Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[qwerty1984]

When a relationship is still so good- intimacy, fun, getting along so well, chemistry but extenuating circumstances of dumper moving countries and some betrayal is the best way still to back off as much as possible to make them realize what they’re losing – I have two months til he moves 3 hrs and a whole country away – I don’t want to give up on us!

will reverse psychology work in this case?

[bepositive]

When a relationship is still so good- intimacy, fun, getting along so well, chemistry but extenuating circumstances of dumper moving countries and some betrayal is the best way still to back off as much as possible to make them realize what they’re losing – I have two months til he moves 3 hrs and a whole country away – I don’t want to give up on us!

will reverse psychology work in this case?

 

If he has betrayed you somehow, I'd definitely step out and make him take stock of things. Since you're definitely not comfortable with him leaving, it has the added benefit of giving you a headstart on moving on and seeing if you really are that into him. Tough option, though.

[zhuge]

I've tried to read as much as I could before posting this.

 

I really hope you all can help me out here. There is a lot to this story but here is the intro.

 

Oh, and please don't be to hard on me for being so dumb in messing this relationship up.

 

I have a HUGE problem with what is now my ex-girlfriend and I am not sure if I can save our relationship.

 

She and I have dated for the last seven years. Last April I asked her to move in with me…and she did. We had a great relationship, share so many things in common, had a great time together, never argued or anything.

 

Well in January I told her I didn't think she was right for me because I told her I wanted to be with a Chinese girl (not that one was waiting in the wings or anything) because of my love for Chinese culture, language and all this other CRAP. It's a long story but that's the jist of it.

 

It broke her heart. We both thought it would be a good idea if she moved out. I told her to take as much time as she needed and slowly she did. She still has a few things here like her couch, coffee table and chair, and few other things.

 

For three months we would see each other once or twice a week, and do all the things we used to do. During that time it was still just like were together the whole time...happy, loving, laughing and just great. Except she was waiting for me to ask her to come back home and I never did. That seems to be a HUGE part of my mistake. Really I thought we were getting back together so I didn't really realize I had to ask. Another mistake I guess.

 

Then the last time I went back to Thailand (the beginning of April) she thought I was "leaving her" for good.

 

She told me in an email, "You've lost me." I got on a plane ASAP and came back home. When I got home I even asked her to marry me, she said no. She told me she doesn't feel the same anymore…that I hurt her too much. I am totally devastated. I asked her if I screwed things up that bad and she said, yes.

 

I asked if it was over between us and she said "it feels like it" but wont say yes. Two of the last three times we spoke she told me that she loves me and is so sorry. I know she considers me an ex now. What can I do?

 

I have no idea what to do. I told her how sorry I was for what I did, tried to get her to realize that I was not leaving her and she just says that understands but she doesn't feel the same anymore. The thing there is she is not indifferent but angry and hurt. I guess that's a good thing but since she said "no" it's been almost two weeks and we haven't spoken. And I haven't done anything crazy like go by her work, called her all the time or been texting her, try to interfere with her dating or anything...I've just left her alone.

 

Now she is already dating someone else who I know she is telling things that she used to say to me. AND the two things I didn't talk to her about, the main thing was having kids, she is already saying that they –she and the other dude- "share the same common desire to have children." Oh, I'm 34 and she is 32. Yeah it should have been "painfully obvious" that she wants kids but we never talked about it. She never brought it up either but...anyway.

 

Can she really be trying to take the life and love that we have and give it to someone else that quickly? I mean I know she told that guy that "from the first time we met I felt myself falling for you." I was like * * * ? But at the same time...I had told her that she was not the one for.

 

She always wrote me letters and sent me cards telling me how much loves me...and when I came back I had written her a hand written 10 page letter talking about how she is the right girl for me, all of the great things that we shared, how sorry I am...how we would have beautiful kids together...I mean everything...everything.

 

I mean…we got along GREAT. And now she is saying we are done…

 

Do you really think I can get her back?

 

Can it really be over? How?

 

All those years of being together…I messed up for 3 months and we are done???

 

Do you think she is trying to get back at me for that? She openly said that it's not retribution or anything.

 

I'm hoping a healthy dose of patience and steady steps in the right direction you will eventually be able to wear down her resistance and turn her break up reasons into nothing more than faint memory of the past.

 

But I'm not sure if I can believe that. I REALLY want to but I just don't know. I came home, asked her to marry me, she said no...the next day she called me back to tell me it's not a "no" and let her think about it...but then a week later she still ended up telling me no. I asked her straight up if we were over and she didnt say yes, just that "it feels like it."

 

All this is completely stream of consciousness so please forgive me if I’ve been rambling and all over the place.

 

What a mess. Please help me out here.

 

I really, REALLY need it.

