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Mustang

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Everything posted by Mustang

  1. As I'm sure you've guessed, my message to you the other day was a lame attempt to strike up a conversation and I understand you not replying. But I miss you. A lot. The phrase "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" really couldn't be more appropriate. As busy as I've been and as much fun I've had with friends in the past few months, my heart feels empty without you. I've played the victim for so long - I've been aggressive, bitter and pathetic but I do understand your reasons for breaking up with me. I've learnt and realised so much in our time apart and I'm sorry for everything. Mostly the fact that I lost my best friend and love of my life through selfishness, complacency and idiocy. I wish I could just forget everything and move on but I can't and nor do I don't want to.
  2. Guess who's healed? That's right.... ME. I really do wish I'd listened to you guys and had the willpower to have stuck to NC in the early days. For so long I had false hope. I kept clinging to the idea of getting back with her. That false hope gave me some happiness to cling to. I had the thought of "we'll get back together one day" and as time went by and she seemed to be getting further away, I would get upset/angry and take it out on her. She probably thinks I'm a nutcase. I probably was but I do realise it was because I loved her so much. Do I still think of her? Yes. But it doesn't dominate my lfie at all anymore. Do I still get sad about it? Yes. The other day, I came so close to contacting her the other day because I was thinking of her but that girl essentially died a year ago. I do miss her a hell of a lot but there's nothing left to say/do. It's only been since telling my ex I am never speaking to her again a month ago that I've truly been able to let go. I had honestly hoped that we could've been friends because I'll always remember her and care for her. I can't help that. But I got sick of it being one way traffic and her not acting like a friend. I'd always contact her and she'd maybe reply every now and then. Sometimes she'd not respond for a few weeks and then text me saying she's been busy. Pfft. That's not a friendship. Anyway, I'm on about day 34 now and just thought I'd let you all know where I was at. For all the * * * * I put myself through in the past year, I can safely say I've learnt from it. So at least there's something to be positive about.
  3. I'm glad you're at a stage now where you're not counting the days! Hopefully I will get there one day without going back ten steps as I have been doing. It's nice to know that it does get better in time. It gives me enough strength to stick to NC.
  4. Not "spoken" to my ex since Sunday night. So I'm on day 2. Hardly a big deal but I really am trying to move on. It's difficult because even now she's said that she's happy for me to still speak to her and says that I am not getting in the way. I keep thinking that maybe I shouldn't disappear completely because I've said to her many times that I should leave her alone but she always says no. She wants me still to be there. Probably as a back up or just for attention mind you. She still seems very much hurt about the break up and very angry with me about my contribution to the end of our relationship. She gets angry whenever I tell her I'm hurt. It's as if she thinks I'm being selfish. People have said that her being angry is a "good" thing because it shows that there are still emotions attached. Maybe so. I don't want her to think of me and be angry. The only thing I can do now is move on and show her that I respect her decision finally. I want to be happy with myself and I think I can't be happy with all this going on. I know NC is the only option but it is so hard when I still love her and miss her so much. But there's no real signs from my ex that she has any desire to get back with me. I just wish I knew why she still wants me around but only at an arm's length. What is the point? I do think I've made things so distorted and awkward that NC is the best thing I can do to try and change her opinion of me at least. Right now, I am a pathetic ex that doesn't trust her. I don't want to be remembered for that. Maybe after a while she'll realise that I've only been the way I've been because I'm hurting and I miss her. I don't know how serious things are with the new guy. She's still not confirmed or denied it. I keep thinking if it was that serious she'd have no problem telling me the truth or losing me. But seeing as she's kept me around, maybe it's not serious. I don't know. There's nothing I can say or do to change her mind so it's pointless thinking about it.
