Is it time for me to break it off? - Advice please!

[soon2be]

I've been seeing this guy for almost three months (met the last week of August). In the beginning, we both agreed that we would take our time and be friends because he just got a divorce in February of this year and I recently separated from my husband (moved out over a month ago).

 

Soooo, when we first met, everything was GREAT!! He called me evernight, we text messaged each other TONS of times everyday (he would even send me a "good morning" text everyday as soon as he woke up) and he gave me a lot of attention that I really enjoyed.

 

All of the attention and great communication went on for a solid month (I would say all of September and most of October) then I noticed that he wasn't as attentive as before (didn't text as much, stopped calling me evernight). I had sex with him after two weeks of knowing him, so I think maybe that had something to do with it...or maybe not. Anyhow, I noticed that he started pulling back somewhat, and it started bothering me.

 

About two weeks ago I told him that I had feelings for him, then all of a sudden, it went from not hearing from him as much to him dissappearing on me for four days straight!! I tried calling him, he wouldn't answer, sent him text messages asking him why he won't talk to me...still no answer. He finally came around and said that I scared him by telling him that I had feelings, and he apologized and said he should have handled it better. He also said that he had feelings for me too, and we should let things develop on their own instead of trying to put a "label" on us.

 

Sooooo, we started back talking, and everything has been fine (except that I still don't get the phone calls every night like how it used to be during the first month).

 

Well...what's leading me to ask for advice is because we spent time together last Thursday at his place (had sex) and Friday night - the next day (two days ago) I sent him a text msg asking him a question then he never responded until the next day (Saturday afternoon, yesterday) and that's all I heard from him - I never called or sent him a txt after that.

 

I'm upset that he ignored me Friday night, yes, he could have been out with friends but the "old" him would have replied right away. I just don't see things getting any better and I told him that I do want a relationship, he said he wants the same thing too but he's not "acting" like it. There are more details that I could give but this is pretty much everything in a nutshell that's making me feel this way. Oh yeah one more thing, we've never even been out on a date yet...that's another thing that makes me upset. We were going to go to the movies last weekend but he finally made up his mind around 8:00 at night and I couldn't get ready in time. All of our "spending time" together has been at his place and having sex.

 

Should I just move on and be done with him? I keep wanting him to be the way he was when we first met...he seems like a totally different person now. Thanks.

[princess_summer_blue84]

Girl I know how u feel. My so called bf did the same mess with me and still hasn't contacted me . Yes hon, I would just say move on and leave him where he is standing. It's obvious to me that he isn't interested in u anymore. Yes, the sex is the main reason why he is ignoring u . Never sleep with a man that u just met. ( take it from a women who has been there) . Wait until u really get to know them like 6-8 months to a year. Then if things are going great then and if u still have those feelings for one another then u can have all the fun and enjoyable sex. Ok? Make this be a learning experience to remember. Good Luck hon. Hope things works out!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i'm sorry but it souds like he really doesn't want a girlfriend right now. more like he wants a friends with benefits situation, or worse, a booty call situation where it is mainly about him getting sex for very little effort.

 

even the little texts he sent you everyday aren't really about creating a relationship where you spend time together, go out date, make plans, plans for the future, holidays, etc., the normal things people do when they date. it's more like he fires off a 'placeholder' everyday to keep you on the hook, but if he only sees you at his place for sex, that is primarily what he is interested in.

 

he could be pulling back becuase he sees you are now wanting more than he does and he doesn't want to give it, or there's always a chance that he is dating other women, and is onto a new one now that is taking more of his time.

 

so really, unless he shows more interest in dating you, spending time with you OUT of bed, you will have to assume he is using you to get his sexual needs met, and not interested in a girlfriend. If you have talked to him and he is saying things like 'let's not put a label on it', he doesn't want you to have the label of being his girlfriend, because without the 'label' his options are more open. if your relationship is undefined, then he can do whatever he wants with no accountability to you.

[soon2be]

That's what I was thinking, but just needed some confirmation. At first, I thought that maybe I'm making a big deal out of things but I definitely agree with you as far as his reasoning of not wanting to put a "label" on us. I can't take anymore of it, I want to be done.