[bepositive]

Zhuge,

 

Oddly enough, your story is amost the same (in relationship effects) as mine, with different circumstances. I told my ex that I was unsure of having children, and didn't want to interfere with her dream, so I broke up with her. After a few big events, I wound up proposing, and she decided to stick with the new guy she met. I know I hurt her deeply, although on a "friendly" date, we recaptured nearly everything, to the point where she was trying to figure out how to break up with the other guy. Then, she chose to stick with him. I've given her space and asked her not to call. After a week and a half, she called to check on me, so I know she's still thinking about me.

 

All you can do is let her go for now. I used to think that was dumb before, but after two weeks, a lot of support from my friends and this board, I'm feeling better. I even flew my mother (basically the only family I have left) out here for the long weekend, and it's been a great help. Focus on improving you, and not making the same mistake again. Hang in there, we're all here for each other. And don't worry about "steady steps in the right direction..." You have to stop contacting her for now, and wait for her to contact you again. As time goes on, she'll focus on the good things you had.

 

I also look at it this way: Even after being apart, I'm sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with my ex. That's a good 40 or more years. So, a few months or a year (ugh) here is just a blip.

[zhuge]

Thanks Bepositive.

 

The last time we spoke was on May 10th. And I don’t plan on saying a word to her either until she contacts me.

 

She still gets here mail here but hasn't come to pick it for the last two weeks. She still has large pieces furniture here and a few other things. But from all I have been reading I know that I just need to be relaxed and cool when she calls about anything the mail, the furniture or whatever.

 

I just want to be sure I am making the right moves when the time comes. I'm ready to move on but she and I are the right one for each other we both know it.

 

So I'm trying to do everything right and be in the right frame of mind from now on so I don't end up in this position ever again.

 

I've talked to several people here about it and they say she is just really hurt and not sure if she can trust me. She feels I pulled a total 180 on her and isn’t sure what to believe. She actually said that to me too.

 

They say just give her some time and she will come around. So, like I said we were together for seven years so I’m really trying to make sure this will turn out to be nothing more than faint memory of the past.

 

I guess I'm not too surprised by the "rebound" thing but it doesn't make it any easier to take.

 

Thanks again B.

[bepositive]

 

I've talked to several people here about it and they say she is just really hurt and not sure if she can trust me. She feels I pulled a total 180 on her and isn’t sure what to believe. She actually said that to me too.

 

 

That's EXACTLY what my ex said to me; and, when I first proposed, she thought I was just being competetive with the new guy. Seven years is a great amount of history; I only have 2 years with mine, but we were through a lot together, and I think she'll start to remember that.

[zhuge]

Awesome B. but wait....when you said

 

Seven years is a great amount of history; I only have 2 years with mine, but we were through a lot together, and I think she'll start to remember that.

 

Were you talking your ex remembering that you've been through a lot or mine will?

[bepositive]

zhuge,

 

Talking about both of us, actually.

[zhuge]

I kinda thought so B. I was trying to sound like I was joking but I know it's hard to tell sometimes over the internet.

 

But I definitely am hoping the best for us both and anyone else in our position.

 

I've reading a lot too and it seems that my situation isn't really like any of the others I've seen. My ex and I had a great relationship. Never fought. Had great times together. Shared pretty much everything in common and were together for seven years.

 

I did something really stupid that I shouldn't have...I told her she wasn't for me. She told me I didn't tell her fast enough that I was sorry and I wanted her back.

 

And now she says I hurt her too much and waited too long to tell I wanted to be with her. Now she says "it feels like we are done."

 

She's already dating someone else. I haven't spoken to her in 2 weeks tomorrow. I know that's a short period of time but I'm just looking for reasons to think my situation isn't as cut and dry as it feels.

 

Really that's where I am at. There is a quite a bit more to the story but that's really it.

 

I appreciate any and all insight you can share but it just feels like my situation is a bit different. I know everyone thinks that but...

 

Lemme know what you all think.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

What if when you pull away, he has the same reaction and pulls away even more until the distance is too big ??

 

the distance, either physical or emotional is really unimportant. When someones going out of your life, theyre going.

 

The main thing to focus on is YOU. If you suspect that your significant other doesnt want the same level of closeness that you do and is either going to or has already started to pull away, you must mirror it. You have to give them space because that's what they want.

 

Forcing yourself on them and wanting to be with them will only have the reverse effect. You must protect yourself by being able to give them that space and keep your dignity by not trying to claw them back. If they miss you and realise they didnt want to lose you after all, they may come back, but for this, you must first go away!

 

There are plenty of posts on here about the advantages of no contact. Giving someone the GIFT of missing you is a great thing. It may not have the desired effect of bringing them back but at least they will have fond memories instead of thinking of you as the psycho from hell!

 

But seriously, its always crushing when someone doesnt like you as much as you like them. It hurts.

 

Listing all your good points and reading them often, listing all their bad points and the things you didnt like about the relationship helps put it into perspective too.

