Open Relationship

[rosephase]

Hi all I’ve been reading this forum for a while and I haven’t seen anyone talking about open relationships. My boyfriend and I are open relationship we have been living together for two years and he has been dating our friend for about a year. It hasn’t been easy but all in all I think it’s been well worth the effort.

I just started seeing a new guy and I’m trying my best to go slow and afford my boyfriend the same respect and love he gave to me when he was starting his relationship with his girlfriend, I’m doing my best to be open and honest with EVERYTHING but I still find myself hiding things. It’s strange not even things I think he would have a problem with just things, like riding home with him on his motorcycle instead of in his car. Strange right?

Any thoughts on why I might be doing this and how to be better about it?

[angeliamce]

Do you have sex w/your live in boyfriend? Does his girlfriend of a year- know about your relationship? This new guy does he know? I am just interested. The reason you feel strange is because your nature may not be as suited to an open relationship as you think- so, the reason you are hiding things- may be because you think it is wrong. Motorcycle instead of car- maybe you think your livin guy will think you're being unsafe..I don't know.

 

Someone on this site porbably has a much better answer- your post just caught my attention. Have a good day!

[FreedomRing]

Hey Rose,

 

Thanks for sharing...gotta say..I'm very intrigued and confused with your situation. Please elaborate on how your relationship works, with you both dating other people...yet living together? Do you bring other dates over to the house, with your partner there? Does 'open relationship' mean you share partners? threesomes?

 

I'm also curious as to why you would have one exclusive partner in a sense--enough to call each other bf/gf...yet still want to date others...for what? What needs are not being filled by your current bf...? Whose idea was it initially? Don't you worry about diseases..?

 

sooo many questions...

[WillyD]

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I still believe an open relationship is that much harder for a reason. I've never seen one end well... ever. Even the most secure people get unnerved as things develop with their S.O's relationship(s). I kind of feel like having 2nd partners etc is just the easy way out in finding ways to make up for any relationship flaws you have with your original S.O. That being said if it works for you good luck.

[jsx730]

I too am in an open relationship with my girlfriend. Communication is key, I've found. Being honest with each other about your feelings is very important. My girlfriend has been seeing one of our friends for a few months now. She tells me EVERYTHING. The intent of having an open relation for us was to have our relationship, but supplement it with outside sexual relationships. Her relationship with our friend has evolved a bit past "just sex", and she's be honest with me about it the whole time, so it's worked itself out. If she had hidden her feelings from me, I think it would have ended up causing problems.

 

I would suggest that you try to avoid telling little lies, so that it doesn't become habit and cause problems later on down the road.

[Jayar]

Yeah, I've only ever seen "open relationships" work when the COUPLE doesn't allow their external relationships go beyond the most basic level. In essense, you're doing it "wrong." Now, I realize that there is no right or wrong, and it's up to the individuals involved, but there ARE certain ways things tend to work, and certain ways things don't. I know of no relationships like yours that have ever worked. I do know of a few like I mentioned, where there's a couple, and then external partners, but they don't have "relationships" with the external partners.

 

I too am curious what you each are missing in your relationship with one another, that is satisfied by relationships with others. And of course, if you're both interested in other people, where is your relationship headed?

[Maverick32x]

I guess I'm super ignorant in this area... but I guess I don't see the point of being with someone if you don't want to be with them exclusively..... And if you are filling the voids in the relationship with someone else, instead of addressing the issues that you are lacking in.. how are you ever going to be in a "real" relationship with that person?

 

The coping method developed is simply to replace the problems with other people.. so in essense you are just using diffrent people to accomplish some sort of feeling of a complete relationship, instead of looking for one person to fullfil your needs, and for you to fullfil their needs...

 

Clearly this is something that I could never do haha, but maybe it works out for other people??

[shes2smart]

rosephase, I think you're going to find that most folks on this website are more the monogamous-type....but (as you probably already know) that's the case in the offline world, too.

 

My suggestion would be for you to see if you can dig up some informational websites about Polyamory. It's maybe a step further than the open relationship you describe, but Polys deal with some of the same issues.

 

For those who are going "what the heck is Polyamory?" It's basically a relationship that involves more than 2 partners....where all the partners have a relationship with all the other partners. I've seen people try to justify cheating by claiming it's polyamory, but that's not the case. In a poly group, each partner is aware of every other partner's existence and each partner has a relationship with every other partner. I know a gal who is part of a Poly triad and has been for over 2 years now. She and her bf & gf (who are husband and wife) seem quite happy.

 

You might also find some helpful advice on informational swingers' websites as well. Most swingers are practicing a type of open relationship, after all.

 

Ultimately, though, something you're going to have to figure out is if this type of alternative relationship is right for you. These configurations other than strict monogamy can and do work for some people, and they can and do work for some people at some points in their life and in some specific situations...but not at other times in their lives or in different sitautions. If you are having a lot of difficulty dealing with the situation, it may be time to evaluate if that kind of relationship is still what you want. Over time, it's not uncommon for our needs/wants to change.