 

So in this case, since we're not officially "together", should I still let him know that I don't want to deal with him or this situation anymore? Or just let it die out and don't call anymore or reply to his texts/phone calls? I personally would want someone to let me know, but this guy may not even care one way or the other and I don't want to make myself look like an idiott. :sad:

[soon2be]

Girl I know how u feel. My so called bf did the same mess with me and still hasn't contacted me . Yes hon, I would just say move on and leave him where he is standing. It's obvious to me that he isn't interested in u anymore. Yes, the sex is the main reason why he is ignoring u . Never sleep with a man that u just met. ( take it from a women who has been there) . Wait until u really get to know them like 6-8 months to a year. Then if things are going great then and if u still have those feelings for one another then u can have all the fun and enjoyable sex. Ok? Make this be a learning experience to remember. Good Luck hon. Hope things works out!

 

Thanks! This sucks, and yes it's a lesson learned. This is actually the first guy that I've ever slept with so soon (usually, before I was married and was dating I made a guy wait at least three months). My feelings are hurt but there's no turning back at this point. I want a relationship and not to be a booty call or friend with benefits.

[arwen]

All of our "spending time" together has been at his place and having sex.

 

I don't get the impression that this guy is looking for a relationship. I think that this can be very painful if you want more than that- please break it off before he breaks your heart, hun.

 

Arwen

[arwen]

Thanks! This sucks, and yes it's a lesson learned. This is actually the first guy that I've ever slept with so soon (usually, before I was married and was dating I made a guy wait at least three months). My feelings are hurt but there's no turning back at this point. I want a relationship and not to be a booty call or friend with benefits.

 

I am happy that you've come to this conclusion yourself. Maybe a short text is sufficient, just saying that you enjoyed getting to know him but that it ends here. Be the bigger person, he's obviously too immature for you!

 

Arwen

[soon2be]

I don't get the impression that this guy is looking for a relationship. I think that this can be very painful if you want more than that- please break it off before he breaks your heart, hun.

 

Arwen

 

I am...should I tell him or just let it die out? This guy seems to just be into himself and not the "touchy feely" type. I'm the type of person that likes to have closure and understanding on things...I would want the same reciprocated to me if someone didn't want to deal with me anymore but this situation is different...

[soon2be]

I am happy that you've come to this conclusion yourself. Maybe a short text is sufficient, just saying that you enjoyed getting to know him but that it ends here. Be the bigger person, he's obviously too immature for you!

 

Arwen

 

Ok...I just may do that!

[annie24]

Agree, sounds like he isn't looking for a real relationship, he may still not be ready to be serious after his divorce. I read some interesting statistic saying that men come out better after a divorce financially, but women come out better emotionally (due to usually having a big support network of friends).

 

Christian Carter has written some stuff about what to do when he starts getting distant. You may want to google him and see what he has to say on the subject.

 

Anyways, sorry things went downhill. take care.

 

PS - And yes, the lack of real "dates" was worrying. not a good sign.

[winkie]

I think out of all people you should know this is not working. I also think that maybe you are upset because you just recently cam eout of a marriage and so did he. I am not sure if your feelings from your previous have went into this and vice versa with him.

However, if he is not bringing you out on a date then you should not be with him. Find someone that appreciates you and wants to go places with you. It is important to know that he may have been texting you because he was displacing his feelings from his ex to you. He may have realized and stopped texting you as much and pulled away.

I am sure he cares about you but he may be screwed up from his previous relationship.....how did that end?

It is really hurtful when feelings are given to you and then taken away with no reason.

Go about your business and see what happens and stop having sex with him!!!!!! Unless you don't care and you have needs. Sometimes people treat sex as a connection while the other person may just view it as sex. "Be careful because no one is looking out for your heart but yourself"

 

[Batya33]

I agree with Annie and also think it is a mistake to think that someone who lavishes attention on you and goes as the speed of light is "not the person I thought he was" when that stops. That kind of behavior can be done by anyone for a month or two - it doesn't have any relevance to "who he is" as far as character and integrity. If instead you approach it with "cool, this is flattering and in about 6 to 9 months I will know him much better as a person - right now I barely know him" then if it "changes" you won't think that "he" changed just that that was his behavior during the "pursuit" period.

