Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

who knows what'll happen..

 

maybe she is thinking of breaking it off with him. work on yourself and be the best that you can be so if she does come back your better able to decide if thats what you really want, because your feeling so great about yourself!

[WlknCntrdiction]

I had to sign up to this site just to say Thank you to Zorba, what you have been saying throughout this thread is pure, just pure genius, for lack of a better word.

 

I'm not exactly the most confident guy out there but I vowed to change all that when I went on holiday last summer to Barbados for 6 weeks, I worked out, I gained confidence(thanks to David DeAngelo)and I came back and thought nothing could stop me, and then I met my(now)ex girlfriend which threw me for six. She was my first girlfriend too(I'm 19), she was 16(now 17).

 

Suffice to say I was confident(and pretty arrogant now I look back)at the start but I soon succumbed to neediness and we broke up, she wasn't sure whether she loved me or not, I chased her, harassed her, begged her to have me back(I guess I hated the idea of being alone), this went on for a total of 5 times(breaking up and me begging her to get back together), then the 6th time she had had enough and told me in no uncertain terms that she didn't want to be with me and we broke up on the 30th April. Again I begged her to come back to me but she was having none of it so I had to accept that it was over. It was hard at first, every day seemed like an age and it hurt a lot, I couldn't put into words how I felt without her in my life. At the end of the same week that we broke up I found out that she was now going out with one of my friends, a good friend as well, suffice to say he's no longer a friend of mine because "friends" wouldn't do that to one another.

 

A month passed until we spoke again, I spoke to her on msn first because I wanted to talk to her, I told her I was sorry for hurting her and assuming things and just thinking I always had to "fix" things, when we broke up I always thought I had to "fix" how she felt about me, when not only doing that was impossible but was also incredibly insensitive of me. And I guess I wasn't as confident as I first thought I was, I thought bad things about almost daily, that she was with me for other reasons other than she loved me for who I was(I'm not exactly the most handsome guy but she was and still is stunning), I always thought there had to be something she wanted, money, or anything physical, etc. I wasn't a great boyfriend to her and I accept what I did to her, I broke her heart, she told me she was crying for days after breaking up with me because she couldn't believe I could be like this to her and I hated myself for hurting her. I told her I loved her still and she didn't know how to react to that.

 

Moving on to the beginning of June(June 2nd to be precise)she was unresponsive when we were talking the night before and I(stupidly)made a gigantic assumption that her and my friend had broken up already, she told me they hadn't and things were said, the "boyfriend" even threatened me too and she told me to never contact her again. I thought she would almost certainly delete me from msn and I prepared myself for a life without her, but then about a week after that "confrontation" she came online, I didn't talk to her though but it made me slightly happy.

 

Then one day around the middle of the month I woke up and I felt almost limitless energy coursing through my body, I had stopped constantly thinking of my ex and I knew that I didn't need her in my life to be happy, I could make myself happy and that's what matters most. Since then whenever she's come online I don't get that feeling I used to, the feeling of anticipation(Will she or will she not talk to me tonight), I honestly didn't care, I still cared about her of course but I was indifferent to the outcome of whether she chose to speak to me or not and it felt great to finally be in control of myself again. Since then I've just been doing my own thing, I've started working out again and am now pretty huge, and after only 3 weeks training(seems my training in Barbados didn't go to waste), been going out with my friends more, just enjoying my life with other people in it and enjoying my own company. I don't need her.

 

I still care about her and I guess if I'm completely honest with myself I do still love her but I know not to dwell on those emotions, to jump to conclusions or to speak to her, the ball is in my court now. If she couldn't find happiness with me then I would hope she could find happiness with someone else(except him because he's a * * * * and he's a rebound guy)even if it's not me. I would hope someone can make her happy. I know now though that if we did get back together that I wouldn't make the same stupid mistakes a second time. My confidence levels have risen ten fold, and they're not just temporary this time, they're permanent until the day I die.

 

I think we will probably get back together and that makes me happy, I don't have any "moments" where I feel sad either or anything like that, I'm in control of my own being and my life, no one else is but me. She told me I was the first person she ever truly loved, well now she has to prove that. I'm not finished growing up yet but I know what it was that was wrong with our relationship, and if we don't get back together then I will at least be able to take my new found wisdom into my next(of hopefully many)relationships.

 

I haven't talked to her since she came back on msn and I don't intend to until she talks to me.

 

What do you think Zorba? Or anyone for that matter?

 

P.S. Sorry for the long story, I thought it necessary to understand where I'm coming from, I know that if I didn't include some of the things I said that I could come off as abit of a * * * * myself.

