Filed for divorce but still wavering over decision....

[floridagirlal]

Quick background...married 11 years, together for 17 total. We have 3 beautiful daughters, ages 10, 9, 4. I hate to break up their family.

 

I want the divorce but I'm still struggling with the fact that I'll be missing the familiarity and comfortable relationship that I have with him. I've never been alone and he is all that I've ever known in terms of real relationships.

 

He's controlled me and ignored me and I've become what I would liken to a dog that rolls over when his master is angry with him. There is no partnership in our marriage. He calls ALL of the shots even though I'm a very gainfully employed woman. He has ignored my needs and wants to the point that I'm harboring so much resentment that I don't even know how to let go of it.

 

He doesn't want the divorce and pulls the pity card everytime we discuss it. He says he won't be able to afford a place to live if he has to pay me child support, etc.

 

I get very sad when I think about our lives because all I've ever wanted was to be respected and taken care of. Instead, I've had to hold the steady job and had to go to work while he stayed home with the kids because he couldn't find a job that was "good enough" for him.

 

I want this divorce to save myself from emotional death....if it's not already too late.

 

Anyone else experience such a rollercoaster of emotion?

[Beec]

It seems to me as if he was unwilling to address any of the probllems you feel are in your marriage. if he is unwilling to do so, then your choices are simple: endure as things are; or leave. Even if you endure, they may get worse.

 

The question I would have is what happens if in 6 months he wants to try to work thigns out.

[heartbrokenFloridiot]

When I went through my divorce my ex knew how to use every pity, guilt, shame, and every other type of emotional card ever invented.

 

Be prepared. This is not going to be easy. If this is what you want then take a deep breath and prepare to be strong because you are going to need all of your strength. If he is like my ex, he will try every way he can think of to hurt you. Don't let yourself fall for his manipulations.

 

I wish you the best.

[surfjon]

I defer to John B. here.

Solid theory on what is true.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Great advice.

[Minky]

Floridagirl, I posted a very similar thread a while back - 'petition issued but I'm wavering'. If you have time, read through my posts and you will see there are alot of similarities to our situations. I'm further down the line from you - by about two to three months. I still have days when I feel doubts, mainly based on my worry about HIM, not me. You will get past this but be prepared for a few ups and downs. I was doing great for a while and then suddenly crashed into a pit of depression, self doubt and worry...and suddenly I'm back out of it again. But at the heart of it all is the knowledge that if I didn't do this now, I would be doing it in five years...ten years...at some point, the marriage would inevitably end. Better sooner rather than later.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it is the saddest thing when a marriage blows up, and incredibly stressful because you have to make decisions that change all areas of your life and the lives of your children.

 

and it is easy to get 'stuck' where you don't make any decisions, just staying in a situation you hate and not doing anything and worrying about it endlessly.

 

so when you are waffling, it is usually because ALL the possibilities and outcomes are swimming around in your brain, and it is confusing and heightens the stress and doesn't get you any closer to solving the problem or making a decision.

 

so i would advise that you sit down and write down each of the alternatives you could choose (stay vs. go). then the subalternatives (i.e., stay and he refuses to work on marriage or get job, stay and he agrees to counseling).

 

then start writing down the things that you would have to do to accomplish each. (e.g., if you go, you will need to talk to a lawyer to find out what you need to do, redo your budget to address the split finances, possibly sell a house or move, find a counselor to help your children thru the split etc.).

 

Then write the positives of each alternative, and the negatives of each.

 

Then write down what you could do to reduce the negatives or solve the problems for each alternativevs (e.g., children will be really upset, find a family counselor. need to sell house, find a realtor and get estimates for what it will sell for. find out how much money it would take to rent or buy a new place to live, or for your husband to live).

 

so you want to try to shift yourself from the mulling/waffling frame of mind to the planning state of mind. you also need to break the situation down into manageable steps that don't overwhelm you, then examine each step separately and plan out how you intend to accomplish it if you decide to go in that direction.

 

i think if you spend some serious time doing this, and work out all the possibilities and alternatives, it will become clearer to you which direction you should proceed in. then you can start tackling the little steps one at a time, rather than being overwhelmed by the whole.

 

sometimes when you are going through a process like this, you start to really see what is the ONLY direction that feels acceptable to you (e.g., for the alternative of staying, you may see that there is no way he will attend counseling, and you can't find a solution for the fact that he refuses to work, hence, that is not acceptable to you, so time to move on).

 

i think that your circumstances will become more apparent as you sit done and PLAN rather than just mull and stress, and that can be what you need to stop sitting the fence and take action on your life, one way or another.

[John Bendix]

Wow,

 

First, if you have objections to the byline that appears at the bottom of my posts, I suggest you take that issue up with enotalone. I do not put it there, they do. They accept my creditials as a professional. If you do not, that is your prerogative.

 

My posts are for anyone that wants to read them. They are merely observations and not offered as psychiatric help or analysis as you have alluded to.

 

I have deleted the post that has been directed to you. I have also deleted all of my posts to enotalone. If there is even one question of impropriety on my part raised by anyone, I choose not to be involved.

Who needs this kind of drama?

 

My best to everyone.

[kamurj]

Lastly, enotalone is a platform for supporting one another, not marketing a book. WR

 

Please don't worry about this whiterabbit. We give professionals, published authors special accounts and in fact we ask them to post. The least we can do for them is to have their work mentioned and recognized. We are always very happy to see John and other authors and experts posting here.