  5. Day 4 I miss her still. I really shouldn't. I should hate her for not only how she's treated me in the past eight months but also that she dumped me for someone else and made it out to be all my fault. I've been blaming myself so much over the past eight months and trying to make things up to her. All this while she's sleeping with someone else and moving on. So she's getting the new relationship that she dumped me for and has me giving her an ego boost. How very selfish. Had she told me the truth I would've walked away right away. She is manipulative and selfish. She wanted the attention from me. She probably used it to get more attention from the new guy. I've been through hell since the break up all because she was too much of a coward to be honest with me. Eight months on, she's with somebody new - probably telling each other they love each other now - and I am sitting here still trying to work out what is so bad about me that my ex decided to walk all over me like that without any guilt or remorse. Even now, she wouldn't admit anything. I am certain of it. It's not so much the fact that she's with someone else that bothers me - he's welcome to her. I'm more angry and upset that she's been with him all along and she's only advertising it now because she feels enough time has past for me to call her out on it. I feel like an idiot for being nice to her all this time. She blamed everything on me to take the attention away from what she was doing. I know they say you should let your ex move on and be happy but I can't. I won't. Why should I? Maybe it's childish of me, but I want her to go through what she put me through. I want her to hurt the way I have been hurting. But, knowing her, she'll get away with everything. I honestly don't know what I'm feeling right now. I miss her but then I don't know who the hell she is anymore. The girl I was with would NEVER have lied and cheated the way she has. Maybe that's part of the problem, I still have feelings for someone that doesn't exist. I just wish she could open her eyes for once and see how harsh she's been. But no. She can do no wrong.
  6. Day 3 We spoke (via text as usual) on Tuesday. We spoke about Glastonbury, who we saw, etc. Then it goes back to nothing. I've given up. I do miss her and I do think of her a lot but when I think about it, she has done NOTHING for me since we split. To use an example, I used to email her mp3s every now and then of music she'd like and not once has she said thanks. Not once has she emailed me anything. I've always been to one to ask how she is. She only replies. She never contacts me herself. She will reply all the time mind you but usually it's a day later and she'll apologise and make up some reason why. I'm bored of having a one sided friendship. Also, I didn't know for certain whether or not she dumped me for someone else. She never gave me any answers. She always used to hide it. Then the day I told her I was fine, she started putting pictures up from the previous eight months of her and him looking all couple-y. It was as if she was hiding it from me so she didn't look like a * * * * * for dumping me for him. Now that I'm fine with everything she has no need to hide anything because I have no reason to be upset or angry anymore. I have NO idea how she just turned off the light the way she did. If I dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow she wouldn't care. It's as if I don't exist. She's cold and heartless. She runs away from things and brushes things under the carpet. She has a new guy and I am pretty sure she had him lined up before she dumped me (if she wasn't with him already). She won't ever sit down and analyse "us" or think for ten seconds about how much she hurt me. She'll ignore it and hope it goes away. Her new guy lives 300 miles away and they aren't back at uni until September. She works Mon-Fri so I'm guessing they won't see each other as often. Which will no doubt make them stronger. It made us stronger when we had an LDR. Although, I will be honest, part of me wants it to fail. If it does or doesn't, I won't know about it. I'm never going to see her. She's made her point clear that she wants nothing to do with me other than a text reply. She wants me there as a back up or just for attention. I'm sick of it. I met loads of nice girls at Glastonbury last weekend and it gave me faith in myself that my ex is not worth any of the attention I've given her. She's not worth all the hours I've spent on here looking for advice. I'm ashamed and embarrassed for thinking she was worth it. In the past eight months while I've been trying to win her back she's been with this new guy all along laughing about how pathetic I am. I know hate is a strong word and I am still very emotional about the whole thing when I think about her but I am slowly but surely getting to the stage where I want to be. NC will give me the final push I need. I doubt it very much but if my ex comes back one day just to apologise I will not accept it. She has really damaged my confidence. All because she was too cowardly and selfish to tell me the truth. She's happy with somebody else now and has had me being nice to her all this time. She's lost nothing. Me walking away won't mean anything to her now. What bugs me is that she was the nicest and most genuine girl in the world. I NEVER thought she would be like this and it really doesn't fill me with confidence because every girl I've met since hasn't seemed as nice or as genuine as my ex. I hate my ex for not only dumping me for someone else but also for ruining my trust. She's moved on but she's left me in a state where I can't move on because I'm so damaged. Karma will get her back I am sure. I just hope to be on the front row when the new guy dumps her.
