jchovan Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 My fiance and I have dated for 4 1/2 years and are getting married in March. Lately, he's been so mushy that it's a little unnerving! (He's from a very affectionate family and I'm from a "hands off".) This might sound petty because I'm sure most women are complaining of the opposite, but it's getting to be too much! Marathon hugs, blowing air kisses, laying his head on my shoulder like a love-sick puppy dog. It's starting to erode my feelings toward him because it feels more like a mother-son relationship instead of husband-wife. Which is NOT a good way to start a marriage! How can I tell his to dial it back a little without bruising his ego? Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Id be straight up with him in this situation. Tell him how it makes you feel. There are good books out there to help him understand that his actions may be less than ideal. Link to comment
jchovan Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 You mean like saying, "Stop acting like a needy little boy?" J/K I agree that I need to say something, I'm just struggling with how to word it without emasculating him. It doesn't help that I'm 10 years older than him. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 You mean like saying, "Stop acting like a needy little boy?" J/K I agree that I need to say something, I'm just struggling with how to word it without emasculating him. It doesn't help that I'm 10 years older than him. You could say that. I mean that is how he is acting. But maybe a less direct approach to start off with. Link to comment
jchovan Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 (I wouldn't really say that - I was trying to be funny)... I do recognize that part of the problem is mine - this doesn't feel "normal" to me because of how I grew up. I'm just looking for the "magic" words to say that won't feel like criticism. Link to comment
jettison Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 My fiance and I have dated for 4 1/2 years and are getting married in March. Lately, he's been so mushy that it's a little unnerving! (He's from a very affectionate family and I'm from a "hands off".) This might sound petty because I'm sure most women are complaining of the opposite, but it's getting to be too much! Marathon hugs, blowing air kisses, laying his head on my shoulder like a love-sick puppy dog. It's starting to erode my feelings toward him because it feels more like a mother-son relationship instead of husband-wife. Which is NOT a good way to start a marriage! How can I tell his to dial it back a little without bruising his ego? Don't make a big production out of it. Don't make him feel like you just put him on an episode of Intervention. The more short and crass you are about it, the easier it will actually be for him to take. Say, "Dude, too much mushy. Lay off. You know my family, and you know I can't deal with this stuff. Save the blowing kisses and all that for Valentine's Day." DO NOT look thoughtfully in his eyes, speak very softely, hold his hand, or do anything that would actually be mirroring what it is about him that you don't care for right now. Link to comment
anggrace Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Yikes, this is a tough one. For some people, like myself, being able to show affection is an outlet. Something I crave and need. Thats not to say Im constantly hanging all over my SO, but Im getting that he isn't doing that either. You just prefer a more "hands off" realtionship, right? There is no right or wrong about this, in my opinion, but I don't think anyone should be asked to give up this from of self expression. I think resentment would build. That doesn't mean I don't think you should talk to him about it, Im sure he would appreciate knowing what you are feeling, especially before it gets much worse. Mabey he has a solution that I just can't think of. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 (I wouldn't really say that - I was trying to be funny)... I do recognize that part of the problem is mine - this doesn't feel "normal" to me because of how I grew up. I'm just looking for the "magic" words to say that won't feel like criticism. Just tell him that it doesnt make you feel special or good or however you want to word it. I mean hes acting like a child which kinda puts you in the position of mother. Not exactly a equal relationship when this goes on. Link to comment
jchovan Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 Good answer! Sure beats running out of the room screaming, "I can't take it any more. You're smoothering me!" (which is the feeling I've been squelching)! Link to comment
jchovan Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 (I was referring to "jettison" when I said good answer.) But "anggrace" has a valid point. Because this is the kind of guy he is. And I don't believe that trying to change someone is a good idea. I didn't really mean "hands off" ALWAYS, I just meant less often. You know, if he would still play a little hard to get, maybe? Link to comment
anggrace Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I think saying excactly that is a good idea. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 My fiance and I have dated for 4 1/2 years and are getting married in March. Lately, he's been so mushy that it's a little unnerving! (He's from a very affectionate family and I'm from a "hands off".) This might sound petty because I'm sure most women are complaining of the opposite, but it's getting to be too much! Marathon hugs, blowing air kisses, laying his head on my shoulder like a love-sick puppy dog. It's starting to erode my feelings toward him because it feels more like a mother-son relationship instead of husband-wife. Which is NOT a good way to start a marriage! How can I tell his to dial it back a little without bruising his ego? Physical affection is one thing, but I agree, this would be rather annoying. Just tell him that you come from a family which was not big on showy displays of affection so it is not something you are comfortable with and could it go back to the level it was before (not sure when you noticed the change). Make it clear, however, that your feelings for him are as strong as ever, you just need the displays of affection toned down. Link to comment
