Open Relationship

[ghost69]

look jsx, since you singled me out, i'll respond to you. i would never do an open relationship. why? i just believe in monagomy (spelling, im tired). bad? no, but my choice. so i do disagree with her lifestyle. that is a different thread though. but thanks for butchering my response.

 

so anyways, what i'm trying to point out here is that she is hiding this 'guy' from her 'bf' cause deep down she is morally challenged about this relationship being right for her. sure, she is cool with him and his girl, probably cause she wants him to be happy. okay. no biggie. but when the situation finally arises with her, she might not feel it's right. you dig?

[jsx730]

ERROR: This thread has suffered an ignorance OVERLOAD.

 

Please shut down and reboot immediately!

 

But seriously, people are responding to this thread with opinions based on their assumptions of open relationships, not based on what rosephase has presented in her post.

[ycmanvs]

I have many friends who are poly and they have very successful relationships. The key is to have boundaries that are very CLEAR and to be honest with eachother as far as how you feel and what you want.

You should not lie to your boyfriend, but at the same time there is no need to report to him what you are doing every second of every day.

If both of you agree to date other people and both of you are fine with the arrangement, then there is nothing wrong with what you are doing.

[jsx730]

Sorry ghost, I just get a little jumpy when assumptions come into play, thats all. My fault.

[rosephase]

Yes there is some great support in Seattle. We are pretty active in the community I have some really great support from them. I've been pretty actively looking for an on-line community as well because I want to see how other communities handle things. If I had thought it all the way thru I might not have posted here, I forget sometimes how much negative ideas there are out there about poly.

[Jayar]

jsx, read jayars response and you will see she has the same idea as ghost. I agree. When I read the post it sounded like she was only in that specific situation because she had no real choice in the matter.

 

Of course, we cold all three be wrong. That is just what I got out of it when I read it.

 

OP, the fact that you hide some details, no matter how minute they are, says that there is an uncomfortable element to the relationship. If that is the case, I think you need to re-analyze your current situation and really see if you are in-fact cut out for an open relationship.

 

In subsequent posts, the OP has made clear that she's happy with this type of relationship. While I don't understand it (and thereforeeee should probably never fall in love with someone who wants an open relationship, haha) I can appreciate everyones' uniqueness. I wish the OP the best. I don't feel like I can answer based on the fact that I DO have a monogamous mindset, and so my natural inclination is to try and "find the problem" with someone who is happy being in a Poly relationship.

 

So I'll retract my comments now, because everything I posted was based on the assumption that you cannot POSSIBLY be happy in such an arrangement.

[KAT MOMMY]

ERROR: This thread has suffered an ignorance OVERLOAD.

 

Please shut down and reboot immediately!

 

But seriously, people are responding to this thread with opinions based on their assumptions of open relationships, not based on what rosephase has presented in her post.

 

SO--an open realtionship mean what???!!!! That both parties can choose to see other people, met other people, sleep with other people, go to places singles go, do things as a couple or separate, talk on the phone with other people, and then still have the benefits of having someone to tell you that they love you and to still be able to wake up next to your bow??? Please correct me if I am wrong,. and of course you can have threesomes whenever too right. Does this mean that when she is out of the house he can bring other females in the house to screw them too?

 

It is 2007-that was back in the 90's when life was not as complex as it is today/

[jsx730]

Yea, thats pretty much how it works.

 

But just because we allow each other to have sex with others, doesn't mean we both run around boinking like rabbits with strangers.

[KAT MOMMY]

Polyamory (from Greek πολυ (poly, literally “multiple” and Latin amor (literally “love” ) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships.

 

The term polyamory is sometimes abbreviated to poly, especially as a form of self-description, and is sometimes described as consensual and/or responsible non-monogamy.

 

Polyamory is usually taken as a description of a lifestyle or relational choice and philosophy, rather than of individuals' actual relationship status at a given moment. It is an umbrella term that covers many orientations and modes of relationship. There is fluidity in its definition to accommodate the different shades of meaning which might be covered. Polyamorous relationships are themselves varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals concerned.

 

 

***the thing that is so funny about it is that people live this way day in and day out but this is America and different standards, morals, and viewpoints apply to every person. I don't see how you can be satisfied with the situation

[ycmanvs]

Yes there is some great support in Seattle. We are pretty active in the community I have some really great support from them. I've been pretty actively looking for an on-line community as well because I want to see how other communities handle things. If I had thought it all the way thru I might not have posted here, I forget sometimes how much negative ideas there are out there about poly.

 

I suppose you can try to start a thread here where you only talk to people who understand your situation and who will not judge you. However, I find that often when people do not understand something, they try to dismiss it as being wrong, instead of actually answering your concerns.