[DJC]

To be 'completely out of the picture' would that includ removing from MSN and Facebook/MySpace?

 

I'm still having trouble deciding. I have removed her from my MSN but she is ever on anyway. But in regards to Facebook I don't know whether to remove her because if I keep her then I will stay slightly in the picture, but the picture will be of me moving on. If I remove her then it could be seen as a hateful act or as "I don't want anything to do with you" basically, but it also means that she won't be able to know anything about me anymore (which could be a good or bad thing as I have explained)

 

What should I do?

[WlknCntrdiction]

To be 'completely out of the picture' would that includ removing from MSN and Facebook/MySpace?

 

I'm still having trouble deciding. I have removed her from my MSN but she is ever on anyway. But in regards to Facebook I don't know whether to remove her because if I keep her then I will stay slightly in the picture, but the picture will be of me moving on. If I remove her then it could be seen as a hateful act or as "I don't want anything to do with you" basically, but it also means that she won't be able to know anything about me anymore (which could be a good or bad thing as I have explained)

 

What should I do?

 

To be honest(using what little experience I have as a guide)I would have left her on MSN and leave her on Facebook/MySpace. If you delete her from them then it only shows that you can't cope with her there in your life, even if it's only on the outskirts. Just don't chat to her over these mediums, if anything if you don't chat to her and just keep doing NC then she will wonder whats happening and will message you instead first.

That's what I kind of think is happening with my ex, she has me on MSN still but I haven't deleted her, and vice versa, but what makes me intrigued is that she has deleted and blocked all her other exes, what makes me so special I wonder?

Of course though I'm not too fussed about it though, at least she has a way to contact me if she wants to talk and she still has my number, but like I said in my previous post she has to talk to me first, I'm not going to speak to her unless spoken to.

 

EDIT: Gotta love Old Boy, great film

[DJC]

Hm yeah I think I'm going to leave her added for a while and if nothing happens in many many months most likely just remove her. Thank you for your help.

 

And yes Old Boy is an amazing film

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

WlknContrdiction

you sound like your doing great! I think your hunch is right, when this other relationship goes pear shaped you very well might hear from her!

 

DJC

Leave her on if its not hurting your heart. It leaves an avenue for her to contact you sometime when enough time has elapsed that you can do friends...

[mryukk]

had kind of a feeling today about her.... sent her a quick email just saying,

hi, something made me think of you today and i just wanted to say hi, so hi. hope everything is goin well with you and (son). have a good one.

 

i still feel very connected to this girl. it's there. i am a very spiritual person, and i also have pretty good insight on relationships and people in general. i know she initially got scared, my exwife did me no favors though. the dude was a soft landing spot for her, but a mutual aquantaince told me yesterday that he is basically an emotional preditor. at this point i just want her to be okay.

[Mustang]

To be honest(using what little experience I have as a guide)I would have left her on MSN and leave her on Facebook/MySpace. If you delete her from them then it only shows that you can't cope with her there in your life, even if it's only on the outskirts. Just don't chat to her over these mediums, if anything if you don't chat to her and just keep doing NC then she will wonder whats happening and will message you instead first.

 

I agree with this. I'm at the stage where I can handle seeing my ex on Facebook and also I want her to see that I am no longer trying to win her back. My ex can see that I am talking to loads of girls on Facebook and having loads of fun nights out.

 

Deleting her and blocking her implies that I am still heartbroken and can't cope with being able to see what she's up to. It'll give her an ego boost because she'll think "He's not over me, that's why he's deleted me". Plus as I said, it gives me the chance to show her that I really don't care anymore.

 

If they're on your Facebook/MySpace just view them as any other friend and don't go out of your way to contact them on a regular basis.

 

I added my ex on Facebook because I thought it'd be less personal than us texting.

 

On the subject of reverse psychology... my ex has recently put pictures up of her and her new guy. There's never been any before. I've KNOWN deep down that she dumped me for him but she never admitted it because who wants to admit that they are a liar? Anyway, I saw the pictures and didn't really feel anything. I certainly didn't feel upset. That said, I am going to use reverse psychology and sarcasm to make her feel very awkward indeed.

 

She knows I know the truth and she won't admit to anything even now. So I'm just being super super nice to her about it. She'd expect me to get angry and upset. I really don't care about her anymore. But I will still be using reverse psychology just to make her feel awkward. Childish of me maybe but then again, so is she.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

mustang mustang mustang! nooooooo dont do it..using tactics to make her feel awkward wont work. Its obvious your still hung up on her asking her to be friends at all and she's put the pics up because she probably thinks your cool with the situation as theres been enough time elapsed etc and she wasnt even thinking about that when she posted them.