 

hope this helps, Hope x

[bepositive]

OK, since this is about the "rebound," I have to vent something I just realized yesterday (not worth its own thread). One of the things my ex said when she decided to stick with the rebound was that "he had a much easier time interacting with my parents, and seemed more at ease with them." Now, I've been a shy guy in situations involving new people, although I've come a long way recently. However, something just occurred to me about this statement yesterday:

 

Of COURSE the new guy had an easier time with the parents! They were all at a beach resort for a family reunion, and my ex had even told me that her parents were getting along well and enjoying each other. When I met them, they had just undergone the kitchen rennovation from hell, that was barely finished the day before Christmas, when we arrived. It was tension city at their house! (Cooking/hosting is a major thing for her mom.) Nobody was at ease!

 

There, I feel better. Thanks!

[Abbie]

My ex moved in with his new lover about a month after we split. He has admitted that he still has feelings for me which means that this new relationship is almost certainly a rebound. He wanted to be friends but when I told him that we couldn't, it seemed to hit him quite hard. I wished him happiness and have been NC for 5 days now. I hope it works.

[zhuge]

Abbie I hope it works for you too.

 

I hope it works out for all of us. I realized how dumb my mistake was but didn't act quickly enough or in the right way. All I can do is count on our history together and the genuine love we have for each there to bring her back home.

 

I am definitely pulling for you!

[Mustang]

Here's a thought.... what if using reverse psychology has a negative effect?

 

I've not let my ex know that I miss her or care about her in anyway. I've accepted that things are what they are. I don't know for certain if she's with somebody else or not but I told her a few weeks ago that everything's in the past and I wanted us to forget everything.

 

I've been giving my ex the impression that I am doing just fine without her and she has noticed. She has told me so. I sent my ex an upbeat message last week saying I was out and having fun and that I missed her. I didn't say it in a sad and pathetic way. It was written in a friendly sort of way. Her response was "You miss me? Surely not! You're living a completely different and better life now!". Yes, OK, things are going well for me but I still miss my ex so much.

 

What worries me is that I am putting on an act by hiding how I really feel and making out that everything is great without her that it could backfire. Whenever we talk, I am upbeat and positive. I know I can't talk about "us" or anything like that because it only makes things worse. So I seem friendly and caring but I never talk about how I feel.

 

It's a big if, but what if she still misses me on some level. She can't tell me now can she? Seeing as I've told her that I'm fine with the situation and that my life is going well without her in it.

 

I don't need her in my life whatsoever, but I want her back more than anything.

 

I'm stuck in a rut really.

[Abbie]

Zhuge - Thanks for the support. I am rooting for you too. Who knew love could be this painful?

 

Mustang - I have exactly the same fears. The reverse psychology theory sounds very plausible and logical but I'm scared that my ex will forget me or think that I genuinely have moved on and won't approach me for a reconciliation if he decides he wants one. However, I've tried the 'I miss you, I love you' approach and all that seemed to do was push him into the arms of the other woman. It drives me crazy that he's moved on or when I don't hear from him so I can only hope that he feels the same now that I am appearing to have moved on and am not contacting him. Here's hoping.

[zhuge]

You're welcome. Love shouldnt be this painful but I understand, in my case, why being DUMB can be so painful. I just hope she gets over it soon and comes back home. I wake up each day thinking that this is some sick joke. Hasnt happened yet...I'm just hoping this will soon be nothing more than faint memory of the past.

 

I REALLY REALLY hope the NC works for us!

 

Stay strong...it can be very tough. And whenever you feel weak or need to vent be sure you come here and let us know!

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

 

Her response was "You miss me? Surely not! You're living a completely different and better life now!"

 

Mustang, theres the proof right there that she misses you.

 

she could have replied 'have a nice night x'

 

but no..she chose to pick up and reply to the fact that you miss her because thats what she focused on. Guess what? I think she's missing you.

 

1. When she said surely not! what she meant was = tell me again because it sounds so great!

 

2. your living a completely different and better life now! means tell me your new life is bloody awful and you want me back coz its sh*t without you!

 

I'm being straight up with you, thats how I read all that.

 

the whole text is reverse psychology!!!

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

ps. meant to also agree that I sometimes think that if they dont know you still like them, they just move on and you never hear from them again.

[Suzanne1281]

My ex's ex remained in the picture. Actually, she came back into the picture once she found out he was moving on with me. She sent him packages, called him, made it a point to find him out at his regular bars. He went back to her. I think. Last I heard he said "he didn't know" what he was going to do, but he hasn't come back around my way. So in her case, the dumpee stayed in the picture and he still went back.

 

I made it clear that I still liked him. First I stayed NC with him and he contacted me. I made it clear I had feelings for him, and he said he still had them for me but then said he still had them for his ex too. He disappeared, I stayed NC then he contacted me again. It was pretty damn clear I still had feelings for him. He disappeared again.