There are many poly communities. I will try to find some links for you.

[jsx730]

I don't see how you can be satisfied with the situation

 

Then we agree, you're ignorant to the situation.

[keenan]

ERROR: This thread has suffered an ignorance OVERLOAD.

 

Please shut down and reboot immediately!

 

But seriously, people are responding to this thread with opinions based on their assumptions of open relationships, not based on what rosephase has presented in her post.

 

Wow, no kidding! I know of a Poly triad who have been together for 5+ years and are very happy, and very committed to each other and to personal growth. They're professionals and are discreet about their relationship, presumably because people confuse Polyamory with an 'infidelity' or 'lack of commitment' type situation--and frankly I bet it's just not worth the hassle to try to explain it again and again!

 

I'm impressed by people who are able to do this well--it seems to require--at least in the beginning--a lot more conscious thought about who we are and about what it means to be in a relationship, and also maybe more 'head work' that requires awareness, introspection and vulnerability. That may be tough, and not the choice that 95+% of people on ENA would make, but it surely can't be only a bad thing!

 

I don't have any advice to give, rosephase, but just some support. Thanks for posting.

[KAT MOMMY]

Then we agree, you're ignorant to the situation.

 

No sug-I understand what it means and why people do this but I do not understand how it can be satisfying..... It's evident that she is not at all satisfied witht the situation or else the questions she asked would not be an issue---ya dig????

 

Oh and Please watch what you say to me----

[jsx730]

You need to read more carefully. It's not evident that she is unsatisfied with this relationship. In fact, its the exact opposite.

 

I wasn't trying to insult you by saying you're ignorant to the situation. The definition of ignorant is "without understanding or knowledge." You don't have the understanding to fully comprehend her situation. Take a play out of Jayar's book:

 

I don't feel like I can answer based on the fact that I DO have a monogamous mindset, and so my natural inclination is to try and "find the problem" with someone who is happy being in a Poly relationship.

 

So I'll retract my comments now, because everything I posted was based on the assumption that you cannot POSSIBLY be happy in such an arrangement.

[rosephase]

No sug-I understand what it means and why people do this but I do not understand how it can be satisfying..... It's evident that she is not at all satisfied witht the situation or else the questions she asked would not be an issue---ya dig????

 

Oh and Please watch what you say to me----

I'm completely happy with the situation. The poly part anyway. The question was about something I was doing in the situation that confused me. I didn't say or imply that I wasn't happy.

[FreedomRing]

Not trying to judge you rose...I will be the first to admit that I'm green on this subject...I do not fully understand the dynamics of a poly relationships or wants/goals/desires ppl could have regarding a poly relationship...I'm more so curious overall...that's it...at the end of hte day...do what you do..

[KAT MOMMY]

I'm completely happy with the situation. The poly part anyway. The question was about something I was doing in the situation that confused me. I didn't say or imply that I wasn't happy.

 

If you were happy then you wouldn't have to ??? if you should tell you guy about the other guy-oh I got the idea and I understand the deal indeed.

 

But whateva floats your boat-it's your world!!

[Eire1]

I've never experienced this kind of lifestyle in my personal life and I doubt I'd be able to handle it, personally. But from a practical standpoint you can see how it might actually make more sense than a monogamous relationship.

 

People are WIRED to be attracted to and want to have sex with a lot of different people. Everyone, male and female, have these urges that they struggle with all the time. They constantly meet attractive people of the opposite sex and have urges that they don't act upon, etc...

 

You see so many failed monogamous relationships (over 50% end in divorce). Often it's because of cheating. You see MANY sexless marriages. They start out passionate and after 4-5 years the sex life becomes nearly non-existent. But their commitment and love for one another may still be strong. Unfortunately their cultural programming has led each to believe that they can't allow one another to quench their sexual appetite outside the relationship, but instead one is usually required to be forced into celibacy, because the other is no longer interested. It's a major sacrifice.

 

IF people could break out of their culturally programmed mindset and try to view relationships a bit differently I just wonder if the divorce rate would drop? If couples in general would be happier together?

 

Like I said, due to my own culturally programmed mindset I don't think I could handle it, but I certainly wouldn't judge a couple who live under this arrangement and find that it works well for them.

[keenan]

I’m doing my best to be open and honest with EVERYTHING but I still find myself hiding things.

Any thoughts on why I might be doing this and how to be better about it?

 

I wonder if this is a divided loyalties issue. It's a weird human thing, but when we meet somebody we want to form a bond with, we tend to circle the wagons a little bit and exclude others as a way of demonstrating loyalty (and maybe actually creating a deeper loyalty more quickly) to the people on the inside.