 

I know its hard but you keep blaming her for not telling you the truth etc but many women check out emotionally before they leave physically. If she felt you just werent the one for her, youve got to forgive her for trying to leave without hurting your feelings too much. Try to understand why she did it, and that she seems happy now and be happy for her.

 

what goes round comes round and wishing her happiness means some will come back to you. You deserve that!

[bfla]

What a great thread. I've been reading it for over an hour already.

 

My current rebound situation is described in if anyone is interested or has some insight.

[jkam]

Here is my story

 

basically we are still very good friends and have lots of contact still either through school or volunteer! I have been there for her emotionally quite a bit lately and i guess that was my mistake and NC may get her to realize what she misses?

 

How do i apply the NC when we are still VERY CLOSE.... or is LC ok?

[Up and Down]

Here is my story

 

basically we are still very good friends and have lots of contact still either through school or volunteer! I have been there for her emotionally quite a bit lately and i guess that was my mistake and NC may get her to realize what she misses?

 

How do i apply the NC when we are still VERY CLOSE.... or is LC ok?

 

 

It sounds like your interaction with her is still one-sided, i.e. that you are hoping for more. She can't miss something that's not gone, so at the very least you should try pulling back to L/C.

[jkam]

ya.. she sometimes calls out of the blue just to talk.. but ya ive been giving much more than receiving.. heh i kinda said i promised i will always be there for her even tho we broke up and ive never broken a promise to her ever..i know we always had a strong bond in our relationship and we were also really good friends even after our break up and she said she would be there for me if i needed the support but then that kinda sounds like pity to me ...im just not sure how i am going to tell her i wont be seeing her as much anymore as we are still close..

[jkam]

when we first broke up 2 months ago we mutually tried at NC and it lasted a week only in which she contacted me for help in school... i shouldve just said noooo and kept strong but i ended up helping and then since it was only a week since we broke up I did the pleading and stuff and asked if she missed me with NC for a week...and she said noo so we just stopped the NC.... but ya her contacting me the first time could be a sign?? i was just dumb and continued to talk to her??

[desi1987]

MAN..how many times has she cheated??..Im sorry but the only way to trust someone after they cheat ONCE is to be sure they are remorseful(that means not blaming you for things that happened months ago just to misplace their guilt) and accept the blame..recognize what they did wrong, and what they hace to do to fix it.

 

YOu didnt cheat..so whether or not you would have is besides the point. Please Please dont tell her that, she would probably use it for ammunination against you in a future argument..trust me...

 

No Contact?..Yea I would suggest that you do it..but do it for you dont do it because you hope to get her back and honestly my ex cheated on me and after a month of NC she got in touch...I realized last night..I dont want her back..once a [multiple] cheater..ALWAYS A CHEATER. I think you should be happy you are out of all of that drama.

[knightingale]

Does the dumper generally rebound? My situation is frustrating and I don't what to think about it.

 

My ex and I broke up three weeks ago. He said he was still in love with me a few days after the break up. However, I knew that just a day after the break up, he reunited with an old childhood friend because they had a mutual friend in town that week. I didn't want to think much of it, but I knew they were going out every night to the same bars. Eventually I witnessed interaction between them, very flirtatious, but I knew they had both been drinking and it wasn't my place anymore to say anything. About a week later, knowing that they were still hanging out almost every night (but not alone) I finally just asked him if he was seeing her. He accused me of assuming things from afar and said that if there was something going on, I would know. The next day, he IMed me and told me that I shouldn't be getting my hopes up about us getting back together because he doesn't know what's going to happen in this time apart. That right now he just wants to be single, hang out with whomever he wants and not have to worry if it hurts me--even though he keeps claiming the last thing he wants to do is hurt me. I stood up for myself and told him that I get that he doesn't want a relationship, not a real one, not one that will mean anything in the end and I'll get over it. I've learned my lesson. He didn't say anything and I said I had to go and signed off. That night, a friend told me that at the bar he and the aforementioned girl were being very affectionate and left holding hands. They've continued to hang out almost every night this week at the bars and last night I wound up at the same bar as them and witnessed them kiss. My friend called him a piece of sh!t as they walked off, he flipped her off, but then proceeded to keep his distance from the girl, making sure not even their hands brushed. But he never even bothered to say hi to me . . .

 

I know a lot about the girl, that she loves to drink and she loves to randomly make out with guys. I know that my ex basically has decided he wants the benefits of a relationship without having the responsibility. They aren't "in a relationship", they're just casually dating. She's willing to be the kind of girl who will not commit--but I don't know for how long. They seem to only like to go out to drink together. That's all they seem to do. They don't have anything in common, as far as I can tell, other than the fact that they like to drink.