 

So it really depends on the dumper. Not everyone is the same. In my case, I think the guy is just a selfish jerk who is messed up.

[Mustang]

ps. meant to also agree that I sometimes think that if they dont know you still like them, they just move on and you never hear from them again.

 

That's the problem I'm having right now!

 

I'm not sure what to make of your analysis of my ex's text. Surely if she missed me then there'd be more signs? If anything I read her text as dismissive.

 

I'm kind of stuck now. As far as she is concerned, I am happy and content with life. Even though I miss her so so much! But if what you say is correct and she does miss me, she'll not act on it because she'll assume I've moved on and I can't say anything to her because I will look weak and needy.

 

It has to happen naturally and I have no idea how it can when I never see her!

[angel1980]

yes i deff agree that disappearing works best. i had similar problems.

guy got distant and started spending alot of time with another girl who he claimed was jsut a good friend, he started spending even more time with her then he was me though and i knew he obviously had the hots for her. he broke up with me but still came to see me about once a week where i would cook all his favourite stuff, give him the woldest sex he could possibly imagine and held him all night long.. then next day he would get up and then go back to spending time with her. i read some emails that were sent between them and it seemd as though she was jsut a neive little girl who thought you could be that close to a guy but there be nothing in it.. but it was obvios he had the hots for her, always calling her stunner and gorgeous etc even sent her a valentines card.. trust me .. reading pages of kissy poo emails to her made me feel sick as anything.

anyway after a particular bad day when he had come over and we had a disagreement which he got way over the top mad at me about and then wanted to go home and i cried and begged him not to go home (standing in front of the door and stuff). he left and i decided it was time to go NC. i gave in after just over a week and he said he had missed me but then said he couldnt talk to me as it was messing his head up. so i kept on with NC... then after 4 weeks he emaild me saying that he didnt in any way want to try again but he missed "us" and al the things we shared. that wasnt enough for me so i kept on with the NC for another couple of weeks but then casualy mailed and asked if he wanted to meet up for lunch one sunday as it was my birthday the day before.

during the time apart i had been eating super healthy and exercising myself to death.. and on the day i had new outift, nice tan, hair, nails, make up and showed off my new slim midrif. he was putty in my hands. what made it so good was telling him i had to leave as i had arrangments for the evening (something i would have never ever done before). then left it another 3-4 days before contacting him to tell him i had a nice time.... and from the things blossomd again and this other girl was dropped like a hot cake. she did try on occasions to worm her way back in but think he realised that she was no substitue and the grass was NOT greener.

 

this was over a year ago and things have once again gone sour, this time there is nobody else involved but we havent been getting on so he suggested a break and some space to see how we feel.... so it back on the NC again i guess.

[zhuge]

Angel...I sure hope my situation works like your initial reunion. I've been in NC for 2 and 1/2 weeks.

 

We never lost our fire for one another...I just made one big mistake -- no I would never cheat on her -- and I'm just hoping I'll get another chance to make things right.

 

Because if I do...things will be...fantasticalmagical!

[bepositive]

Hey, Angel and Zhuge

 

I'm hanging in there too... Today was a bit rough for some reason, it's been a week since she broke NC to check and make sure I was OK. I called her back and told her I was doing well, and had a few things going on. It was a nervous and akward conversation for both of us, but I know she's still thinking of me.

 

Good luck to us all!

[zhuge]

Thats great B. Just dont get your hopes up too high. Be real and bepositive ;-) just take it one step at a time. I know I am trying to. Havent heard from her yet. But either way I'm always optimistic...for us all!

[Mustang]

Mustang - I have exactly the same fears. The reverse psychology theory sounds very plausible and logical but I'm scared that my ex will forget me or think that I genuinely have moved on and won't approach me for a reconciliation if he decides he wants one. However, I've tried the 'I miss you, I love you' approach and all that seemed to do was push him into the arms of the other woman. It drives me crazy that he's moved on or when I don't hear from him so I can only hope that he feels the same now that I am appearing to have moved on and am not contacting him. Here's hoping.

 

The thing that concerns me is that sooner or later, the game playing has to stop. You can't get back with someone when you're still playing games!

 

At what point do we stop acting cool and tell them how we really feel? The problem I have now is that I can't really see any good coming from me being honest. I am putting on an act. I'm exagerating all the good things in my life up and never telling my ex about the bad things. But that's not honesty! I know that she's doing it too. She's not going to tell me that she was so sad over the break up. She's going to be happy and positive too.

 

My ex has told me that she's pleased that things are going well for me. Yes they are, but they'd be so much better with her by my side! Maybe she feels a bit of remorse but can't tell me and I can't tell her how I really feel in case I'm wrong and then I'll look like an idiot.

 

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