[Batya33]

Partly out of curiosity but partly because it affects my response - did both of you mutually agree and come up with the open relationship idea (both the idea and the "rules) - and if so, is that still true today?

[ghost69]

doesn't sound like he cares about you much. it's like one of those emotionless relationships and only based on sex. i wouldn't go as far as having lack of some morals, but you definitely don't care about yourself when the person you are with doesn't care to be strictly with you and you are okay with that.

[jsx730]

doesn't sound like he cares about you much. it's like one of those emotionless relationships and only based on sex. i wouldn't go as far as having lack of some morals, but you definitely don't care about yourself when the person you are with doesn't care to be strictly with you and you are okay with that.

 

How, exactly, did you pick that out of her post?

[Jayar]

My boyfriend and I are open relationship we have been living together for two years and he has been dating our friend for about a year. It hasn’t been easy but all in all I think it’s been well worth the effort.

 

To me, this part reads like "I really wanted an exclusive relationship, but he wasn't ready to commit so we decided to try this. It has been difficult and painful at times, but all in all I still get to sleep beside him at night, so I suppose that's better than the alternative of not having him at all."

 

If the above is the case, then perhaps you should consider that you do NOT have him (you have him superficially, but you don't have his heart) and that the even better alternative is to find someone who wants to be with you and only you, and won't put you through the pain of also dating your friends.

[ghost69]

How, exactly, did you pick that out of her post?

 

she is in an open relationship and she is talking about how she has a new guy she is seeing and her 'bf' has a gf of a year. didn't you read the same thing i did?

[jsx730]

And that relates to her relationship being a sham how?

 

I mean, if the OP comes on here and says "Well, I just agreed to it because I wanted to make him happy..." then I suppose I could see why you'd think that.

 

But as far as we've been told, she's an equally willing half of an open relationship.

[colors]

I’m doing my best to be open and honest with EVERYTHING but I still find myself hiding things. It’s strange not even things I think he would have a problem with just things, like riding home with him on his motorcycle instead of in his car. Strange right?

Any thoughts on why I might be doing this and how to be better about it?

 

I think you're hiding things for one of two reasons.

either you feel you're doing something wrong. Meaning, perhaps part of you is commited to your live in, so you feel as though you're 'cheating' in a sense (even though it's an open relationship so you aren't) but yet you feel you're doing wrong & which could be why you feel the need to hide things & lie.

 

Or perhaps you're lying because sub consciously it's a way to hurt him because he's hurt you.

 

I'm not going to touch on the open relationship area because it seems the other poster have...but can I ask off topic, just curious for myself (pm me if you're more comfortable that way) - do you ever feel like you want more? commitment? or is it strickly about fun & compainship. do you ever wonder what you're working towards in this relationship & the out side relationships (such as his gf of a year)?

[ghost69]

i just think open relationships are selfless and you don't care about yourself. just the way i see it. i wasn't bashing her. if you read again i said it's cool if you want to be this way.

 

but i'm getting at morally she feels this isn't right to do. hence why she hides it. something deep inside is hinting at it.

[rosephase]

Okay that was bit more of a coal mine then I thought it was going to be. Yes we are Poly I wasn’t sure if I could just put out the term and people would know what it was. The reason I’m asking on this site is because there aren’t a lot of resources out there for us just yet.

Yes we both agreed to it. We where both in an open relationship when we met, we commutate all the time about it. We have rules and guidelines.

As for why we do it, I can try and explain but basically if you don’t understand and it sounds awful to you it’s just not for you.

I don’t think our relationship is lacking anything just because we seek other people to share our life with. Sexually as well as emotionally. Sex is a good thing and make people happy why not share it with people if you can find a way to do it that doesn’t hurt any one.

We are open with each other and don’t get evolved with people who are not open with there other partners.

We use safer sex practices and only have unprotected sex with each other. But yes there are defiantly chances of getting STD’s and we both get screened on a regular basis and encourage our other partner and there partner to do the same.

I know this isn’t true with all people who are poly but I believe that being challenged in your relationship is a good thing. To have to rise to the occasion and grow as a person. And part of that for me is not being selfish about how I share my partner. And being forced to deal with my insecurities has done wonders for my confidence and self love.

Poly isn’t for everyone. But it is for me.

 

Thanks jsx730 I know your right. Complete transparency is the way to go and I usually very good at it. That’s why I was surprised by this.

[jsx730]

i just think open relationships are selfless and you don't care about yourself. just the way i see it. i wasn't bashing her. if you read again i said it's cool if you want to be this way.

 

but i'm getting at morally she feels this isn't right to do. hence why she hides it. something deep inside is hinting at it.

 

You say it's cool if you want to be that way...

 

but if you are you must be morally corrupt and in a bad relationship.

 

But it's cool if you want to be that way! Really!

[colors]

thank you rosephase, that totally did answer my questions. No it doesn't sound awful to me at all, I've done it in my past for a number of years, but those questions I asked began to circled in my head towards the last year of it.....than I felt it was time for a change for me (well more so found the one for me & now married & hes not into sharing...lol). So I was just curious if those questions where in every open relationship persons' head or just mine (:

I'm glad this is working for you. as far as the lying, I'm still wondering if it's a subconscious thing, but the only way to fix it is to keep working at being honest with everything with him, be transparent.