 

I just don't know what to think. I know he is being an immature jerk. I know I deserve better. I'm almost pretty sure at this point I would never even take him back after lying to me. A few days ago I sent him a message telling him that I've realized a lot about myself and the break up the last few days and I realize that it was for the best. That I'm a strong person. That, yes, I have been hurt a lot during this, but I won't let it get me down. And that maybe in a few weeks we can meet up and try being friends. I wished him the best of luck in his health and happiness. Since then, he's still continued to hang out with her, and then I witnessed what I did last night.

 

Is this something that could get serious between them? He's kissing her in public, in front of his friends, but I don't know what that means to him. Is this a rebound? Is he doing this out of spite or do you think he genuinely cares about this girl so soon after claiming he still loves me? Is he just projecting those feelings for me onto this girl? Is he just reveling in getting to have his cake and eat it too? Has he forgotten what we were to each other? Does he miss me at all? Sigh. I don't know. I hate him. I love him. It's all so confusing.

[bfla]

hey knightingale. Your situation sounds a lot like mine.

 

My ex ran to a dating site and met a guy within a week and a half of us breaking up. (It was sort of a mutual break, but I look at it as though she's the 'dumper' since I'm the one who wants to Get Back Together right now. We were together 2 and a half years.)

 

Based on what people are telling me here and elsewhere, and what I'm reading about your situation, it sounds like they are both pretty reboundy in nature.

 

I bolded my replies:

 

Is this something that could get serious between them?

Yeah, doesn't mean it's not a rebound though.

 

Is this a rebound? Is he doing this out of spite or do you think he genuinely cares about this girl so soon after claiming he still loves me? Is he just projecting those feelings for me onto this girl? Is he just reveling in getting to have his cake and eat it too? Has he forgotten what we were to each other? Does he miss me at all? Sigh. I don't know. I hate him. I love him. It's all so confusing.

Probably a little bit of everything. He'd rather enjoy the comfort he's used to, of having someone there. But I'm sure you aren't forgotten about. My ex is doing the same thing... distracting herself from me, from the pain, from our past... with a guy.

[ljoy74]

I'm not sure if I believe that or not.

Most people "rebound" to fill voids and thereforee the rebound relationship is based off of nothing real. Yeah I suppose those feelings can become real but in the end that relationship will always have begun with filling something that was missing.

[fleck1234]

Here is my situation, I would love some comments and opinions. My ex and I were together for 5 years and things were good. She loved me more than anything and we did everything together. I got really mad at her and over the course of about 2 months we broke up and I moved out. After that we remained close friends with benefits and continued on like we were still going out. I would talk to her a few times each day and we would spend as much time together as we could. We never said we were a couple and we stopped saying I love you. We were exclusive but never talked about it. Our friends thought we were just friends and no one knew we were still sleeping together.

 

 

Fast forward to Christmas 2007, this made it over 8 years together- We were still in the same situation and I knew she wanted me back 100% and moved back in. I just didn't know if that was what I wanted so I was quite content with things the way they were. Starting in january she seemed distant and we stopped having sex except for once a week or so. She never called as much and she started being busy more than before. I thought something was wrong but never thought much more about it. In mid March I find out she had been sleeping with another guy since january and had been sleeping with me also.

 

 

We had a big fight obviously and she said she feel out of love with me and couldn't wait any longer for me to come back to her. I was hurt and thought she should have told me about him and I would have backed away. I went NC shortly after that and did it pretty well with occasional slip ups to send sappy emails and begging her to give me another chance, etc..... I really didn't realize what I had until she was gone. I have been back in NC for the last 5 weeks and I have no real idea what she is up to. I think she is still with the guy and they might have moved in together. I feel bad for keeping her on the hook for 3 years while I figured out what I wanted but I really did love her and still do. She knows how I feel and I don't plan on contacting her again. If she wants me, she knows how to get in touch.

 

 

My question is- did she just jump on the first guy that came along so she could have a real relationship and a live in BF ? I know she still cares about me, we were together for over 8 years but I don't know what is going to happen. I plan on continuing NC and hoping for the best. Any and all opinions welcome.

[desi1987]

I'm not sure if I believe that or not.

Most people "rebound" to fill voids and thereforee the rebound relationship is based off of nothing real. Yeah I suppose those feelings can become real but in the end that relationship will always have begun with filling something that was missing.