  7. It's not really a challenge for me anymore. I have nothing to say to my ex ever again. It will take a lot of effort from her to get me back in her life. Not as a girlfriend but as a friend. I'm not heartbroken as such. I'm more embarrassed and upset that somebody that claims to be a friend can treat me so badly with no remorse. I told my ex on Saturday that friendship is a two way thing and that she's made her point perfectly clear. I told her that I was trying to build bridges but it clearly wasn't worth it. I ended by saying "Bye bye". No response and I won't get one ever. She won't care. She used me as emotional support to make the break up feel less harsh. Plus after the way she treated me before and after the break up, it made her feel less guilty for being a lying selfish coward. She's made no attempt to explain her actions meaning she doesn't care about me at all. Her loss. I just feel like an idiot for treating her so nicely. She is right, she has changed. Changed for the worst. Maybe one day she will get burned and be treated the way she treated me. It sounds horrible but I really do hope so. She deserves it. I know people say that you should wish your ex well and all that nonsense but why should I when she's not respected me or my feelings?
  8. Day 7 One week down. A long way to go. I really miss her. I didn't tell my ex I was going NC so part of me wonders if she'll contact me at some point. It's been me that's kept the lines of communication open. So I suppose this is also testing whether or not she really wants to speak to me. As I've said before, she could just be being polite. If she never contacts me then I will know that her telling me she wants to be friends was a lie to make herself look and feel better and that my sense that there's still something there will be blown away. Which will make it easier to move on. We are both going to Glastonbury next weekend and she will expect contact from me by then I am sure. Obviously I keep thinking the usual things of "is she thinking about me?" etc but I try to not let it play on my mind for too long. I am worried that she'll never contact me and it'll confirm my worst fears of her talking to me but not really wanting to. Mind you, at least I will know and I will not make an idiot of myself anymore.
  9. I can see what you mean. But I wouldn't say that the lessons I've learnt about myself during this break up will suddenly go away when I get over my ex. I am learning a lot about myself and the sort of person I need to be in a healthy relationship. I wasn't towards the end and I know that I won't make the same mistakes again - with or without my ex.
  10. Day 6 Missing her a lot as always. I was playing with my phone last night and spent ages trying to compose the "perfect" text to send her. I realised then that I have nothing to really say to her anymore that I haven't said before so I didn't text her. Sure, I could ask her how she is and what she's up to but that'd all it'd be and I'd be back to square one. Like a lot of other people I am wondering how she is and if she is wondering about me. I try and think of something else when she comes into my head but it isn't easy. I can't stop thinking about Glastonbury next week. She is going to be there. I'd really like to see her but I know that asking her to meet up is weak. So I'm trying so hard to not ask her. But I honestly think it'd be OK. It'd be nice to see her and catch up. Plus it would give me the opportunity to show her who I really am. Text messaging isn't a true reflection of who we both are. Things get distorted. It's so distorted now and I want to clear the air. But I know that I can't pressure her into meeting me. I'm off job hunting today. It's good to keep busy.
  11. You mean us making progress makes them feel less guilty?
  12. I am feeling the same way right now. It kinda sucks making progress when they are oblivious to it! My ex said to me a while ago, "everything's going well for you and I'm so pleased. You've living a completely better and different life without me!". Patronising as it may be, it made me feel better that she noticed.
  13. Day 5 I woke up today feeling positive and motivated. I have to find myself a summer job. That is my main concern right now. That said, I miss my ex so much when we don't speak. Even as a friend. But LC just makes me frustrated because it's not progressing. It is at a stand still. We'll make small talk for a day or so over text messages and then that'll be it for a week. I want to suggest meeting up or something to take it further but a) I don't know whether or not she's with someone else and b) I don't want to ruin things by rushing in too soon. I know I have to try and build up her trust again. Baby steps... NC right now to give her a bit of a break and to get myself together.