grendel Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Tough one, in my relationship that is how he is and nothing is going to change it. I do feel a little odd sometimes about the whole mother/son thing. My husband didn't have a mother growing up so I fill that role in some way and he admits it. We are a couple of weirdos and have accepted we are not going to have a "normal" relationship. It's OK for men not to always be so "manly", it's largely a societal construct that says they have to be that way. It sounds like your guy had a very different family situation than mine ("a very affectionate family") though so probably the direct approach that jettison mentioned would be a good idea in your case. Not so in mine My guy never got the affection before and now he is addicted to it. Link to comment
jchovan Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 I wish I could get past the "not so manly" business, but it sort of gives me the creeps. It is important to me for us to be equals. I was in a previous relationship where I ended up walking all over a "nice guy" and lost all respect for him. I try to talk myself out of feeling annoyed, but it's not working. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I wish I could get past the "not so manly" business, but it sort of gives me the creeps. It is important to me for us to be equals. I was in a previous relationship where I ended up walking all over a "nice guy" and lost all respect for him. I try to talk myself out of feeling annoyed, but it's not working. There a good book that may help him if your interested in picking it up for him or recommending it to him. Link to comment
jchovan Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 Are you referring to "Tyranny of Niceness: Unmasking the Need for Approval" by Evelyn Sommers? I did link to your previous thread and put this book on my Amazon wish list because it does sound interesting. He is not a full-blown Nice Guy, but I may very well read this book just for the education. But again, I do realize that my reaction is MY problem, not his. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Are you referring to "Tyranny of Niceness: Unmasking the Need for Approval" by Evelyn Sommers? I did link to your previous thread and put this book on my Amazon wish list because it does sound interesting. He is not a full-blown Nice Guy, but I may very well read this book just for the education. But again, I do realize that my reaction is MY problem, not his. No but that is a good start. The book I would recommend is No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Its specifically aimed at men and although the title sounds a bit daunting its actually a really good read and goes over things that can help a man realize his full potential. Something that might benefit you. Hes acting this way for some reason. Somehow he has figured that its a postive thing to act like this. When really it is a bit childlike. Link to comment
jchovan Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 His parents went through an ugly divorce when he was 9 and for years, pitted him as a go-between. So he has had years of practice trying to placate and please. Link to comment
PreciousPrincess Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 The Five Languages of Love is a very good book by Gary Chapman...it talks about the way people express love for one another. Your fiance sounds like physical touch is his so to reject his expression of affection is basically rejecting him. Marriage is about compromise. You can set limits on his display but I hope you take the time to find out why he does it and then seek to meet his need for affection in another way. He needs his needs met just as you do so I hope you take the time to find a compromise rather than just pushing him away. Link to comment
jchovan Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 I hear you, precousprincess. That is crux of my hesitation - I don't want to push him away and feel wounded. Link to comment
jchovan Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 I've considered the puppy! Too funny!! Link to comment
PreciousPrincess Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Oh one more tip of advice...talk to him about it when he's not acting clingy.....like when you are accross the table or something. To ask tell him when he's cuddled up to you is bad timing imo. And well, maybe ask yourself what really bothers you about his behavior.....I mean, you can only control your response to it not him. Just two more cents for ya Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 His parents went through an ugly divorce when he was 9 and for years, pitted him as a go-between. So he has had years of practice trying to placate and please. No More Mr Nice Guy deals with this behaviour. You sound like a great girl whos very up front about the issue at hand. I can see you being supportive of him in this time. Link to comment
jchovan Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 I am grateful for all your opinions. Even though there are slight variances in the advice - at least you've made me feel like I'm not totally crazy! I intend to check into 2 books: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by R. Rlover and "Anxious to Please" by J. Rapson and see if I think he would identify with either of them. Thanks again. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 you aren't going to talk with him until you read some books? i think you need to bring this up before it drives you nuts. Link to comment
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