 

As a simple and annoying example, think about junior high--one of the easiest ways for two girls to solidify their friendship is (unfortunately) to say mean things about other girls, so as to strengthen the new alliance. Even as adults we tend tofeel that we're really 'in' with somebody when we can share secrets about not liking others. (And hopefully we try to resist this!)

 

But it's not limited to pairs--it seems to be broader: Friendships, families, religions, hobbyists, loyalty to sports teams loyalty to country, whatnot--humans are excellent at doing an 'us against the world' thing very naturally, whether it's healthy or not.

 

So, maybe what you are sorting through right now is your desire to have some shared experiences with the new guy that are just for the two of you, and not privy to outside eyes. On the other hand, you place a high value on complete honesty and transparency, so you're careful to tell your long-term partner everything real and important about your new relationship. It may be that the part of you that wants to increase the strength of the new relationship is demanding SOME kind of secrecy, so you fulfill that need by fibbing about little, inconsequential things. That way you still get some privacy, but it doesn't really hurt anyone. It's like the 'shape' of loyalty, but not the content.

 

It's awesome that you figured out that you're doing this, by the way. The question is whether you stop it altogether or whether you decide that having some privacy is what you need, and work that out with all parties.

[Catatonic]

I just read a book, Stranger in a Strange Land, it seemed to have polyamory elements in the second half of the book. I admit, I raised my eyebrow when I read through those parts because I don't really understand it. So maybe some people can enlighten me on this.

 

Basically, it's like a communal relationship? You share everything (belongings, income, sexual & emotional ties, etc) with everyone? Or do you have primary people you're involved with but are free to go and have other relationships but don't share these other relationships with others. As in your new boyfriend and your old boyfriend don't have a relationship with each other but they know about each other?

 

What happens when you have a child? Do you decide who gets to have children or it's just when it happens, it happens? Who gets to marry or do all of you stay single? What if someone wants to leave, do they get their share of things (like alimony, etc)?

[colors]

KM, I'm sure you're a very nice person, but this can't possibly be helpful to the OP. It's clear that you don't support her lifestyle, and that's A-OK! We all have our opinions. But to continue to post about her immorality is not constructive, and it's disrespectful. If your goal is to "save her soul" or whatnot, berating her and others for their choices may not be the most effective way of helping her see your point of view. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

 

Can we steer the thread back to the OP's original question?

 

I fully agree.

And honestly Kat, I believe in the bible too. And I don't recall Jesus calling the prostiutes immoral wicked foul & corrupt. And telling them how wrong thier lifestyle is.....infact he was loving & welcoming. He showed God's love to them.

 

p.s please don't think I'm comparing this situation or the poster to a prositute. Because I don't think she is at all...Far from it.

I'm just giving an example of how Jesus treated someone who's lifestyle is what one others may not approve of.

[ycmanvs]

What is happening to this thread?

Anyway, to the OP:

I think that things are going very well in your relationship and that it is normal to question how much you should divulge about one relationship to the other partner. As I said before, there is no need to give out every detail of every interaction you have with each partner, as long as you are honest about the feelings that you have for each.

[Catatonic]

I agree that people experience sexual attraction to many people that may be due to the desire to pass their genes. But the problem is that human babies require a lot of time, energy, and resources. I can see where an open relationship might work if not every woman in the group has a baby so the adults' resources are not largely split between many babies, but then the problem lies with who gets to have one and who doesn't.

[Eire1]

I agree that people experience sexual attraction to many people that may be due to the desire to pass their genes. But the problem is that human babies require a lot of time, energy, and resources. I can see where an open relationship might work if not every woman in the group has a baby so the adults' resources are not largely split between many babies, but then the problem lies with who gets to have one and who doesn't.

Good point. It gets messy when the children come into the picture.

 

However, assuming it wasn't a group type of scenario - maybe just a couple who has an open relationship, I guess birth control would have to be required. But I agree if the male found out his wife ended up bearing another man's child that might have serious implications on the relationship as far as his resources, and being a father to the child is concerned.

[jsx730]

But they kinda got me bent out of shape with trying to justify it-as if it was alright.

 

WHO ARE YOU TO SAY IT'S NOT ALRIGHT?

 

The OP's question wasn't "Am I happy in this relationship? Is it moral? Should I leave it?"

 

I'm 100% cool with you disagreeing with me.

 

I'm 100% cool with you telling me you think it's wrong.

 

But what I'm not cool with is you coming in here and acting like your bible is law and I have to follow it as such, and acting like there is no debating it.

 

You've provided no help to the OP thereforeeee your place in this thread is invalid.