  14. Good luck! I know how hard it is. The first few days of NC are the hardest. After a while you'll stop counting the days and it will get easier.
  15. Day 4 I am finding it a lot harder to do this time around. I went five weeks in April. Part of the reason why I managed it last time was because I told my ex before going NC as to why. Looking back, maybe I went back too soon. I honestly felt a lot better after those five weeks of NC. I thought that I was happy. I thought I was over it. I probably also thought that my ex would be dying to hear from me again. She seemed upset by me telling her I was going NC. When I contacted her for the first time in five weeks, she responded straight away and was really pleased to hear from me. It has since gone back to how things were before in a way. We're "friends". We are in LC. We text every so often and that's it. I am normally the one to text her. But she seems comfortable enough to talk to me. I have no idea if she's with anybody else or not. There is nothing to suggest she's in a full on relationship with somebody new. She could be "playing the field". I don't know which is worse. I really wish I could see her again. I am no longer trying to get back with her as such but I do still hope that I get another chance. But I am not asking her to meet up or anything like that. It has to happen naturally. It has just been so hard to deal with in the last seven or eight months. My ex said her decision was the hardest decision she's ever had to make and that she still thinks of me. We get on so well. I know that things would be cool in person because they were when we randomly bumped into one another in March. But I suspect that she is worried about going back to what it was. She is obviously enjoying life now. What frustrates me is that I don't want to go back to how it was either! I have done a lot of soul searching and learnt a lot about myself. I have made a lot of changes in my life. I have achieved a lot since the split. My ex has noticed this. It's hard to believe that she's moved on completely because she still talks to me and she could've easily pushed me away by now if she really wanted to. I've given her the chance to tell me where to go and she hasn't. Which is confusing to say the least. My ex is the sort of girl to keep her true emotions in. I can sense that there's still something there from her. I just have this feeling she still cares about me on some level and doesn't want to truly let me go. But at the same time, she is probably worried that her life will not be the same if she gets back with me - by that I mean she may feel like she has to compromise who she is. I'm not asking for that. I'm not even asking to get back with her either really. All I would like is to see her again and show her the changes I've made, show her that she means the world to me and show her that the person I was leading up to split no longer exists. But getting her to meet up with me won't happen. I refuse to ask her if she wants to catch up sometime. I am sick of looking weak. I don't want her to get scared off. Even though I wouldn't be emotional or needy she would assume that I would be and she could also be worried about how a meet up would impact her. She used to always run away and avoid things that were tricky. Maybe she's trying so so hard to stick to her guns. I don't think the break up has been easy for her either. I have been a bit selfish in some of my accusations about her. I know she's a kind girl. So I'm trying to back off. As you can all see I need a break. But god damn, I miss her so much. I miss her more as they days go by. Not less. When the hell will it end? I don't think she will contact me because she will expect me to contact her. I took the expectation away last time by telling her I needed to cut contact. Any contact from me last time would make me look weak. So I didn't. It's harder this time because I am doing it without announcing it. So I could crack at any moment! She says she still thinks of me every now and then and she has kept me around in her life. I know I can't expect anything from NC but IF there is any feelings there still it will make her wonder why I've just disappeared. Enough mystery to bring her back? Hmmm.... unlikely.
  16. Back on day 1 of NC by the way. My ex text me last night about me interviewing Kings of Leon at Glastonbury. She asked me what questions I was going to ask them and told me that she was looking forward to seeing them at Glastonbury. Obviously, she feels comfortable enough telling me that she's going to be in the same place as me without me freaking out and asking her to meet up. So that's something I guess. I didn't respond last night. I have literally just replied saying: "I've got a few obvious questions but I'm just going to go with the flow. Random interviews are where it's at! If you could ask anybody three random questions, what would they be? How's thee anyway? x" Upbeat, friendly, not clingly, showing her I'm independent and getting on with things but also asking her how she is so I don't seem too aloof. I don't expect her to respond. If she does, bonus. Although she would have probably expected me to suggest meeting up or even acknowledge that she's going to Glastonbury. I didn't. This kind of shows her that I know she's going to be there but I don't really care. Obviously I do but a few months ago, I was looking for ANY excuse to meet up. I know she'll be thinking about me when she's there. We watched it on TV together last summer and we spoke about how we'd go together this year. She's never been before and I convinced her that she'd love it. I'm sure she will. It's a shame that I won't get to experience it with her but nae bother. Plus, without wanting to sound shallow, I have backstage passes and I'm interviewing bands. If she was still with me then she could be backstage with me too. Instead, she'll have to wallow in the mud drinking from a paper cup and I'll have access to clean working toilets, showers, celebrities and a free bar! Her loss? Yes I think so.