 

 

I think most relationships that begin in a lie will end the exact same way. The person using the rebound lies about their feelings to themselves as well as the rebound. They think that if they say their "I love yous" enough they will truly start to love them.I think if someone goes into a relationship to fill a void or simply so they wont be alone those feelings toward their "rebound" are not genuine, and most likely never will be. Instead of taking that time to try to rebuild the relationship with the rebound(after they have gotten over their ex of course) it would be mch easier to just move on and find someone new.

[desi1987]

Honestly..i think you miss her because she was the one to cheat and reject you first. You said yourself that you wanted to be out of the relationship and that you felt she was clingy, but I think you wanted to leave the relationship on your own terms..and since you didnt get that chance..maybe thats whats buggin you??..Idk just an idea I also think that the old cliche is really true. "You dont know what you have until its gone"

[knightingale]

Well, we talked about it all. All of it. Maybe more than we should have, but it's done.

 

They're not dating, they just enjoy each others' company and are interested in each other. He says that he still loves me, but then he's doing this. It doesn't make sense to me. And when I called him out on filling the void with her, he said that that doesn't make any sense. I don't know if he is just in denial that that is what is going on or what. Then again, a person isn't going to just outright say, "this is a rebound, don't worry about it".It just bothers me that this girl is basically letting him have his cake and eat it too. That he is actually that kind of guy and she is actually that kind of girl. He claims he doesn't see how it could really go anywhere, but that just makes it all the more frustrating.

 

It's just ridiculous. He pushes me away and then he pulls me back and then he pushes me away. I know I should just think for myself, do what is right for myself, but it's so hard. Especially knowing that he is with her in the physical sense but claims that he still loves me. I hate myself for just not walking away. Why can't I just walk away when all the signs tell me I should?

[WlknCntrdiction]

He says that he still loves me, but then he's doing this. It doesn't make sense to me.

 

Love never "makes sense", love can't be solved with logic. Just go NC and move on, if he truly does love you then he'll come back, use that time to better yourself as a person, be someone who doesn't need him in your life.

 

Me and my ex have reconciled and we're friends now, her and my "friend" are still going out but I get the feeling things aren't going as smoothly as I think they are. I'm still in NC with her so I'm in no trouble of being a punching bag for her to spill her emotions onto me, and even if she did I would tell her straight away not too because we're not together anymore, what she does or feels she can lay on her "bf", not me, the ex.

 

This is my story so far.

 

 

 

So what do you guys think?

[desi1987]

True. My ex is the exact same way. They stay with "rebound" because they dont want to feel like they made a mistake. I would guess that pride plays a big role too. It just seems like he is having fun with her and vice versa. My ex and her s.o are exchanging "I love yous"..and "I cant live without yous" after a month, so at least his head is not in the clouds about the relationship and hes bein realistic.

 

The pulling you away and pulling you back is a mind game. You are good for his ego, he has his gf and then he has his ex on a string whenever he wants to play with you as well. I wont say that he doesnt love you, but he is selfish he wants his cake and he wants to EAT IT ALL. You love him..love is blinding/kind/patient/caring thats why you cant just walk away. Sometimes though we have to put love to the side and start taking care of ourselves and you already know the way to do that. "NC"

[yankeefan74]

i understand, at least to an extent, what you are both going through. My ex is similar - she moved into a new relationship not long after we broke up. She's a classic example of someone who just cannot be alone. She has admitted that she doesn't think long term relationships take any work - every problem should just work itself out.

 

I work with her, so complete no contact is impossible. But I can say that there are days when my ex, who again, is in another "relationship" already...will admit that she still loves me...and last week, a full 2 1/2 weeks after we'd broken up...she kissed me twice.

 

Since i have no hopes of reconciliation (i know her too well to expect her to admit that leaving me was a mistake...lol), none of this bothers me. It's actually amusing in one sense. That's not to say i don't hurt, or that the breakup itself didn't bother me - it kicked the heck out of me - it would just be difficult for me to respect her enough to really love her in the same way I did.

 

As for the rebound, i don't think it matters whether i'm still in the picture or not. She obviously has unresolved feelings for me - but for my ex, that doesn't mean they will cause problems in her new relationship - she's not good at confronting feelings and dealing well with emotions. She doesn't like feeling vulnerable...truly open to another person...so she uses a new person to distract her...when that excitement wears off, she'll find someone else...and so on...

 

But as long as their is still love in the "dumper"'s heart...i really believe that being unavailable to them - acting as though you have moved on - will get them curious. And if you act like you've moved on long enough - you actually will finally let go of the past. And if that happens, then i completely buy into the theories expressed at the very beginning of this thread - you will be attractive in new ways to your ex whether you get back together with them or not.