 

This is why I'm a little wary of the speed of light/texts every 5 minutes/sweep off feet beginnings. I prefer the getting to know someone at a reasonable pace over time which ironically speeds up the "getting to know the real him" process when you take away the eager beaver stuff. Waiting to have sex also helps that process I find.

[soon2be]

Hi Winkie! Thanks for the advice, and yes...by now we should have gone on a date. He never planned anything out days beforehand, the one time that we WERE going to go it was an hour's notification and I wasn't ready in enough time (last weekend).

 

As far as how his last marriage ended, he said that she spent up way too much of their money, didn't cook or work, and he just grew tired of providing and not being taken care of, so he filed for a divorce which was finalized in Feb this year (although he moved out last summer in August).

 

Although I've recently moved out, I feel that I'm ready for a relationship now. I've felt so distant emotionally from my husband and we stopped having sex for a while, and I miss having that emotional intimacy and connection.

 

I am going to let him be. I haven't decided yet whether or not I'm going to send a text to end it or wait for him to come around and let him know then that he doesn't have to worry about contacting me anymore.

[soon2be]

Going forward I'm going to be very wary of men that lavish all of this "attention" in the beginning and not get too caught up in that. I took that as thinking that this is "him" and not taking the time out (as you've said, at least six months) to REALLY get to know the real "him". And I like how you've put his behavior at the beginning as the "pursuit" period...ah well, you live and learn!

[Eastend_Chic]

I am going to let him be. I haven't decided yet whether or not I'm going to send a text to end it or wait for him to come around and let him know then that he doesn't have to worry about contacting me anymore.

 

Seriously let him be and dont contact him. He's been ignoring all your other texts anyway. If he doesnt decide to contact you, I'd say you should continue to ignore his calls then too.

[winkie]

See that is where your mistake is...if you choose to move on watch who you are with and if you are looking for a connection and intimacy you need to take it slow....there are idiots out there who only look for one thing. Make sure they are sincere and don't put your whole heart in right away (BABYSTEPS). I am going through marital problems as we speak and everyone says you should go on dates...but I just want to be alone right now. But if you say you are ready, just guard your heart a little. I know you said you had not had sex in a while with your ex but that does not mean you are emotionally over him. Just be careful!!

 

[dd]

soon 2 be, When he calls you to get together, I think you should tell him that this is not working out because you're looking for something more.

 

I had a two and a half year booty call relationship. At first I didn't mind because i wasn't looking for a serious relationship with him until we started to get together more often.

 

He told me the same thing that he didn't want to put a label on our relationship and that if I found someone he would understand.

 

He still chases me, but for the same thing and I refuse to get together. Even though I want to, I haven't had sex in a while. LOL...

 

Don't settle for what he says because things will not improve.

[Eastend_Chic]

No she shouldnt tell him that dd as she alreayd made it clear that she wliked him and wanted a relationship and that's when he started avoiding her.

 

She should ignore his calls the same way he's been avoiding hers

[soon2be]

soon 2 be, When he calls you to get together, I think you should tell him that this is not working out because you're looking for something more.

 

I had a two and a half year booty call relationship. At first I didn't mind because i wasn't looking for a serious relationship with him until we started to get together more often.

 

He told me the same thing that he didn't want to put a label on our relationship and that if I found someone he would understand.

 

He still chases me, but for the same thing and I refuse to get together. Even though I want to, I haven't had sex in a while. LOL...

 

Don't settle for what he says because things will not improve.

 

Wow, 2 and a half year bc relationship! Yeah, I think it's the same deal here...it probably won't change that's why I'm like EFF this! He still hasn't called or texted (well, it's only noon here) but by now he would have said something. I think he knows he was guilty for ignoring me Friday night so now he's going to play off of my vibe - ya know, wait for me to make the first move to see where my head is at.

 

But I won't settle...it's a wrap!

[soon2be]

No she shouldnt tell him that dd as she alreayd made it clear that she wliked him and wanted a relationship and that's when he started avoiding her.

 

She should ignore his calls the same way he's been avoiding hers

 

It's clear that we're both avoiding each other now. The "old" me would come chasing after him asking if everything is ok...I haven't heard from you...yadda yadda and he would say "yes baby, everything is fine, I miss you"...blah blah. I'm so sick of this crap!