  17. What if there's nothing on a page to suggest that your ex is with someone else? My ex has no relationship status listed and there's no photos of her with anybody else. You'd think if she was with someone else there'd be some obvious signs by now. I know that when we were together, there were photos of us on MySpace/Facebook left, right and centre and still are. I've untagged all the photos of me and her and deleted everything for my own sake. But her MySpace page still has photos of me plastered all over it and my name under her "Interests". It doesn't mean anything mind you. She's probably too lazy to edit it! I know Facebook isn't a true reflection of what is really going on but am I wrong for thinking that she can't be THAT serious about someone else (if she is with someone else) because there's no "evidence" to suggest otherwise and she is still in touch with me?
  18. Day 3 I had a dream about her last night. It was a fairly normal dream. We were out shopping together and we were laughing and joking. I woke up and wanted to go straight back to sleep. I was reading old emails from her last night. I know I shouldn't have. But when she was in Australia she used to send me really long emails telling me all about her time and how much she missed and loved me and couldn't wait to come home. It sounds weird but while I was reading those emails I kind of forgot about the present situation and went back to a time when I was happier. It didn't make me upset to read them. It made me happy. It made me realise that she did love me more than anything once. She has said that "things changed" and I know that they did because things became boring. We saw too much of each other. We ran out of things to say and do. I get the impression that she's having a lot of fun with her new life now and probably feels that getting back with me will mean that she loses that fun life and goes back to how things were. I don't want it to be like that and I wish I could show her how different it could be. But I know I can't because trying anything to prove to her how I've changed or things won't be the same will just scare her away. With that in mind, as much as I want to contact her I know I can't. I don't have any urges to do so because I know that there's nothing I can say that'll make the situation any better. As harmless as being friendly with her is it is not going to change anything and if anything puts me in the "friendzone". The thing I've been battling a lot with lately is that I think that IF we are ever to get back together we will have to become friends again first. I am not expecting to meet up with her and everything to fall into place. That's why I am finding NC so hard because I feel like I am giving up. We'd have to see each other with no expectation on my part. I know that if we were to meet up and hang out we'd get on really well. But the temptation to ask her if she wants to hang out is so strong. On a sunny day like this it'd be nice to go for a walk by the river or in a park and just catch up with each other. Maybe eventually she'd feel comfortable seeing me as a friend and in time maybe old feelings would be rekindled. That said, I know that I am not ready to be "just friends" yet and part of me thinks that she isn't ready to either. If she was totally comfortable then she'd have no problem meeting me just as friends right? I have to back up a bit and give her space to show her that I am not chasing her. It's so hard to do because as you all know I feel like every day that goes by is a day that we grow further apart and she gets used to life without me. We've only seen each other once for ten minutes in seven months. She probably doesn't see the point in seeing me right now. I don't think she'll ever contact me and want to hang out for fear of giving me the wrong idea and I can't ask her because it'll scare her. It's just so hard to know what to do! If I contact her, I lose. If I don't, I lose.
  19. Day 2 It's crazy to think that I'm back here. It's been seven months and I was in NC for all of April. Then just over a month later, I'm worse than ever before and back to NC. I think of her constantly.
