add to your life, not define it. You learn that you don't die being single or without your ex. You learn that good things happen without your ex and you begin to feel good about that. You learn to respect yourself and understand what you want and deserve from a relationship and learn how to stand up for yourself if you don't get that.

 

Then, you meet someone new. You are healthy now, and you recognize that this is a new person, a new relationship, and has nothing to do with your past relationship. You start with new rules, new hopes, new promises, new self respect. You don't compare everything with the new guy to the old one, because he's long since been history. Every kiss, date, meal, cute little habit, it's all new again.

 

Do I do the same things with my fiance that I did with other long term boyfriends that I loved? Sure. But do I think about those old boyfriends every time we go to a movie, or to dinner, or have sex, or call each other a pet name? Nope. That's in the past. My fiance isn't them. Heck, I'm not even the same person I was when I was with them. I've learned something and taken some thing from each relationship that has helped to shape me today, but I recognize that's a new day, a new relationship, a new man, and I like that much better.

 

Just about everyone in this world does this at least a few times, most more than that until they figure it out and meet the right person. If you think about it almost every relationship you will have will end in failure until you get it right. We survive. We all do.

[ghost69]

well, how do people do it? i don't get it.

 

how can you go from one relationship. then heal. then go to the next ... and not think about all the other stuff from your past relationship? HOW?! how can you do ALL the things that you did with the ex with someone NEW? how can you call someone new babe ... when thats what you used to call the ex?!

 

and you can't say that you won't do the same things. beacuse you will. you will hold hands ... kiss ... cuddle ... cook ... vacation ... grocery shop .... watch movies .... call each other BABE. . .

 

HOW?!

 

you might want to seek a professional counselor barbie. i think you might be going off the deep end with this one. i'm a bit concerned that you are being too drastic. ilt does get better. people move on. they trust other people again. they call each other 'babe' again and such. how did you feel with the breakup before him? same feelings? how did you get so attached to this guy? cause you lived together?

[Hope75]

you might want to seek a professional counselor barbie. i think you might be going off the deep end with this one. i'm a bit concerned that you are being too drastic. ilt does get better. people move on. they trust other people again. they call each other 'babe' again and such. how did you feel with the breakup before him? same feelings? how did you get so attached to this guy? cause you lived together?

 

You can live with someone and still recover and move on. I've done it. Twice. Married couples who divorce go through it.

 

I do think Barbie would benefit from counseling to help her learn how not to repeat the same dysfunctional pattern over and over again.

[barbielovesmac]

how did you feel with the breakup before him? same feelings? how did you get so attached to this guy? cause you lived together?

 

my last breakup ... i wanted it over. it was completely unhealthy as well. not only was he emotionally and verbally abusive but he was also physical a few times. it was MY choice to end things. i walked away from him. i don't think i loved him.

 

i have no idea how i got so attatched to him. i was attatched to him BEFORE we even lived together and i think living together only made it WORSE. but how did i get so attatched? well, it was REAL to me. the love that i felt was REAL. for the first time in my life i was in REAL LOVE.

 

i don't know.

[Hope75]

my last breakup ... i wanted it over. it was completely unhealthy as well. not only was he emotionally and verbally abusive but he was also physical a few times. it was MY choice to end things. i walked away from him. i don't think i loved him.

 

i have no idea how i got so attatched to him. i was attatched to him BEFORE we even lived together and i think living together only made it WORSE. but how did i get so attatched? well, it was REAL to me. the love that i felt was REAL. for the first time in my life i was in REAL LOVE.

 

i don't know.

 

Remember, real loves does not involve lies, deception, disrespect, or abuse.

 

This relationship seemed more about obsession and addiction to the drama of a dysfunctional cycle than about love.

 

I'm sure it was very exciting with all the ups and downs., but definitely not healthy.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Yea living together with someone and then breakin up is tough.

You get used to having them around and they become even more a part of your life.

You'll make it barbie.

I know you must have made it thru other past break ups. (Not saying that makes it easier.. just that you have done it before.. )

[barbielovesmac]

Remember, real loves does not involve lies, deception, disrespect, or abuse.

 

This relationship seemed more about obsession and addiction to the drama of a dysfunctional cycle than about love.

 

I'm sure it was very exciting with all the ups and downs., but definitely not healthy.

 

it was REAL to me. maybe not to him, but to me it was. you're right ... maybe it wasn't love ... just an obsession.

 

this is my second 'real' break up. just him and the other guy. that's it. im taking this HARD. i don't think i even cried over my last 'real' breakup with the other guy . . . .

[barbielovesmac]

I've been talking to my sister who lives out of state. We've been writing back and forth through e-mails about my breakup. Well, she just wrote me something that really hit home. Here is what she wrote. . .

 

"The problem with love is that it doesn't always work out the way it's "supposed" to OR the way we "think" it's supposed to and in your case it didn't turn out how you thought you wanted it to. For all the joy it provides, it can also play us for fools, ESPECIALLY when it convinces us that we've found the "right person," only to disappoint us later. Love is strong, but it is NOT undestructible. He has rejected you. Rejection may activate regions of the brain that control addiction, which is why it can be hard to quit someone even after that person has quit you. You grew angry and needy because of his lies. So it pused him farther away, which caused him to lie even more and even worse. This all accelerated your breakup. You don't see it now, but this WILL help you. . . because nature CAN be decieved and perhaps you two were wrong for eachother ALL along? You have to look at things in a different light. But basically you were in that feel good, life is perfect, romantic "In Love" phase. You thought HE was responsible for making you feel good all the time, but really its your brain that made YOU feel good. He was just a phase in your life. You will move on from him and you will see. You deserve better then this. Personally, I think he is a loser. He will never find anyone close to you again, so let him try.

You don't know how good something is until it's gone and he may not see it NOW, but he will. "

 

*My sister is amazing, what do you guys think?

 

She is spot on and its amazing how similar it is to everything everyone else has said.

[JadedStar]

I think your sister provided you with a strong and sound message....

 

Many have said something similar through out the 48 pages here....it is good to see it is now starting to sink in barbie.

 

I think several of us likenend this relationship to an addiction to a drug many times, not sure if on this thread but on others. It very much IS like an addiction you keep going back for more despite knowing it's bad for you.

 

They say it takes a month to break a habit/routine. AFter a month of doing other things and concentrating on other activities you will find he occupies your mind less and less.