Open Relationship

[JadedStar]

A counselor would probably have asked you the same exact question(s).

[Eire1]

I posted because I wanted some insight into why I was feeling the urge to hid little things from my partner.

From your first post I think you stated that your boyfriend has been seeing a girl for a year and that you JUST started to see a new guy.

 

Maybe you're feeling the urge to hide little things because, despite the fact your boyfriend has been engaged in seeing others, you're really just doing it yourself for the first time. Perhaps you're having to reprogram your way of thinking about extramarital relations. You were brought up to believe that extramarital relationships would hurt your spouse so you're very careful about letting go of those deep seated convictions that have been instilled in you from an early age. You feel like you're doing something wrong (from a lifetime of societal programming) when in this alternative lifestyle you're not doing anything wrong.

[jsx730]

That is exactly why my girlfriend had the same experience as rose. She's been programmed that it's wrong to be with anyone else but your SO, so she feels guilty, even though she's doing nothing wrong.

[ycmanvs]

I posted because I wanted some insight into why I was feeling the urge to hid little things from my partner. I don't mind speculation as to why that might be if fact that is why I posted I do mind the assumption that my relationship isn't working or that my life style isn't maintainable, or I'm a bad person for my choices so if that is all you feel about then you should stop posting because it's not helpful.

 

I think that it is normal for people, even in monogamous relationships, to keep certain things private. You spoke about such details as whether or not you rode in a car or motorcycle. Perhaps the element of danger(the motorcycle) is what you wanted to keep private, so that your boyfriend does not worry about you. Or maybe, subconsciously, you did not want him to feel bad that he could not participate in that activity and share the experience with you.

 

The answer to why can only come from you. I can speculate, but only you know how you feel....As long as the primary relationship is going well, then there is no need to worry too much.

[Eire1]

As for the Oprah segment, I wonder if the husband isn't just super insecure...i mean how many confident people are going to ask their spouse if they want to get out and experiment with other people? And then lo and behold she actually DOES go out and experiment with someone else? Whoa. I'd be out there door so fast it woudln't have time to hit me in the behind.

This is the point I was trying to make. That's why I wanted to know if the guy was having extramarital relationships. Because if he isn't then something is being left unsaid here. Guys don't just extend an invitation to their wives to have sex with other men unless there is an underlying motivation:

 

- Perhaps the guy can't sexually fullfill his wife and he senses he may lose her because of it. This insecurity may have pushed him to proactively allow her to experiment sexually outside of their relationship.

 

- Perhaps the guy has a cuckold fetish and gets great pleasure out of hearing about/seeing his wife's extramarital activities.

 

I'd be curious to know what the driver in that cuckold relationship was all about.

[tiredofvampires]

Just curious, did the husband have flings/"friends with benefits" on the side as well? If not, did the husband sense he couldn't fullfill his wife sexually?

 

No, the husband didn't have anyone he had that relationship with on the side, but he said the agreement was that he could, if he wished to. Oprah did ask him if their arrangement went "both ways", and he said he is free to do so, but he just hasn't found someone yet that fills the bill, and he's not looking for it. If it just came along organically, he would, but it hasn't yet. And they both said they sex life together was great, very satisfying -- the wife said she was just satisfied with him and would have been happy the traditional way, until the topic was broached about her being curious, and then she gave it some thought. So it evolved from there. But together, they had no problems in the bedroom. This was more like just the permission to enjoy a peripheral loving connection.

 

Also, btw, the wife's "boyfriend" apparently had a steady partner, too, as a primary relationship that has long term goals. This woman also being aware of the arrangement. I think this kind of thing would be very, very rare to find -- parties on all sides that are in agreement, and it's cool with all of them. But it seemed to be working, because no one was lying to anyone, there was no inequality or anyone feeling like "second best." A rarity, I'm sure...and I'm not sure something being rare is a reason to write it off as a bad idea for someone to try, but one should know that a lot of factors have to be in place, like this situation.

[JadedStar]

Yeah, I believe the guy in the Oprah segment was in a cuckold situtation, because that is not your average situation.

[tiredofvampires]

Well of course it's not your average situation, but I honestly think if you'd seen it, you'd be able to tell that he is no cuckold. He spoke with great conviction and aplomb about his participation in her decision to do this, and it was clear they were of one mind, trading comments back and forth.

 

I can also see where if I married a virgin, I would truly wonder if my partner wondered what it was like with others. I wouldn't go out and encourage them to give it a whirl, but I am sure at some point I would ask them if they ever wondered. I can see myself doing that (which he did, which started the whole thing.)

[Liberty1963]

This is more an explanation for Sabreen81. I did an open relationship for 8 years and it was great. For us, (and every couple does it differently and does what works for them) it was about variety. I like roast lamb but I dont want to eat it every night for the rest of my life and just because I choose to eat steak and salad tonight doesnt mean I like roast lamb any less.

 

Also we had clear rules about preserving our relationship over any others. No other girl/boyfriends were allowed. It was simply sex outside the relationship, not dating and when we came home from being with someone else we would always touch base with each other and reaffirm that it was just sex and our primary focus was our relationship and our love for each other.

 

Hope that helps.

Cheers, Liberty

[tiredofvampires]

Hi Liberty,

 

Just wondering, if it was so good, why did you stop after 8 years? Or are you no longer in that relationship, if I may ask?

[Eire1]

Well of course it's not your average situation, but I honestly think if you'd seen it, you'd be able to tell that he is no cuckold. He spoke with great conviction and aplomb about his participation in her decision to do this, and it was clear they were of one mind, trading comments back and forth.

 

I can also see where if I married a virgin, I would truly wonder if my partner wondered what it was like with others. I wouldn't go out and encourage them to give it a whirl, but I am sure at some point I would ask them if they ever wondered. I can see myself doing that (which he did, which started the whole thing.)

I understand what you're saying. I just wonder if maybe the couple didn't leave some stuff out that might embarrass the husband. Like maybe there's an underlying reason (small penis, premature ejaculation, etc..) that made him consider her needs and what she might be sacrificing. Or, perhaps he didn't feel comfortable telling the audience that he has a fetish for the cuckold lifestyle where he gets off on the idea that his wifes sleeps with others.

 

This wasn't a one-off occurrence for experimentation purposes. She's having sex with this other guy on a regular basis and the husband isn't doing the same. It just sounds like we're not getting the whole story from that couple...

[JadedStar]

I understand what you're saying. I just wonder if maybe the couple didn't leave some stuff out that might embarrass the husband. Like maybe there's an underlying reason (small penis, premature ejaculation, etc..) that made him consider her needs and what she might be sacrificing. Or, perhaps he didn't feel comfortable telling the audience that he has a fetish for the cuckold lifestyle where he gets off on the idea that his wife * * * * s others.

 

This wasn't a one-off occurrence for experimentation purposes. She's having sex with this other guy on a regular basis and the husband isn't doing the same. It just sounds like we're not getting the whole story from that couple...

 

I agree Eire1.

 

And I don't buy a lot of the things we see on these talk shows. You see people talking on a topic or about something in their lives wtih such conviction and they seem so together then you hear about them shooting their neighbor or something a few months later.

 

And sadly, some people do it for the perks. Hey hon, i know i am sick of you sleeping with that guy all the time but maybe we can get some fame, free plane tix and a nice hotel room if we play it up for Ms. Oprah.

 

I don't put a lot of faith or trust into people who air their dirty laundry on these talk shows. Most of them are full of themselves to begin with.

 

Just because Oprah is far more credible than Springer doesn't mean everyone she interviews is legit. Remember that author whose book she praised and had so much faith in what he said and come to find out he was a huge liar?