  20. Day 1 I am going to try really hard this time. I managed 4-5 weeks in April and I felt a lot better by the end of it. I foolishly got back in touch with my ex thinking I was cool with everything and ready to be just friends. The hardest thing is that me and my ex still get on and I know that if we met up we'd have fun together. I really miss her and I think there's still feelings on both sides. Obviously her feelings don't mean she wants to get back with me. I know she's moved on and she probably doesn't see the need to go back. What bugs me is that I don't want to go back either. I want to go forwards. Things are different now. Well, the circumstances are at least. And that is what she claims was the big factor in her decision. I know that she obviously lost attraction for me too because we had a LDR for nine months and we got through that. She has told me that she still thinks of me which has created false hope. I am looking for any signs of life right now and it's not fair on her to do that. I have to get rid of all the hope I have. I have accepted we're not together now and I am sure she's perfectly happy without me. The worst part is that I don't know when I'll ever see her again.
  21. I just sent my ex a text saying that I feel awful for what happened at the weekend and I hope we can forget about it. I also said I'd understand if she rather us not speak anymore. I asked her to let me know either way and I wished her well. Will she respond? I don't know. But at least I've done my best to clean the air. I hate how things have become. I miss her and get upset. Then I get angry. Then I'll contact my ex in an upbeat way and then every now and then I'll get angry when she doesn't respond the way I want. Like Friday. I took out two months worth of frustration out on her. I look so pathetic. The casual contact was going OK but it wasn't what I truly wanted. Until I don't want her back then contact is only going to make things worse. I've dragged this out for seven months now and my ex has been very patient with me to be fair. But had I just walked away on day one then I'd either be over it all by now or possibly be back with her. I've put her under so much pressure and not only have I ruined any change of getting back together but I think now I've ruined any future friendship too. The worst part for me is that she will have memories of me since the break up that are more recent than the good memories of being with me. I haven't been myself since the break up at all. I hate the thought of her forgetting the real me. NC is the best and only option for me. I managed 4-5 weeks before and I was in a much better place. I thought I was doing OK and was happy with everything. I thought I was ready to move on and be friends with my ex. So I started contacting her again. Oh how wrong I was. I'm in a worse place than ever now.
  22. Not spoken to my ex since Monday. It's not really a big deal anymore. I miss her and still think of her but I have nothing to say to her anymore. See my other thread about possibly seeing her next weekend... I am trying to avoid contact until then at least.
  23. Day 1 We were texting each other on Monday night. We were getting on well. I fell asleep and missed a text from her. I replied yesterday when I woke up and she ignored it. I know that it shouldn't bother me but it does. I didn't say anything horrible. I just seem to be there when it suits her. She seems to blow hot and cold. One minute I think we're making progress and getting on and the next she ignores me and I feel like utter * * * * again. She always avoids telling me anything when I ask her. I am not being intrusive. I only asked her if she had any summer plans after telling her what I am up to over the summer and she ignored me. I miss her so much. But there's nothing I can do about it anymore. I want her to want to speak to me. I want her to value my friendship. But I don't think she really cares. I am keeping myself busy and going out as much as I can but after seven months I still want to be with her. My ex has noticed the changes I have made in my life and has told me she is pleased but that just frustrates me even more. It's made me realise that the whole situation is hopeless. Yes, I have made changes and I have a lot of exciting prospects. I have made a lot of contacts and I am really excited about my future. That is true. But I am so miserable without her in my life. She doesn't know this and I sure as hell can't tell her. I just have to leave it. I lasted a month before so let's see if I can go longer this time.
  24. I think I am going to get back on the NC wagon.
  25. I think NC has to be done at some point. It is IMPOSSIBLE to make the transition from bf/gf to friends without some time apart. Also, a common thing seems to be that people tend to get back together when the old relationship is a thing of the past. As an example, a previous ex of mine (three years ago) and I are really really close friends now and I'm pretty sure we could easily get back together now if we both wanted to. When we broke up there was no chance. Where as now, it's totally new. Things are still a bit strange with me and my current ex. I wanted her back for so long and I've only recently felt free from it all. Would I like to get back with her? I'd say yes. But I realise that no NC/LC plan will work. Everything has to happen naturally. And if it doesn't, then it doesn't matter because I am not expecting or hoping it to.
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