[jsx730]

Rosephase,

 

It's good to see that you have your head on straight about this all. I think you make alot of good points. As you said, the confidence boost that comes with conquering your insecurities is huge. Both myself and my girlfriend have had the same effect.

 

As far as why you find yourself acting the way you have been, maybe it's just your inner will wanting to emotionally pad your boyfriend as much as possible? As if you wanted to make it easier on him by downplaying your other partners? I guess I'd just be really selective on when you choose to change details around from the truth.

[rosephase]

Wow okay I just read some more posts. And I feel like I want to make some stuff clear. I don’t feel like my relationship with my boyfriends lacks commitment. I think if you live in a monogamous mind frame you might not understand that. But he is moving accross the country with me and we are planning on spending the rest of our lives together. I’m incredibly happy with him and I don’t feel like having sex and only loving one person for the rest of your life is the ONLY way to show commitment. Do you?

Any way I have a lot of respect for myself and I don’t think it’s very fair to assume that I don’t just because I’m in an open relationship and my boyfriend loves me very much and I don’t think it’s fair to say he doesn’t because he loves someone else to.

I have no problem answering any question you might have, but if you just think I’m dumb or bad please don’t waist your time writing about it now.

Thanks.

[shes2smart]

Your profile says Seattle. I would think in a city of that size there's got to be a Poly support/social group...at least one. Are you guys part of such a group? Have you tried to find something like that?

 

When my first kink relationship hit the skids, the only people I could really talk to about it were other kinky people. People (even friends I had known for years) who weren't in the lifestyle couldn't really relate. The people I knew from the BDSM support/social groups got it...and it was that group that I went to for support during that break up.

 

 

Edited to add:

 

In a Poly support/social group there's bound to be people there who have been in this lifestyle longer than you. Befriend them, and they can be an excellent source of advice and support for you, since odds are good that they've dealt with something simliar.

[sddeaston]

jsx, read jayars response and you will see she has the same idea as ghost. I agree. When I read the post it sounded like she was only in that specific situation because she had no real choice in the matter.

 

Of course, we cold all three be wrong. That is just what I got out of it when I read it.

 

OP, the fact that you hide some details, no matter how minute they are, says that there is an uncomfortable element to the relationship. If that is the case, I think you need to re-analyze your current situation and really see if you are in-fact cut out for an open relationship.

 

You might find that your ideals and morals don't really allow for you to be in that situation. It would not be the first time I heard of someone who was so smitten with their SO that they accepted the relationship completely on the others terms, their emotions aside.

 

It's ok if you can't hack it, I know I couldn't. I am aware you might not want to hear all of this, but is your happiness really something that you will compromise simply for the sake of a relationship?

[KAT MOMMY]

Ok, first and foremost there are always teo sides to the story. I am a very open minded female and most of the time I can see alternatives to any situation that comes my way-and as for yours-I can understand the term "poly" but at the end of the day things are not at all what you see them to be.

 

As for your guy he is totally disrespecting you and all that you stand for. Threesomes is another sitution and although it may be corrupt it is something that I think everyone thrives to experience. I have been in several situations where we both agreed not to date one another exclusive and by all means it works. But as far as living together deal is concerned-that is so not a go. Then with the dating of "our" friend-not cool. You know he's doing him and you know that the are "together as a couple" but meanwhile you settle for something so superficial??? He doesn't want to committ to you for what reason>>he is living with you I suppose and if so does he help pay your bills???? I can't understand why you are allowing this dude to totally DOG you out/ what's up mama? Is the sex that good???? You say that you two use protection but just HOW do you KNOW that he isn't sleeping unprotected with his g/f??? It is evident that he cares for her and I am not saying that he doesn't care for you but the way the situation is flowing he is saying to you that "you are not good enough" to be his lady---can't you see that?? Mama read between the lines and let it do what it do....CUT HIM ASAP!!!

 

Now you are questioning if you should tell him about your new guy-HECK NO!!! For what? and to be honest with you do you think he tells you every girl that he mets, dates, or sleep withs?? Sorry if you think he would-the way the realtionship is he doesn't have to answer or for that matter confess everything he does--why-benefits of an open relationship---this is how females contract the virus, become single parents, and victims of domestic abuse. You don't need that in the long run-you don't deserve to be treated this way by any man walking the face of this earth-you dig. Women Rule and you can have it your way. Stop letting him have his cake, his ice cream, and then he eats it too. Do you understand where I am coming from.

 

Please Rose do not take offense because none was intended. Just think about the things I am saying to you and understand that love doesn't love nobody. I been up, I've been down, I've had friendships/relationships that were worthless and others that were heaven sent. But with life, comes lessons and the way you handle the aftermath is what matters the most. Feel free to PM if you wanna talk OK?

 

Warm Regards

[KAT MOMMY]

PS-I feel as if this guy is blocking you from receiving your blessings. You may stumble upon the right one for you but how can you spot him when ole boy got you and your life on smash?